sweet_pea Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Great question for another thread on that subject. This one is about the BS. Why shouldn't the BS do something? is inherent in the OP. Do you have an opinion about why the BS don't act, or the expectation that they would/should? Here's mine: Putting aside the many reasons why a BS chooses not to take action upon the discovery of an A, if it's to be said that a BS shouldn't be expected to do anything when their WS breaks their trust and vows, then said BS shouldn't be upset about the A happening in the first place. If a BS can't be expected to take action in response to an A, then a WS cannot be expected not to have one. So just because they may not take action, they shouldn't be upset about it? Huh? Wouldn't getting upset come before taking action anyway? If someone hurts me, I will be upset regardless of my reaction. I am also not really getting how a BS not taking action connects to the WS not being expected to have an A? 1
truncated Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I have heard of some bs who become very upset at d day, then become very calm. This is because they are getting their ducks in a row so that they will be in as good a place as possible when they serve their ws with divorce papers. The ws is often blindsided, and for the life of me, I can't understand why. What did they think was going to happen? 4
Sub Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 If a BS can't be expected to take action in response to an A, then a WS cannot be expected not to have one. That's an odd rationale, IMO, if I'm reading that correctly. What's expected of each spouse shouldn't be dependent on the others response to a certain action. Their each responsible for their own. If I'm in a "good" M but think/know my W won't do anything if I cheat on her, it doesn't mean I can't be expected to NOT cheat on her. It's like saying I can't be expected to NOT punch a pacifist in the face whenever I want because I know they won't do anything. Sorry if this is off-topic. 1
ladydesigner Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I have heard of some bs who become very upset at d day, then become very calm. This is because they are getting their ducks in a row so that they will be in as good a place as possible when they serve their ws with divorce papers. The ws is often blindsided, and for the life of me, I can't understand why. What did they think was going to happen? I honestly think this is me! I have had many Ddays and a False R so I guess you could essentially say I am looking the other way, although my WH claims the A is over and so does the MOW, but who really knows. I am currently staying because I do still love and care about my WH just not anything close to how it used to be, for obvious reasons there is no trust. I do not want to struggle as a single mom and uproot my kids lives, needing to move schools and make new friends, yadda yadda. My kids have already been through the ringer and I don't want to put them through it again with divorce. Now if an A is discovered again I DO have my ducks in a row and PLAN on getting a D. It has taken me this long to accept the A, who my WH is, and struggle to find ME again. Why should I do something? My life is comfortable. 5
MissBee Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Just curious - why are the BS' expected to do something? Why does the WS do nothing when they destroy the trust & their vows? I'm curious about this too. Well just in the context of OW being concerned about it. I get that it's strange if the BS does nothing, but at the same time, the WS is doing nothing too, they are having an affair and are married...they are the ones who have gone all the way to the affair, so why don't they take it further and divorce or tell the BS who is doing nothing that they're leaving? If BS does nothing and WS does nothing....it's still one big mess IMO, with OW/OM also doing nothing. Everyone is in their part of the triangle not rocking the boat too much. I guess for me it seems like the implicit desire is for the BS to make the decision for the WS which will by default give the OW/OM the WS, so when they do nothing it's upsetting. There are several threads with OW asking this, or saying how can they make the BS let go or do this or do that when it's not really about them. It still goes back to the WS being the one who also needs to do something. If BS does nothing and says I'm keeping my spouse and turning a blind eye...then what? What does that mean for the OW/OM? 6
RoseVille Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 So just because they may not take action, they shouldn't be upset about it? Huh? Wouldn't getting upset come before taking action anyway? If someone hurts me, I will be upset regardless of my reaction. I am also not really getting how a BS not taking action connects to the WS not being expected to have an A? You're twisting it. You asked why a BS *should* be expected to do anything. I answered you, and it's not as you've stated above. It's about expectation.
still_an_Angel Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Serious question, if the spouse knows why not ask her/him? Why not explore an open marriage for the good of all? Going by the "image" that the couple/family presents to the public, having an open marriage is not an option either. The BS knows but as long as the A is not in the face, the WS keeps everything under wraps, then all is well. I know it sounds mental because life is a lie, so much lying going on, its amazing what lengths people go through to preserve or keep up with the image of what a perfect family should be.
gettingstronger Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Going by the "image" that the couple/family presents to the public, having an open marriage is not an option either. The BS knows but as long as the A is not in the face, the WS keeps everything under wraps, then all is well. I know it sounds mental because life is a lie, so much lying going on, its amazing what lengths people go through to preserve or keep up with the image of what a perfect family should be. Why would anyone outside of those involved need to know-I guess what I am asking is if the spouse knows, why wouldn't the AP want to speak with them to kind of come to terms with how things would work- how can there be multiple ddays if the spouse knows- wouldn't another dday mean the WS told the BS it was over and they believed it for whatever reason- I guess for me, when I found out, I was adamant that I did not want to be in a triangulated relationship so although I knew about the A, continuation would have been a deal breaker for me- this thread is about a spouse that knows and it OK with it in some form-so why wouldn't that AP want to at least communicate in some form what the relationship would look like for all involved- why allow the WS to continue to be in the drivers seat-
WasOtherWoman Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 I honestly think this is me! I have had many Ddays and a False R so I guess you could essentially say I am looking the other way, although my WH claims the A is over and so does the MOW, but who really knows. I am currently staying because I do still love and care about my WH just not anything close to how it used to be, for obvious reasons there is no trust. I do not want to struggle as a single mom and uproot my kids lives, needing to move schools and make new friends, yadda yadda. My kids have already been through the ringer and I don't want to put them through it again with divorce. Now if an A is discovered again I DO have my ducks in a row and PLAN on getting a D. It has taken me this long to accept the A, who my WH is, and struggle to find ME again. Why should I do something? My life is comfortable. Good for you .... seriously. I honestly don't blame you. You are staying because YOU are choosing to.
WasOtherWoman Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 I actually wondered the same thing while we were in our A. My MM lived in another state, but owned in a company in my state, so he was here mon-fri. Once we began our affair, his car was parked in my driveway all week long, his phone was off from the time he got home from work until the time he left in the morning.... I never really said anything, but did find it odd that he made no attempt at all to hide things. He did tell me that he had told his then-wife, years ago, that when the kids were of age, he was leaving. I guess he just didn't feel any reason to hide what he was doing. Back then, I often thought she must know, right? I mean, who the heck does not talk to their spouse at night when they are traveling? Or even occasionally join them? Was baffling for sure....
preraph Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 There's a lot of spouses willing to look the other way. They're usually in denial and tell themselves it's nothing, but sometimes they know and just don't want to deal with it. There are men who will intentionally marry someone mild who never gives them any problems or asks too many questions so they can cheat. It sometimes backfires on them of course.
velvette Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 We have all heard stories of the AP's spouse becoming aware of an affair and demanding the affair end. We have also heard of spouses making it nearly impossible for the other spouse to carry on an affair by checking phones, locations, emails etc.... But what about the spouses that turn the other way; The spouses that know there is something going on, but do/say nothing? Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? Experience? Knowing something is going on and knowing its an A are sometimes two different things. I also think people that read/post/use infidelity sites sometimes forget there are millions of people that don't. So, while if you are online you have memorized all the "actions you should take" depending where you are, there are lots of others that are winging it with no support. And, really, how would you know someone is doing nothing. Time is different esp in a long term marriage than in an A. So as others have said they may be making a plan, waiting to see what happens, waiting for the A to end as most do if they know for sure. Maybe something more important and immediate than the A has come up and interrupted their plan. Like a seriously ill parent or child, a job reorg/proposed cuts etc they are waiting to see how it shakes out. 1
sweet_pea Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 You're twisting it. You asked why a BS *should* be expected to do anything. I answered you, and it's not as you've stated above. It's about expectation. No, I was responding to YOUR reasoning. But it's cool
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 I think there are women who genuinely do not know, even if to the OW it must be obvious. I also think the assumption by the OW that his sex life is bad or that they never/rarely have sex is something I am sure many MM want to encourage, but it may not be true. If he is "working" hard but is coming home when expected and their sex life is normal, many woman will not suspect anything.
minimariah Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 I know it sounds mental because life is a lie, so much lying going on, its amazing what lengths people go through to preserve or keep up with the image of what a perfect family should be. you know, in my experience -- this is the LAST reason why a BS stays. most stay for the same reasons the WS is staying - kids, finances and because it's simply easier to live your usual life, comfortable life than it is to live a life of a single mother + divided family & friends. many don't have the resources to divorce either. but most of them don't really care or stay for the perfect image to show to the others. they stay MOSTLY for themselves - because that life seems better than any other option at that moment. and if the BS knows - it's no a life of lies either. they know what it is and for this or that reason, they think it's the best to just stay put. long story short -- they stay for the same reasons the WS is staying, it's really as simple as that. 1
minimariah Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 I think there are women who genuinely do not know, even if to the OW it must be obvious. this is also true. when a BS is truly blindsided -- it's because their WS convinced them that they are happy & leading a happy and fulfilling life. i mean, some really are blindsided. ALSO, suspecting spouse is not the same as knowing spouse. a BS might suspect and the OW/OM usually take that and run with it in "she KNOWS!" style.
truncated Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 I really think that a lot of ow/om and ws believe that the bs must know and is okay with it because that way, it makes it a bit more palatable. Most people are not sociopathic, and the idea that what they are doing is hurting someone would bother them. It makes it easier to think they know and are okay with it.
velvette Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 you know, in my experience -- this is the LAST reason why a BS stays. . I agree, wanting to present the perfect picture is not something I have ever heard from a BS in real life. I think anyone who believes that is in some kind of time warp.
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