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Problem performing with my husband since running into ex again

tinagrah

By tinagrah
in General Relationship Discussion

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tinagrah Member

tinagrah

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Hi, I got married last november, he is a wonderful man and I just don't know what to do.

 

I ran into my ex again last month who I dumped 5 or so years ago and again I had feelings for him. I told him despite what happened with his depression I never stopped loving him, he got furious with me and told me..practically ordered me to go home to my husband and be faithful to him.

 

Despite me still having feelings for my ex, I never had sexual issues with my husband (we have been intimate for 3 plus years) but since running into my ex I've been...having problems in bed. I know my ex said the above to mess with me and it's working - now my husband knows something is up. I can't get what my ex said out of my head, and this week is our 6 month wedding anniversery, and I want it to go well both in and out of the bedroom.

 

Any advice would be most welcome, thank you.

LadyDeadpool Member

LadyDeadpool

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The last thing you should do is start off your marriage with lies. Tell your husband how you are feeling sooner rather than later. Your marriage is still fresh enough (sorry, couldn't think of a better phrase) that if he loves you he may be more willing to forgive your moment of weakness.

 

But how you approach this topic depends on what you want. Do you really love your husband? More than your feelings for your ex? Really think about it, and I mean LOVE. Not "he's a good man" or that stuff.

 

If you do really love him, be honest with him and tell him how you are going to solve the problem (eg. Remove all contact with your ex.)

 

If you don't love him more, then you should seek a divorce. Seems drastic, but better now than 10 years down the line with 2.5 kids.

ltjg45 Established Member

ltjg45

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I have to give respect to your ex. Normally a guy who gets such a response from a woman would take advantage of it but instead he told you to be faithful to the man you married and that is a very rare thing in this day and age of casual hookups.

 

You need to tell your husband everything and don't try to sugarcoat anything. After all, your husband even sees it now. If necessary, you may even need help.

 

And if, for some reason, you can't seem to remove your attraction to your ex, which he confirms himself that he is not interested in you anymore, then you need to get divorced.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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Yep, open up and tell your husband. He needs to know what's going on in your head to be able to help you through it.

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tinagrah Member

tinagrah

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I do love him, and I'm vowing never to go to the same bar that my ex goes to ever again. The problem is since running into him last month I have not been able to perform sexually. Right now I hate him (my ex) for his cruel words.

 

Yes, my ex is clearly not interested in me anymore which is why I can't screw this up by telling my husband. It's really about damage control now :(

LadyDeadpool Member

LadyDeadpool

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In a marriage, honesty IS the best damage control.

Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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I don't understand why you consider your ex's words "cruel." It sounds like he was technically doing the right thing in telling you to go back to the man you married. Would it really have been better for either of you if your ex had encouraged you to pursue an affair?

 

I also disagree with the advice here to tell your husband about this right now. I just don't see what good it would achieve to confess that you're having feelings for your ex and that's the reason you can't perform sexually with him. It would make him feel insecure, jealous, possibly very angry.

 

For now, these are private feelings stewing in your head. Let's hope they are just fleeting pangs of nostalgia that you will work your way through.

 

If it goes on for a long time, or if you feel seriously tempted to ACT on your feelings, then it's time to talk with your husband.

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LadyDeadpool Member

LadyDeadpool

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I don't understand why you consider your ex's words "cruel." It sounds like he was technically doing the right thing in telling you to go back to the man you married. Would it really have been better for either of you if your ex had encouraged you to pursue an affair?

 

I also disagree with the advice here to tell your husband about this right now. I just don't see what good it would achieve to confess that you're having feelings for your ex and that's the reason you can't perform sexually with him. It would make him feel insecure, jealous, possibly very angry.

 

For now, these are private feelings stewing in your head. Let's hope they are just fleeting pangs of nostalgia that you will work your way through.

 

If it goes on for a long time, or if you feel seriously tempted to ACT on your feelings, then it's time to talk with your husband.

 

Keeping it a secret would be fine if she could actually do it, but it's clearly messing with her head and her body so I think it's safe to assume she won't get much better at it in the coming months. So waiting to tell him will just p*ss him off more.

 

But who knows, she may be able to pull it together and keep it a secret. But he already suspects something is up. He'll feel even more foolish if she tells him months latter knowing he had sensed something was up and instead believed her when she said nothing was wrong.

Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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But he already suspects something is up. He'll feel even more foolish if she tells him months latter knowing he had sensed something was up and instead believed her when she said nothing was wrong.

 

That's assuming a worst-case scenario, in which this thing builds to a point to really threaten their marriage.

 

I guess OP would be the only one to say whether that risk is already there right now. From what I'm reading, this seems like a temporary setback that OP can overcome.

 

I don't think spouses need to alert each other every time they're having lingering feelings for an old ex, or their sexual wiring goes a little haywire. Those are both normal conflicts for a marriage.

 

It's when it gets serious that it warrants discussion -- i.e. "I don't know if I can fully invest myself in this marriage, due to my continued feelings and attraction toward my ex, who yes is still a part of my life."

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tinagrah Member

tinagrah

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I just wish he didn't say it that way. Him telling me to be faithful to my ex, as if it was some type of order (he actually pointed to the exit of the bar as if he owned the place)

 

Any person who can be so detached after over 10 years has issues and the worst part is that I'm letting him affect me.

Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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I just wish he didn't say it that way. Him telling me to be faithful to my ex, as if it was some type of order (he actually pointed to the exit of the bar as if he owned the place)

 

Any person who can be so detached after over 10 years has issues and the worst part is that I'm letting him affect me.

 

Uh, what you just wrote doesn't sound too healthy.

 

Have you considered that it's not fair of you to mess with his mind and tell him you have feelings for him, when you are committed to a MARRIAGE with another man?

 

What outcome were you hoping for? That you would stir up some old feelings in him and make him miserable knowing he can't have you? That he'd pay no respect to your marriage and have an affair with you?

 

Also, "so detached after 10 years" -- that seems normal, not cold. A decade is a LONG time. People move on. You did. You got married to someone else.

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tinagrah Member

tinagrah

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No, I didn't leave him 10 years ago, I left him 5 years ago. We were together for over 10 years. I put my all into the relationship.

Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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No, I didn't leave him 10 years ago, I left him 5 years ago. We were together for over 10 years. I put my all into the relationship.

 

OK, well, five years is still a long time, and you got married to another man during that timeframe. You can't ignore that glaring reality. It's a decision you made that should permanently cut off your relationship with this ex.

 

Again, what is the purpose of rehashing these old feelings with him? What result could it achieve other than making you both miserable? Or are you actually contemplating an affair with him?

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Clarence_Boddicker Established Member

Clarence_Boddicker

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You're not in love with your husband, or your ex wouldn't have effected you at all. You're probably in love with the marriage, or the idea of being married, but not in love with him. I wouldn't want to be in your husband's shoes. You should either separate until you can figure out what you want & your feelings, or end it. Sexual dysfunction is a huge sign of loss of attraction or love.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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OP, can you elaborate on the nature of the sexual issues with your husband?

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Adele0908 Established Member

Adele0908

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My advice is to see a therapist, alone.

 

You seem to have some emotional stunting. Maybe you never fully matured emotionally or spiritually.

 

Ask the Universe to help you become a mature, empowered, responsible woman. If that's what you want of course. A lot of people don't want to take responsibility for themselves.

 

I don't think it's about your husband or ex....I think this is all about you.

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