Jorjor23 Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Just a quick background. I've been dating a guy for about 5 months now. I met him through working for my dad last summer. He's 10 years older than me. (I'm 20, he's 30). My friends, at first, they were pretty excited for me. They wanted to know every detail. However, than initial excitement slowly started to wane from there. Fast forward to now. I feel like I can't mention his name or share something nice he did for me without getting grilled. None of them have been in relationships before and a good chunk of our conversations revolve around trouble finding a boyfriend, which is why I'm a bit suspicious of their intentions. I know it sounds like a cop-out, but sometimes I get the feeling that the age thing is the perfect low hanging fruit for them to justify their tearing me apart. Here are a few things they said that made me wrinkle my nose a little bit. 1- I joked to them the fact that he was a stoner. They ended up blowing it into a whole big thing. One of them commented that if "he didn't spend so much money on weed, he could have bought a house by now" Okay...? Somehow he still has ample amounts of time and money to spend on me. What's the problem? 2- We had a bit of a rough patch in the beginning where we were figuring out our "label". I confronted him for awkwardly calling us FWB's when we first started seeing each other ( it was very clear to me that he felt otherwise) He wrote me a lengthy apology, which ended with "You're the best thing in my life right now." One of my friends twisted it to make it sound he was saying I'm the ONLY good thing in his life right now. Another said "that's a lot of pressure to put on you." Never mind that I was the one that was trying to push him out of the ambivalent zone. 3. When I came back for break. I mentioned how cute it was that he bought me a scorpion beanie baby and scorpion shaped earrings as a "just because" gift (I had told him before that I'm have a weird obsession with scorpions). One of them said "well, he should be into your interest anyways, the fact that you're excited about this is sad." Like I'm not allowed to be excited when he does nice things for me.... 4. I haven't told my parents yet. They both have met him. They both like him and know that we still talk. But I haven't quite mustered the courage to tell them we're dating. I told my friends that their reaction probably won't be as bad as I think it is, but that I was overly paranoid (and I'm just a secretive person in general) and wanted to transition them into it gradually. One said "why don't you just tell them if you're so confident". I answered that I was worried that some people would see him as a manipulator no matter what he did to prove to them otherwise, and that I'm trying to prepare myself for that. She responded "preparing yourself? what does that entail? of course they'll be thinking that, they'll be thinking, 'what the hell is a 30 year old man doing with a 19 year old girl?' (she insists on saying 19, I've been 20 for 7 months...... ) 5. They keep insinuating that he's some creep who goes around scouting 20 years old. They know full well that if I hadn't stuck my neck out to stay in contact with him that this relationship wouldn't have come to fruition. I could go on and on with these examples. But I just want to know. I don't doubt that some of this is genuine concern, but am I nuts for thinking their could be a tinge of jealousy at play here?
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 When 1 of your friends doesn't like your SO it's a personality conflict. When all of your friends have reservations, they are seeing something you are not & their opinions should be given greater weight. The age difference is really a life stage difference. You are still in school. He's in his career. The differences are more than calendar issues. The drugs are huge problem for me. I do not care for illegal activity. If you are happy & confident in your choice, be happy & confident. Others will support you because they want the best for you. When you project doubts it encourages them. The fact that you continue to hide this from your parents indicates to me that you are ashamed or at least uncertain. 2
TunaCat Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Your friends are definitely concerned and rightfully so. 1. He shouldn't be spending money on drugs. He should be putting that money towards a house. 2. Yes, absolutely he's putting a lot of pressure on you. You shouldn't be the only good thing in his life. He should have lots of good things in his life. 3. It is definitely good that he is interested in what you are interested in, but I really think it's strange that you're so excited about it. If he's interested in you, of course he should be interested in some of the things you're interested in. That's a no brainer. 4. If you were really confident in the guy and in the relationship you would have talked to your parents about him. If you are really convinced he's a good guy, then you should be excited to tell you family about him. 5. Ten years is a really big age gap especially when it comes to 30 year olds dating 20 year olds. You both are in totally different life stages and it's going to be an issue. I think your friends are being honest with you, but I don't think you want to hear it because you are blinded by love. 2
Author Jorjor23 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) "When 1 of your friends doesn't like your SO it's a personality conflict. When all of your friends have reservations, they are seeing something you are not & their opinions should be given greater weight." Just to clarify ( and I guess I should have mentioned this earlier) This is a group of 5 friends. 2 of them in particular are pretty against it. One doesn't care, the other two don't have an issue of it. None of them have met him yet. "The drugs are huge problem for me. I do not care for illegal activity" I'm in California and he does have a card. Not technically illegal. "If you are happy & confident in your choice, be happy & confident. Others will support you because they want the best for you. When you project doubts it encourages them. The fact that you continue to hide this from your parents indicates to me that you are ashamed or at least uncertain." I guess I'm one of those types that are overly sensitive to what people think of me or someone I care about. I can't control how people are going to react and that scares me. Of course this is something I'll have to get over. @ Tuna Cat He didn't say anything about me being the ONLY good thing in his life. About the whole gift thing. My friends specifically asked me to tell them about how my visit with him went. That was part of the story. No, I wasn't bouncing off the walls, but am I not allowed to share it or be the tiniest bit happy about it? I just happened to it was sweet considering he's a huge arachophobe. Edited May 26, 2015 by Jorjor23
ExpatInItaly Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I think your friends have a right to be concerned about a couple things. A 30-year-old stoner is one of them. How regularly does he smoke? I think if it's something he does occasionally, that's one thing. If he's a chronic user, that's another. You calling him a "stoner" didn't help your case there, even if you were trying to be funny. You needing to push him out of his ambivalent FWB zone is another. Are you a couple now? I think it could be a combination of cattiness and genuine concern. I understand why you're frustrated as we all want support when we're happy. Be careful what you share with friends; they will always remember the negative. 1
Author Jorjor23 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 Whoops, can't edit my previous post anymore. Building off that, I get that we're at different points in our lives. I know this makes things significantly more rocky, but we respect each other, we communicate well. I just don't feel like it's the automatic kiss of death that people make it out to be.
KatZee Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 1- I joked to them the fact that he was a stoner. They ended up blowing it into a whole big thing. One of them commented that if "he didn't spend so much money on weed, he could have bought a house by now" Okay...? Somehow he still has ample amounts of time and money to spend on me. What's the problem? If he's not a pothead doing absolutely nothing with his life but living in his parents' basement smoking the reefer, then what's the issue? Weed will be legal in the USA within 10 years. Guaranteed. What business is it of theirs what he spends his money on? I know people with homes who smoke weed. To each their own. If you have no problem with it, and it's not interfering in the relationship, your friends need to get over it. If they have such a problem with someone smoking weed, then they can choose not to date someone who does. Easy. 2- One of my friends twisted it to make it sound he was saying I'm the ONLY good thing in his life right now. Another said "that's a lot of pressure to put on you." You clearly know the context of his comment. You were in the situation. Your friends were not. I personally do not take the opinions or advice of people who weren't even there to witness what went on. 3. One of them said "well, he should be into your interest anyways, the fact that you're excited about this is sad." Your "friend" sounds like a jealous b!tch. 4. I haven't told my parents yet. This is the only aspect I have a bit of an issue with. 20/30 is a big difference. You still in college, him in an established adult life. You may not see the problem now, but as time goes on and as you get more comfortable together, you're going to notice the differences. You want to stay out and get drunk and party a bit, he's going to be home sleeping. This is a huge gap in age, and a huge difference in life styles. I remember what I was like at 20. I'm 31 now. It's night and day. I think your friends may have a valid reason to be concerned about the age, but they're not being especially nice or supportive of you and your relationship right now. Is this going to be the dude you marry? Probably not. So just enjoy it for what it is now, and as much as it sucks, keep your friends out of your relationship.
spiderowl Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 It is quite an age gap. I guess their comments reflect that they feel ambiguous about this. On the one hand they were excited to hear all about it, but now maybe they have doubts because of the age gap and maybe the kind of guy they assume he is. I wouldn't assume it was jealousy, just uncertainty. What matters is how you feel about this guy. Are you happy he's the kind of guy you would like around long term or is this just a fun time for you? There is nothing wrong with the latter. I'm sure your parents will get used to the idea, even if they hate it at first, as long as he is good to you. If the gap in age and experience is very obvious to them, they may worry that he has influenced you unduly or that you don't know what you are getting yourself into. Just behave in a grown-up manner, tell them you understand their doubts, and then get on with it. Only time will tell.
Author Jorjor23 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 @ ExpatinItaly I think your friends have a right to be concerned about a couple things. A 30-year-old stoner is one of them. How regularly does he smoke? I think if it's something he does occasionally, that's one thing. If he's a chronic user, that's another. You calling him a "stoner" didn't help your case there, even if you were trying to be funny. He is pretty much a stoner through and through. Every other day or so. Can't really deny that. It doesn't seem to affect him as far as I can see. Still gets things done, holds a well-paid job, still has more than enough time to tend to me. Therefore, it isn't something I think about. I don't do weed personally, but I'm generally ambivalent towards it. He refrained from doing it around me when we first started dating until I told him I didn't care. Of course, hard drugs are another story, and he doesn't do any of those. You needing to push him out of his ambivalent FWB zone is another. Are you a couple now? We are. That happened within the first month in a half that we were dating. I think it could be a combination of cattiness and genuine concern. I understand why you're frustrated as we all want support when we're happy. Thanks for understanding Be careful what you share with friends; they will always remember the negative. I certainly know that now
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Building off that, I get that we're at different points in our lives. I know this makes things significantly more rocky, but we respect each other, we communicate well. I just don't feel like it's the automatic kiss of death that people make it out to be. If the age thing was the only issue it wouldn't be an "automatic kiss of death." However you mentioned other potentially negative things: his drug usage & the sort of still undefined nature of your interactions coupled with the secrecy. It doesn't matter that he "has a card" if you don't care for the behavior, it's an issue. 2
Author Jorjor23 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 If the age thing was the only issue it wouldn't be an "automatic kiss of death." However you mentioned other potentially negative things: his drug usage & the sort of still undefined nature of your interactions coupled with the secrecy. It doesn't matter that he "has a card" if you don't care for the behavior, it's an issue. To be clear, the weed is a non issue to me. I was never genuinely concerned about it. Your posts have definitely pushed me towards getting the ball rolling on being "out" and not get caught up worrying about the million different things that could go wrong.
todreaminblue Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 one thing i know is that if you talk about a relationship all the time people get sick of it......and its fledgling relationship so keep it to yourself until you are certain about him and you together........... before you and your bf were together......you and your friends discussed other things and did other things together......make sure the friendships continue......buy keeping up the things you did and talked about other than your bf......when you are with someone new its easy to get caught up in everything about them......like tunnel vision your focus is on them.,.....with your friends ...their focus is on you when you are around them..... tell your family you are dating him.......be open and honest..... if you and this guy are meant for each other.....others opinions will not matter.....the only opinions that matter are your opinion and his opinion....you can listen to advice its always good to listen....but ultimately for your own happiness and peace of mind always make your own decisions as far as love goes...by following your own heart.....best wishes...deb
darkmoon Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) i just hope that he does not talk down to you, there are older men who like a younger, tbh, less experienced partner, they feel superior senior, so unless you are soul-mates, run Edited May 26, 2015 by darkmoon
Author Jorjor23 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 i just hope that he does not talk down to you, there are older men who like a younger, tbh, less experienced partner, they feel superior senior, so unless you are soul-mates, run I've asked him about this. Prior to me, the people he's dated have been his own age or pretty close to it.
Author Jorjor23 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) one thing i know is that if you talk about a relationship all the time people get sick of it......and its fledgling relationship so keep it to yourself until you are certain about him and you together........... before you and your bf were together......you and your friends discussed other things and did other things together......make sure the friendships continue......buy keeping up the things you did and talked about other than your bf......when you are with someone new its easy to get caught up in everything about them......like tunnel vision your focus is on them.,.....with your friends ...their focus is on you when you are around them..... tell your family you are dating him.......be open and honest..... if you and this guy are meant for each other.....others opinions will not matter.....the only opinions that matter are your opinion and his opinion....you can listen to advice its always good to listen....but ultimately for your own happiness and peace of mind always make your own decisions as far as love goes...by following your own heart.....best wishes...deb Thanks for your input, For a while, I would mention him once or twice a week. Now that the grilling has gotten really bad, I'm pretty much done mentioning him unless they ask. Occasionally one of the two friends that disapprove the most will ask about him and I've learned to not take the bait. It always turns into a complete **** show. Edited May 26, 2015 by Jorjor23 1
Standard-Fare Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 It's normal for friends to play that role of "watchdog" for each other's relationships, making sure they seem healthy and positive. They will automatically sniff out any signs of trouble and alert you to red flags you might not be paying attention to. You don't want to pigeon-hole yourself into a spot where you only feel comfortable playing up the positive aspects of your relationship to your friends. You're going to want to be truthful with them and get genuine reactions and advice. OP, it sounds like your friends are applying an extra layer of criticism here, for whatever reasons -- the age gap, their own inexperience in relationships, whatever. But I think you should assume that overall they have your best interests in mind, and that they aren't just trying to be downers. When/if they cross the line for you and get overly negative, you have a right to call them out on that and defend yourself and your relationship. And also to ask them WHY they're being so negative.
lil_missy Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I think your friends are more jealous than concerned and they Prob don't realise what is making them uncomfortable. Have u heard of like attracts like? Basically people with similar views and things in common stick together. You mentioned your friends are all single and complaining bout not getting a man. You used to complain with them. Now you're happy and they Are still not. That is not a good basis for your friendship. There is Prob a shift in the dynamic of your friendship, they feel like they can't relate to you as much as before and you feel the same. If your bf makes you happy then they should be happy for you. I would be excited at any present my bf bought me, what's wrong with that? Your excited bout ur relationship n everything it embodies I have a few singles friends like that too, now that I'm in a loving relationship there's just less in common with them and we have grown apart. Although they haven't attacked my bf but they never ask bout him n seem like they don't care bout him off. Also a lot of ppl on this forum are very bitter and no matter what relationship Prob you bring up here they will always say he is using you, his not into you etc. I realised advice here was doing more damage to my relationship than help. In the end you gotta trust your gut, not a bunch a strangers online that may have severe biases.
Author Jorjor23 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Posted May 27, 2015 It's normal for friends to play that role of "watchdog" for each other's relationships, making sure they seem healthy and positive. They will automatically sniff out any signs of trouble and alert you to red flags you might not be paying attention to. You don't want to pigeon-hole yourself into a spot where you only feel comfortable playing up the positive aspects of your relationship to your friends. You're going to want to be truthful with them and get genuine reactions and advice. OP, it sounds like your friends are applying an extra layer of criticism here, for whatever reasons -- the age gap, their own inexperience in relationships, whatever. But I think you should assume that overall they have your best interests in mind, and that they aren't just trying to be downers. When/if they cross the line for you and get overly negative, you have a right to call them out on that and defend yourself and your relationship. And also to ask them WHY they're being so negative. Yeah, I get that they would be concerned, but the thickness which with they're laying on the negativity is pretty off putting. They've also made comments about his appearance that I honestly don't appreciate.
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