Hi new here

[stillarose]

I've been attracted to this guy for almost a year but was unsure about dating him. Finally agreed to a date back in September. Nothing happened between us at that time. Just dinner and a walk on the beach. He invited me back to his house but I turned him down and noticed that his calls slacked off after that. We still talked everyday, but he went from calling several times a day to only once per day and the conversations got shorter and shorter until I eventually just stopped answering.

 

We work together and talked a few times on the job after that w/him claiming not to know what was going on and me just not wanting to argue over phone calls. I eventually cut him completely off until a few months ago when I agreed to start communicating with him again. We talked about everything for hours including how we felt about each other. He knows that I am 4 years out of an abusive relationship and have not dated or slept with anyone in that entire time. I continued to go out with him and finally went to his house for dinner last week. It was a sweet night that ended with me staying over. He knew about my celibacy and made me feel both comfortable and loved. He even said he was madly in love with me but I didn't take it seriously and still don't.

 

He continued to call several times a day and sent text msgs when he couldn't reach me. The only thing bothering me at that time was he kept asking me to come to his house again. I kept saying no because I don't want to be just a booty call or couch date to him or anybody. I expressed this to him but invitations to his house were still all I received and I have not been back since then. Our conversations also turned from different topics to how we felt when we were together that night. I tried to talk about other things like we used to, but he always took the conversation back to that and continued to ask when I was coming over again. Again, I have not gone back to his house nor have I slept with him again.

 

I was not feeling well yesterday and when he asked what was wrong, I told him that it was just my monthly and that I would be okay after the first day. He asked if there was anything he could do and when I said no, he said he would call later to check on me. That was early yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since then. He was online last night so I know he's not sick, dead or injured. It seems he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore and it's breaking my heart.

 

He asked me before to talk to him about anything that was bothering me and a part of me wants to call and talk to him about how I'm feeling now. Another part of me sees no use in calling him about it. I went thru these conversations w/my ex and he would treat me better for awhile and then eventually revert back to his old ways. It became an endless cycle that I don't want to repeat again and that is my hesitation in talking to this man about how I'm feeling now. No one is perfect, but a conversation about how to treat others is something that I just don't want to have with anybody. I feel he's old enough to know but would really appreciate other opinions on it. Right now, it feels like I have been unceremoniously dumped and could really use some honest feedback on this whole thing.

 

For the record, I do not feel he owes me anything just because I slept with him. I feel more disappointed about how he is behaving now than in the experience itself. Anyway, today is my day off and I planned to get out and do some things for myself. But my city flooded last night so I'm stuck in the house for now with my thoughts. Can someone please offer their wisdom, advice and/or guidance about all of this? Again, I would really appreciate it.

[dyna85]

There's something weird when the guy is already upsetting you in the early stages. You would think he'd be trying to impress you and be on the top of his game in terms of showing how much he cares, if he really wanted to be with you and cared for you.

 

It seems like he's a player, emotionally unavailable, non-comittal type, based on his actions thus far.

 

He seems to be more concerned with what he wants (you back at his place) than your needs, as evidenced by him disregarding your concerns with not wanting to be a booty call or couch date and him saying he'd call to check up on you but then not following through with this.

 

The upside to a situation like this is that it is better to find out sooner rather than later a person's true colors and intentions, and you're wise enough to see through him trying to use you to satisfy his own wants/needs.

 

However, I know it can be difficult to accept and move past, when you're emotionally drawn to the person.

 

Relationships are a two way street though, so if he's not willing to compromise, what's the point? The fact that it's early on and he's already demonstrating that he doesn't care about your needs, doesn't bode well for the future.

 

I agree that it would be uncomfortable having to discuss with him how to treat you. You could see how that works, but I just think the red flags are there for the taking right now as it stands and you're better off continuing the search for someone more considerate and respectful of your needs and feelings, right off the bat.

 

I think you're attached (and understandably so, given the time you shared with him), and it's just a matter of allowing your heart to catch up with your mind, which might take a while.

 

You got your hopes up thinking he could live up to his potential, but he let you down so your understandably disappointed. Been there. I know it's upsetting.

 

The thing to keep in mind is that people generally don't change. He's already shown his true colors not once, but twice (after a few months when you decided to resume communications with him).

 

It may hurt to have to cut him off if you feel connection, but it's in your best interest to cut him off if you keep giving him chances and he keeps hurting you like this. There will be someone better suited for you who can give you what you need and want.

[pidgeon1010]

I missed the part on when you slept with him. Was it the first time you accepted his invitation to come to his house? Basically what happened is, he did not work to get you. You made it easy for him. Always be weary when a guy invites you to his house after first date or a few dates. Let him prove himself to you with dates outside of his home and signal a desire for commitment before going to his house. Unfortunately, he is not worth it and you need to move on and forget about him (I know it's easier said then done but from the sounds of it, this was something that was just starting. A time when both people should be putting their best foot forward and he is hasn't done that. He is not looking for anything serious so he doesn't want to make the effort). Here is a very key explanation of what happens from another relationship website I visit:

 

Why You Shouldn't Accept Sofa Dates

 

 

Before I begin, let me clarify something. If you've been dating for months AND you BOTH agree that you're in a committed relationship, then the sofa date becomes acceptable. However, if you've dated a man once or twice, or for a few weeks or months, and there's NO committed relationship in place - stay off that sofa gals.

 

As I've already stated above, invitations for sofa dates early on prior to entering into a committed relationship signal things you should be taking note of and I've spelled those things out to you above: 1) lack of leadership (laziness) 2) an unwillingness for the man to prove himself (lack of care) and 3) negative emotional feelings (anxiety and stress over impending sexual advances you know are on the way).

 

You may be thinking, "Yea, but so what?" and if you're in that frame of mind and view this type of date as harmless, you're not paying attention, you're not looking out for yourself properly, and you're about to walk into a world of hurt. You're about to be used, you're about to let your value in the man's eyes plummet and you're about to willingly walk straight into "hookup" territory - from that day forward.

 

If you're seeking a serious relationship ladies, the sofa date should be a giant red flag to you. It should signal to you a man that's not relationship material. A man that isn't ready (to actually prove himself a man) a man that isn't going to lift a finger for you (lazy) and a man that's simply seeking gratification for his sexual needs (selfishness).

 

 

I've been attracted to this guy for almost a year but was unsure about dating him. Finally agreed to a date back in September. Nothing happened between us at that time. Just dinner and a walk on the beach. He invited me back to his house but I turned him down and noticed that his calls slacked off after that. We still talked everyday, but he went from calling several times a day to only once per day and the conversations got shorter and shorter until I eventually just stopped answering.

 

We work together and talked a few times on the job after that w/him claiming not to know what was going on and me just not wanting to argue over phone calls. I eventually cut him completely off until a few months ago when I agreed to start communicating with him again. We talked about everything for hours including how we felt about each other. He knows that I am 4 years out of an abusive relationship and have not dated or slept with anyone in that entire time. I continued to go out with him and finally went to his house for dinner last week. It was a sweet night that ended with me staying over. He knew about my celibacy and made me feel both comfortable and loved. He even said he was madly in love with me but I didn't take it seriously and still don't.

 

He continued to call several times a day and sent text msgs when he couldn't reach me. The only thing bothering me at that time was he kept asking me to come to his house again. I kept saying no because I don't want to be just a booty call or couch date to him or anybody. I expressed this to him but invitations to his house were still all I received and I have not been back since then. Our conversations also turned from different topics to how we felt when we were together that night. I tried to talk about other things like we used to, but he always took the conversation back to that and continued to ask when I was coming over again. Again, I have not gone back to his house nor have I slept with him again.

 

I was not feeling well yesterday and when he asked what was wrong, I told him that it was just my monthly and that I would be okay after the first day. He asked if there was anything he could do and when I said no, he said he would call later to check on me. That was early yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since then. He was online last night so I know he's not sick, dead or injured. It seems he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore and it's breaking my heart.

 

He asked me before to talk to him about anything that was bothering me and a part of me wants to call and talk to him about how I'm feeling now. Another part of me sees no use in calling him about it. I went thru these conversations w/my ex and he would treat me better for awhile and then eventually revert back to his old ways. It became an endless cycle that I don't want to repeat again and that is my hesitation in talking to this man about how I'm feeling now. No one is perfect, but a conversation about how to treat others is something that I just don't want to have with anybody. I feel he's old enough to know but would really appreciate other opinions on it. Right now, it feels like I have been unceremoniously dumped and could really use some honest feedback on this whole thing.

 

For the record, I do not feel he owes me anything just because I slept with him. I feel more disappointed about how he is behaving now than in the experience itself. Anyway, today is my day off and I planned to get out and do some things for myself. But my city flooded last night so I'm stuck in the house for now with my thoughts. Can someone please offer their wisdom, advice and/or guidance about all of this? Again, I would really appreciate it.

Edited May 26, 2015 by pidgeon1010

[stillarose]

Your reply bought tears to my eyes Dyna. Thank you so much for putting my thoughts/feelings into words so eloquently. It hurts to admit that I am attached to a man whom seems to only care about what he wants. And yet, this is the truth. It is also true that he has shown his true colors not once, but twice and that people generally do not change. I do feel that he is trying to use me to satisfy his own needs and that in the end, I do not matter to him. It is so painful to admit all of this; but I have to admit this, accept this and then I am going to have to move on from him for good. He has had his chances and does not deserve anything more.

 

Thank you so much for also pointing out that the red flags are there for the taking. I do not feel a discussion with him about it is necessary nor do I feel him I owe him an explanation either. I tried to talk w/him the first time this happened and all I got were claims of innocence and ignorance. I would feel foolish taking myself through that again when his actions are already speaking to me. All I have to do is ignore what he says and pay attention to what he does instead. Actions do speak louder than words and I completely agree that his actions have been all about him rather than a compromise (he heard my concerns loud and clear, yet continued to pressure me to return to his house). That is enough for me break things off right there. I have had enough of this and I want peace of mind back again.

 

Thank you also for understanding how difficult this is Dyna. It hurts, and yet I completely agree that it is in my best interest to cut him off and continue the search for someone more considerate and respectful of my needs and feelings. It’s been a long time since I’ve had allowed anyone in my life; and although I am afraid it’s going to be awhile longer, I’d still rather wait than accept someone who is clearly not the one for me. Thank you for your wisdom and advice as I sort my way through this. You have given me a lot of strength here and it is appreciated more than you know.

[stillarose]

Hi Pidgeon, I totally agree about accepting sofa dates; I’m just shocked that he tried to reduce me to that so quickly. We have often left for dates from each other’s houses; but it is the first time I went for dinner and it was also the first time we slept together. After that, all invitations to date outside his house ceased and I immediately ceased sleeping with him choosing not to return again.

 

I am worth so much more than what he is offering and I also choose not to be used as a hook up, booty call, sofa date or any other game that anybody tries to play with me. I don’t know why and I honestly don’t care either, but he has started calling a lil while ago. He’s not leaving a vm; just calling and hanging up when he gets the vm; and although this is making me very angry, I still do not want a confrontation about any of this. I just want him to take his games and get the heck on. It is him whose value has plummeted in my eyes and again I just want him to go away now. I see him as a little kid, unable to handle life without a bag of tricks; and I have lost all respect for him as a result.

 

How should I handle this? Again, I don’t want to discuss a thing with him and I don’t want a confrontation nor reconciliation. I also don’t want him approaching me on the job about this either. I am done with this and just want to start the healing process. How would you handle it? I'm tired, have not slept well and have to be at work at midnight. It feels like I am not thinking straight and would truly value any advice you can give me. Thank you so much listening and responding. I really appreciate it.

[eleve82]

Hi Pidgeon, I totally agree about accepting sofa dates; I’m just shocked that he tried to reduce me to that so quickly. We have often left for dates from each other’s houses; but it is the first time I went for dinner and it was also the first time we slept together. After that, all invitations to date outside his house ceased and I immediately ceased sleeping with him choosing not to return again.

 

I am worth so much more than what he is offering and I also choose not to be used as a hook up, booty call, sofa date or any other game that anybody tries to play with me. I don’t know why and I honestly don’t care either, but he has started calling a lil while ago. He’s not leaving a vm; just calling and hanging up when he gets the vm; and although this is making me very angry, I still do not want a confrontation about any of this. I just want him to take his games and get the heck on. It is him whose value has plummeted in my eyes and again I just want him to go away now. I see him as a little kid, unable to handle life without a bag of tricks; and I have lost all respect for him as a result.

 

How should I handle this? Again, I don’t want to discuss a thing with him and I don’t want a confrontation nor reconciliation. I also don’t want him approaching me on the job about this either. I am done with this and just want to start the healing process. How would you handle it? I'm tired, have not slept well and have to be at work at midnight. It feels like I am not thinking straight and would truly value any advice you can give me. Thank you so much listening and responding. I really appreciate it.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that he has unsettled you so much. I must confess though that I am a little confused - it doesn't seem like you particularly liked him much in the beginning anyway.. why is he able to affect you so much? If you want him out of your life just block his calls, easy. Don't let this ruin your self esteem.

[eleve82]

I'm sorry to hear that he has unsettled you so much. I must confess though that I am a little confused - it doesn't seem like you particularly liked him much in the beginning anyway.. why is he able to affect you so much? If you want him out of your life just block his calls, easy. Don't let this ruin your self esteem.

 

 

 

Also, its too easy to dismiss a guys intention as bad - instead of leaving him to decide where and when to meet, why not just straight up tell him you would like to go out somewhere? If he says no then you have legitimate proof he only treats you as a booty call but right now your responses to him could be seen as being passive and it could be confusing or putting him off

[pidgeon1010]

You have a great attitude! My advice? Do not take his calls until he apologizes and asks to talk. These type of men know when they have behaved poorly and you should not reward bad behavior with attention. Don't let him have it easy. I have gained a lot of strength from comments on here and another website (The Mirror of Aphrodite) and I encourage you to browse that website as well. The disappearing man has now returned. Ignore him. Every time you told him how you wanted to treated, trust me that he heard you. He just was looking out for numero uno: HIMSELF. Calling and hanging up is not doing much (once again, he is being lazy). Here is a little piece of an article from that website that may be relevant to your situation. What to do when a guy who has treated you poorly resurfaces:

 

When you step out of the line of fire, and you let someone suffer the consequences of their bad behavior and decisions in life - you're actually doing a good thing - you're helping them grow as a person and learn valuable lessons in life that will make them better people in the long run.

 

So if you're man (or woman) is treating you like crap, taking advantage of you, not following through with things, bailing on you or rejecting you or saying he needs space or he doesn't want a relationship - whatever it is he's saying he needs or he's doing - you "stick it" to him, like glue, the consequences of his own actions and behavior.

 

And you step out of the line of fire - and you make him (her) walk right through it.

 

When a man (or woman) says they need space, you give it to them. When they stand you up for a date, you make them live with it. When they don't call when they say they will, you make them live with that decision. And when you do that, you're actually helping them and you learn a valuable lesson.

 

......

 

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

 

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

 

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

 

“No, this is unacceptable.”

 

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

 

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

 

.....

 

When a guy who has treated you poorly reappears - you don't respond. You stay gone for a solid two weeks. And during that time, you observe his behavior to get a better feel for him. When a man treats a woman with this type of disregard - you NEVER reward his bad behavior by showering him with lots of attention and affection. When a man behaves badly, he gets the same treatment in return. So you disappear on him and you stay gone for a few weeks. No texts, no responses, no calls, no return calls - no nothing. Disappear.

 

And then sit back and watch what he does next. That speaks volumes. And he gets NOTHING from you, not ONE ounce of attention - until he treats you with respect and apologizes for being a jerk.

 

No apology - no attention from you. Period. Make him responsible for his own actions and hold him accountable for them.

 

 

 

Hi Pidgeon, I totally agree about accepting sofa dates; I’m just shocked that he tried to reduce me to that so quickly. We have often left for dates from each other’s houses; but it is the first time I went for dinner and it was also the first time we slept together. After that, all invitations to date outside his house ceased and I immediately ceased sleeping with him choosing not to return again.

 

I am worth so much more than what he is offering and I also choose not to be used as a hook up, booty call, sofa date or any other game that anybody tries to play with me. I don’t know why and I honestly don’t care either, but he has started calling a lil while ago. He’s not leaving a vm; just calling and hanging up when he gets the vm; and although this is making me very angry, I still do not want a confrontation about any of this. I just want him to take his games and get the heck on. It is him whose value has plummeted in my eyes and again I just want him to go away now. I see him as a little kid, unable to handle life without a bag of tricks; and I have lost all respect for him as a result.

 

How should I handle this? Again, I don’t want to discuss a thing with him and I don’t want a confrontation nor reconciliation. I also don’t want him approaching me on the job about this either. I am done with this and just want to start the healing process. How would you handle it? I'm tired, have not slept well and have to be at work at midnight. It feels like I am not thinking straight and would truly value any advice you can give me. Thank you so much listening and responding. I really appreciate it.

[dyna85]

Stillarose, let me just say that you will get through this. I had to reply to your post because I can fully relate as this is the first time I've had to deal with a situation like this, and with time, the fog has definitely started to lift, but it's been quite the process and I have struggled very much with my feelings. However, I'm getting there, and you will heal too.

 

It is definitely best to walk away from a guy who is not willing to compromise, empathize with you, and/or consider your wants/needs outside of his own.

 

If he's causing this much hurt and it's this painful in the beginning, it will just be that much harder down the road.

 

That's why I cut my losses after a short period like you. We know our worth and that's what's important.

 

Just be gentle with yourself and take it day by day.

 

I think it's one of those lessons on boundaries that unfortunately, we needed to learn the hard way.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Also, pidgeon's advice is spot on and I wish this were spread to the masses so we knew the signs and what to avoid from the get-go, so as to avoid such painful repercussions from guys seeking to exploit women for their own selfish desires.

[stillarose]

Thank you so much Pidgeon, Dyna and Eleve82!!! Your words are the TRUTH!!! I didn’t read this before heading to work but felt I should ignore him if I did run into him. I saw him once in the breakroom and simply turned around and went back to my machine. I have nothing to say to him and don’t feel a need to explain anything to him either. All I feel now is disgust toward him.

 

He has begun leaving vm’s asking if I’m okay. He knows I’m fine and have decided to drop him and his games. I have a cricket zte and it does not block numbers. My silence is going to have to speak for itself here until he does either grow up or goes away. Unfortunately, I don’t think he will ever stop his games (at least not for me). I think he will eventually understand that I am no dummy to be toyed with and I also think it’s at that point that he will eventually move on as I have already started to do. I want the peace of mind I had before allowing him to enter it. I also feel the need to be more vigilant in future dating and to work on my skills at setting boundaries from the start. I can be quite passive until I get upset. I need to work on speaking up for myself in all aspects of my life before things get to that point.

 

I worked 14 hours last night and would like to explore The Mirror of Aphrodite before going back in tonight. In the meantime, I just really want to thank you guys so much for taking the time to read my story and for your honesty, advice, wisdom and guidance. It is appreciated more than you can ever know!!