wishfulthinking76 Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 I thought I had found true love and I don't know what went wrong. I met this person and we fell in love at first site. Everything was great for half a year and we even started planning a life together. He called me his soul mate and gave me a promise ring. Then he needed to go away for electives (he is in med school). Everything went really sour in the month he was away. I was going threw a very difficult period in my time and everything that could have gone wrong did. I needed to talk about it and recieve support. Instead he would be emotionally distant and get angry at me. He would be upset that I couldn't be understanding and we would end up fighting and I would become super emotional. It got to the point that he would yell at me when I started to cry about everything and we fought for a month straight. Now he says his feelings have changed and he doesn't want a relationship with me. This hurts because we were in love. Now he says he loves me but is not in love with me and that although he wants things to work out he doesn't want to spend time working them out. He doesn't want a relationship because he wants to be selfish with his free time. He tells me to call him if I ever need support from him and he wants to be a key friend in my life. But he'll still be annoyed if I am super depressed and call him at a bad time. I don't know if I should not have him in my life. I feel like it is my fault things went sour. I know we could fix them if he wanted to work on them but he doesn't. Yet weeks ago we were planning our lives together. I don't get how this is possible. How can someone abandon you emotionally when your going through a hard time? I still have such strong feelings for him and want him as a friend. He seems to be too busy with work to care about me. Could time work things out? Should I want them to be fixed? Should I kick him out of my life? Will he ever realize what he has lost?
suegail Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 I'm sorry that happened to you. I know it's a hurtful thing. Feelings just do change, as painful as it is for the one who still cares the most, and I think usually the best thing you can do is just back off. Let him see that you can be strong - - and even if it's killing you inside, do that. Don't call him or try to get in touch in any way. Let him have the time to think it over and in time he'll know if he feels he has or has not made a mistake.
johnjohnsmith Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 I know we could fix them if he wanted to work on them but he doesn't The writing my friend is on the wall, same as my Ex , her "excuse" was I dont believe you can change , blah , blah , blah, excuses, excuses, excuses. He seems to be too busy with work to care about me. Could time work things out? Should I want them to be fixed? Should I kick him out of my life? Will he ever realize what he has lost? No!! he will never realize that he has lost you, BC hes the one that left, your situation is similar to mine but she left me and was looking for a excuse to leave. He just doesnt want to be tied down/ in a relationship anymore.This is hard to accept and was for me because they leave for thier own selfish reasons, nothing more and nothing less. It has nothing to do with you ,please remember that. Why ??? remember that because if it has nothing to do with you, nothing you say/do, dont do will change anything. Leave him, forget him and if he does realise what hes missing tell him to get lost.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 1. I know we could fix them if he wanted to work on them but he doesn't. 2. Yet weeks ago we were planning our lives together. I don't get how this is possible. 3. How can someone abandon you emotionally when your going through a hard time? 4. I still have such strong feelings for him and want him as a friend. 5. He seems to be too busy with work to care about me. 6. Could time work things out? 7. Should I want them to be fixed? 8. Should I kick him out of my life? 9. Will he ever realize what he has lost? 1. Fixing things takes two people. If only one person is interested in 'fixing things' then things will never be fixed as a couple. When someone says that to you, its time to move on. 2. He fell out of love with you. It is as natural and as enigmatic as falling into love. The process is a long, slow, steady decline. Think of his heart and his love for you like a jug full of water. Now imagine that the point where the decline begins is like taking a pin and pricking a tiny hole in the bottom of the jug. Every day, more leaks out. You don't notice it at first, but its happening. You likely won't notice anything different. Time goes by, and eventually you begin to notice the level going down. At about three quarters down, he may still be talking in terms of a future with you, because there's still enough love left in his heart to do so. But... the hole is still there, and his love for you diminishes by the day. By the time its halfway down, you start hearing stuff like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", and stuff like "needing time" or "needing space". Then it continues to leak out. The level drops, and its "lets be friends". The level continues to drop and the "friendship" seems to be obligational and any time you try to benefit from the friendship, you get nothing but frustration from him. Then it drops more, and he's telling you stuff like "I don't want reconciliation". Eventually, it will leak out entirely and he'll be saying stuff like "friends isn't a good idea, I think we should just go our separate ways." 3. Because their love for you reaches a low enough point where your emotional hard times are nothing more than an obligational drag, and they really don't care enough about you to be concerned about them. 4. I expect he knows that by "friends" you mean "biding time until the reconciliation". Since he doesn't want reconciliation, he wants no part of your version of "friends". 5. I don't think being busy with work has as much to do with it as emotional indifference toward you. If it wasn't work, it would be something else. 6. Time will help you get over this. So, in a sense - things can work out for you. As a couple, no. He has already left the relationship with no hope of reconciliation. The harder you push for 'fixing' things, the more he will retreat. 7. It is natural to want things to be fixed. You love him, that's understandable. 8. I think he has already made that choice for you. At this point, it would be thinking in terms of kicking him out of your heart. 9. He knew perfectly well what he was giving up. He willingly gave up those things you think he will miss. The only chance is to walk away before he gets to a point where he has to push you away. If that happens, his last impressions of you will be distinctly unfavorable. Do you think he will want to return to someone he had to literally push away? Someone who pushed him to the point of emotional investments that go down into the negatives (hatred). If you walk away before that happens, there is at least some infinitesimal chance he may one day reflect on his favorable impressions and 'miss' the 'good parts'.
Author wishfulthinking76 Posted April 25, 2005 Author Posted April 25, 2005 I just wish that with time he would realize that his feelings changed because I was going through a rough time and that made it hard for us to communicate. Then maybe he would want me back. I just want to get back what we had and I am not sure why he can't remember back to it and want it again. I understand what everyone is saying but it seems so hard to accept Especially when he calls his sweetie and tells me that he misses me, yet he doesn't seem to care if I move on or not. I don't get it! Are these things he says to lead me on or out of obligation because he knows I am so down right now? Maybe this is why I shouldn't talk to him anymore... his words say one thing but his action say another. His words aren't letting me move on.
johnjohnsmith Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Wishfull - your name says it all and you already Know but cant accept. this will take time. I can assure you people and especially women are 10per cent what they say and 90 per cent actions. The hardest part right now for you is aceptance that its over. My Ex would get drunk , tell me she loved me and we had a future together only to tell me when she was sober that she couldnt remember what she had said and it was still over . This went on and on for 2 months. You already know that its over you just have to accept it.
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