acj Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I have been seeing this guy (we are both in our 40's and have known each other for almost 5 years, long story), we don’t live in the same city and are not in an exclusive relationship yet. I know he is dating other women. I have not been very sure about his interest due to the lack of communication, but we have been planning future trips together...we have a group trip in July that he was saying we would be rooming together, I told him I wanted to spend time with him getting to know him better so we extended the trip to do that. We are still in the early stages of this and he is dealing with a lot of things that he needs to work through, so I have not said anything about where this is going, etc. However, since we are planning things together I thought it best for me to set some boundaries for myself. I told him that I’m not interested in being anyone’s plaything, f-buddy, or friends with benefits, I told him that I’m not playing around. He seemed to be ok with what I said and later on told me that he is not a piece of meat (we joked about this), so I thought this was him letting me know that we are on the same page. Two months later, he came for a visit. He kept mentioning what I had said to him so finally I asked if it bother him. He told me he was really offended by what I said and told me that I obviously think that’s the kind of guy he is. He misunderstood what I was trying to say and I got very upset with myself knowing that what I said had hurt him that much. I tried to explain why I said it and I told him that in no way do I feel that way about him, but the more I tried to explain the worse the conversation got. He started saying that he is not a piece of meat and that I told him he was...I never said that and I have no idea where that came from. I have never treated him that way. He said that I was expecting s*x on our trip.... I have no idea where that came from either, I told him again I wanted to spend time with him getting to know him better. I apologized for what I had said but he was upset with me the entire visit. I actually thought he was going to get on a plane and go home, but he stayed. He was very distant the remaining visit and things were tense. I was a mess, feeling horrible about all of this and was very sensitive the day after our discussion to just about anything he said afraid he would misunderstand something....I was on pins and needles that day. I tried to talk to him about it but every time he shut me down and asked me why I keep bring it up. I didn't say anything to him, but at this point I'm figuring I need to cancel the trip. The day he left, he started talking about the trip, saying "when we are in..." so I'm feeling more comfortable about the trip and not cancelling...(of course I have no idea at this point if he wants to room with me anymore or not). He told me that he was hurt by what I said and that I had these preconceived notions about him (again I told him that was not true at all). I asked him if he was going to be able to get past this, he said time will tell. I barely got a hug when I dropped him off at the airport. I did send him a text a few days later saying “I am sorry for what I said and that I hurt you. I did not intentionally mean to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.” But no other contact. I have not heard from him. I feel horrible and have been beating myself up about this. It was never my intention to hurt him. I thought setting boundaries for myself was a good idea, but I realize now that he is an extremely sensitive guy and should have chosen my words much more gently. I learned a lot about him this and myself as well. I have no idea if I'll hear from him, don't know what to expect on this trip, etc. For all I know he is over it by now but wont let me know that. Any advise?
mightycpa Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I feel horrible and have been beating myself up about this. It was never my intention to hurt him. I thought setting boundaries for myself was a good idea, but I realize now that he is an extremely sensitive guy There you go. I could barely read through the pity-party portion of your post. It made me cringe. So, there you have it. A LDR with a guy who takes offense at the smallest ****, or at least claims to, and then doesn't know how to get over it. Oh, and he's already supposed to be grown up. C'mon! Find a nice local man who won't wince when a barb comes his way. You're wasting your time trying to navigate through the red flags. 2
Author acj Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 Your right, no need for me to have a pitty party! Lots for me to think on.
Maleficent Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Not sure why you are beating yourself up over what you said. The guy really over reacted imo
salparadise Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I thought it best for me to set some boundaries for myself. I told him that I’m not interested in being anyone’s plaything, f-buddy, or friends with benefits, I told him that I’m not playing around. Two months later, he came for a visit. He kept mentioning what I had said to him so finally I asked if it bother him. He told me he was really offended by what I said and told me that I obviously think that’s the kind of guy he is. I'm not quite sure about the whole context, but I've gone out with women before who thought it appropriate to read me the riot act in a similar way. It does imply that you believe the other person might have the intention to treat you badly or has unsavory intentions, otherwise it wouldn't need to be said. Secondly, it shows that you're prone to make assumptions, are projecting someone else's behavior onto him, or for some reason are overly defensive, traumatized, or have significant trust issues. So if a woman feels the need to say stuff like that to me as a prerequisite to having a conversation or going on a date, and especially if I can see emotion attached to it, then my thoughts would be along the lines of.... "well, crap. This one is damaged and needs rescuing, but that's not my schtick so- next." But on his part, if he's sticking around and whining and sniveling and acting all butt-hurt for more than 10 minutes, well that's not a good sign either. IMO, what he should've said when you start that routine is, "excuse me, but I don't believe I've made you any offers––do you have me confused with someone else?"
kendahke Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) Sir protests too much, methinks... Sounds more to me like you peeped his game and he flipped the script on you and accused you of exactly what he was intending upon doing. It didn't take all of that drama--all he needed to say was "I agree; let's take things slowly". That's it. Not days of you walking around on pins and needles because you were looking out for your best interests. To then act like a sniveling child for 2 days after was really, really uncalled for. He should have gotten on a plane and left *IF* he was that jacked up about what you said--or he shouldn't have come at all. It sounds like to me he wanted to smash as soon as he could get to it and you put the kibosh on it. To hide his embarrassment, he projected his mess onto you and ran with it. I think he went way overboard in mind-effing you. I'd completely reconsider doing anything with him in July. Edited May 26, 2015 by kendahke 5
Author acj Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) salparadise - I was not trying to read him the riot act and it does not have anything to do with my having "significant trust issues" or projecting other behavior on to him and I definitely do not need "rescuing" by anyone. He is dealing with a lot of things, lives 2000 miles away, and I know he is dating other women. He kept saying some things to me that made me think possibly he was only playing around so I was trying to set some boundaries for myself. In hindsight, the way I went about it was definitely wrong and I should have had a very different conversation with him. That is on me and my poor communication skills, which I readily admit that I have. I, in no way, was making assumptions about him...as I already said I do not think of him in that way. Neither one of us handled it well. Edited May 26, 2015 by acj Left something off
Yookie Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 He was dead wrong. I don't care how you said it. If he was that offended he should have left. Only a child or manipulator would pout and drag out a disagreement for two days! He doesn't even know you that well and he's already pulling this stunt. If you let him get away with this, it will get much worse as time goes on. You will be walking on eggshells every time he doesn't get his way. 4
spiderowl Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I doubt this guy was hurt at what you said. You said he was dating other women - that's not a guy who is unworldly. He should understand that you want to know where you stand with him. What's all this stuff about him being a piece of meat? You never said that so he's putting his own spin on it. The way he made you feel guilty and apologetic sounds pretty awful. If you ever find yourself 'walking on eggshells' with a guy, think twice. That shreaks emotional manipulation on his part. If he can't accept what you've said and laugh it off in the same way you might, then he is a worry. From what you've said, I'd be saying goodbye to this guy. Having to tread carefully round a guy you hardly know yet is a big red flag. Look out for other ways in which he might try to manipulate you into feeling guilty for something or other. These hints are signs of someone very controlling. 1
Author acj Posted May 27, 2015 Author Posted May 27, 2015 Thanks for all the great insight. I definitely have a lot to think about before the July trip. I am treading very lightly....the jury is still out. 1
Recommended Posts