Shontopost Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Thanks in advance for reading this, I really appreciate your advice. My kind and loving boyfriend (36) and I (31) broke up two weeks ago after a mostly happy ten-month relationship. We never lived together, because I was allergic to his dog (we agreed that we'd need a much bigger space in order for that to work). But the main issue was the extent to which his ex-girlfriend / "best friend" was still in the picture. They dated five years ago for several months, until she told him she didn't want a relationship, and he has remained very close with her and her now husband ever since — eating dinner with them several times a week, babysitting for their newborn, helping them with chores, and basically just being very involved in their lives. He explained to me early on that they were his "family," so naturally I was nervous meeting them (also because he used to date her). But meeting them put me at ease — I didn't find her to be that attractive (honestly), and I felt mostly secure in what we had. However, as the relationship progressed, I felt uncomfortable with the frequency of her texts and phone calls (which he always seemed to prioritize), combined with the time they would spend together alone — going on the occasional bike ride, or just babysitting at their house while she worked from home. At the same time he is just a very nice person and helps out a lot of people, often for free and at the expense of his own financial stability. He's 36 and has three roommates. Things were okay until his brothers flew in for a visit and she planned a dinner for them, which made me uncomfortable and I ended up not going. We fought about it and he apologized but said he didn't know what to do — they were just friends. I then backpedalled and said that my real concern was the fact that he absolutely wants children, and I just don't know if I do (it doesn't help that we are both struggling financially). But as the relationship went on, I continued to have my doubts about the two of them, and wondered if he was still beholden to her, somehow. I didn't like that she would call him whenever she wanted, and that she didn't seem to have an interest in getting to know me. We ended up breaking up (somewhat mutually, though it was more me) after I got mad that he was babysitting for her a second day in a row when I had just returned from a trip and wanted to see him. I told him again that his relationship with her makes me uncomfortable, and that I needed him to dial it back. He said he had already done that, and didn't know what else to do to show me that I was the most important person to him. Now it seems like he wants to work things out, but either doesn't know what to do, or isn't willing to change things for me to feel more comfortable. I didn't give him an ultimatum in terms of cutting her out of his life, but I can't be in a relationship where there's this amount of focus on another woman (especially an ex). Still, I'm scared to let him go.. if I ever even had him to begin with. It seemed like I did, but their closeness always made me uneasy. Thanks for your advice.
fireflywy Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) Personally don't think you're wrong on this one and even though I know I'll get yelled at by other LSers I find it somewhat odd that he devotes that much time to her. I understand friendships and all, but if she is his primary friend aka not many males in his circle, then yeah, I would find it odd too. HOWEVER, if he is TRULY affirming what YOU mean to him and showing you kidness, affection, loving words of affirmation, and is WILLING to put your relationship first and reduce somewhat his time with her (I think his ex should understand that when new loves enter our lives that our priorities do and sometimes SHOULD change) then you need to work on your attachment mechansims a bit and not let your fears spiral completely out of control. Now if he ISNT doing these things, then kick him to the curb. Also, if it really bothers you that much, its OKAY to find someone else who doesn't have an ex in the picture which influences his current relationship. At the end of the day, unless you meet her and assauge your fears, he shouldn't be tying two dogs to the same tree. Edited May 26, 2015 by fireflywy 2
Ruby65 Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) Okay, I'm going to vote for: yeah, this "friendship" is super creepy! I honestly don't know what's going on with the three of them, but I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a guy who was so close to an ex and her husband and baby. I dated a guy with a super-close ex once and it was a total mess! It had been years since they were together and had remained "best friends" ever since. They even shared a house together. He assured me there was nothing there anymore and that they had both been dating other people for years. So, I was cool with it -- but was the ex ever NOT okay with me! Yow. She was really territorial about him and actually scowled whenever I was around. She refused to hang out with us. When she was around, I noticed she'd always use the royal "we" -- as if they were a married couple. He would do it, too. And over time I realized they WERE emotionally married to each other. Finally after a few months she broke down and confessed she was still in love with him and demanded that he choose -- her or me! I couldn't believe it. The worst part: he wanted to go on as it was, keeping her as a roommate and dating me! He still couldn't bear to cut ties with her. He wanted to work out a compromise. So I walked away and honestly never looked back. I would say that no matter now normal or acceptable this kind of super-close bond between exes appears to be, I think it's a complete and utter FREAK SHOW if you dig beneath the surface. There's probably unresolved feelings involved on someone's behalf.... but they're BOTH getting something out of it, otherwise they wouldn't still be so involved in each others' lives. In short -- I'd walk away from this guy if he's not willing to cut ties completely with this ex and her family. Edited May 26, 2015 by Ruby65 2
Author Shontopost Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 Wow thank you for both of these replies. I'm amazed at the quality of advice here. I guess the hard part in all of this is that he was very affirming —* in all other ways he was a great boyfriend. And I probably do have an anxious attachment style. Still it's really helpful to see that others view this relationship (even though it includes the husband, somewhat) as troublesome.
fireflywy Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Husband or no, (almost makes me wonder if they are open marriage people!) I think exes should stay in the past and if there is any friendship in the future, it should be little more then acquaintances unless there are children involved. I would next this guy based on Ruby's insight. 1
tylerj Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Speaking from a male perspective I'd also feel uncomfortable with this sort of dynamic. I'm not the person to keep exes in the background (or even the foreground as is the case above!) and the dynamic is one I'd expect to be shared with any potential partner. In my experience there are still a large number of people who think differently though! So, I don't blame you for feeling that way, and it's perhaps just a confirmation the relationship wasn't right. 2
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