greensapphire Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Hi, I (27) just broke up with my boyfriend (31), the man I thought I'd be marrying. I'm sorry, this thread will be long, but I just need to get out our story. If anyone has time to read this (and maybe say something), I'd be grateful. I feel like I'm a complete mess right now. Thank you so much. We met in summer 2012, were introduced by a mutual friend when I studied in another country. He lived in another country, in another continent, was just there to visit. I felt like when we saw each other for the first time, we couldn't take our eyes off each other again. In the same night, we kissed and later hooked up, a thing I don't do usually. After that, we spend an awesome week together, and I fell in love with him. He had to go back to his country then, but kept texting and calling me literally all the time. He told me he has very strong feelings for me and has never felt something like this before, and we talked all the time for a couple of weeks, until he asked me if I want to move to his country and live with him. First, I found the idea crazy. Then, I thought, why not? I finished my studies a week later, and I would have to decide anyways where to go next, since I didn't have a job anywhere yet. I thought, now or never. And my feelings for him were so strong, I was so sure about us and he kept assuring me that he will always be there for me, no matter what. So after a while, I made a decision- I moved! The first few weeks were wonderful, like a dream. I even found a job pretty quickly, which was so amazing. I didn't really like his city so it was hard for e, but I still didn't regret my decision. Then, while we were on our first short vacation together, he suddenly changed. He became cold, often didn't even look at me when we talked, and became very distant. I asked him what's going on, he said that he's scared that we did a huge mistake by moving me here to live with him. That sometimes he feels he just wants to be alone, also because he has never been single in the past 10 years. It was a huge shock for me, and I cried and cried, planned to move back to my own country. He then came to me and said he misses me so much and he loves me, and he really doesn't want me to go. He said that we will work it out. So I stayed. It didn't get better. Many times, we were still very happy. Other times, he was distant again. We were together for 4 months, when I went to my country to visit my parents. We skyped, and he was distant again. I asked him what's going on. He said he wants to break up because he still feels like he should be alone. I disconnected immediately on Skype, and didn't contact him. It hurt so much. A week later, he sent me a huge email, saying how sorry he is about everything and that he's an idiot and probably just scared of how much I mean to him and that I should give him another chance. I did, and we continued the relationship. By the way, I also found out that he was in a 1.5 years relationship with another girl when he met me. I never asked him back then if he was single, but I assumed so, since he pursued me from minute one. I found out because a mutual friend told me. He then admitted it, saying that he just didn't want me to think badly of him, and that he just fell so hard for me. He said he broke up with her just days after meeting me, and I know at least that this is true, because I revised Facebook and talked to our mutual friend. Everything was ok again, except of some stupid fights, but just stuff normal couples fight about. Just six weeks after he sent me that heartbreaking email, we had a big fight about me going to a work event (and him not wanting me to go there alone), and he suddenly broke up, again. I cried so much. A stayed a few days in the guest room, those days were hell for me. I still loved him so much, and he didn't want to be with me anymore. I decided to stay a bit longer in his city since I worked there, so I decided to move out, and found an apartment just days later. I moved out, and we didn't talk for a few weeks. Then he suddenly wanted to meet. We met, talked a lot, about random stuff, had a great day. No kissing or so. We did this for three days, then on the third day we hooked up. He asked me to get back together and that we can really work on everything and that he's sorry to have hurt me like that- I went back to him, moved in with him again after a couple of weeks. Everything seemed great, even my parents came to visit me and I was so happy because he gave me so much love again. Then, after being together for a total of 8 months, we went on a big vacation to Spain. It was amazing, really really great, just wonderful. We came back to our apartment, and a bit later I had a huge fight with my mom on the phone. Aftet that, I was in tears, and in a really bad mood for two days. I tried to not let it out on my boyfriend, so I wasn't mean at all, but I also didn't smile much, I was just acting sad and didn't talk much. He broke up three days later, saying that he thinks I'm not happy at all with him and that he thinks he's doing everything wrong. I could not believe it. I packed my stuff, and went to the city I studied, really far away from him, just to think about everything and get myself distracted and try to heal. We didn't talk for over a month. Then he contacted me, saying that he's going to the city I'm in (my studies city) for work (it's far, but his company is from that country so they send him there for work sometimes), he asked if we can meet. I said okay. We met. We spent some days together, hooked up again. He asked if I want to get back together. I said I really don't know, that he hurt me so much that I don't know if that has any sense at all. He somehow convinced me again. We got back together, and I went back with him to our apartment in his city. At that point, my trust in him was obviously already broke. I loved him so incredibly much though that I didn't want to be without him. After a couple of months, I was on his computer to look at some pictures of our trip back in April (Spain). In the same folder (it wasn't separated yet) where pictures of him, with another girl, from exactly the same we were broken up. It was obvious that they were dating. It hurt so much. I wanted to know everything then. I checked his phone, and I found messages from her on it, from the time we were broken up. Not really sweet messages (and no 'I love you', 'I miss you' or other cute dating stuff, it was rather a friends with benefits thing), but I saw that he still met her after he already got back together with me (but before I came back to his city to live with him). They still had sex then. It ended a few days before I came back, I saw messages from her saying stuff like 'Why don't you talk to me anymore? Can't you give me an explanation at least'? I also stalked her on Facebook and saw that she moved to another country a month after this. I was so hurt, but I decided to stay with him anyway. But my trust was already broken, so I started snooping around in the next few months. I found emails on his computer, he still talked to that girl like once a month, nothing couple-like, but just normal emails like friends, but I didn't like it at all, he also never mentioned me to her in any of those emails. I also found an email to another ex-girlfriend, a girl he dated many years ago for just half a year or so. She lives in another country, far away, and he knows that. He emailed her when we were broken up, telling her that he really misses her, never should have let her go and really wants to see her. She wrote him back, just saying that she has a boyfriend and therefore won't meet him. I also checked his phone, and found many text messages of him and ANOTHER ex-girlfriend, the one he cheated on with me, the one he broke up with for me. Just friendly stuff, but they texted a lot. I also found an email from her, telling him that she misses him so much and asking if he wants to get back together. His answer- No. He said she's still super important to him, but that he doesn't see a future. No mention of me. I talked to him about everything, he got super pissed because I snooped, we got into a huge fight. We didn't talk for about a week, but we didn't break up either. Then- we were together for a total of one year and 9 months- we went on another big holiday, which was- once again- amazing and just wonderful. On the last day, we got into a fight because I forgot my passport in the hotel and almost missed the flight. I cried, he was mad and completely ignored me, the entire flight. When we arrived at the airport, I said that we really need to talk this out, and that I hate when he's so cold. He didn't say much, but then said that he doesn't know if there is a future and that he's doubting so much. This came out of nowhere for me. I asked him if he wants to break up, he nodded. I left him standing there the same second and moved out the next day. I went NC and tried to move on with my life. We didn't have any contact for almost three months. Then I received an email from him, him telling me how he realised how much he loves and misses me, and that I'm the one for him and wants to be with me forever yadda yadda. I didn't want to get back together, but I agreed to meet him to hear him out. We met, and we met a few times again. Then, I believed him. We got back together again, and he really seemed like a changed man. We didn't have any fights, he treated me perfectly, and he talked about our future together a lot. I was happy again, felt like he really had changed and was really sure about me now. After a while, his work transferred him to another city (1h flight from there) and he asked me if I want to move there with him and buy a house there with him. I was overwhelmed but happy, and since I do most of my work from the home office I agreed to move with him there. We moved there a few months later, the move was exhausting but we were so happy when we arrived and signed a one year lease. We also found a house on sale very quickly and decided to buy it, signed the contract just days later. That was in January. In late January, he came home one day, sat me down and told me that he thinks we should get married. He said it would be great for the papers, and I got take advantage of his great health care. I told him that for me, marriage is about love. He said of course it is and that he loves me a lot and that this is of course the reason he wants to marry me. He didn't get me a ring, but in the end I was okay with it, because he said we can buy rings together. He also said I should do some research on what kind of wedding I want and that we can do anything I want. He kept assuring me that he's excited, that he really wants to do this and that he trusts my planning. Then I asked him when he'd have time to look at rings but he couldn't really give me an answer. Days later we passed a jewellery store and he was the one who suggested to go inside and look at rings. I asked for engagement rings, and heard him immediately laughing in the background. When I asked him what's wrong he said 'I thought you want to look at wedding bands, not engagement rings. I didn't get you an e-ring, and women usually don't buy one theirselves'. I was disappointed, and we left. It didn't end there. When I asked him about wedding bands, he suddenly said that he hates jewellery and really doesn't want to wear a ring. He also didn't say anything to the wedding ideas I had, even though I had all options: Eloping for cheap to an island, having a medium wedding with friends and family, or just parents attending. I even said I'm okay with getting married at the courthouse and having a party or so next year. He didn't seem to like any of this suddenly. When I finally sat him down (a few weeks after he said we should get married) he said that he feels pressured and that he really doesn't want to get married now. I was so hurt, but asked him for a timeline. He said he couldn't give me one. I asked him if he is still sure about us and if he has any doubts. He said he is still sure, and that we will definitely get married, but not now. He wants it to happen naturally. I said okay, and dropped the topic, even though I was hurt. The relationship was good after all, so I thought. The next couple of months were very nice, very peaceful, even though he didn't bring marriage up again at all and that worried me a bit. Just a few weeks ago, he still told me all the time how much he loves me. A few weeks ago also, some little detail changed, about the house we bought. They needed us to sign the contract again, so we went, we signed again. If I knew he had doubts, I obviously wouldn't have signed. Three weeks ago, we even went on a wonderful trip to Mexico. We were also talking about doing another trip this November. Then, in the last two weeks, we had a couple of small fights about non-important stuff. BUT he sometimes acted distant again, like he had to go to another city for work one night, and we didn't talk all day. He texted me when he got back to the hotel, and I asked him to skype or talk on the phone. He said he's really tired and he rather goes to sleep. He sent me a kiss, no I love you. I answered the same minute, but he was already offline and didn't answer again. I didn't like it at all, found it kinda disrespectful, since he at least could have called me for 5 minutes, or wait for my answer. Then, exactly a week ago, I had to leave for a business trip and visit my family afterwards, so we knew we would be apart for 2.5 weeks. I felt like he wasn't sad about it at all, he didn't even seem to mind at all. When I asked him if he will miss me he said of course, but that he doesn't feel the need to be that emotional, that he's just not like that. I left, and we whatsapped the first three days. I whatsapped him once I love you, he didn't say it back. He also didn't say it on the other days. I asked him then if he wants to skype the next day, he said sure. When we were about to skype, he suddenly wasn't online and didn't reply to any of my messages and calls. Hours later, when I was already asleep (it was like 2am where I was and 7pm where he was), he just texted that his phone died and that he went of play football, not even a sorry or a 'Let's skype tomorrow' or 'I love you'. Nothing. I waited another day to see if he would suggest it, but nothing. I then told him that I feel hurt because I feel that he doesn't miss me and doesn't even want to skype me (we always skyped when we were apart in the past, and he suggested it too), and he got pretty mad, just saying that he was busy and thought I was busy too and that I'm overly dramatic etc. I told him that I don't want to fight on WhatsApp, and that he should call me if he wants to talk. He said 'Okay.'. I then didn't hear from him for over three days. I talked to his mom (she actually texted me to ask something, so I used the opportunity to ask her about her son) and she told me he went to an island for two days to go surfing. He didn't tell me any of this. So today I decided to text him, asking if he wants to talk to me again. He said he thought I don't wanna talk to him til I'm back in two weeks. I said that I never said that. He then said that he used the weekend to think about everything and that he thinks we are at really different moments now and that's why we have so many problems. I couldn't believe what he said, after all I didn't think we have many problems, except of him getting pissed every time I try to tell him that I didn't like something he did or so. I suddenly realised it all then- This cannot be love. If this was real love, he wouldn't have hurt me so many times, and he wouldn't throw the relationship away, and he wouldn't treat me like this. I realised that I deserve better and that I will never be happy if I stay with him. He didn't even call me to say these things. I then said that he hasn't changed even a bit and that we should figure out how to get rid of the house we bought. He hasn't answered yet. It's over. I can't believe how flaky he was and is. Less than a week ago, he paid a part of the mortgage for the house we bought, two weeks ago he told me how I am the love of his life. Three and a half months ago, he wanted to marry me. I feel terrible and relieved at the same time. Terrible, because I'm scared of what's coming. I lost him so many times and it hurt like hell so many times. I don't know how life will be without him, now that I'm sure there is no way back (and I don't want a way back). I know I will leave his country, but first I need to go back to pack and sell the house and do all those things. It hurts so much, because somehow I always believed he really loves me and wouldn't hurt me again. I wish I could just fast forward time and feel better, and already have a new life. On the other side I'm relieved because it's over. The heartache I had was unbearable sometimes and I cried a lot because of it. Still, I think it's the hardest thing I have ever done, also knowing that he wasted three years of my life. I know many of you will think it's my own fault because I let him into my life again and again and you are absolutely right, it is also my fault, but I cannot change the past and I did what I think was right, even though it wasn't. I was blind of love you could say. Thank you so much for reading, I just needed to get this out I think. Some answers would be great too, if you want.
LadyDeadpool Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I know what life will be like after him: better. You broke up like 11 times throughout that story! Whilst you may think you love him, he certainly doesn't really love you. Leave him and DO NOT LET HIM CONVINCE YOU TO COME BACK AGAIN. He clearly has issues he has to deal with, but you should be nowhere near him when he does. I don't care if he suddenly becomes a priest and asks you to become the pastors wife, you do not speak to him ever again. Finalise what you need to then delete his contact info and block him on all social media. You don't want any reminder of him cropping up again. You deserve to be loved. Not toyed with. He has no respect for you, is cheating, and thinks you're so naive that he doesn't even have to try and seem interested in a relationship. I wouldn't normally suggest this, but don't even give him a reason for leaving him. I'm serious. He doesn't deserve one if he can't deduct it for himself. If he asks for one just say "because you're an ass."
tylerj Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I read your entire post and whilst not the worst story I have heard, I can't help but feel worse having read it. I'm sorry you've endured all of that. I'm glad you've come here, whether it's just to tell your story or to take advice. And if you do want advice, or re-assurance, it's all here. You've done the right thing. The relationship - and the 11 breakups summarised by the above poster, is toxic. What would you tell a friend if they came to you with a story that involved 11 breakups? I'm guessing you have a mortgage/possessions/life to sort out, and it will be tough. But you deserve to be so much happier than you've been, that's for sure.
Meli22 Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Oh my goodness! I thought I was patient but you my dear, have the patience of a saint! This guy is manipulative, he has toyed with your emotions beyond belief, and he is the biggest flake ever. You absolutely did the right thing and its good that you recognise this. I have no doubt that this idiot will try and worm his way back into your life again but PLEASE don't allow it. You are bound to feel scared - you have been on an emotional rollercoaster with a commitment phobe for the last year and a half. The future is always scary after a BU but especially when our feelings and emotions have been messed around. You're going to be fine, just get the mortgage sorted out asap and carry on with your life without this man. You will find someone who is on the same page as you one day I promise
Author greensapphire Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 Thank you guys a lot! I know it's right to break up, and this time I won't change my mind. I have finally realized how toxic he is, and how he almost destroyed my life. I still have so many questions, but I don't want to talk more to him, it won't lead to anything. He actually called me today and again he said that he thinks he didn't do anything wrong. I finally realized that he has a lot of problems, and that he will never change. I think he doesn't even know what love is. I feel weird right now. I feel so relieved on one side, really... I didn't expect to feel like this. I expected to break down and cry a lot, as I did every time he broke up with me. Now I feel relieved somehow, I'm even looking forward to my life after him. But at the same time, it obviously hurts like hell. I will stay strong though. Now I'm 27 and I sometimes I feel too old to ever find someone and have a family
Meli22 Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 27 is still young, you're still a spring chicken! You could meet someone next month, in the next year, you just don't know. Don't stress over feeling too old. And yeah I don't think he knows what love is. Sounds like he has some commitment issue or emotional issue of some sort. You don't need that unstable way of life.
Author greensapphire Posted May 26, 2015 Author Posted May 26, 2015 27 is still young, you're still a spring chicken! You could meet someone next month, in the next year, you just don't know. Don't stress over feeling too old. And yeah I don't think he knows what love is. Sounds like he has some commitment issue or emotional issue of some sort. You don't need that unstable way of life. True, that's probably why I feel relieved somehow, even though I wonder if I will ever have such a great connection with anyone again (he had many bad sides, but hell, we connected like I've never connected with anyone). I mean, after all he broke up with his girlfriend of 1.5 years just days after meeting me. Who knows, maybe he would have done the same thing to me in a few years or so. I hope I'll meet someone. Sometimes I'm scared I'll end up alone. My mom has a few female friends who have never been married, or who are divorced with no kids (and they're all over 50). Sometimes this really scares me. But I'm trying to stay positive.
LadyDeadpool Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Don't worry about ending up alone. You often find that the things you need in life turn up when you least expect it. So just live your life for now. Live your life for YOU. Live like everyday is a celebration of what YOU stand for, what YOU love. The love of your life will stumble into your party one day.
LostHorizons42 Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 That's a lot of breakups and him seeing another girl in between (at least one that you know about; his disappearing and not Skyping and not telling you about going surfing--it's all suspicious.). He sounds like he toyed with you. At 27, you have plenty of time to find someone else. Forget about it quickly. You will find another great connection.
travelbug1996 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Hopefully you have learned that when someone breaks up with you more than once that's a huge red flag. 1
kturner16 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 If you don't learn anything else from these 3 years, remember this: instability is not love. Distinction is not love. HE DID NOT LOVE YOU. You deserve so much better. Please don't go back to him. Please.
SycamoreCircle Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 OP, I'm sorry for your pain but there are lessons in this experience that need to transform you. Your first mistake was moving to be with someone you did not know. It takes time to get to know someone and unfortunately there's a lot of people out there who have a looser moral code than we'd prefer. There's a lot of immaturity and confusion of identity out there. Give yourself to love but proceed cautiously. Define boundaries for yourself. What makes you feel good in a relationship? Write those things down. What makes you feel bad? Look at the list you've created, ponder it. Does your list satisfy you? Can you tolerate such-and-such? Is it a dealbreaker? Finally, commit to these things. Make them a part of your living and breathing. In the future, when prospective men cross boundaries, see it for what it is and end things. Never look back. You'll feel better about yourself and be able to navigate interpersonal relationships with greater well-being and satisfaction.
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