Depressed partner - how do I cope with the emotional abuse??

[TunaCat]

Verbal abuse is NOT a sign of depression. I know depression can look different with every person, but verbal abuse is not part of it.

 

I know it's hard OP, but you need to walk away from this relationship.

[Els]

I can understand staying with someone with depression who manifests all the usual symptoms - just wanting to stay at home, not talking much, lowered sex drive, etc - assuming the person is trying to solve the problem the best they can.

 

But what your partner is doing to you is plain abusive, and depression isn't an excuse for that. Either he is using depression as an excuse to abuse you, or else he is literally off-the-rocks-crazy and is likely to cause you harm if you stay. Either way it doesn't look good, so please, for your own sake, leave.

[Emilia]

My vote is borderline personality disorder too. He has a very long path ahead of him, OP. You need to walk away otherwise it will destroy you.

[Downtown]

I have researched depression, read about it and tried to be patient and understand.

Kitty, I agree with IRD, Expat, Satu, Emelia, Auspecial, Jose, Tuna, and Primavera that the behaviors you describe go well beyond those typically associated with depression alone.

 

He really started to get angry, unreasonable and saying irrational things.... he is nasty and just breaks me to pieces. He thinks I'm cheating (I'm not at all).... I dont feel I know him anymore.

I agree with Expat, Jose, and Emilia that many of the behaviors you describe are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, his always blaming you and thinking of himself as "The Victim" -- together with the verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, impulsiveness, lack of empathy, and his rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are warning signs for BPD. Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of folks having strong traits of BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting he has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

This isn't normal behaviour is it????!

All respondents agree that you are not describing normal behavior. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attacks, learning those for BPD may help you know when professional help is needed and how to avoid taking your BF back and also avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Kitty.

[SLee]

I'm late to the thread maybe, but here's my input:

 

I suffer from very severe depression and have known it since I was a young a teenager (I'm in my early 20s now).

 

Last winter, about 2.5 years into my LTR, some really unfortunate things in my life happened (family issues, school, and losing my job) and I completely imploded and spiraled into a suicidal he**hole that took me an entire year to crawl my way out of. I pushed EVERYONE away; friends, family, and my boyfriend and hurt EVERYONE around me.

 

It took me a year to get out of the whole completely, summer was the worst of it and I was at my lowest low. What I learned was that I was incredibly immature thinking I could handle it on my own without getting the help I needed.

 

Being mentally ill is NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER an excuse to hurt other people on any level. That's my point here. I hurt a LOT of people because of my depression and although I've been forgiven by everyone and have gotten a LOT better, I still cringe thinking about what I did to the people I loved.

 

Is being mentally ill someone's fault? NO.

Should they be shunned or looked down upon for it? NO.

Do they still deserve respect, compassion, love, companionship, etc? YES.

Is it okay to falter and make mistakes even if you do get help and get better? YES.

Can they do whatever they want to people and abuse them? NO NO NO NO NO.

 

From how you write, I can tell that you're a very strong and loving person. You're compassion and dedication speaks to your character, truly. But you cannot save him. HE needs save himself. That is the hardest thing I had to learn. I relied so much on my boyfriend and it wore him down so much and hurt him when I pushed him away. He, like you, is a very understanding and loving person, and was 100% there for me, which is great, but there IS a line.

 

Also, I know everyone experiences mental illness differently, but without knowing you and him personally, his outbursts seem kind of out of place for depression. I can only speak to my experience, so my depression made me never want to get out of bed, go outside, I became really indifferent to everything, and all I wanted to do was lay on the floor or die. I never lashed out in anger or did things like that. Most of the people I know who suffer from depression don't either.

 

It's possible he's depressed along with something else. But I could be completely wrong. He needs to address his anger issues NOW. These things only get worse over time, and there's really nothing you can do about it. HE needs to take this action.

 

It's really hard, but you need time away from him. He needs to learn this, and possibly learn it the hard way.

[Redhead14]

Hi all,

 

Don't normally post on forums, but getting desperate and nowhere to turn to or anyone I can talk to about this.

 

My partner and I have been together for about 6 months, I know it's not long but things started off so well, had a fantastic connection and made each other laugh. We don't live together, but been discussions moving forward.

 

The last couple of weeks have been hard, he's going through some tough times in his life and really started to get angry, unreasonable and saying irrational things. At times I have argued back but about a week ago he has discovered he's depressed. He has started to see a therapist so is getting some help.

 

I'm struggling to cope with his emotional outbursts, he is nasty and just breaks me to pieces. He critises me, how I look, says I am nothing special, I have ruined his life, says I'm a nasty selfish person, thinks I'm cheating (I'm not at all) if I don't use the right words or I take a second and pause before I answer he gets angry. (I pause as I'm trying to think what words to reply with or how I wont upset him) . A weekend we planned to go away, I asked if it was still going ahead casually (I do like to know what's going on so I can plan rest of week) and he said "no why are you putting pressure on me??". I was a bit shocked but left it at that and thought he will come back to me if it's something he wanted to do. Weekend came and he questioned me why hadn't suggested going away, he said its my fault I ruined his weekend as I should of brought it up. I feel I can't win.

 

I have researched depression, read about it and tried to be patient and understand. I have offered support although I know only he can help himself with professional help I have alway given advice when asked.

 

He started again at me today, calling me names, accusing me of sleeping with everyone (I'm not at all!!!) , saying all I am selfish, making nasty remarks. I stayed calm again but I am starting to resent him. I dread talking to him as I worry how he's going to put me down. I'm feeling really hurt and frustrated I can't do anything. He blames me for his anger.

 

After he's had a drink it gets worst, I have been scared. He shouts in my face, calls me many abusive names and I feel backed into a corner. I get upset he tells me to stop being a baby. It distresses me, maybe I am weak I don't know anymore.

 

I dont feel I know him anymore. Today I broke down on the phone to him, he told me I have nothing to be upset about and I should try living his life. I understand he has a lot deal with and I'm trying to help, it's not a competition about problems.

 

I don't know what I can do anymore. He is always ending it and an hour later he said he doesn't mean it and I shoukd know that. How can I read his mind?? Of course I get shouted at for being too sensitive and I should let it go.

 

Sorry about the massive post, I need to get it off my chest. I want to support him through this, but it's bringing me down at the same time as I don't know how much more horrible words and nasty comments I can handle.

 

"My partner and I have been together for about 6 months"

"I dont feel I know him anymore" -- You are just now really getting to know him. This doesn't happen overnight. He's been on his "best behavior' for as long as he can maintain it. Emotional abuse doesn't go hand in hand with depression. Do you know anything about his dating history? How has he treated other women? What kind of relationship does he have with his family?

 

The best way to "support" him is to back off for a bit and see if the therapy is working for him. Hit the reset button. Don't reach out to him first. Let him contact you. Don't mention the relationship. Keep it light. If he becomes abusive, you tell him you won't tolerate that and end the communication.

 

When he starts contacting you consistently and with civility, you could suggest getting out with him in public settings and basically start dating again if the damage isn't already too significant.

[Gary S]

It's no fun when you have to walk on eggshells all the time. Mental illnesses can be a dealbreaker.

[RoseVille]

You know how when you're on a plane and they're giving you the "just in case we crash" instructions, they tell you to put your own air mask on before helping those who need assistance?

 

Same goes with mental health. You have to put yours first.

 

And I don't think his behavior is the result of depression. That's smoke and mirrors for some other condition/issue, and it's not one you should tolerate.

[Kittybonbon]

Thank you to everyone who has input in this thread, you don't understand how much it has helped me reading through your replies and your advice. I thought I was the unreasonable one sometimes or how I feel lead to believe...

 

It's made me feel a bit more normal and not question myself.

 

In regards to his relationship with family, doesn't seem overly close. I know his dad had a anger issue, so I would say he's grown up with it as normal behaviour and not making excuses but knows no better.

 

I had a look over briefly with the bpd, the delusions are almost spot on. He seems to get an idea in his head (I don't want him, I don't care, don't love him, I'm texting others and he can't trust me (I'm not at all). I have to tell him if I get a social message, even if it's a guy who is a friend and just asking how I am. Nothing else to it. I'm scared to reply as apparently it's a come on. I did get one which was an old collegue (no history) but asked me for a drink, I had declined but was polite and that was it. I had 5 hours of shouting at me, accusing of going to meet up with him (never mentioned this or any plan to) but his delusions about what he thinks happens is completely wrong. I would never do anything behind anyone's back as when I'm with someone , I'm with them 100%.

 

He's having suicidal thoughts, which is not good. He had another therapy session and seemed a lot calmer.

 

He had ended it with me on Monday night, so I left the messages but I got more messages asking why I can't be bothered to talk. He then phoned me (stupid me for answering) and I got more abuse. Deliberately bringing up anything he thinks he could get me to argue back on, I was calm and just told him to stop being so nasty as not fair. He then told me I didn't care etc, I just let him get on with it, told him we need to go to sleep and that was it. He was then full of apologies the next day and saying he realises he needs to change etc. starting not to fall for this as tonight he told me I irritate him by just listening to my voice, I'm not fun anymore (I wonder why!!!), I'm nasty to him (I have snapped a couple of times after it being relentless and I feel on edge). I have been trying to be calm, but even then I get accused of arguing and he says the relationship isn't working. I ask why he thinks that and says it's me and I'm not nice to him..... Oh god help me if I bring up anything he's ever done.....

 

He seems to have this tunnel vision, once he has an idea in his head that something has happened or I am being nasty, talking with a certain tone, whining (god I hate that word!).. He just can't see how he is behaving..... It's all on me, and I'm making his depression worst.

 

Classic example tonight. He hangs up on me after saying I'm texting other men (I am most defiantly not) and then texts me saying "don't call, just text" so I didn't (I went in shower) he had then called me 4 times., and also a message saying "ignoring me now" I explained I was in shower then I got a "big mistake, playing childish games" text. I can't even have a shower without being accused of being nasty!

 

 

I'm so frustrated with it, I'm fed up with being able to do nothing right, I do love him but I feel I'm starting to get to know this horrible, controlling man that I do not want to spent my time with. I know deep down I need to leave. I can't tolerate it mentally anymore, I need to work out how I'm going to move forward. Stupid thing is, you always hope for change, and I would be telling my best friend if this was her to just get away. How much harder it is being in the situation than looking upon it.....

[Adele0908]

OP, it is not your job to cope with emotional abuse.

 

The amount of abuse you tolerate from another person is equal to the amount that you abuse yourself.

 

You have a habit of doubting and second-guessing your own feelings (gathered from your post). When you do this, you invite other people to mistreat and gaslight you.

 

Was your family invalidating or emotionally abusive towards you growing up? Did you have any traumatic experiences prior to meeting this man?

 

These are THE BEST questions to ask, because you have to be a vibrational match to something to attract it. (Which is why you see crack addicts together, or wealthy people together)

 

You need to ask yourself why you attracted an abusive man. Sometimes situations like this are the best thing to wake us up. You seem like a smart woman so I'm sure you will figure it out.

 

Also, please don't put up with his crap. This man has nothing to offer you but headache and heartache. Don't wait till your he's beat you within an inch of your life. He's dangerous. Look up Narcississtic Personality Disorder.

[joseb]

Kitty, what is your current plan?

If you accept this abuse, it will get worse as time goes on.

[La.Primavera]

You don't need to justify anything you do or say. Nobody thinks you are in the wrong here.

 

My greatest concern is that you are going to leave it too long to get out. The more time you spend with him, the tighter the noose will get. He will dominate you and tear your confidence and self esteem down until you have nothing left. You can already feel that happening right?

 

Nothing good can come from staying with him.

[joseb]

You don't need to justify anything you do or say. Nobody thinks you are in the wrong here.

 

My greatest concern is that you are going to leave it too long to get out. The more time you spend with him, the tighter the noose will get. He will dominate you and tear your confidence and self esteem down until you have nothing left. You can already feel that happening right?

 

Nothing good can come from staying with him.

 

This is so true. Toxic relationships like this cause real damage. You don't really see it until you are out. The longer you wait, the worse it gets, and the weaker your resolve will be to get out.

And he is not going to change.

Edited May 28, 2015 by joseb

[guest569]

That isn't depression talking.. he must have other issues or is just a downright prick. No more excuses. Sorry, but what he has said to you is horrid and unforgivable. My short answer on how do you cope with being abused? You don't! You get out!! You don't have to put up with that sort of treatment. If it is this bad after 6 months, i don't see things going too well in the long term.

[Kittybonbon]

Thanks for your comments, I didn't expect to get any answers but this has helped me verify what was already running through my head.

 

Growing up had no abusive family members or went through any of this. My past partners have been total opposite, really laid back, thoughtful and caring.

 

Last few days been better. I suspect this because I have told him how I feel, sometimes he listens, sometimes not. I've backed off and being cautious. He's going through therapy, few sessions a week, he needs a lot of work!!!

 

I am just going with it for the moment. I will not tolerate his behaviour if this continues. I will also be cautious of him being really nice if he feels he's loosing me as it may be fake....

[La.Primavera]

Thanks for your comments, I didn't expect to get any answers but this has helped me verify what was already running through my head.

 

Growing up had no abusive family members or went through any of this. My past partners have been total opposite, really laid back, thoughtful and caring.

 

Last few days been better. I suspect this because I have told him how I feel, sometimes he listens, sometimes not. I've backed off and being cautious. He's going through therapy, few sessions a week, he needs a lot of work!!!

 

I am just going with it for the moment. I will not tolerate his behaviour if this continues. I will also be cautious of him being really nice if he feels he's loosing me as it may be fake....

 

I'm glad that you are at least aware that this behaviour is wrong. Obviously it has to be your decision whether you stay with him or not but just bear in mind that even if he does "improve" for a while he will return to old patterns because that is in his nature. The fact you have stayed with him despite his actions will send him the message that he can get away with it. The longer you are with him the more hold he will have over you, which is why I think you should confide in someone you trust, be it family member or friend.

 

Trust and respect are such important aspects of a relationship. Sadly, you will never be able to fully trust him again. The doubt will linger, as it should.

 

It would be so much easier to be with someone who respects you and that you know you can trust.

[Vercetti]

That's not depression. That's the excuse to gain sympathy for all the other crap. I get depressed, and don't have the energy to be a borderline screwball. People have all kinds of emotions and outbursts. His seem extremely systematic with one goal...to break you. Seems he might get solace from your misery.