The relationship autopsy!

[OIrish]

I met someone online and we dated for several months. I broke up with him on Saturday and I'm horribly sad. Trying to make sense of this.

 

 

I'll run through it as quick as I can and would love the opinions or feedback of what I missed along the way.

 

 

Okay, met online and had a ton in common. Emailed for about a week before we even exchanged pictures, which was odd. He wrote these wonderful, long emails. Then we exchanged pics, started texting a week later where we would text back and forth easily 80+ times a day, met a week later. I had to initiate exchanging pictures and phone numbers. He asked about meeting.

 

 

We met, everything was great. Went out again and again, went away for the week-end, dated for a few months. My complaint all along would have been that he doesn't talk on the phone, always texting. Then about a month+ ago we went out, as usual, spent the night together and that was the last time I saw him.

 

 

A week later, he said he wanted to see me but was really busy so I was understanding and said it's okay. We both work FT, are in school, etc.

 

 

Then 2 weeks, then 3 weeks.

 

 

At 3 weeks I asked him if I had missed something and maybe we should step back and be friends. He said no, said please don't do that, it's just been a bad few weeks, we'll see each other. Okay, I was really upset but he was still texting as much as always and we were still talking on the phone. I cut back initiating really any texting, thinking he might want a way out and I was going to see if it died off. He stepped up the texting.

 

 

Week 4, he didn't call all week but still was texting as usual and was talking about wanting to see me, how we would figure it out, how he missed me, so on. I told him I'd like to see him, that it's been a month. Still no plans.

 

 

Start of week 5, I hadn't talked to him in 9 days or seen him in more than a month so I sent him an email saying we needed to step back. I explained I was sorry to do this by email, but we don't talk and I haven't seen him so it was the only choice but I couldn't keep up that kind of texting and emotional involvement if that is all there was going to be. I need to talk to and see the person I am in a relationship with. I said I do like him, but this just isn't working for me and if something changes, he can call me and we can re-evaluate or perhaps one day in the future be friends.

 

 

He said he was shocked (HOW?) an that he was totally upset. He said he doesn't understand at all.

 

 

I haven't talked to him at all since Saturday morning. I've gone no contact which is killing me. I know I broke up with him, but I miss him so much. For me, I can't have a text only relationship and one that revolves around only when he chooses to make time.

 

 

What happened here? I guess I can't figure why he continued to text me all day every day (how is your day beautiful, how are you sweetie, good morning hun, I'm thinking about you, what are you doin, good night sweetheart) but we quit actually seeing each other.

 

 

Thanks for reading my rambling...any insight is appreciated!

Edited May 25, 2015 by OIrish

[Ruby65]

He was dating someone else. Or an ex reappeared.

 

He didn't want to have to answer any questions over the phone about his disappearing act so he could keep you as a Plan B.... hence: text only communications.

 

It happens a lot with online dating, people juggle several people at once and sometimes the timing is funky and there's an overlap. Then you become serious about one person and have to drop the rest (or try to keep them in a holding pattern).

 

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It stinks.

[SoleMate]

I'm very sorry for your pain. It appears that despite all his words indicating he wanted a close 1:1 relationship, the same as you, the reality of his actions makes it clear he wanted something a little more distant and episodic. Good chance he is married or attached elsewhere.

 

Next time, I'd move much more slowly, and make sure to meet his friends and family, and see him in the overall con text of his real life, early on. Also make sure that the ACTIONS are where they need to be and disregard the sweet-sounding WORDS. You may have made it too easy for a married player to get inside your head. The continued texts cost him very little and keep you warmly simmering for the next time he'd like to....erm, "see" you. Very sorry.

[OIrish]

Unfortunately that's what I had started to think but the texting totally worked to keep me on board. I gave him 100% and its clear he wasn't.

 

Is he actually shocked? I mean, he said he is just stunned because we were just texting the day before and then I broke it off. That is true, we were texting the day before but he just pushed me too far when it was another weekend without any plans to see him.

 

Anyway, lessons learned and I definitely won't repeat these things again in the future.

 

I just have to get over how desperately sad I am right now.

[Ruby65]

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

[spiderowl]

It does sound like he was quite happy to keep up the text friendship and could have gone on and on like that, if you had tolerated it. I'm glad you didn't and drew a line. At the very least it will force him to think about what he really wants.

 

I do have another angle to offer here for consideration. I have a child with Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism). My child hates the telephone with a vengeance and will only text, email or meet in person (the latter more reluctantly). My child is very honest. If said child was busy, child would say so. A person who did not have Asperger's would say something more like 'I'm busy right now with xxxx, but how about meeting on xxxxx?' My child would just be blunt. It doesn't mean said child didn't like you or want to meet eventually but activites such as work/study would be put before a girlfriend. It's just the way my child is. I do try to teach how to interact and not be so blunt because it could be taken the wrong way but child can't see that.

 

Your case may be entirely different. If he is an Aspie though, try asking him if he'd like to meet and if so when. If he can't give you a definite response on that, he's not interested. An Aspie would make an appointment and stick to it. Routine and plans are important to Aspies.

 

By the way, on a lighter note - and understanding that it's not remotely funny for you - I do like your thread title. It's so descriptive of what we have all gone through at some point or another.

Edited May 26, 2015 by spiderowl

[OIrish]

It does sound like he was quite happy to keep up the text friendship and could have gone on and on like that, if you had tolerated it. I'm glad you didn't and drew a line. At the very least it will force him to think about what he really wants.

 

I do have another angle to offer here for consideration. I have a child with Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism). My child hates the telephone with a vengeance and will only text, email or meet in person (the latter more reluctantly). My child is very honest. If said child was busy, child would say so. A person who did not have Asperger's would say something more like 'I'm busy right now with xxxx, but how about meeting on xxxxx?' My child would just be blunt. It doesn't mean said child didn't like you or want to meet eventually but activites such as work/study would be put before a girlfriend. It's just the way my child is. I do try to teach how to interact and not be so blunt because it could be taken the wrong way but child can't see that.

 

Your case may be entirely different. If he is an Aspie though, try asking him if he'd like to meet and if so when. If he can't give you a definite response on that, he's not interested. An Aspie would make an appointment and stick to it. Routine and plans are important to Aspies.

 

By the way, on a lighter note - and understanding that it's not remotely funny for you - I do like your thread title. It's so descriptive of what we have all gone through at some point or another.

 

 

He was definitely happy to keep up the texting friendship. I will say the part that breaks my heart so much is how much we have in common and how much he was "there" when he was actually there. I was in a 2 year relationship and wasn't as sad at the end as I am now. He and I shared things with each other that I don't think either of us have shared before, we were both so comfortable. I know why I broke up with him, but I am just so sad I had to do it. I told him in my email to him how much I like and care for him, and told him if something changes for him where we do want the same things I would welcome talking to him. I left the door open, but sadly had to draw my lines of what is non-negotiable. For me, that is seeing and talking to someone and not having a text only relationship.

 

 

I have quite literally thought through EVERY SINGLE SCENARIO as to why he has done what he did (not seeing him) and looking at an Aspergers type thing was also one thing I considered. He is very detailed and organized/obsessive (diagnosed OCD/PTSD from multiple active duty runs in the military) and struggles with interactions with other people. He does well at work or in public, but struggles in terms of personal relationships or relationships where the rules are not laid out in advance. He can be amazingly kind with words, but can also be very harsh/honest. I can definitely see that his job and school work took a priority for him over me. In some ways, I can understand that. I was always supportive of him needing to do those things, but I was ending up going to bed sad and frustrated every night because I wasn't seeing or talking to him. Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you for your perspective.

 

 

The relationship autopsy, as I was sitting and obsessing and dissecting the relationship it occurred to me that this is what it is. You want to know everything that went wrong and the "cause of death" so to speak.

 

 

Thanks again!

[spiderowl]

I think you've done the right thing by drawing your line in the sand. I've been through something similar recently and if someone doesn't want to meet, it matters! Whatever their reasons or excuses, at the end of the day you pay attention to your gut feeling. If you are hurting, feeling bad, anxious, weary, it says it all. It tells you there is something amiss in this interaction.

 

As many posters will say on here, if he is interested, he will come back and he will arrange to meet you (if you are still willing). I would say if it takes him more than a week to do this, then he's not sure enough to warrant your taking the risk - but that's up to you of course.

 

I do know how painful this is and how upsetting it is to feel a real connection and for them not to reciprocate. That feeling is damned hard to shake off but it's clearly not true or they would be there for us.

[writergal]

OIrish: Breaking up with texter-boyfriend was the right decision. Honestly, it sounds to me like he lost interest in you after a month of dating you and instead of breaking up with you (which would have been the right thing to do), he strung you along with all the text messaging. He wanted a texter-friends-with-benefits.

 

So you did yourself a favor dumping this guy. Next time, don't initiate anything like meeting or exchanging photos. Don't do the guy's work for him. Let him initiate those things. Otherwise, if you start off initiating everything for the next guy, he won't invest as deeply as he might if he had to make the effort to woo you. I'm old school/old fashioned that way. Don't chase the guy. Let him chase you next time. And block this ex from your social media and from your phone. He wants to string you along virtually to boost his ego. Don't let him.

[OIrish]

Thank you all. I agree, I'm sorry to say at the very beginning (when I was the one asking for pictures and phone numbers) people told me I was making mistakes because I was doing the "leg work" for him and if he wasn't going to make ANY of the moves it would never go anywhere because I would get tired of it. I of course didn't listen and we see where it got me?

 

I am still sad but I believe I did the right thing. He did TEXT me yesterday (I told him if he felt we were at the same place, he could CALL me and we could see where things are) and as much as I hated to I ignored it. Made me feel like a horses rear but I told him before I can't continue a texting relationship.

 

Thanks for your advice, every time I want to call or text him I come read this forum!

 

Writergal- I felt the same way when I saw he was pulling away and that is why I asked him twice if things had changed and maybe we should step back to being friends, I even asked him if he just wanted a pen pal and he said the whole "no no, don't do that, I want to see you. I'm not trying to push you away, I'm so sorry" Then when I quit initiating any texting, he stepped up the texting to initiate all the time, day, night. I don't get it. I truly would love to understand what happened but no matter what I knew I couldn't handle it any more.

Edited May 28, 2015 by OIrish