agnes101 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Hi there, I’ve been with my fiancé for over 2 years now, and got engaged about a month ago. Anyways, I’ve become extremely emotionally weak, sensitive and anxious over-time as a result of our relationship. We’ve had tons of fights that end up really, really bad. Throughout our relationship, I’ve only yelled/cussed him out twice – both were breaking points for me (once because he went out with his ex for dinner without telling me – and admitted to this a year later of doing this, and the second time was because I couldn’t handle him yelling at me anymore) I tend to usually go completely silent as opposed to arguing/yelling when we’re fighting – and according to him that sets him off. He wants me to communicate, but clearly both of us ‘communicating’ during a fight ONLY makes things more worse, so I tend to just go super quiet while he bickers. When our fights first started he would often say extremely rude things to me – but I would be able to take it. But I can’t tolerate hearing stupid comments anymore – he doesn’t swear at me or anything, but tends to make extremely sarcastic and rude remarks. Over the course of our fights he’s told me things like: I’m the worst person he’s ever met, I am incapable of maintaining relationships, I have mental issues and why I didn’t tell him about them before he fell in love with me (wtf?), and I absolutely HATE when he talks to me by saying “okay, listen to me you WOMAN.” I’ve noticed whenever he’s angry with his mom, he starts referring to her as ‘that woman’ and he does the same to me now – which might not seem as bad as a swear word, but I hate it – and he knows it. Anyways, back to the point. Every time he starts being rude, I literally have a panic attack. Start crying uncontrollably and cannot get a hold of my emotions whatsoever anymore – and I was never this sensitive to his rude comments before. My question is, am I simply overreacting to him being rude? How do I go about solving my behavior because I should be able to handle someone being rude to me, right?
ExpatInItaly Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Hi there, I’ve been with my fiancé for over 2 years now, and got engaged about a month ago. Anyways, I’ve become extremely emotionally weak, sensitive and anxious over-time as a result of our relationship. We’ve had tons of fights that end up really, really bad. Throughout our relationship, I’ve only yelled/cussed him out twice – both were breaking points for me (once because he went out with his ex for dinner without telling me – and admitted to this a year later of doing this, and the second time was because I couldn’t handle him yelling at me anymore) I tend to usually go completely silent as opposed to arguing/yelling when we’re fighting – and according to him that sets him off. He wants me to communicate, but clearly both of us ‘communicating’ during a fight ONLY makes things more worse, so I tend to just go super quiet while he bickers. When our fights first started he would often say extremely rude things to me – but I would be able to take it. But I can’t tolerate hearing stupid comments anymore – he doesn’t swear at me or anything, but tends to make extremely sarcastic and rude remarks. Over the course of our fights he’s told me things like: I’m the worst person he’s ever met, I am incapable of maintaining relationships, I have mental issues and why I didn’t tell him about them before he fell in love with me (wtf?), and I absolutely HATE when he talks to me by saying “okay, listen to me you WOMAN.” I’ve noticed whenever he’s angry with his mom, he starts referring to her as ‘that woman’ and he does the same to me now – which might not seem as bad as a swear word, but I hate it – and he knows it. Anyways, back to the point. Every time he starts being rude, I literally have a panic attack. Start crying uncontrollably and cannot get a hold of my emotions whatsoever anymore – and I was never this sensitive to his rude comments before. My question is, am I simply overreacting to him being rude? How do I go about solving my behavior because I should be able to handle someone being rude to me, right? You get rid of the source of the problem, that's how! In this case, that is your disrespectful, sexist and demeaning fiance. And who in the world gave the idea that you should tolerate that level of rudeness, let alone from someone who's supposed to cherish and protect you? He's a jerk. And his reaction to you being upset about him secretly meeting an ex tells me there's probably more that you don't know about. He's projecting. Don't marry this man. He's already verbally and emotionally abusive. It will get worse. 3
kendahke Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) Every time he starts being rude, I literally have a panic attack. Start crying uncontrollably and cannot get a hold of my emotions whatsoever anymore – and I was never this sensitive to his rude comments before. My question is, am I simply overreacting to him being rude? How do I go about solving my behavior because I should be able to handle someone being rude to me, right? You might want to give this article a read: https://yogainternational.com/article/view/4-ways-to-stand-up-for-yourself (In the comments section, there are some book titles with deal with non-confrontational communication). I don't think you are over-reacting to his being rude. I do think that now that you two are headed down the road to legally binding your lives together, the horror of having to put up with it until the day you die, on a subconscious level, is starting to manifest--it's your self-preservation mechanism going into overdrive, telling you this guy isn't the guy you should be marrying. No, you should not have to tolerate someone who cannot communicate effectively and their only method of relaying their point is to become rude and condescending with you. Might as well be living with your father if he's going to act like one to you. Edited May 25, 2015 by kendahke
La.Primavera Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 The way he is talking to you isn't normal. It is so bad it is triggering panic attacks. That is not ok. You have a right to be concerned and upset about this, not because you have done anything wrong but because the man who you intend to marry is behaving like a bully. Is that the sort of man you want to be father of your future children? You might need to talk to a professional to help you work through this. It sounds like this is taking a toll on your self esteem which will only make it harder to break away if things get worse. You deserve respect and kindness from the man you choose to marry.
TunaCat Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Why are you engaged to this man? The man you plan to marry should never be rude to you. He should never yell at you. You deserve so much better. He is an abusive, disrespectful pig and you need to leave him right now because things will not get better. If you marry him, you are saying that the way he treats you is okay. It's NOT!
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