Eliza Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 I am a 31 year old female who has been dating a 42 year old man for three weeks. He was married for 11 years; has been separated for three years and is currently going through the official divorce. We are having a great time hanging out and it all seems to be going well. I came out of a pretty ordinary relationship about 4 months ago, so I am happy just to take things slow. However, I have a question in my head that will ultimately determine for me, if this relationship with continue. Do you ever want children? I know it seems extremely full-on, but I would rather know now, than be dating someone who is not on the same path as me at the end of the day. I very much want children. He and his first wife didn't have children and I am interested to know why. So, do I keep dating and waiting for the subject to come up (I'll be disappointed if he says 'no') or bring it up somehow? Neither of us are getting any younger and I need to be with someone who wants similar things. When I've dated guys in the past, even casually, it usually comes up as part of just getting to know their dreams and ambitions, nothing heavy, just talk. Thanks!
Pocky Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 Originally posted by Eliza When I've dated guys in the past, even casually, it usually comes up as part of just getting to know their dreams and ambitions, nothing heavy, just talk. Should this time be any different? Why don't you plan a romantic evening and then ask the questions: What do you want from life? What would you like to be doing five years from now? What have you always wanted to experience, but haven't, yet? Would you ever marry again? Do you think you'd ever want children?
Cecelius Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 I'd let it come up as Pocky says: where do you see yourself in the future, that kind of thing. If you specifically ask him about this 3 weeks into it, he'll think you're shopping for husbands, not him.
lost_in_chgo Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 Next time he talks about the ex, ask him why they never had kids and see where it goes from there. Nothing wrong with asking. How's the age difference thing working for you?
westernxer Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 You may have a problem if you want kids and he doesn't. Just a warning, that's all.
alphamale Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 if a woman asked me flat out after 3 wks of dating if i wanted kids or not i'd run for the hills. you don't even kno if you two are compatible or not yet.
yuv Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 westernxer has a major point. How might you feel if he replied "it's not love that determines if this relationship keeps going, it's children? Having children is more important than being in a loving relationship? Please, say something to keep me from walking." That would hurt, right? I'm there all the time. In my mind I ask myself if my wife didn't act like someone she wasn't in order to get me to the altar. Needless to say, she changed after marriage and we're in counseling. But one thing never changes: she always talks about having children... even though I told her that I didn't want them the first month we were dating. She is in her late 30's, very attractive, but busy. The circumstances feel like she got the Ovarian Panick, figured that she could deal with me, and did whatever she could in order to start a family as soon as possible. The month after we married, she even showed me a stack of papers about a new career that she had picked for me, and told me about her plan to have me go back to school, change careers, make a lot more money so she would no longer have to work, and gave me a timeframe for getting pregnant. Imagine the hurt feelings all around when she found out I wanted zero to do with her plan, that I "only" married her because I loved her. At your bf's age, in a marriage for that long without kids, unless his wife had fertility difficulties, I think it can be said that he probably did not prioritize children. Do you both a favor BEFORE you ask him, please. Buy "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE: And Other Lies About Marriage" and read the chapter called "Lie: children solidify a marriage." That will tell you what might be going through his mind when he tells you that he's not interested in kids, and will help you better understand what he means when he tells you that he liked you for YOU, and not for what he thought you might be able to give him.
lost_in_chgo Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 if a woman asked me flat out after 3 wks of dating if i wanted kids or not i'd run for the hills. you don't even kno if you two are compatible or not yet. But, the desire to have children would be a major compatibility point. Especially at their ages. How might you feel if he replied "it's not love that determines if this relationship keeps going, it's children? Having children is more important than being in a loving relationship? Please, say something to keep me from walking." Both of these would be extreme reactions that would give her the answer that she wanted. He does not want kids, or at least he isn't ready to say he does and super freaked out by the question. Either way, this guy is not a short track to family, so why get more involved with him and risk being hurt later? Nothing to lose. Ask the question. If he bails, you have your answer, if not, you know where you stand. At your bf's age, in a marriage for that long without kids, unless his wife had fertility difficulties, I think it can be said that he probably did not prioritize children. That's reading alot of your own experinece into her situation without any evidence. I'm about the same age and children are a high priority for me, but I won't just have kids with anyone and one thing after another and still no kids. She said she doesn't know why they didn't have kids. Maybe they were putting it off. He was 30 or so when he got married, she was likely younger. Maybe she wanted to wait for a bit. Then things went south. Maybe the guy didn't ask the ex up front is she wanted kids and got stuck in a marriage with a woman that is anti-child. Maybe he wants kids, but doesn't want to spook her this early into the relationship for fear she'll run if he says he wants to have 7 kids.
westernxer Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 Imagine when the biological clock starts ticking...
Author Eliza Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 Thanks guys. As a result of your comments, I tried to ask myself (in general terms): what's more important, meeting the love of your life or having children? But, I can't get past my feeling that you marry 'the love of your life' because you are in love with each other's dreams and passions as well as their heart and soul. If you're not heading in the same direction, I don't think that you can truly fall in love with each other because you're not totally excited about your lives together. Plus, for a woman or man to sacrifice not having kids, to me, could mean lots of regret deep down that could explode down the track. It's a pretty big life dream to give up. lost_in_chgo: the age difference is fine. He acts much younger than he is, with little responsibility. He's pretty carefree. Which makes me question his future direction...... Cecelius: I agree it's a full-on call this early. But I guess I am shopping for a potential husband in a way! While I'm just enjoying kicking back and dating for the moment , I don't want to spend the next few years with a guy who has completely different plans. Anyway, I'll be sure to let you know what happens!
yuv Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Plus, for a woman or man to sacrifice not having kids, to me, could mean lots of regret deep down that could explode down the track. It's a pretty big life dream to give up. Reading this makes me want to emphasize... Please, as I posted, I _implore_ you to take my advice and buy "All You Need is Love And Other Lies About Marriage" and read the chapter called "Lie: children solidify a marriage." Regret isn't the only thing that could explode. At least consider the very real possibilities that the book discusses. It's a short chapter and the book's in paperback.
Author Eliza Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Just a bit of an update if you're wondering.....my boyfriend and I had our first 'indepth' conversation a couple of days ago regarding what we are both looking for in a relationship and he gave me a little more insight into his former marriage. He said, amongst other problems, she was a bit of a distant person and they had intimacy problems. Therefore children never made it to the agenda, plus she didn't really want them. I said, "I'm pleased we had this conversation - it's good to know what each other expects in a relationship." Meaning he'll get lots of kisses and cuddles with me! He replied with, "I knew it would come up sooner or later - I wanted to talk about it too!" Kids actually never came up specifically, but it sounds like he wouldn't be against if IF the time ever came. Thanks again for advice. Beth
JanieQP Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Glad you feel better, Beth. Do keep your eyes open though ... even someone who wants kids isnt guaranteed to be a devoted father. Yuv, how would you feel if a woman said right off the bat that she =didn't= want kids? I generally lay that on the table straight out, and I've gotten plenty of "well, I do, so this isn't going anywhere" responses. Oh, and does anyone know of good CF sites? since Turtle's "Weightless Dog" site went down, I've felt a little lost ...
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