sadlyme Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 If you are going to read this brace yourself for a long post....SORRY.... 8 years ago I met a guy. I didn't think he was for me, but got to know him and developed feelings for him. We started dating and it turn into something permanent, , he told me he loved me, few months later i told him I did as well. After a few months together, looking at my options i realized he had qualities I wanted in a life long partner. We dated through college and graduate school, but always long distance. We spend days together, travel for weeks, summer vacations, etc. We had good time together. He always treated me as a man should, and i was happy but overtime I realize, he was lying about what he did for living. I couldn't piece it together but in my heart I knew he was not doing something right. i asked him several times about what he did, as he always had money, which i didn't mind but for his age and associate degree it seem odd. During our relationship he was arrested twice for parking tickets, and got jumped once for no reason. I found this odd, and my gut kept telling me something was off, just could not place my finger on it. So we kept going, and it seem life was perfect,which it was except for the inclination that he was involved in illegal activities but i had no proof. I broke up with several times as i felt he needed to go back to school and as I felt if we are to spend out live together it would be beneficial. He said he was making enough money, there was no need as the objective of a degree was to ensure you make money. He was right,making more money than I was but my inclination told me it was not going to be forever, and he needed a backup plan. . So we continue, and I started investigating and his finances and looking up his company, but couldn't find anything negative. so i give up.... We broke when he got jumped before a trip we were planning for new year. He was taking the police station and he had to give a statement. The funny thing is all of his arrests or interaction with the police there have been no charges against him. But my thing was why where you in that position in the first place. After 5 years we broke up and a year later we go back, base on the fact that he confessed he was working for guys who were involved in illegal activities. His company help them clean their money. He didn't know how they got their money and didn't care as long as he clean it and can got his cut. I realized than I Was right all along. We decided to give it another try if he stops and use his education for something better, rather than going for fast money. We decided on a time frame to get things sorted out. After which we will live together and get on a path of starting a family, getting a house, etc. I wanted to spend my life with him base on our agreement. Few months later I got pregnant we were happy and excited! As it was both our first and it seem things were moving as planned. Few months into the pregnancy , I did not hear from him for a week, only to later find out he got arrested. At that moment I made a decision to move on with my life without him. When he called me after he got out, I was told he got arrested due the fact one of his client's phone was wired. He had been given him advice on how to cheat on his taxes and transfer the money without leaving a trail. According to him the FBI was after the guy, he just happen to be an added bonus. The charges were dropped and he was filing a suit against the state as it was not against the law to give advice on such matters. I had already made up my mind and did not want to hear any of it. Of course he tried to mend things but I was so stuck on not wanting to around potential criminal especially now I had child. I know he was committing white collar crimes but for me it is still a crime. I really wanted us to be a family but deep down I felt things would not have change even though he said it would. Excluding his choice of employment,any women would be happy to be with him. It care and understands about everything that matters. He's they guy that will treat your family,and friends with just as much respect as you would. Family is everything to him, he's exceptional guy. Now: Trying to move on in a serious relationship with a good guy, who has never done anything illegal, clean cut hard working and successful as well. He's a father but his kids are with their mother, never married. Great guy, physically and mentally. He's good to my son as well. We are now living together and I am happy, we plan on getting marry next month. My father does not approve, they think it's too early. At times I question my myself too, everytime something goes wrong I find myself thinking of how my ex would have handled the situation and realize he understood me better. I seem to compare him to m ex more than I feel I should. I have custody, every time my ex and I interact I feel so guilty to the point my day is ruin. I know how much he wanted a family, even more than I do, I will say I had a kid because of him. I can see the hurt everytime he has to interact with me and my current partner and i don't know how to face my internal guilt. I don't know why I feel guilty? Sometimes I feel like I should have waited....how do I deal with the guilt of taking away our dream. My current partner know of my guilt but not to the extent to which it burdens me. Interestingly, I don't want to be with my ex, i just can't understand why I feel so burdened about leaving him, always comparing my partner to my ex......How do I deal with the guilt of leaving my ex, and comparing my current partner to my ex ?? FYI: Non of this has impacted my child at all. My Child is happy and both men love him endlessly...
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