How do my boyfriend and I stop fighting? Are we just incompatible?

[esstea]

I feel like we're in this intense power struggle phase where we just can't seem to stop our arguments. It was all smooth sailing in the beginning, as it always is. We care about each other deeply, and we both know this. But we can't see eye to eye on many things anymore. We fight about everything and what's worse is when we fight, we fail to see it the way the other person does almost 90% of the time.

 

Both of us always have to make a point to make sure the other person sees it the way we do, and if we don't, it just turns into this huge cluster****. And then he gets mad because I don't understand. Or I get frustrated because he doesn't understand. It's just a mess.

 

tl;dr: Do most couples go through a phase where there's just constant fighting? How do we stop this? How do you know if you're actually just incompatible with someone?

[neowulf]

tl;dr: Do most couples go through a phase where there's just constant fighting? How do we stop this? How do you know if you're actually just incompatible with someone?

 

Ok, couple of thoughts.

 

Firstly, you sound a lot a like in the way you argue.

Secondly, you can't control another persons behaviour, only your own.

 

So, it sounds like you're simply feeding into each others negative styles when attempting to communicate.

 

The need to be "right" or "win" and argument is a HUGE barrier to communication.

 

You're going to find things you simply don't see eye to eye on with everyone, no matter who you end up with. The key is how you go about respecting, communicating and negotiating with each other.

 

Forgetting your boyfriend for a second, the next time you start to have an argument with him, try and understand where he's coming from.

 

Ask questions. Get curious about *why* he thinks what he thinks about a certain topic.

 

If you get to the bottom of that and realise that you are just too different, then yes, you're probably not a good match for each other.

 

But work on your communication style first.

[El Pallasso]

What neowulf said.

 

You can't have two people fighting for "power" in a relationship. It simply won't work.

 

You also can't control another person's behavior or reactions. The only thing you can control is your own behavior.

 

Try seeing things from his own point of view.

[GemmaUK]

No, it's not normal to fight about everything as usually both parties will have empathy enough to see where the other is coming from.

 

Relationships are about communication, being a team and compromise, they're not about winning.

 

Personally I would be gone, I can't stand the drama of constant arguments.

One guy I dated who was in his mid 40's thought that huge arguments were a natural part of the honeymoon period. Needless to say, I didn't stick around.

[Gaeta]

Takes 2 to argue so if you stop participating in these arguments there won't be any.

 

I like the saying Do you want to be happy or you want to be right? Let him be right and go back to being happy. Like you said you are arguing about silly little things to who cares if you are right or he's right. Let him be right.

[KatZee]

Takes 2 to argue so if you stop participating in these arguments there won't be any.

 

I like the saying Do you want to be happy or you want to be right? Let him be right and go back to being happy. Like you said you are arguing about silly little things to who cares if you are right or he's right. Let him be right.

 

And then OP is going to have pent up resentment because all her boyfriend is doing is telling her she's wrong, and she just has to sit there and take it.

 

I personally wouldn't be able to date anyone who shot down all my opinions of things and who had to always "be right."

 

That's really not considerate at all.

 

Relationships should be two people who are able to empathize and see from each others point of view. Power struggles are no good.

 

OP if you and your boyfriend can't figure out how to communicate effectively, with BOTH of your opinions being valid, then I'd say this isn't going to work out.

[anna121]

Healthy couples do not go through a phase of constant fighting. For me, serious arguments are so rare that I find them quite upsetting.

 

I would not stay in a rel-ship that involved any kind of routine fighting.

[Satu]

If you can't get along with each other peaceably, or work together to find a way to get along peaceably, the relationship is worthless no matter how attached you are to each other.

 

Attachment isn't enough.

 

Love isn't enough.

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

[darkmoon]

understand what? what do either of you not understand?

[esstea]

Ridiculous sh*t really. But something I didn't initially mention was we're both going through some fair amount of life changes. For example, his current work visa is expiring and he might not even be able to stay in the country past September if his application for permanent residency doesn't get finalized. Which obviously puts an unprecedented amount of stress on the status of our relationship. Which in turn has tensed things up quite a bit, hence... we begin to fight over everything....

 

I admittedly, catch myself being more stubborn because of the fact that he might not even be here past September, which is maybe my subconscious self defence mechanism to push him away. At the same time, if we were extremely compatible, shouldn't we be able to handle these things more.. better I guess? I'm quite torn on what exactly to do. These *small* fights are taking quite the toll!

 

And thanks for everyones responses. I completely understand what I need to do on my part. How do I respectably communicate to my SO that he also needs to work on his argumentative style with me? And that just because he doesn't see things the way I do doesn't mean I'm wrong, or that he's wrong, but just that we need to meet on more common ground?

[Gaeta]

And then OP is going to have pent up resentment because all her boyfriend is doing is telling her she's wrong, and she just has to sit there and take it.

 

He is not going to tell her she is wrong if she does not argue with him.

 

Him: Toothpaste should go on right side of bathroom sink.

Her: ok hon, where ever you want it.

 

She said they are arguing about silly stuff. Then don't argue about silly stuff. Is it really important to be right about toothpaste, or a dirty glass on the kitchen sink, or what ever silly stuff they argue about.

[Satu]

Ridiculous sh*t really. But something I didn't initially mention was we're both going through some fair amount of life changes. For example, his current work visa is expiring and he might not even be able to stay in the country past September if his application for permanent residency doesn't get finalized. Which obviously puts an unprecedented amount of stress on the status of our relationship. Which in turn has tensed things up quite a bit, hence... we begin to fight over everything....

 

I admittedly, catch myself being more stubborn because of the fact that he might not even be here past September, which is maybe my subconscious self defence mechanism to push him away. At the same time, if we were extremely compatible, shouldn't we be able to handle these things more.. better I guess? I'm quite torn on what exactly to do. These *small* fights are taking quite the toll!

 

And thanks for everyones responses. I completely understand what I need to do on my part. How do I respectably communicate to my SO that he also needs to work on his argumentative style with me? And that just because he doesn't see things the way I do doesn't mean I'm wrong, or that he's wrong, but just that we need to meet on more common ground?

 

This is a huge topic, but here is tip:

 

Shift from 'you' to 'me.'

 

Don't say, "You're wrong," say, "I see that differently."

 

Don't say, "You're not affectionate enough," say, "I'd really like you to hold me close just now."

 

Don't say, "You make me angry," say, "I'm feeling angry."

 

Get the idea?

 

As I said, its a huge topic.

[Gloria25]

Relationships are about communication, being a team and compromise, they're not about winning.

 

If neither the OP or her SO can understand this concept, then even if they break up, they will never have a successful RL.

 

Also, without knowing what things you two are fighting about - hard to say if this is a lack of understanding how to communicate, disagree, etc as a couple or serious compatibility issues.

[Mrlonelyone]

It depends on what you are arguing about and how you argue.

 

Real couples will argue. The ones that make it argue from logic and about what is the best course of action. They don't argue to win, they argue to make the couple win as a team. You pick your battles and remember it is more important to be happy than to win.

 

If you are arguing over things which are core values then you are incompatible.

If you are arguing over stupid little things then you are a normal couple.

[esstea]

It depends on what you are arguing about and how you argue.

 

Real couples will argue. The ones that make it argue from logic and about what is the best course of action. They don't argue to win, they argue to make the couple win as a team. You pick your battles and remember it is more important to be happy than to win.

 

If you are arguing over things which are core values then you are incompatible.

If you are arguing over stupid little things then you are a normal couple.

 

Well this sort of makes sense. We don't fight over stuff pertaining to our fundamental values. We are in this odd nit picky, you're annoying the life out of me phase though. That's maybe just because we've gotten into so many little fights lately, we're both kind of walking on egg shells.

 

If people are curious what it is exactly we've been fighting about, i'll give an example (and again, it's really stupid). Let's say... an old acquiantence reached out to me to go ride bikes. He's happily married, nice guy, etc. My boyfriend sees him as someone who could be potentially interested in me, even if he's married. I however, don't see this guy as a threat, and just as a nice guy from what I know, so when he asks me, I bring it up to my boyfriend to discuss if I should or shouldn't.

 

This is where our miscommunication happens.

 

He proceeds to get frustrated because I should have "just known" that this would make him upset and should have said no right away, and because I didn't I'm being inconsiderate. I see it as, I brought it up with him without responding to this old acquaintance, and in my eyes, that's me being considerate of him. And he'd just push his opinion on me. I'd push my opinion on him. And we would never resolve anything. His views on how I should go about doing things aren't on par with how I see things, and I feel like a situation as small as this shouldn't have blown up to what it did (we got into a huge fight about it, spoke for probably 3 hours going in circles, it was ridiculous).

 

Sorry. I wrote that all in one cathartic session. I think I'm just trying to sound out where our disconnect is and how I should fix these really really stupid arguments.

[Simpleoldschool]

Not trying to sound mean here - I'm not , but lets take a second to reason. Just because you routinely fight Doesn't mean that you aren't compatible. what it means is that you don't or haven't developed a way to resolve your arguments after you've had a fight .That translates into one thing and means something and that is neither of you are coming up with a solution to a problem that's causing the fight. You both are simply fighting to make a point.

 

Two types of conversation when it comes to disagreements:

 

1.) You talk to understand and resolve disagreements .

 

2.) You talk authoritatively and make demands, selfishly.

 

Conclusion, people fight because they are selfish about what it is they want from someone else so all you have to do is leverage.The True reason people fight is they lack self-control. If you fight its normal and certain conditions arise where fighting happens - It happens and can go on for a long time. if its become a habit or style you get into in how you have chosen to communicate with your boyfriend when your feelings come about and the same with him that's how you've adapted or moreover undaunted your communication and come to a point where you've avoided maker resolutions rather than demands. Its a habit so break it.

 

From my experience, most people don't make themselves vulnerable enough to just tell someone how they are feeling in a neutral way. Speaking in a manner of emotional language rather than explaining your emotions calm and collectively to someone is much different .Emphasis on the calm - emphasis on collectively.

 

Here's what you do, and its not that hard. You approach your boyfriend in a way that is allows him to feel comfortable while explaining. You ask him " I can tell you're stressed and I am too. whats bothering you and how do we fix it." Thats the team-work option. ****ing it up is easy as 123. it go's like this " F You, what is your problem etc, etc etc.

 

If you choose the former rather than the later and it resolves all the issue's your having good, but cycling through the habits you've made now when it comes to how you choose to have disagreements means you have to replace the old habit of letting your self-control go to **** and be open to understand where someone else is coming from. The first person who figures this out will develop a way to diffuse a situation. sure its work so,.. get to work.

Edited May 26, 2015 by Simpleoldschool

[newmoon]

yes, most people go through a period of non-stop fighting during the end of the honeymoon phase of the relationship. by this time you know your partner well enough to be pushing their buttons, and their preferences or ways can now get on your nerves and not be as cute as they once were. you start to notice the little irritants because you're less focused on making good impressions. you can either work through the fights and get past the phase with respect for one another, but if the fighting continues, then imo it speaks to incompatibility. fighting is normal, but fighting too often and about too many things, that's a greater problem and might be a basic incompatiblity that has surfaced

[babycakees]

I've been in relationships like this and they are not healthy. Constant arguing and fighting with each other is emotionally draining and incredibly stressful. I get too worked up and upset anytime I am having an argument with anyone. I myself could not stay in a relationship with someone who thought they always had to be right. I've been down that road before and the arguments did not just magically stop. They actually got worse. Arguing in relationships stems from poor communication with couples. Giving in to an argument and letting the person be right or simply agreeing with them isn't good either. That will lead to built up resentment towards the other person. All couples argue, but constant arguing is not part of a healthy relationship.

[writergal]

Read author Laurie Puhn's book Fight Less, Love More. She writes about how couples can bridge their communication gaps.

 

I'm sure there are a ton of labels out there in cyberspace land as to the kinds of couples who fight. But Puhn came up with these communication labels for couples:

 

• Dramatic Duo
  
• The We-Agree-On-Everything-Twins
  
• The OverAnalyzers
  
• The She-Said-He-Runs (!)
  
• The Silent-But-Deadlies
  

 

After reading your OP, esstea, I think you and your boyfriend are the Dramatic Duo.

 

Dramatic Duo - couples who constantly fight about everything.

 

Puhn notes that these couples are more reactive than cooperative. She then says that the solution is to change the way you argue with each other.

 

The minute you start to argue with each other, stop. Do something different. Like if you're standing up, go sit down somewhere. Or if you're folding laundry or cooking dinner, and your boyfriend picks a fight, tell him you'll discuss it after you finish what you're doing but not at that moment.

 

Be more mindful of each other's feelings. Be more cooperative, not competitive with your arguments, if that makes any sense?

[d0nnivain]

Well this sort of makes sense. We don't fight over stuff pertaining to our fundamental values. We are in this odd nit picky, you're annoying the life out of me phase though. That's maybe just because we've gotten into so many little fights lately, we're both kind of walking on egg shells.

 

If people are curious what it is exactly we've been fighting about, i'll give an example (and again, it's really stupid). Let's say... an old acquiantence reached out to me to go ride bikes. He's happily married, nice guy, etc. My boyfriend sees him as someone who could be potentially interested in me, even if he's married. I however, don't see this guy as a threat, and just as a nice guy from what I know, so when he asks me, I bring it up to my boyfriend to discuss if I should or shouldn't.

 

This is where our miscommunication happens.

 

He proceeds to get frustrated because I should have "just known" that this would make him upset and should have said no right away, and because I didn't I'm being inconsiderate. I see it as, I brought it up with him without responding to this old acquaintance, and in my eyes, that's me being considerate of him. And he'd just push his opinion on me. I'd push my opinion on him. And we would never resolve anything. His views on how I should go about doing things aren't on par with how I see things, and I feel like a situation as small as this shouldn't have blown up to what it did (we got into a huge fight about it, spoke for probably 3 hours going in circles, it was ridiculous).

 

Sorry. I wrote that all in one cathartic session. I think I'm just trying to sound out where our disconnect is and how I should fix these really really stupid arguments.

 

You are trying to be transparent in your dealings with an opposite sex friend. For your BF to get mad at you saying you should have known this would upset him is more than a nit picky power struggle but it is compounded by your BF's possible departure in September. I can see where you BF would be especially threatened by opposite sex friends because they will be here, near you, and he will be off him his country LDR.

 

I'm still concerned about his unreasonable position that you should have known. Expecting your SO to read your mind is not healthy.

 

Next time he's short with you, in a quiet voice -- point out the root of the problem in an effort to diffuse the situation

[Els]

Ridiculous sh*t really. But something I didn't initially mention was we're both going through some fair amount of life changes. For example, his current work visa is expiring and he might not even be able to stay in the country past September if his application for permanent residency doesn't get finalized. Which obviously puts an unprecedented amount of stress on the status of our relationship. Which in turn has tensed things up quite a bit, hence... we begin to fight over everything....

 

This could definitely play a part. I recall when I was applying for residency a couple years ago - it was an extremely stressful time, like everything in my life was up in limbo. Aside from the obvious impact on his life in general, he might be realizing that if his application is declined and he has to leave, both of you will need to make some very difficult choices regarding your relationship. This sort of uncertainty puts a lot of strain on the R and his perception of things.

 

That being said there is no reason why you both cannot work towards learning how to communicate better and to handle conflict. On the surface I would say that I think this is fairly normal - lots of couples, after the honeymoon phase ends, find that they need to work on this. But I can't comment on whether or not your current situation is worth pressing on for or not. It depends on heaps of unknown factors - how the fights are like, how the relationship in general is like, how long you've been together, how the rest of your relationship has been, whether or not there are other factors like emotional abuse, etc. My philosophy in general is that if a R has been 90% good, and the 10% bad doesn't involve dealbreakers like abuse/cheating, AND I think this person might be someone I might want to spend my life with, I'll stay and work things out.

 

As for the 'how' to work things out, again it depends on your individual conflict resolution styles. Can't help more without knowing that, but in general I think it helps to understand each others' styles and to learn to pick your battles.