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I still have arguments with my ex in my head...can anyone relate?

OK_computer

By OK_computer
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

Posted
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(I know someone posted something similar a few weeks before and sorry for the repeat)

 

 

I go through the fights in my head very often:

 

1.What I said, what I should've said, my facial expressions, I even sometimes say it out loud

2. What she said, her facial expression, seeing her cry, What she meant, etc.

 

 

I hear everything she said like echos in my mind, I don't think I'm insane or psychotic, but I think it's because of the pedestal I placed her on, or the value I gave her as a person. It rings in my ears. And I regret the things I have said, and yet long for not being able to say enough.

 

I still remember her crying while she was screaming at me, looking up at me, telling me to go die etc. I'm unable to forget these fights, there had been so many.

 

Now i'm at a point where I just say to myself with a spurn "I don't care" and i say to myself atleast 6 times a day, and its been going on for 6 to 8 months. Is it because infact i DO care?

Edited by OK_computer
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Lizrd3000 Established Member

Lizrd3000

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Ofcourse you care.

 

 

But you can't change whats been said or what has been left unsaid.

You're gonna have to live with the fights that have happened.

 

 

I can relate to your thoughts, but you can't really do anything about it anymore. You really have to realize this if you want the vivid thoughts to go away.

 

 

Don't disregard your thoughts by saying you don't care. Don't lie to yourself.

Acknowledge the thoughts, and tell yourself that you can't change the past.

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OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

Posted
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Ofcourse you care.

 

 

But you can't change whats been said or what has been left unsaid.

You're gonna have to live with the fights that have happened.

 

 

I can relate to your thoughts, but you can't really do anything about it anymore. You really have to realize this if you want the vivid thoughts to go away.

 

 

Don't disregard your thoughts by saying you don't care. Don't lie to yourself.

Acknowledge the thoughts, and tell yourself that you can't change the past.

 

 

It'll take longer to heal now. I think I might have a nervous breakdown all over again.

darkbloom Established Member

darkbloom

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I totally have those arguments out loud in my car. And when I get annoyed with myself, I say "whatever. I don't care." Makes me feel better even if it's not true.

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sober and dry Established Member

sober and dry

Posted
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Consciously say to yourself what Lizrd3000 said, "I really can't do anything about it anymore or change it, so let it go".

You got to get through this. Be strong and help yourself.

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OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

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I totally have those arguments out loud in my car. And when I get annoyed with myself, I say "whatever. I don't care." Makes me feel better even if it's not true.

 

ditto. LITERALLY. I care and care and then i guess as a defense mechanism after the mental 'fight' i just say I don't care. It's really weird.

 

Do you still go thru this?

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OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

Posted
  • Author
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Ofcourse you care.

 

 

But you can't change whats been said or what has been left unsaid.

You're gonna have to live with the fights that have happened.

 

 

I can relate to your thoughts, but you can't really do anything about it anymore. You really have to realize this if you want the vivid thoughts to go away.

 

Don't disregard your thoughts by saying you don't care. Don't lie to yourself.

Acknowledge the thoughts, and tell yourself that you can't change the past.

 

Also Lizard,

 

I'm a rather docile person, pacifist even. But with this particular relationship, my ex had driven me to such an extent that I literally used to fight with her every single day, or weekly, for 4 years. What makes it so HARD to get rid of these arguments is the fact that it was so out of character for me, to be fighting. These memories literally got branded in my brain.

darkbloom Established Member

darkbloom

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ditto. LITERALLY. I care and care and then i guess as a defense mechanism after the mental 'fight' i just say I don't care. It's really weird.

 

Do you still go thru this?

 

Pretty much everyday. Usually on my way home from work. It's been 6 months post BU and 5 months NC.

 

My defense mechanism is not caring. I'm actually really good at it when it comes to how I feel about most people. I mentally shut down and tell myself that I don't care and eventually that becomes true. Except for this ex.

 

I also tell people I don't care when they ask me about him and they mostly believe me.

SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
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I can relate, too.

 

I feel like a homeless schizophrenic spouting invectives to someone who's not there.

 

It's just part of the process, I believe. We loved these people. Now they are gone. Over time, these feelings and urges will diminish. We have to let go.

 

I think that's what these reenactments are about...not wanting to let go.

 

Let go.

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dyna85 Established Member

dyna85

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I so do this in my car often also. I did it tonight and I felt like an idiot. I'm like 'no, stop it, just stop, you're annoying,' because I can't believe I still am going through this at 5 months NC. The further you get into NC the more you feel crazy for having all of the residual emotions.

 

Time to pack it up heart, and get moving.

kturner16 Member

kturner16

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I so understand how you feel. My ex and I have had some really bad fights and sometimes I wish I knew things I know now back then so I could say it because he loved putting things on me, even though we both had our faults. I believe that it will get better with time. Don't pretend you don't care, get all the emotions out now. If you have to argue with yourself, do it. Holding off on doing these things will only prolong the healing process.

 

Best wishes, xo

guest569 Established Member

guest569

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I do go over conversations either real or imaginary.. I go back and think about what I could or should have said. I remember practically all of our conversations word for word, but the feelings I had during those conversations are lessening. I still get intense sadness and anger at times. I also imagine conversations in the future and what I would say and how I want him to see me. This is stupid, there is no future and I hope I never see him again. But I still imagine hurting him, or him saying nice things to me for a change, or us getting back together. Most of all, I wish I could go back and leave the room as soon as those conversations started. None of it was productive, and its still unproductive in my head years later.

sober and dry Established Member

sober and dry

Posted
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Well it seems there are some people doing the same, going through the things of the past in a obsessive way. As we all know the past experiences doesn't hold no other point them getting the lesson from it and moving on. So people come on, you all seem to already learned the lessons you could, so for your own sake move on and over it.

joseb Established Member

joseb

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OK_computer are you seeing anyone about this?

 

At this stage you should be realising how lucky you are to be out of such a terrible relationship where "my ex had driven me to such an extent that I literally used to fight with her every single day, or weekly, for 4 years. "

 

Why do the details of your fights still matter?

What do you think you gain from replaying them in your mind?

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OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

Posted
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OK_computer are you seeing anyone about this?

 

At this stage you should be realising how lucky you are to be out of such a terrible relationship where "my ex had driven me to such an extent that I literally used to fight with her every single day, or weekly, for 4 years. "

 

Why do the details of your fights still matter?

What do you think you gain from replaying them in your mind?

 

Loseb,

 

At the point i'm not seeing anyone, nor will i probably entertain the idea any time soon. I think I'll let time heal things in its own way. I'm a medical doctor, and I used to see a psychiatrist in my previous R/S, and I will NOT go back on meds. If anything I may take pyschotherapy or CBT later on, If I feel the need.

 

The details still bother me, I feel, because I see my ex EVERYDAY and will be foreced to until about next May 2016. It's hard to forget someone you love that you see everyday, and I think that REGRET is what's eating away at my soul. I've been in NC for 1 year and 3 months, but we still see each other everyday. The other day in the cafeteria, she gave me the most evil look when I was sitting with a fresh group of residents. I still have to deal with her everyday, is the only reason I can think of why I still ruminate.

 

Next year, after I'm done at this place for good, I think my actual healing will start, when I never see her again. I've met some wonderful girls, and friends, since the BU which have supported me along, but 4 years of horror, can't dissipate in 1 year, or even 2 years I feel. I've done things out of my character, that will haunt me until the day I die, and so has she.

Jimmyjackson Established Member

Jimmyjackson

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Weird how we know we don't want them back, we hate them for what they did yet we still ruminate on the past, assess previous conversations and make up future ones. Why are we still hung up on those who we know logically are no good for us and don't deserve us? It's really annoying.

 

I know I don't want my ex back, I don't like what she did yet I still miss her and have these conversations in my head also.

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joseb Established Member

joseb

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Yeah - when I meant seeing someone I meant something like pyschotherapy or CBT.

 

Wow - that is a really hard situation, I would struggle if I had to work and see my ex daily. Not sure what advice I can offer for that.

Is there any way you can transfer?

 

Regarding regret, all I'd suggest is in a few years maybe you might regret this current year wasted on rumination when you could be getting on with your life.

Life isn't a dress rehersal, and time is a precious commodity we can't get back. The older I get, the more I realise this.

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OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

Posted
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Posted (edited)
Yeah - when I meant seeing someone I meant something like pyschotherapy or CBT.

 

Wow - that is a really hard situation, I would struggle if I had to work and see my ex daily. Not sure what advice I can offer for that.

Is there any way you can transfer?

 

Regarding regret, all I'd suggest is in a few years maybe you might regret this current year wasted on rumination when you could be getting on with your life.

Life isn't a dress rehersal, and time is a precious commodity we can't get back. The older I get, the more I realise this.

 

Sorry Joseb, (I called you Loseb lol)

 

It is an extremely hard situation for me, and frankly it shows in my frequent and noticeable mood fluctuations. I may be so high and happy for a couple of days followed by a really low day, i mean really low. But i have to be a 'man' about and and push through, that is the only way for me in this.

 

Yes sir, time is so precious, so very precious. I hope i've been making the best of it, but still this all haunts me, and it takes a toll of me. I went from being 'paralyzed'--(unable to move on, stuck in the past), to now only having a really annoying huge zit on my face (meaning im doing everything I should be doing, but still have this nuisance in the background).

 

 

Regret Joseb, is one of those emotions, like resentment, that may actually never go away. I find it to be a useless emotion, a very android emotion that plays no meaningful role in our lives. It's a constant reminder of what we lost, what we could've had, and that my friend, will last a long time. I think about the climax, literally the day before the big fight in the bedroom, when everything would change forever, it shaped the next 2 years of my life. What if I had just kept my mouth shut? Or what if I wasn't so harsh? Or said that one thing I knew would crush her to the point she threatened suicide? Then maybe, our eyes now would still love. Instead its hate-filled eyes, the room across, the hall across, even in our hearts. That's a glimpse of my regret, everyday. And thats where the arguments in the head ring so loud.

 

 

Today was my low day.

Edited by OK_computer
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