66Charger Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Search this forum for information on the 180. It is time for you to stop chasing. The 180 will either open his eyes, or it really is over. Try it. Your situation seems like a textbook example where this might work. You have nothing to lose and will probally gain your husband or yourself back. 1
66Charger Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 The 180 is on the top of this forum. Critical thinking for seperated by Yasunido. Try it until the end of summer. It would be interesting to see the results
66Charger Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I have a feeling your husband will be giving you foot massages by Christmas. Become a beautiful flower again. Become "new". Beware because once your smile comes out, alot of other guys will notice too. 1
66Charger Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 As a matter of fact, the next time he comes trolling for sex, tell him to give you a foot massage. A lonnnggg one. Then promise some....next time.. If you are going to be "occasionally intimate" Set a condition that he must take you out on a proper date. He must dress up and pick you up. Make sure he opens your car door. . ...AND NO WHINING FROM HIM! No relationship discussions. This should not happen only because of sex, but you must retrain him. Non negotiateable IMHO
Author MarieB215 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 I totally understand the concept of NC, but I can't help thinking in the back of my mind that MC just makes it easier for him to walk away you know? Although I suppose if that happens then I have my answer and will be in a better place from the NC. This is just so hard and sad.
66Charger Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Why are you going NC? The 180 isn't NC. Its about you not him. Basically let him chase you while improving yourself. Don't go NC if you want this to work out. Low not No contact
Author MarieB215 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Why are you going NC? The 180 isn't NC. Its about you not him. Basically let him chase you while improving yourself. Don't go NC if you want this to work out. Low not No contact Oh wait I didn't realize they were two different things. I read the pinned post that you referred me to, but I was still thinking it was no contact. My brain is in such a fog lately. Thanks for the clarification 66, all your help and guidance is so appreciated.
66Charger Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 You should definitely keep contact but low contact. Let him call text etc. Review what they say, Do not reply back right away unless its critical. Keep the speed text "oh I didnt see your message yesterday" The 180 is not a game. It is to let him know that while yes, YOU DO STILL LOVE HIM, you are not going to wait forever, you are moving forward with or without him and your life is starting to look brite. Dont look for immediate results. Give it until the end of summer. Let him chase you. See how many times he will call/text while you are making him wait for YOU to call back. If he gets annoyed, good. If he starts showing up more often, wondering whats going on, good but dont change your plans. He can come with, IF YOU wish it. If he has left a few messages and you havent replied, go ahead and call but just say you have been busy....cheerfully. Always look sharp and wear a smile. In a few months I hope you have a good update and dissappear from here forever. 1
Author MarieB215 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 How are you holding up Marie? You are too kind for checking in. I feel the same I guess. I just feel blah in general and I wish I could stop trying to read into everything and trying to analyze every single thing. I know I could stop, I'm just finding it hard to do so.
Majormisstep Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Hi Marie, so sorry to hear of your situation. I too struggled in LimboLand for nearly 1 1/2 years after our separation. Talk about self torture. Here I thought I was giving H plenty of space to "figure things out" but all the while he was happily moving on. I finally mustered up the courage early this spring to ask what we were doing and where we were going and he suggested I move on too. The end. Anyway, your H might come back when he tires of this unusual OW relationship. In the meantime you will drive yourself crazy trying to analyze his moves and motives. Have (another) open and honest discussion with him sooner rather than later, where all cards are on the table and if he is still making excuses, then that is your cue. Having occasional sex with him now is giving him the best of both worlds. I'd close that door in a big hurry. You have to take care of you at this point Marie. Six or eighteen months of waiting is far too long. Life is precious and short.
Author MarieB215 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Hi thanks for your support and kind words. Just to be clear we are not having sex and haven't been. I agree that the novelty of his new friendship w the OW and her H will wear off, hopefully sooner rather than later. I feel like in my heart I should just be the one to make the call to end this, because if he wanted to come home wouldn't he be home? Unfortunately, I'm just not ready to let go yet which sucks because I know I could end the limbo by doing that.
66Charger Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Then give yourself a time limit, maybe until the end of summer. If you just started the 180, don't expect immediate results. Right now you are trying something different. The lay it on the line conversations, anger etc are not working. Focus.its OK to want this fixed right now, but please try the 180 for a little bit longer. If it doesn't work, file. The only reconciliations that I have seen work on here is when one starts the 180 and the other recognizes that the spouses life without him is happy. He will then either go WTF am I thinking or its over anyway. By that time you will have become a stronger person and he will not be able to break you with goodbye. It is him that is playing with fire, he needs to know he is about to get burned. Don't say it, do it. Give the 180 a fair shot. You have nothing to lose. Strength and Honor Edited June 9, 2015 by 66Charger 1
66Charger Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 It is time for HIM to analyze your words or lack thereof It is time for HIM to analyze why it takes you HOURS or a DAY to reply It is time for him to analyze why your wearing that sexy black dress. It is time for him to analyze where you were all day saturday And saturday night. (DONT CHEAT OR DATE) It is time for him to analyze why you no longer wish to talk about the past. It is time for him to analyze why your talk of the future does not include him. It is time for you to download Gloria Gaynors song "I will Survive" You can do this. You will either save your marriage and teach him not to ever take you for granted or you will be happy and available. IMHO Note: if I am incorrect about the singer, , someone please correct me 1
66Charger Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Here is a assignment (and I hope this doesnt go horribly wrong) Somentime this week ask him how much do you think you would get for the house. If he ask why, casually tell him that you assume IF a divorce happens you will sell the house and split the money. If he says he wants you to stay in the house, let him know that you would probally prefer to start fresh. Be positive, not to cheerful, Close the topic quickly and let him know you have something else to do. If he wants to elaborate, just say its something that crossed your mind. Let him stew on that for a bit. See how long it takes for this too come up again. If he does brings it up later and reiterates that he doesnt want the house sold, just let him know you will cross that bridge IF it comes. Hmmm. Let him analyze that. This is not a game. It might happen. But he needs to know you are being forced into a position that you must consider Marie Btw, if he pops out some for sale signs, then I was wrong but now you know Edited June 9, 2015 by 66Charger 1
Author MarieB215 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 I really appreciate the time and thought you put into this 66. I feel like I've exhausted my friends and family, and it is very helpful to have an outsider give some fresh perspective. I am going to start the 180. I'm conflicted because he starts his new job Thursday night, so of course I want to text him, so I feel like that puts me in a tough spot.... And you're right- it's Gloria Gaynor
66Charger Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 If he is starting a new job, hold off on that assignment for awhile, but continue the 180 Its ok to wish him well on his first day. Thats something any freind would do. After that, let him call you and tell you about his day. Be supportive, but keep it on topic A lot of people here are reading your thread and we all wish you well Remember its LC. Just keep it short and positive 1
Author MarieB215 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 A lot of people here are reading your thread and we all wish you well You have no idea how much I appreciate it
66Charger Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Hey Marie, how are you? I recently read a post by a woman, MM1234 and how she did the 180 on her husband. Very similar to your story. Perhaps you should look at her thread and post a message
Author MarieB215 Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 Hi thanks for checking in. I will definitely check out the post. Holding up eh..trying to stick to the 180. So hard. Recently a friend that I had lost touch with got in contact with me and she and I went for coffee to catch up so that's been a good distraction for me, catching up with an old friend.
LoveMyCat Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Hi thanks for checking in. I will definitely check out the post. Holding up eh..trying to stick to the 180. So hard. Recently a friend that I had lost touch with got in contact with me and she and I went for coffee to catch up so that's been a good distraction for me, catching up with an old friend. I recently contacted a friend I had not seen or spoken to for about ten years...partly because my (estranged) husband stopped being friends with her husband. Now she and I meet at least once a week, usually for a "play date" with our dogs. I am so glad I reached out. I have been separated about seven months now, no action taken by either of us to make it official, but to me it is already official. I moved out, set up a new household and struggle along on my fixed income, nothing from him, and he has never asked how I am managing, or anything else really. Nothing but a few emails about insignificant matters. I guess it is becoming obvious he is content as he is. One of these days I will rock the boat and file for divorce. Sorry to hijack your thread Keep seeing your friends, it is so important. I let it go for too long during my marriage when my husband became super anti-social.
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