Abusers who apologize, claim to love, but later continue to abuse

[Popsicle]

I am not a victim of abuse, but I have become curious about this cycle. I don't know much about it, but I have heard that the cycle goes like this (roughly): The abuser abuses the victim, someone they have a relationship with, then the abuser calms down, feels really bad afterwards, tells them how sorry they are and that will never do it again, maybe even cries and begs them to stay. The victim, feeling sorry for the abuser and wanting to believe the abuser, stays, and then after a while, the cycle repeats again the next time the abuser is set off. Rinse, repeat.

 

What I am curious about is why the abuser can't stop the abuse if they are ashamed? I am completely unfamiliar with this psychology of this phenomenon so any insight would be appreciated.

[carhill]

You know how an orgasm can put you to sleep due to the brain chemicals released?

 

Think of the outburst of abuse as an 'anger orgasm'. The actions/words release brain chemicals that reset that part of the brain and, once perceiving the reality of their actions, resolution (remorse) occurs and the bla, bla, bla of making amends/begging/pleading/apologizing, hysterical bonding (sex) happens and the cycle resets and builds up again over time.

 

I was first introduced to the cycle at around age 15 where I found myself holding a friend's mom after she was beaten while he pounded his father in the kitchen. This went on for years until the father got too old to be a physical threat. Outwardly, he was a 'normal' guy, actually ran the service department at the local Lincoln auto dealer. White collar guy. At home though, whoa...

 

I never forgot that and have seen it enough over the decades to find commonalities. Obviously, each situation can be different.

[travelbug1996]

Its all about gaining power and control and breaking down the abused person's esteem bit by bit. Anyone being abused should call the Domestic Violence hotline to escape the abuser.

[jen1447]

I think you're skipping a couple steps, but my understanding as to your question, for a lot of abusers anyway, is that they don't actually feel remorse (it's a lie) or their remorse is superficial (they might get sad when they see a black eye they caused but it doesn't last).

 

Usually the remorse actually takes the form of self pity and blame though -

 

"Baby, I feel terrible that I popped you one, and I know I'm better than that, but you have to realize that you make me this way. I want to treat you right but you keep pushing me over the edge. I hate feeling like this and I deserve better so I want you to start focusing on not being so selfish in the future."

 

It can be a ploy or sometimes they might actually believe it. Actually stopping the abuse is usually not in their best interest, as they risk losing control.

[darkmoon]

Erin Pizzey wrote a book about her Women's Aid pioneer work, in the 70s; she told of women who go back home, calling it "unfinished business" the book was/is called Scream Quietly Or The Neighbours Will Hear, a husband quoted there

 

she could see who go back before the women knew themselves, the ones who hung out of the windows, tather than staying hidden and fearful, when/if their husbands turned up at the shelter were the ones to relent

[Satu]

I am not a victim of abuse, but I have become curious about this cycle. I don't know much about it, but I have heard that the cycle goes like this (roughly): The abuser abuses the victim, someone they have a relationship with, then the abuser calms down, feels really bad afterwards, tells them how sorry they are and that will never do it again, maybe even cries and begs them to stay. The victim, feeling sorry for the abuser and wanting to believe the abuser, stays, and then after a while, the cycle repeats again the next time the abuser is set off. Rinse, repeat.

 

What I am curious about is why the abuser can't stop the abuse if they are ashamed? I am completely unfamiliar with this psychology of this phenomenon so any insight would be appreciated.

 

I've never been in this position, but what I've observed is this:

 

1. The abuser re-seduces the victim with protestations of love.

 

2. Victim and abuser agree to 'forget' the abuse.

 

3. Abuse starts again.

 

4. Both feel out of control.

 

5. The abuser re-seduces the victim with protestation of love and remorse, and so on.

 

The point of potential change is at the point of forgetting, when the victim refuses to forget.

[pureinheart]

You know how an orgasm can put you to sleep due to the brain chemicals released?

 

Think of the outburst of abuse as an 'anger orgasm'. The actions/words release brain chemicals that reset that part of the brain and, once perceiving the reality of their actions, resolution (remorse) occurs and the bla, bla, bla of making amends/begging/pleading/apologizing, hysterical bonding (sex) happens and the cycle resets and builds up again over time.

 

I was first introduced to the cycle at around age 15 where I found myself holding a friend's mom after she was beaten while he pounded his father in the kitchen. This went on for years until the father got too old to be a physical threat. Outwardly, he was a 'normal' guy, actually ran the service department at the local Lincoln auto dealer. White collar guy. At home though, whoa...

 

I never forgot that and have seen it enough over the decades to find commonalities. Obviously, each situation can be different.

 

Wow CH, this explanation is amazing... I've never heard it communicated in quite this way... excellent insight, thank you.

[pureinheart]

What I am curious about is why the abuser can't stop the abuse if they are ashamed? I am completely unfamiliar with this psychology of this phenomenon so any insight would be appreciated.

 

Because IMO this is about control and the need to get that control back. Typically, abusers were themselves abused. They seek out those who are perceived to be weaker and also those who will not talk and continue on with this sick dance of control and cycling.

 

Again, IMO, the need to abuse/regain lost control, is far greater than the shame felt for a few minutes or days ...also the cycling process in itself works to alleviate the shame also.

Edited May 25, 2015 by pureinheart

[GemmaUK]

I agree with Jen.

 

 

They say sorry but don't actually feel remorseful about what happened.

They still 100% believe that whatever the target of the abuse did was the reason that 'he had no choice' but to abuse her.

 

An example:

Sue is rushing around the house getting things ready for when they go out.

She is getting packed lunches ready for their day and sorting out his washing.

Dave is sitting on his laptop with the TV on and also watching her as she dashes about and up and down stairs (it's all open plan).

He gets up and stands at the bottom of the stairs when Sue comes down, She is at his height, gives him a peck on the lips and asks if he wants a coffee before they leave and before she reaches the bottom of the stairs.

Sue turns at the bottom of the stairs to again face him and waits for his answer, the kettle has just boiled.

Dave says yes to the coffee so Sue attempts to move towards the kitchen and then screams out in pain as Dave has just poked his middle finger into her ribs hard. (By the way: Dave is 17 stone, Sue is 8 stone).

Sue is in pain and asks why on earth Dave did that? Dave says 'you have been ignoring me since you had a shower and I didn't want you to keep ignoring me'

Sue says she has just been getting things ready for their day out, they need to leave in half an hour to be on time. She also says that he didn't need to poke her so hard and the flat of his hand would have been all that was needed to keep her there if he wanted to kiss her or talk to her.

Dave had appeared to be happy on his computer while Sue was getting ready so she had no idea he thought she was ignoring her at all.

Sue just makes the coffee, carries on with what she needs to do, they go out.

 

During the week Sue's rib isn't getting any better so she goes to see her doctor. It turns out she has a damaged ligament and it'll be around 6 weeks until it heals itself. She tells Dave about this and he tells her to take painkillers. The doc gave her codeine to see her through the next 2 weeks.

 

The following weekend they are visiting his friends Kev and Faye who Sue has never yet met and then after that they are off to his sister's house to spend Christmas for the week.

They get to Kev and Faye's and there's 20 odd crumbly stairs to climb, covered in snow. As Sue is carrying her bag up she slips a bit and howls as the case, snow, ice and steps are not the best mix when something between your ribs is still so sore.

Dave's mate Kev notices and asks if Sue is alright, Sue says that she is, she just hurt herself the previous week and it's not better yet.

 

We get in the flat, get some drinks, sit down and a little while later Kev asks Sue what she had done to hurt herself.

Dave shoots her a look and she says that he had poked her in the ribs the week before, says he clearly didn't realise how hard and he was just messing about but that it's caused ligament damage but it'll heal in a few weeks.

Dave then shouts 'I had no choice but to poke you, you were about to move away from me!'.

Kev is looking startled by this. He asks Dave what happened so Dave explains that I was ignoring him. Sue decides it's best to say nothing at this point.

Kev asks the same questions that Sue did of Dave, why he didn't use the flat of his hand so as not to hurt Sue. 'Sue is tiny, you shouldn't poke your gf in the ribs even if is she was actually ignoring you'.

This inspires a 2+ hour debate on the subject with Faye involved also.

Dave did say sorry to Sue during the debate, however it was quickly said and followed right after by the words 'you gave me no choice'.

Also, through the entire debate Dave could not understand that the flat of a hand would cause less damage that poking someone.

Kev and Faye could not understand how getting things ready and neither one speaking during an hour of being busy could be seen as ignoring.

Faye and Sue went to bed during the debate, Dave was shouting at Kev, Kev was trying to reason with Dave.

 

Sue was 'a problem' (quoting Dave's words) over that Christmas week.

There was a list of things she did wrong:

She couldn't tolerate tight tight cuddles, normal cuddles and snuggling on the sofa were fine (but Sue did feel more comfortable if she sat with support on her left side).

Dave hadn't let her know that over Christmas the plan was for everyone who help his sister and her hubby tidy up their garden. Sue had no gardening type gear with her and had only packed heels and 'nice clothes' so this was also a problem for Dave.

Sue was unable to lift Dave's huge bag from the car though she did lift her own bags but she had packed light and had born in mind to pack light so she could carry her things. Dave was unhappy about Sue not carrying his things in and out when he had to say hello to his sister, her family and his parents.

Sue was also a problem that week for not telling him when she left the room to visit the toilet. Sue was 43 and felt no need to declare to a room of 7 people including two children that she needed the toilet and she said so.

Sue also got into trouble for doing like everyone else did and going back to the buffet in the dining room to refill her plate but not telling him where she was going.

Sue was raped on boxing day by Dave, this was the day that he explained she was 'a problem'. She said no to him and tried to push him off her but she wasn't strong enough.

It was actually a pretty rare thing when Dave apologised but he would revert to very sweet and charming after any kind of incident. So much so that Sue questioned herself and wondered if she was imagining things.

[elaine567]

What I am curious about is why the abuser can't stop the abuse if they are ashamed? I am completely unfamiliar with this psychology of this phenomenon so any insight would be appreciated.

 

The abuser usually gains from the abuse, the abuse controls the victim. The victim learns not to complain. The victim learns to accept the abuser for who they are. The victim may even shower the abuser with affection as they want to pacify the abuser.

The victim tends not to rock the boat, the abuser says jump and the victim says how high...

 

The victim will tolerate the abusers bad behaviour in all aspects of their lives, the victim may allow the abuser to go drinking, to cheat, to rule the roost, to make all the decisions.

What is not to like, from the point of view of the abuser?

 

The abuser has a compliant mate, who needs "reminding" every now and again to make sure they are still on board.

The abuser may be weak, they may be insecure, they may be ashamed, they may be contrite, BUT they have a "willing" victim to take out all their anger out on and someone they can make a scapegoat of too and that is a bonus as far as they are concerned .

 

The victim may be in no position to leave.

They are bound by convention, by brainwashing, by financial constraints, by children, by pets and the big one, by fear to stay where they are and try to make the best of the situation.

They are often chosen by the abuser specifically for the role, people with certain characteristics and circumstances, that will make them easier to abuse.

Edited May 25, 2015 by elaine567

[jen1447]

I agree with Jen.

 

 

They say sorry but don't actually feel remorseful about what happened.

They still 100% believe that whatever the target of the abuse did was the reason that 'he had no choice' but to abuse her.

 

An example:

Sue is rushing around the house getting things ready for when they go out.

She is getting packed lunches ready for their day and sorting out his washing.

Dave is sitting on his laptop with the TV on and also watching her as she dashes about and up and down stairs (it's all open plan).

He gets up and stands at the bottom of the stairs when Sue comes down, She is at his height, gives him a peck on the lips and asks if he wants a coffee before they leave and before she reaches the bottom of the stairs.

Sue turns at the bottom of the stairs to again face him and waits for his answer, the kettle has just boiled.

Dave says yes to the coffee so Sue attempts to move towards the kitchen and then screams out in pain as Dave has just poked his middle finger into her ribs hard. (By the way: Dave is 17 stone, Sue is 8 stone).

Sue is in pain and asks why on earth Dave did that? Dave says 'you have been ignoring me since you had a shower and I didn't want you to keep ignoring me'

Sue says she has just been getting things ready for their day out, they need to leave in half an hour to be on time. She also says that he didn't need to poke her so hard and the flat of his hand would have been all that was needed to keep her there if he wanted to kiss her or talk to her.

Dave had appeared to be happy on his computer while Sue was getting ready so she had no idea he thought she was ignoring her at all.

Sue just makes the coffee, carries on with what she needs to do, they go out.

 

During the week Sue's rib isn't getting any better so she goes to see her doctor. It turns out she has a damaged ligament and it'll be around 6 weeks until it heals itself. She tells Dave about this and he tells her to take painkillers. The doc gave her codeine to see her through the next 2 weeks.

 

The following weekend they are visiting his friends Kev and Faye who Sue has never yet met and then after that they are off to his sister's house to spend Christmas for the week.

They get to Kev and Faye's and there's 20 odd crumbly stairs to climb, covered in snow. As Sue is carrying her bag up she slips a bit and howls as the case, snow, ice and steps are not the best mix when something between your ribs is still so sore.

Dave's mate Kev notices and asks if Sue is alright, Sue says that she is, she just hurt herself the previous week and it's not better yet.

 

We get in the flat, get some drinks, sit down and a little while later Kev asks Sue what she had done to hurt herself.

Dave shoots her a look and she says that he had poked her in the ribs the week before, says he clearly didn't realise how hard and he was just messing about but that it's caused ligament damage but it'll heal in a few weeks.

Dave then shouts 'I had no choice but to poke you, you were about to move away from me!'.

Kev is looking startled by this. He asks Dave what happened so Dave explains that I was ignoring him. Sue decides it's best to say nothing at this point.

Kev asks the same questions that Sue did of Dave, why he didn't use the flat of his hand so as not to hurt Sue. 'Sue is tiny, you shouldn't poke your gf in the ribs even if is she was actually ignoring you'.

This inspires a 2+ hour debate on the subject with Faye involved also.

Dave did say sorry to Sue during the debate, however it was quickly said and followed right after by the words 'you gave me no choice'.

Also, through the entire debate Dave could not understand that the flat of a hand would cause less damage that poking someone.

Kev and Faye could not understand how getting things ready and neither one speaking during an hour of being busy could be seen as ignoring.

Faye and Sue went to bed during the debate, Dave was shouting at Kev, Kev was trying to reason with Dave.

 

Sue was 'a problem' (quoting Dave's words) over that Christmas week.

There was a list of things she did wrong:

She couldn't tolerate tight tight cuddles, normal cuddles and snuggling on the sofa were fine (but Sue did feel more comfortable if she sat with support on her left side).

Dave hadn't let her know that over Christmas the plan was for everyone who help his sister and her hubby tidy up their garden. Sue had no gardening type gear with her and had only packed heels and 'nice clothes' so this was also a problem for Dave.

Sue was unable to lift Dave's huge bag from the car though she did lift her own bags but she had packed light and had born in mind to pack light so she could carry her things. Dave was unhappy about Sue not carrying his things in and out when he had to say hello to his sister, her family and his parents.

Sue was also a problem that week for not telling him when she left the room to visit the toilet. Sue was 43 and felt no need to declare to a room of 7 people including two children that she needed the toilet and she said so.

Sue also got into trouble for doing like everyone else did and going back to the buffet in the dining room to refill her plate but not telling him where she was going.

Sue was raped on boxing day by Dave, this was the day that he explained she was 'a problem'. She said no to him and tried to push him off her but she wasn't strong enough.

It was actually a pretty rare thing when Dave apologised but he would revert to very sweet and charming after any kind of incident. So much so that Sue questioned herself and wondered if she was imagining things.

 

That sounds like a story that's somewhat more familiar than secondhand.

 

If Jen had been at the get-together, Dave would have gotten his ass beaten.

[Popsicle]

You all are amazing, I love all of these posts.

[carhill]

Wow CH, this explanation is amazing... I've never heard it communicated in quite this way... excellent insight, thank you.

If you want some insight watch some good old-fashioned street fighting between men until neither can take a swing. Then watch what happens after that. Our mind can compartmentalize the violence from what happens after. To us, it's like it didn't happen but we see results (crying, bruising, bleeding, unconscious, etc) and those perceptions impact our box where care and empathy are stored and we can feel guilt and shame for those results, though the actual actions are opaque, meaning cause and effect aren't a seamless conscious timeline.

 

Of course, sociopaths who like seeing people in pain have a different mental process. In the example I used prior, the man in question, for all intents and purposes, was an everyday guy. He wouldn't have survived managing blue collar workers every day for 20-something years and stay alive if he had been globally consistent in his anger or stress responses. Same with interacting with people in general.

 

TBH, I saw some of the same when caregiving once the filters of right and wrong were removed by psychosis. Formerly civilized behaviors became cruel, both in word and deed, and violent, so much so that drugs were required to quell the violence. I remember one time having to literally pick the patient completely in the air in a bear hug and drag her off because she was hell bent on killing my wife. That was a woman in her 80's. Imagine what a man is like. It can get ugly.

 

I think the opinions on the normal cycle of abuse, one where a 'method' is followed, purely pragmatic and manipulative, are valid; I was simply providing an alternative view from one, experience and two, actually being a man and having experienced a man's mind and thought processes and, yep, having been pounded and pounded people as a young man. The good news is the emotional memory from holding that friend's mom committed me to a lifetime of non-violence with women. I'll never forget the look in her eyes and can see it even today. Meh...

[pureinheart]

That sounds like a story that's somewhat more familiar than secondhand.

 

If Jen had been at the get-together, Dave would have gotten his ass beaten.

 

Same with pih...lol.

[spiderowl]

I suspect there are different types of abusers, e.g. those who seek to manipulate and control through violence and emotional abuse, and those who have some kind of anger problem so that anger builds and builds until it boils over. The latter really need anger management because they are not in control of themselves. The former could be in control of themselves and are using violence in a calculated way to manipulate.

 

I know an abuse victim who is now separated from the abuser. This person (abuse victim) is someone who needs excitement and stimulation - she can't sit still for long and is always seeking attention. She can't just get on with things, she has to make a big thing of it which involves lot of people getting involved and paying attention. This woman is impulsive and will do silly things for the 'fun' of it, being the first to leap in there. She puts herself at risk through these kinds of activities. Did she end up in an abusive relationship by accident? No, I don't think so and it's not the first abusive relationship she's been in. She might not have bargained on abuse but I am 99% certain she chose someone lively, exciting, dramatic, passionate, daring, impulsive and unpredictable, because that's the kind of person she is and that is what would capture her attention. Unfortunately, she keeps ending up with abusive guys. Her preferences put her at greater risk - in fact, she has admitted to being tempted to contact the guy who was jailed for beating her. I don't think she wants to be a victim of brutality but she is prepared to risk that to find the excitement she craves.

[pureinheart]

If you want some insight watch some good old-fashioned street fighting between men until neither can take a swing. Then watch what happens after that. Our mind can compartmentalize the violence from what happens after. To us, it's like it didn't happen but we see results (crying, bruising, bleeding, unconscious, etc) and those perceptions impact our box where care and empathy are stored and we can feel guilt and shame for those results, though the actual actions are opaque, meaning cause and effect aren't a seamless conscious timeline.

 

Men are amazing in this area, as typically they are not into holding grudges. It's like with the 'knock-down-drag-out' fight all is resolved... go figure. Maybe women should venture into this area. For me, I don't usually hold grudges unless it's an ex that totally screwed me over and I have to still deal with them. I thought ALL past 'ex' issues were resolved, but found out recently, they weren't, not even close.

Of course, sociopaths who like seeing people in pain have a different mental process. In the example I used prior, the man in question, for all intents and purposes, was an everyday guy. He wouldn't have survived managing blue collar workers every day for 20-something years and stay alive if he had been globally consistent in his anger or stress responses. Same with interacting with people in general.

 

Most definitely.

 

 

TBH, I saw some of the same when caregiving once the filters of right and wrong were removed by psychosis. Formerly civilized behaviors became cruel, both in word and deed, and violent, so much so that drugs were required to quell the violence. I remember one time having to literally pick the patient completely in the air in a bear hug and drag her off because she was hell bent on killing my wife. That was a woman in her 80's. Imagine what a man is like. It can get ugly.

 

This is fascinating CH and will venture into this. It's my understanding that certain drugs can actually cause psychosis... scary.

 

I think the opinions on the normal cycle of abuse, one where a 'method' is followed, purely pragmatic and manipulative, are valid; I was simply providing an alternative view from one, experience and two, actually being a man and having experienced a man's mind and thought processes and, yep, having been pounded and pounded people as a young man. The good news is the emotional memory from holding that friend's mom committed me to a lifetime of non-violence with women. I'll never forget the look in her eyes and can see it even today. Meh...

 

Having read MANY books concerning abuse and 'cycling', yours was the most intriguing and eye-catching. That lightbulb thing. Bravo my longtime LS friend:)

[goldway90]

Interesting subjet this taken from a book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft:

 

"One of the great tragedies of all forms of abuse is that the abused person can become emotionally dependent on the peretrator through a process called traumatic bonding. The assaults that an abuser makes on the woman's self-opinion, his undermining of her progress in life, the wedges he drives between her and other people, the psychological effects left on her when he turns scary - all can combine to cause her to NEED him more and more. This is a bitter psychological irony. Child abuse works in the same way; in fact, children can become MORE strongly attached to abusive parents than to nonabusive ones. Survivors of hostage-taking situations or of torture can exhibit similar effects, attempting to protect their tormentors from legal consequences, insisting that the hostage-takers actually ha their best interests at heart or even descibing them as kind and caring individuals - a phenomenon known as the Stockholm Syndrome. I saw these dynamics illustrated by a young boy who got a shock from touching an electric fence and was so frightened by it that he grabbed on to the fence for security - and wouldn't let go as each successive shock increased his panic, until his siter was able to reach him and pull him off.

 

Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least occasionally, he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy. This intermittent, and usually unpredictable, kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person, male or female, has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge of affection one might feel for the hand that offers a glass of water on a scorching day. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person. When a man stops screaming at his partner and calling her a "useless piece of *(%@" and instead offers to take her on a vacation, the typical emotional response is to feel grateful to him. When he keeps her awake badgering her for sex in the middle of the night and then finally quiets down and allows her to get some of the sleep that she so desperately craves, she feels a soothing peace from the relief of being left alone.

 

Your abusive partner's cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving. You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience the two of you have shared and are escaping from together, a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause. I commonly hear an abused woman say about her partner, 'He really knows me,' or 'No one understands me the way he does.' This may be true, but the reason he seems to undersand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions. At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it's another illusion; if he could really be empathetic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good."

 

 

And this:

 

"The trauma of chronic abuse can also make a woman develop fears of being alone at night, anxiety about her competence to manage her life on her own, and feelings of isolation from other people, especially if the abuser has driven her apart from her friends or family. All of these effects of abuse can make it much more difficult to separate from an abusive partner than a nonabusive one. The pull to reunify can therefore be great."

Edited May 27, 2015 by goldway90
typo

[jen1447]

^ Amazingly insightful.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Abusers are cowards & sociopaths at best. The show COPs is good to see how sucm like that behave.

[Phoenician]

it is much much better than an abuser who never apologize ...

 

the important to know if the abuser is really sorry