erklat Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 I have recently become very receptive to this idea. There is this girl I had a thing for in high school from almost a decade ago. We haven't seen each other since early 2007 and recently I found out my cousin was her Maid of Honor. She's now divorced and has a little girl. They are cute and by the pictures seems like they are having a blast. I'm 27, she's 25. What I'm hoping to find is straightforward and mature woman comfortable in her skin and her life that I could talk to about our Interests and being affectionate and passionate with. I don't have time for mindfncking. :/ Myself I developed a life that I enjoy, I have a job that fulfills me, learning new technologies, car and the rest that boys do in their free time. I'm not needy and I dont have a wish to indulge someone elses neediness. I don't have a problem with a child and not coming at first place. Usually people tend to put you under magnifier then and that doesn't suit me. I would be happy to see her once or twice a week and a weekend getaway every now and then. Are my expectations realistic and does someone frequenting here has any first-hand experience to pros and cons? How to approach her ? How to communicate with her ?
neowulf Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Are my expectations realistic and does someone frequenting here has any first-hand experience to pros and cons? How to approach her ? How to communicate with her ? Given they way you described it, it sounds like the appeal of a "casual girlfriend" you only have to see once or twice a week. Sure, some single mothers are into that.. for a while. But ultimately, she's going to want a partner and a proper relationship. That means having to take on the roll of a step parent. Being a father figure, etc. So, best bet, be very up front and honest about your expectations for her. Don't let her think you're chasing a relationship if really all you want it something casual. 2
carhill Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Young single mother @ 25. I'd suss out, if a meet goes well, if the father is in the picture and how she feels about that stuff. Just listen. Main thing to deal with is the child(ren) come first. No exceptions. Expect it. Yeah, everyone is different but that was one thing all single mothers I dated had in common and I dated plenty from age 25 to 40. It's not a bad thing rather IMO a good thing. Kids are important. It's something a man has to deal with, that the kids come first and they're another man's kids. Having kids can pinch finances, especially as a young single mother. A first meeting will likely tell you a lot. Keep it light and upbeat and listen. People want to tell you who they are. 1
Author erklat Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 Given they way you described it, it sounds like the appeal of a "casual girlfriend" you only have to see once or twice a week. Sure, some single mothers are into that.. for a while. But ultimately, she's going to want a partner and a proper relationship. That means having to take on the roll of a step parent. Being a father figure, etc. So, best bet, be very up front and honest about your expectations for her. Don't let her think you're chasing a relationship if really all you want it something casual. I don't mind the role. I want some phun but I want also someone bright who I can listen too. I can be that role of if she wants me to be. What I'm interested in is when go give her that information. Making plans too soon with a single will bring you come up needy. Young single mother @ 25. I'd suss out, if a meet goes well, if the father is in the picture and how she feels about that stuff. Just listen. Can you explain better what do you mean by suss out ? You mean about the possibility of her ex popping out?
neowulf Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 What I'm interested in is when go give her that information. Making plans too soon with a single will bring you come up needy. The conversation should normally evolve as the dating rolls on. With the single mother I'm currently dating, we started chatting about this stuff by about the 3rd date. She was very clear and upfront with me about what she was expecting from me. I was clear that I didn't have a lot of experience dating single mothers, but that I was willing to approach it with an open mind and be respectful of her position. Communicating your needs & expectations doesn't make you needy. Demanding that people meet your expectations makes you needy.
El Pallasso Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 You have to deal with taking care of the spawn of another man, the fact that that man might still be playing a very active role with the single mother, the fact that you will always come second to her daughter no matter what etc. Why would you want to place yourself second in position to someone else in a relationship? You will never be a priority to her while you will be forced to make her and her daughter your priority eventually because she will start pushing for a relationship. There are tons of women out there without the baggage of divorce, single parenthood and what not. Have some self worth.
Krieger Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 You have to deal with taking care of the spawn of another man, the fact that that man might still be playing a very active role with the single mother, the fact that you will always come second to her daughter no matter what etc. Why would you want to place yourself second in position to someone else in a relationship? You will never be a priority to her while you will be forced to make her and her daughter your priority eventually because she will start pushing for a relationship. There are tons of women out there without the baggage of divorce, single parenthood and what not. Have some self worth. X 1000 Also if things work out lets say and you two get married and have kids of your own you are going to love your kids way more than her kid from the other relationship. I am sorry but I know I would love my biological children way more than a child that not mine. Yes I would still be there and care for that kid and all that but it not going to be the same.
Author erklat Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 I have my own child on the way. Regarding that I'm extra open minded, I don't mind helping her if we come to a partnership. I don't think it's lack of self respect. I have a lot of that + I'm successful among my age here. I don't think of her as consolation price. I admire her for what she does rather. 1
introverted1 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 I don't think you can know if your expectations are realistic unless/until you give it a go. You have a somewhat complicated situation -- if I'm reading right, you are both single parents (will you have shared custody of your child). Given your ages, it would seem that the children involved are young, which could make even twice a week dating and the occasional weekend away difficult, unless there is a good babysitting support system in place. Why don't you take the first step and get to know her a bit and see what her r/s goals are?
carhill Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Can you explain better what do you mean by suss out ? You mean about the possibility of her ex popping out? By suss out, I'm suggesting determining in a general way how she feels about the father, how she interacts with the father and how much of a role in everyday life the father plays. I mention this because both real and legal custody arrangements have changed markedly since I was dating where, generally, the kids went to their father's every other weekend and for a few weeks during school vacation. Essentially, as an entity in the dating interactions, the father was invisible. That's not generally the case these days, though it certainly can be the case. Each familial arrangement is unique. Since you mentioned you'll be a father soon, your situation will be similarly unique. Other than the children part, dating single mothers is pretty much like dating single women, for better or worse, at least IME. Most of the women I dated were older, late 20's to late 30's and most had 2 or more children.
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