Appelette12 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I'm new to this forum, but I've read through posts with such lovely and thoughtful advice that I felt compelled to put my own concerns out there. When my ex-husband and I decided to get a divorce (finalized February after 1 year separation) I knew that there was nothing we could do to save our marriage. We'd been together for a long time and truly cared about each other (still do), but our interests became so different and our long-term desires so distinct that we couldn't sustain a life together. When we met I was 19 and he was 27. When we divorced I was 27 and he was 35. I started dating again at the end of the separation. The first person I dated was a really old friend that I'd stayed in contact with over that years. The long distance relationship fizzled very quickly -- in person non-platonic relationships are verrrry different than platonic email friendship. The second was (an is) with a man I met on an online dating site. We've been dating for the last 7 months and I'm worried that even though we've been dating a while and I dated someone briefly (for 1 month long distance) before him...that I'm not ready to do the full-fledged relationship again. Do you (and if so, how do you) tell someone that you care about (even love), that you're not quite there yet? How do I tell him that there are little things that bother me because they remind me of someone else. Or that there are a lot of bruises I didn't know were there until someone got close enough again to press them. The man I'm dating seems really great. We have the same sense of humor, he has his career in order, we like a lot of the same movies and music, he is always planning things a few months ahead for us (to go to a work party together, or meet his old friends from his hometown), wants kids, wants a dog at some point, ... but he's so much like my ex-husband that it worries me. I don't want to be in the same relationship again. It was so hard to leave that setting once. Like my ex-husband ... He really engrosses himself in computer games. It's how he relaxes and I understand it mentally, but computer games have always stressed me out. I like to watch sometimes, to see what he is enjoying, but usually it's something he'll want to do for a few hours or take a break (a day where we do our own things) to fully indulge. He is a little socially awkward. He has a kind heart, but he doesn't always know how to handle people and situations well. He often (as he notices) puts his foot in his mouth...but doesn't seem to know how to respond to peoples concerns appropriately. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm playing redirect to change the topic to something more palatable to the listener / rephrase to get the point he was making across less forcefully. He does well with my more social and outgoing friends, but I'm worried that he'll have trouble if he meets my family or if I introduce him to a group of my coworkers. Because of these worries I find myself searching for relationship advice. We don't seem to be able to talk easily about new things. We had so much to say early on, but at 7 months in it seems that we're losing steam. I can't remember what a new relationship is supposed to be like. Should we have new things to tell each other each day? Am I analyzing away something really good? Is it a red flag that the new relationship is wrong?
DoesntGetIt Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 You're further along post divorce than I am, so I can sympathize with what you're going through. The worst thing to do would be to not talk about it, to not let him know your concerns. I jumped into one relationship when I wasn't ready yet (I thought I was, but I was seriously wrong). And because we had problems ever actually talking about things, it became a mess quickly. However, that mess gave me a lot of perspective on dating again. I realized I had to be open and honest about everything, and wanted someone who could do the same. If I wasn't ready for a certain step, or making things serious, I need to be able to say so and need someone who understands that. I've met women who talk about how they're looking to get married and start families quickly, and I have to let them know I'm no where near that yet having just got out of a marriage (and I have a daughter from that). Sit him down and talk with him, just make sure you do it in the right way. Let him know how you're feeling and what you need, without trying to tell him what to do or how to do it. Let him open up as well and have a dialogue. You may not get through it all in one sitting either, talk as much as you can before one of you starts to get worn out from it and set a time to revisit it so you can both gather your thoughts. You owe it to yourself, and to him, to make sure how you're feeling, and what you're concerned about is out in the open. Now should you have new things to tell each other every day after 7 months of dating? Not really. But you should be able to sit down and discuss work, or a hobby, or the news, or a tv show, easily without needing to force it.
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