I messed up how Can i fix?

[Orije]

Hello Loveshack! I just have a problem that I will be going to tell you and I hope that your advice will help me get better or resolve the conflict. So my girlfriend is 18 and I am 20. We have now been in the relationship for 2 months. Everything in our relationship is great. I like her a lot and she likes me a lot. I do everything that i can to make her feel so much better and happy. We have the emotional, but the physical has been lacking a lot.

 

Today over Skype we were talking about joking around and she said she felt like i wasn't telling her something and kept bothering me on what it was so i was honest and told her. Whenever i touch her like put my hands on her bottom or over her chest its just to lay my hand there. She tells me to stop being so horny when I'm not. She said she jokes around, but i don't know. We had sex only twice and other than that all we do is kiss and cuddle. I told her i try being sexy or get her in the mood, but she never seems like she is interested or is physically attracted to me no matter how hard i try. She pulled her chest out on webcam and i touched myself and she said i was making it awkward.

 

I told her i wished she was a bit more physical because at the beginning of the relationship she said she had a high sex drive, would send me a sexy pic every few days and would tease me. She says she is teasing me now and i told her it doesn't feel like teasing. She said the main reason is because she is self concious about her body. She is a little chunky while she says she is fat, but in all she is beautiful. She said her not liking other people see and touch her body makes her not want to do that stuff. I told her I'm her boyfriend and i don't judge her and i like her how she is.

 

In the end, her computer died and she wouldn't answer the phone. After some rings she picked up and told me that what i said hurt her a lot and she was crying. I felt horrible and apologized telling her that i will stop over thinking things and to stop being selfish. She said she likes me for who i am and will have to get used to it. I told her don't get used to it because i was being stupid and should be my old self before i got all negative. She said she forgave me, but yeah thats what happened. Any thoughts or advice? Thank you

[Lansing]

Based on what you said I don't think you did anything wrong. It was healthy communication. I have had situations like this with girls in the past where it felt like I always had to be the one to make physical moves.. Even stuff like holding hands... Or like hugs/kissing... and felt like sometimes the girl was "cold"... I am not even talking about getting into bed but just early stages.... When you feel like a girl isn't into you that way you start to doubt if a girl is actually interested or in the relationship for other reasons...

 

If I was in your situation I would want the girl to acknowledge my comments and try to make an effort to make me feel like she is into things... From my perspective it sounds like she was guilt tripping you for sharing your emotions/thoughts.... I wouldn't apologize for sharing what is on your mind. Otherwise, you will be walking around on egg shells whenever something comes up that you want to talk to her about.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I don't see where you messed up. You were trying to make her feel good about herself and show her that you appreciate and are attracted to her body. I don't understand what you said that hurt her so much (and I'm a woman too) What were you referring to when told her you were being stupid? What is it that she forgave you for, exactly?

 

I think she's got some serious insecurities and she doesn't know how to deal with them. Something is holding her back from re-igniting the physical aspect of the relationship. I think you don't need to apologize any further, because I don't see how you really committed a faux-pas in the first place, unless I'm missing something.

[Orije]

No I don't believe I left anything out. I apologized for making her feel horrible, but I told her I was just being honest and for me to understand, she would need to talk to me instead of bring quiet. I treat her perfectly and I don't ask much from her. Usually when I ask for a blowjob she says no or is tired. Maybe it is because she is on her period that she got emotional?

 

She is a sweet girl so I felt bad when she told me she cried and everything. That's why I felt stupid and apologized. I thought I was over thinking it too much because I have a high sex drive. I might have to wait until summer so she can come to my place because we can't do much at hers. She did bring up that we could have sex outside on her trail and when I brought it up she said no.

 

I want to stay positive because I really like her, but if she continues to lack the physical it would put a strain on me. I just want things to work out and also the last time she was in a relationship was a year ago and that was the last time she said she had sex. Thank you

[ExpatInItaly]

No I don't believe I left anything out. I apologized for making her feel horrible, but I told her I was just being honest and for me to understand, she would need to talk to me instead of bring quiet. I treat her perfectly and I don't ask much from her. Usually when I ask for a blowjob she says no or is tired. Maybe it is because she is on her period that she got emotional?

 

She is a sweet girl so I felt bad when she told me she cried and everything. That's why I felt stupid and apologized. I thought I was over thinking it too much because I have a high sex drive. I might have to wait until summer so she can come to my place because we can't do much at hers. She did bring up that we could have sex outside on her trail and when I brought it up she said no.

 

I want to stay positive because I really like her, but if she continues to lack the physical it would put a strain on me. I just want things to work out and also the last time she was in a relationship was a year ago and that was the last time she said she had sex. Thank you

 

I'm sorry, but I think she's being a bit dramatic. As I said, I'm a woman too and I know how it felt to be an insecure teenager. But if she's making you feel this guilty for a relatively benign comment, can you imagine how things will be when you two confront more serious issues? She needs to respect that you had no negative intentions and not project her issues on to you. It creates an unhealthy dynamic that will always leave you walking on eggshells.

 

As for the physical aspect, I think you will need to have an honest, non-confrontation talk with her. If she was physical in the beginning and is now pulling back, something is amiss. She may be realizing she's just not ready yet. When you initiate and she turns you down, does she give you a reason?

[Orije]

Everything is all better now. To answer your question, whenever she turns me down she just says not now or for me to stop being horny. Yesterday we went to a fair and I met all her friends and we cuddled under the fireworks. Today i went to spend memorial day with her family. We were both happy and had a wonderful time. For some reason I had this thought in my mind that I hope she still doesn't dislike me after that night. I want to say sorry, but I feel like I don't have to because i was honest and speaking my mind.

 

She is coming over to my place more over the summer so we can have more privacy. I will see if her sex drive increases then, because we can't do much at her house since we're always in the living room. I want to know she is happy with me and still likes me a lot, but its weird to ask her. I guess its just me and I will hope for the best!

[ExpatInItaly]

Everything is all better now. To answer your question, whenever she turns me down she just says not now or for me to stop being horny. Yesterday we went to a fair and I met all her friends and we cuddled under the fireworks. Today i went to spend memorial day with her family. We were both happy and had a wonderful time. For some reason I had this thought in my mind that I hope she still doesn't dislike me after that night. I want to say sorry, but I feel like I don't have to because i was honest and speaking my mind.

 

She is coming over to my place more over the summer so we can have more privacy. I will see if her sex drive increases then, because we can't do much at her house since we're always in the living room. I want to know she is happy with me and still likes me a lot, but its weird to ask her. I guess its just me and I will hope for the best!

 

No, don't apologize. It will make you look weak and enable her behaviour. I maintain that you really had nothing to apologize for.

 

And don't ask her if she really likes you. Time will tell. See if the intimacy increases but don't be insistent. I have a feeling she's just not ready for it yet.

[kenmore]

Normally I would be the last person to say this but it's nagging in my brain to let it out. I was always trying to be the nice understanding guy, always listening to my wife's day, understanding her, comforting her, all good things, right?

 

Well, what I have heard is wrong! That if a guy acts nice and understanding, he's considered by the woman to be a pussy and they lose respect.

 

Now trust me when I tell you I'm no expert (which is why I'm here posting in the divorce section) but then i did enjoy a wonderful 17 year marriage to my first wife before she died. I can't say I'm a total idiot regarding women.

 

While I get the notion that many women can't respect a nice guy, I don't by any stretch think that's universal. Nothing is. It does give one reason to pause though when one finds himself apologizing for hurts he did not commit. None of us here including yourself can pinpoint anything you did wrong and make no mistake, it will happen again. You do need to figure this out and deal with it, it's not something that is "history."

 

All that said, it's quite possible you said or eluded to something that you don't recognize as something bad (especially at your young age) that she took to heart, and if so, you did not communicate it to us. If that's the case, she may have a legitimate grievance and it would be good for you to figure it out, especially since she can and will use it against you when you need it the least! The best way to do this is spend some time refelcting on the conversation and see if you can figure out what it may be. The worst way is to ask her because you will most likely not only not get an answer, but she will be angry with you for not knowing!! (welcome to women's psych 101 LOL!)

 

Beyond that advice, all I guess I can say to you is good luck bud! See you here next time!

 

Ken

[Orije]

Thank you everyone for your advice! Everything seems to be great. This caught me off guard and it was out of nowhere, but while I was at work I got a text from my girlfriend. She was saying how much she missed me and was thinking of me.

 

She talked about how much her friends said they were jealous of how cute we are. She was also saying how horny she was for me and how much she wants me to touch and kiss her. I was so surprised because I only got a text like that when we were first dating.

 

I have little trust issues from past relationships before, but I trust her 100%. I have to take time and get the negative thoughts out of my head because a bad mind will ruin a relationship.