gaius Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 There's normally one partner who likes the other more than vice versa, and you just play one role in the first and the other in the second. 1
kenmore Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 ...Of course other men are just being "adult", and are entering such relationships, thinking that the woman is "adult" too and that it is all just about sex... I'm not sure what being adult has to do with trodding on someone's feelings. Sure I guess as we get older we get thicker skin and learn what we can "get away with", but knowing what one can get away with and doing it are two different things. 45 yo men will all have emotional baggage... Now that's for sure! As I was reading katiegrl's post a thought formed....and up until his 7 day hiatus and subsequent behavior thereafter, his ACTIONS indicated they were dating....NOT just FWB. What was he up to during those seven days? Mandi, you never said he told you it was a FWB relationship, you just said apparently it was. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe he met someone else during that time and it changed how he was feeling. When in the timeline did this occur? Was it near the end? 2
kenmore Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 ...and for the record, I would have assumed the relationship was serious too, I wouldn't have had the conversation. Maybe because my mind doesn't work that way. I think if I was in a relationship with all that non-sex stuff, my mind wouldn't even go to FWB. Maybe I'm naive too. 4
Author confusedmandi Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 I'm not sure what being adult has to do with trodding on someone's feelings. Sure I guess as we get older we get thicker skin and learn what we can "get away with", but knowing what one can get away with and doing it are two different things. Now that's for sure! As I was reading katiegrl's post a thought formed. What was he up to during those seven days? Mandi, you never said he told you it was a FWB relationship, you just said apparently it was. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe he met someone else during that time and it changed how he was feeling. When in the timeline did this occur? Was it near the end? I have no idea. Supposedly he was busy working and remodeling his house. But it takes five seconds to txt someone. No he never came out and said it was Fwb. I'm a fan of letting things progress naturally. And we seemed to be moving forward getting closer etc til that shock of him ignoring me. It happened Immediately after the best night we ever had. Just boom. So if he met someone else he would have done so before that night and if he did that y be so sweet and affectionate that night? I sent him a txt the next morning which he did not respond to for seven days! I doubt he left my bed then hours later slept with a new girl and if he did then y ever contact me again? We were in the dating phase still trying to decide if we r compatible and want to be committed. I wasn't hammering him about being my boyfriend because we were exclusive so what's the rush? But yes I wondered if there was someone else or if he just didn't like me anymore but it was so quick. Like best night ever then bam like a light switch just totally dark. I'm not looking to get back with him. His friend said she's heard women he dates say he goes from hot to cold. So maybe it's his issue. I don't understand all the ppl saying I should have known he was just Fwb because I didn't demand answers as to him being my boyfriend. We were dating! My point of confusion is first guy invested all this time and effort. Second guy think he loves me but has invested no time or effort 1
jgirl8 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I dont agree with people who told you you should have clarified things with him in the beginning in addition to having the exclusivity talk. You were dating and there was nothing to suggest that he didnt see it the same way. Something must have happened or changed ( maybe within him) but i dont think you did anything wrong. Hopefully the next one wont be so flaky! 2
preraph Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Are both these guys taking you out on the town on dates? The one who isn't, it's just sex for him. You're right, though, neither of these guys is right for you. But you need to stop even thinking about doing FWB. Men are not out there cultivating FWB arrangements in order to fall in love and get married to those women. They downgrade them for that. 1
kenmore Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Yeah, I gather it's over with first guy (maybe both) so it's academic now but it's not academic in the sense that it can and will affect how you react in the future. I understand you would like answers and you may never get them, but for what it's worth, here's my potential scenario, obviously I have no idea if it's right: He was into you and you him. One day he's out and meets another woman and arranges a date. That same evening he's with you and you two have a great time together but he's thinking hmm...I wonder what that other chick's like. Guess I'll find out tomorrow when I meet her. Things go well, they kinda hit it off. He's thinking he can't handle lying to you so he says nothing at all. They enjoy some time together then it ends a week later. Suddenly...he's back! Meanwhile though, he had fun with the other woman and is not sure he wants to go back to the way it was. Your relationship is changed and you two break up. You said he's hot and cold. Maybe he was hot with someone else then went cold or maybe he's hot and cold because he's not honest and sneaks around. As I said, it makes no real difference now other than how you are affected. Therefore my advice to you is to make sure you don't let this experience turn you off to guys in general because we're not all dicks, learn from it (maybe "the talk" will happen next time (I'm learning too)), and don't let this affect a future quality relationship. As long as you learned something valuable and it doesn't make you "damaged goods", no harm done other than a broken heart and we all know how those feel. I'm truly sorry. Hugs! Ken 2
katiegrl Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Yeah, I gather it's over with first guy (maybe both) so it's academic now but it's not academic in the sense that it can and will affect how you react in the future. I understand you would like answers and you may never get them, but for what it's worth, here's my potential scenario, obviously I have no idea if it's right: He was into you and you him. One day he's out and meets another woman and arranges a date. That same evening he's with you and you two have a great time together but he's thinking hmm...I wonder what that other chick's like. Guess I'll find out tomorrow when I meet her. Things go well, they kinda hit it off. He's thinking he can't handle lying to you so he says nothing at all. They enjoy some time together then it ends a week later. Suddenly...he's back! Meanwhile though, he had fun with the other woman and is not sure he wants to go back to the way it was. Your relationship is changed and you two break up. You said he's hot and cold. Maybe he was hot with someone else then went cold or maybe he's hot and cold because he's not honest and sneaks around. As I said, it makes no real difference now other than how you are affected. Therefore my advice to you is to make sure you don't let this experience turn you off to guys in general because we're not all dicks, learn from it (maybe "the talk" will happen next time (I'm learning too)), and don't let this affect a future quality relationship. As long as you learned something valuable and it doesn't make you "damaged goods", no harm done other than a broken heart and we all know how those feel. I'm truly sorry. Hugs! Ken ^^Either that or he just a commitment phobe who pulled back after a night of getting really close.. Pretty typical behavior for a commitment phobe. Hot/cold, push/pull....immediately after getting close...like they did on last night together. I vote for that...which means if you leave him alone, he will be back, with guns blazing no doubt. 1
Emilia Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I think the thread just shows how pointless it is to insist on labels for everything. The first guy could have called this a relationship and still come up with an excuse to duck responsibility. My guess is that he was interested in something in the beginning but by disappearing and calling it not serious he basically broke up with the OP. I think that men are very good at creating boundaries and making it clear that they want to keep their distance, they don't tend to engage in the lovey-dovey stuff if they find it tiresome. I think guy #1 changed his mind for whatever reason, apparently he has a reputation for hot and cold, it would be interesting to know whether he has ever had a long term relationship or whether he is always keen to leave as it starts getting deeper. As for guy #2 and the OP's jumping into rebound sex so quickly... Like tends to attract like. The fact that you have two extremes in such short space of time and the fact that you OP have behaved in such unpredictable way makes me think that you have emotional issues, especially after a divorce. There is always a reason for dysfunctional dynamics between two people. 2
Author confusedmandi Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 ^^Either that or he just a commitment phobe who pulled back after a night of getting really close.. Pretty typical behavior for a commitment phobe. Hot/cold, push/pull....immediately after getting close...like they did on last night together. I vote for that...which means if you leave him alone, he will be back, with guns blazing no doubt. Funny u say this. I have no idea if u r right.. He was married so who knows.. But he was fine seemed really into me especially that night. Then boom. Gone. I decided I'm done with him. I haven't txt him at all and he keeps texting me. I responded but not with much. Friday and yesterday he's texted me a lot. Never asks to hang out but is messaging me alot. Like u said.. I ignore him or act uninterested and he puts some effort into contacting me. Not that it matters cuz I'm. Done.
katiegrl Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Funny u say this. I have no idea if u r right.. He was married so who knows.. But he was fine seemed really into me especially that night. Then boom. Gone. I decided I'm done with him. I haven't txt him at all and he keeps texting me. I responded but not with much. Friday and yesterday he's texted me a lot. Never asks to hang out but is messaging me alot. Like u said.. I ignore him or act uninterested and he puts some effort into contacting me. Not that it matters cuz I'm. Done. That is the correct response.....good job! I wish all women were as smart as you......(and me too of course)! Perhaps if they were, less men would pull that crap.... As it stands now, when men pull back, women start chasing....which is the WRONG message and only encourages (and rewards) the bad behavior..... ugh. 1
No Limit Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 He was married so who knows.. Why did I already think this was the case just from reading the entry post? How can you expect anything but hot and cold when you're just the OW anyway?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Wow.. They're called condoms. And the 21st century. Even with condoms, women should still be careful of who they bed. 1
guest569 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Even with condoms, women should still be careful of who they bed. Yes, as should men. 2
kenmore Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Why did I already think this was the case just from reading the entry post? How can you expect anything but hot and cold when you're just the OW anyway? I was wondering about that when I first read that too, but then I figured she meant he was married at some time in the past, thus not a commitment-o-phobe. I don't think she meant he's currently married. Mandi?
joseb Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Well he ignored me for the next seven days! No contact at all. Then finally txt me. Just curious, what did he say when he finally contacted you? And did you text him and he ignored you during that time, or was it no contact on either side during the seven days?
Author confusedmandi Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 Why did I already think this was the case just from reading the entry post? How can you expect anything but hot and cold when you're just the OW anyway? Wtf. I'm not an of. He Was married. As in the past. He's divorced. Someone mentioned maybe he's afraid of commitment. Try reading the thread before u make assumptions. How I was pointing out he has had a long term relationship before. I swear some ppl ate just on this forum to criticize ppl.
Author confusedmandi Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 I was wondering about that when I first read that too, but then I figured she meant he was married at some time in the past, thus not a commitment-o-phobe. I don't think she meant he's currently married. Mandi? You are correct. He was married in the past. Been divorced for thirteen years
Author confusedmandi Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 Just curious, what did he say when he finally contacted you? And did you text him and he ignored you during that time, or was it no contact on either side during the seven days? When he finally contacted me he started off with an inside joke. Just something funny between the two of us and basically acted like he hadn't just ignored me for a week. After our great night I txt him the next morning as I usually did. Just said hope u have fun working on ur house this weekend. He never responded and I never text him again after no response.
katiegrl Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 You are correct. He was married in the past. Been divorced for thirteen years Believe it or not, just cause he was married does NOT mean he is not a commitment phobe. He is divorced after all (not saying all divorced people are commitment phobes... not at all).... But you don't know what his marriage was like....it could have been an open marriage, or he cheated, and/or wife allowed him a lot of freedom, who knows? Google commitment phobia...you will be surprised how many commitment phobes DO get married....then get divorced vowing NEVER again to get married.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 As it stands now, when men pull back, women start chasing....which is the WRONG message and only encourages (and rewards) the bad behavior..... ugh. It's funny. I actually like pursuing and initiating communication. But only if she is consistent in her response. If I send a text or call/leave a voice mail and she doesn't get back to me, I stop reaching out. So if a woman likes to play hard to get, she finds out really fast that I don't waste my time on that crap. Example - Have seen this woman four times over the past few weeks. We had a great date night together. So the next morning, I shot a follow up text. She responded. Then I said that I'd call her "soon" to make plans. She said "OK". Then as a joke on the word "soon", I waited ten minutes and called her. If she had answered, I was going to say 'Looks like soon is here already" and would have made plans with her. But she didn't answer. So I said as much in my voice mail that soon was here, we'd make plans when she got back to me, etc... That was three days ago and nothing. While I do like her and see potential, I take things at face value. So I have no intention of ever contacting her again. 1
katiegrl Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 It's funny. I actually like pursuing and initiating communication. But only if she is consistent in her response. If I send a text or call/leave a voice mail and she doesn't get back to me, I stop reaching out. So if a woman likes to play hard to get, she finds out really fast that I don't waste my time on that crap. Example - Have seen this woman four times over the past few weeks. We had a great date night together. So the next morning, I shot a follow up text. She responded. Then I said that I'd call her "soon" to make plans. She said "OK". Then as a joke on the word "soon", I waited ten minutes and called her. If she had answered, I was going to say 'Looks like soon is here already" and would have made plans with her. But she didn't answer. So I said as much in my voice mail that soon was here, we'd make plans when she got back to me, etc... That was three days ago and nothing. While I do like her and see potential, I take things at face value. So I have no intention of ever contacting her again. Wow, your luck with women lately sucks! Anyhoo...like the OP, your response to her silence was the correct one. Unfortunately, there are many people who become completely unhinged when someone they've been dating pulls back or goes silent...and they respond by chasing....which only makes it worse no doubt.
JJCaliGirl Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Example - Have seen this woman four times over the past few weeks. We had a great date night together. So the next morning, I shot a follow up text. She responded. Then I said that I'd call her "soon" to make plans. She said "OK". Then as a joke on the word "soon", I waited ten minutes and called her. If she had answered, I was going to say 'Looks like soon is here already" and would have made plans with her. But she didn't answer. So I said as much in my voice mail that soon was here, we'd make plans when she got back to me, etc... That was three days ago and nothing. While I do like her and see potential, I take things at face value. So I have no intention of ever contacting her again. Fitnessfan, is this the executive? I hope it's not because I've been silently rooting for her since she seemed to be able to keep up with you! Do you know if she had a busy weekend planned with the holiday? Maybe there's still hope from a reply from her.
kenmore Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 ...So I said as much in my voice mail that soon was here, we'd make plans when she got back to me, etc... That was three days ago and nothing. While I do like her and see potential, I take things at face value. So I have no intention of ever contacting her again. While I'm no fan of head games, I don't think I would have put her on the sh*t list just because of that. Maybe she didn't understand that you are waiting for her to call you. Maybe she's waiting for you to call her because that was more or less how it was left. I don't care for being ignored either, but I usually try to give the benefit of the doubt as long as it's not a habit. Also, a standoff is a head game too. I'd call her and make that date. 2
mightycpa Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 What is wrong with men? I believe that from a woman's perspective, is that those you think the most of generally think with our dicks. So that really begs the question... what's wrong with whom? 1
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