Ninjainpajamas Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I don't know why women think that a man can't behave like this or that in a FWB...women who know nothing about men somehow know the rules they abide be, it's baffling. Women who read into men's behaviors to interpret commitment are foolish and belong in highschool...and who told you that he's falling for you, your idiot girlfriends? let me guess. You're 35 and yet you're confused about a very simple process, the guy doesn't want anything serious with you, he just wanted to enjoy that so called "quality time" and sex with you..but it's not a long-term thing, he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. The second guys is just your run of the mill basic clinger, who thinks because he had sex with a girl she's the most amazing thing ever and it's apart of his game to swoon you. And this whole "we don't have to talk about exclusivity"...can you possibly make any more mistakes? Look go with the second guy and maybe things will just be as elementary as you would hope them to be. Very basic straight-forward and idiot proof. 6
aloneinaz Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 So, first guy won't commit, is good looking, good in the sack and disappears for a week at a time before reappearing again? Um yea, you're clearly one of his heard of FWB's. Please don't think your the only girl getting the deep, meaningful conversations with, while he's fondling your hair.. Maybe I'm different but after a few weeks of dating a girl, a CONVERSATION always take place instigated by me or her on where we are and what this means. I've never dated a girl over a month without a clear, concise understanding of where we stood. 2
Author confusedmandi Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 We did talk about being exclusive. We agreed to it. I had no idea Fwb did this too. I know nothing about Fwb. The title of the thread isn't meant to be an insult to all u men in general. It's just the thought that went thru my head when guy two told me he loves me. So I used it as, the title. Didn't mean to offend anyone. Simply put I doubt I will ever hang out with guy number one again. But if I were to list the way each guy treated me I would have guessed the first guy cared about me more than crazy quick I love you guy. Here's the lists. Guy one helped me remodel my basement. Cooked me dinner. Always calls or texts(till he ignored me for seven days) put alot of effort into sex making sure I felt good and that it lasted along time. Wanted me to spend the night. Sees me before he goes to work and doesn't want me to leave til he does always wanted to spend alot of time with me. After sex lays naked and talks for two to four hours. Last time he was really sweet and played with my hair while talking. Takes me out on dates. Always tells me his work schedule. Loves me touching him. Always tried to make me laugh. When he was with me he never wanted to leave. Seemed like he genuinely enjoyed my company. That's y his weird attitude change was so hurtful and confusing. Guy number two. We txt a few times. Had sex. Wasn't thst great. First time proly lasted three minutes. Didn't make effort to prolong it. Has never done one thing for me and has never invited me to dinner. We talk on phone once in awhile about nothing. After sex he kisses me and get up and gets dressed. We rarely talk anytime. He's never suggested we go anywhere. That behavior screams Fwb to me. The first guy not at all. That's y I'm like wtf. Guy I barely know thinks he's in love with me and guy I felt I was in a relationship with could care less. Wtf lol
Photofinish Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Just stop having sex with all these random men and wait a few months.... Geez. 10
Author confusedmandi Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 Not all women will stick around when a guy tells them he isn't interested in actually being with them. Sure, he could probably find a new girl, but she might not fall for his crap. You seem to be cool with it. I have not seen him since. So I'm not sticking around. We had the exclusive talk. We were by most definitions.. Dating. He's the one who got all close then disappeared for a week. I haven't seen him since and have no plans. Maybe I just move slower emotionally than others but I think a month is kind of fast to be someone's gf. I'm saying idk y he would put so much effort just for sex. It's not like he's unattractive. He could get on tinder and have a new girl every week. Plenty of ppl who just want a hook up. No need for wasting time and money and all that talking and affection.
Author confusedmandi Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 What's with all the slut shaming on this board? I've slept with less than ten ppl In my life. Didn't sleep with anyone for six months after divorce. He'll hadn't had sex in over a year and a half. Yes I slept with three guys since but the only one that was random was the I love you guy. Other two were guys I met and got to know. It's part of dating 1
guest569 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 With the prevalence of STDs, and the fact that you're a woman, you should make better sound decisions when it comes to bedding people. If you are dating for commitment, know that, as a woman, you have the upperhand in withholding sex until you can weed out jerks. Wow.. They're called condoms. And the 21st century. 2
Omei Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 That's an awful lot of work just to get laid. Most guys have no interest in talking for four hours after having sex. He's an attractive guy. He could score a date online and hook up with someone for quick sex with a lot less time and effort Not all guys are in and outs some guys really like it when the girl fancy's them wants them and they will play the role of sweet guy for you so you'll keep coming back. I learned the hard way with the first guy I ever slept with went on for 4 months before I finally realized he he was never gonna make me his gf. 1
aloneinaz Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I haven't seen him since and have no plans. Oh, you'd see him again if the opportunity presents itself. Who you kidding
kenmore Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 What's with all the slut shaming on this board? I've slept with less than ten ppl In my life. Didn't sleep with anyone for six months after divorce. He'll hadn't had sex in over a year and a half. Yes I slept with three guys since but the only one that was random was the I love you guy. Other two were guys I met and got to know. It's part of dating I have to agree with Mandi here. WTF? She comes here looking for advice and help and all people can do is slam her? We all have things in life we are not happy with. If people knew how much BS I put up with from my wife they would tell me how much of an idiot I was but I loved her and I don't give a sh*t what anyone thinks. Mandi was looking for advice and guidance and all she got was crap. If it was me, I'd never bother again. Her life's choices are her own and it's not up for judgement. Either give advice, comfort or shut the F*ck up! Personally I feel she was treated very unfairly. I'm sure all of you have perfectly clean lives with no urges. I'm sure you all communicate perfectly with commas in all the right places. I'm ashamed of my alumni. This is supposed to be a support group. Ken 8
kenmore Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 ...and for the record, I slept with four women between my first wife dying and meeting my second wife. This is a span of a year and a half. I wouldn't take any of it back if someone paid me for it! I don't know how it will go this time but I'm not gonna sit around like a sack of potatoes crying into my Pepsi. I hope to find a good meaningful relationship right away, but that's wishful thinking. Most likely it will be after about three or four failed relationships like last time. It is part of dating, and honestly, it's a good part! If relationships were easy, everyone would be doing it. If anyone wants to attack someone, attack me. I'm up for a good fight anyway. ken 2
Natalie8 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 We did talk about being exclusive. We agreed to it. I had no idea Fwb did this too. I know nothing about Fwb. The title of the thread isn't meant to be an insult to all u men in general. It's just the thought that went thru my head when guy two told me he loves me. So I used it as, the title. Didn't mean to offend anyone. Simply put I doubt I will ever hang out with guy number one again. But if I were to list the way each guy treated me I would have guessed the first guy cared about me more than crazy quick I love you guy. Here's the lists. Guy one helped me remodel my basement. Cooked me dinner. Always calls or texts(till he ignored me for seven days) put alot of effort into sex making sure I felt good and that it lasted along time. Wanted me to spend the night. Sees me before he goes to work and doesn't want me to leave til he does always wanted to spend alot of time with me. After sex lays naked and talks for two to four hours. Last time he was really sweet and played with my hair while talking. Takes me out on dates. Always tells me his work schedule. Loves me touching him. Always tried to make me laugh. When he was with me he never wanted to leave. Seemed like he genuinely enjoyed my company. That's y his weird attitude change was so hurtful and confusing. Guy number two. We txt a few times. Had sex. Wasn't thst great. First time proly lasted three minutes. Didn't make effort to prolong it. Has never done one thing for me and has never invited me to dinner. We talk on phone once in awhile about nothing. After sex he kisses me and get up and gets dressed. We rarely talk anytime. He's never suggested we go anywhere. That behavior screams Fwb to me. The first guy not at all. That's y I'm like wtf. Guy I barely know thinks he's in love with me and guy I felt I was in a relationship with could care less. Wtf lol I read most of the threads here but very rarely post..this time however i felt compelled to do so because i feel some of the guys here were quite harsh and unfair ( Ninjainpijamas saying girls who interpret guys' behaviour and are confused by a simple process belong to high school! I dont mean to be sarcastic, i honestly dont know what you mean by girls being confused by a simple process. If the guy well and truly acted like he cared about her, was consistent and spent quality time with her then why was she so wrong to interpret it as the whole thing leading to a relationship. As a guy you could shed some insight but please do so without hurtful comments such as 'girls belong to high school'.) Confusedmandi, I would be confused too. And here on this board we are often reminded to pay attention to more of how a guy acts than to what he says. I dont see any red flag in his behaviour - up intil the 7day radio silence- that indicates that he only wanted fwb. Yes, the no label thing is a red flag but up until then everything else seems fine. I wouldnt have thought that a guy who takes you on dates, cookes you dinner, consintently texts and spends time with you could be classed as fwb. He seemed to put too much effort into it. I agree with you. It makes no sense. And the whole 'talk' is so forced and although i understand it is necessary to have it but i would have thought that if you agreed to exclusivity then spelling it out that you are not into fwb setup is not necessary especially if his behaviour doesnt suggest that only thats what he was after. It just wouldnt occur to me to clarify that. So i guess i can join the club 4
loveweary11 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 So I thought I was starting to date a guy whose ten years older than me because we saw each other once a week had great sex talked for hours after and talked and txt alot. Well turns out we r basically friends with benefits. So I slept with this other guy as a rebound.. He's my age.. And we only slept together twice and I would consider him like Fwb not dating and we saw each other for twenty minutes yesterday no sex involved and when he kissed me goodbye he whispers I love you!! Wtf!! We have known eachother maybe three weeks. He wants to call me his gf. Yet the man I've spent the night with at his house taken showers with and had long amazing sex with for the last four months doesn't consider us dating? I don't get it.. How can a guy say I love you so quickly!! I actually let out this nervous laugh when he said it. I don't understand men. Two different extremes Very simple... The older guy was looking for FWB. The other guy is looking for a girlfriend. Nothing other than what is un their minds defines what they see you as, unfortunately. 3
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Very simple... The older guy was looking for FWB. The other guy is looking for a girlfriend. Nothing other than what is on their minds defines what they see you as, unfortunately. Good point.
Natalie8 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Very simple... The older guy was looking for FWB. The other guy is looking for a girlfriend. Nothing other than what is un their minds defines what they see you as, unfortunately. Isnt fwb only about meeting up for sex when it is convenient for both parties. Would you as a guy refer to dates as dates, ( and go on those dates)cook dinner for a girl, text and talk about non sex related stuff if you only wanted fwb. Im not the op but i could quite easily be. As in i would be similarly confused and hurt if a guy did all of this and then turned around to say he only wanted fwb. Does it mean that we should always assume to worst even the behaviour has no red flags? Isnt that being paranoid? 3
LadyDeadpool Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 How is it that teenagers know to DTR (Define the Relationship) and yet is adults on this board seem to be having such a hard time about it. You say he acted like a boyfriend etc, but there will always be people (not just men) who won't make a real commitment until they've TOLD you they are committed. Going forward just always DTR. Saves time and sets clear boundaries. You can't assume that what worked for other relationships will work the new ones. Oh and dump them both. The first guy doesn't seem worth the effort and you are obviously freaked out by the second.
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Isnt fwb only about meeting up for sex when it is convenient for both parties. Would you as a guy refer to dates as dates, ( and go on those dates)cook dinner for a girl, text and talk about non sex related stuff if you only wanted fwb. Im not the op but i could quite easily be. As in i would be similarly confused and hurt if a guy did all of this and then turned around to say he only wanted fwb. Does it mean that we should always assume to worst even the behaviour has no red flags? Isnt that being paranoid? I think that when Mandi was dating in her 20s, she could have safely assumed he was in it for the long haul, acting the way he did. BUT he is 45 and in the modern world, many know what they can get with little effort on their part. These men know how to play women and realises they don't have to put a ring on the finger, or profess undying love, to get what they want, ie uncomplicated sex and a bit of companionship/intimacy on their terms. Many men like this can also be bitter or burnt or angry with women so do not really respect women and some are happy to have got one over on an unsuspecting woman too. Of course other men are just being "adult", and are entering such relationships, thinking that the woman is "adult" too and that it is all just about sex. Of course guy #1 may have a thing about getting too close also, so once it got more serious, he was off... He may not have been deliberately deceitful, he just couldn't handle it. He may just not have been feeling it. 45 yo men will all have emotional baggage, so it is best to communicate well early doors and look at actions too, to try and second guess motives and avoid getting hurt 3
katiegrl Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 (edited) Isnt fwb only about meeting up for sex when it is convenient for both parties. Would you as a guy refer to dates as dates, ( and go on those dates)cook dinner for a girl, text and talk about non sex related stuff if you only wanted fwb. Im not the op but i could quite easily be. As in i would be similarly confused and hurt if a guy did all of this and then turned around to say he only wanted fwb. Does it mean that we should always assume to worst even the behaviour has no red flags? Isnt that being paranoid? Natalie, between ^^this and your previous...you are making some great points! Yes we women are always being advised to pay attention to actions, and up until his 7 day hiatus and subsequent behavior thereafter, his ACTIONS indicated they were dating....NOT just FWB. After his hiatus, the OP has pulled back, as well she should! She is doing all the right things.... Edited May 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Popsicle Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Very simple... The older guy was looking for FWB. The other guy is looking for a girlfriend. Nothing other than what is un their minds defines what they see you as, unfortunately. Yes this is very important. His actions tell you how he sees you. You can also ask him (which you did) and if you don't like how he thinks, then just tell him it's not working for you and move on. 1
anna121 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Only going off first 2 pages but it is also possible first guy did intend something serious and then his feelings simply changed. It's definitely prudent to hang off on sex until you get to know someone a bit better, but it's hardly a guarantee he won't meet someone else he likes better, or just find stuff in you that doesn't float his boat after all. Where he is a completely and utter rat bastard is in ignoring you for seven days. For me, that would be an absolute deal-breaker unless I only wanted him for sex. 2
PogoStick Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 It meant he liked you enough to do those date type things but he's not interested in commitment. If you never discussed what the two of you wanted out of your relationship then you have to accept responsibility for that. On the other hand, if he gave you all this talk about wanting something with you and then pulled the switcheroo then he was a jerk about it. I'm guessing you suspected that he didn't want a full on relationship. You avoided the discussion so you could live in the fantasy for a while.
anna121 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I'm guessing you suspected that he didn't want a full on relationship. You avoided the discussion so you could live in the fantasy for a while. And what, exactly, in the OP's post suggests this? I'm with Nathalie and a few others - this board has gotten incredibly judge-y. 1
Timshel Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I don't know why women think that a man can't behave like this or that in a FWB...women who know nothing about men somehow know the rules they abide be, it's baffling. Women who read into men's behaviors to interpret commitment are foolish and belong in highschool...and who told you that he's falling for you, your idiot girlfriends? let me guess. You're 35 and yet you're confused about a very simple process, the guy doesn't want anything serious with you, he just wanted to enjoy that so called "quality time" and sex with you..but it's not a long-term thing, he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. The second guys is just your run of the mill basic clinger, who thinks because he had sex with a girl she's the most amazing thing ever and it's apart of his game to swoon you. And this whole "we don't have to talk about exclusivity"...can you possibly make any more mistakes? Look go with the second guy and maybe things will just be as elementary as you would hope them to be. Very basic straight-forward and idiot proof. So (2) well said. (8)
William Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Folks, let's have a peaceful Sunday and leave the thread starter to decide which postings they find counterproductive and use the 'alert us' button to advise us of that. In the meantime, since we all know this forum can find plenty of things wrong with men, let's get back to that. Thanks! 2
Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 So I thought I was starting to date a guy whose ten years older than me because we saw each other once a week had great sex talked for hours after and talked and txt alot. Well turns out we r basically friends with benefits. So I slept with this other guy as a rebound.. He's my age.. And we only slept together twice and I would consider him like Fwb not dating and we saw each other for twenty minutes yesterday no sex involved and when he kissed me goodbye he whispers I love you!! Wtf!! We have known eachother maybe three weeks. He wants to call me his gf. Yet the man I've spent the night with at his house taken showers with and had long amazing sex with for the last four months doesn't consider us dating? I don't get it.. How can a guy say I love you so quickly!! I actually let out this nervous laugh when he said it. I don't understand men. Two different extremes What is it that you want? Do you want to date with the goal of having a long-term committed relationship or casual/FWB? When you know what YOU want, you have a conversation early on in a dating scenario to determine if that person is on the same page in the long run for themselves. It's just a casual conversation. YOu simply make a statement to say something like "I'm looking for a long term relationship for myself". And, then, let them talk. If they say they want the same thing, you date them for a bit, observe their words and actions to determine whether or not they are serious about what they've said. If they are consistent with communication and setting up proper dates, etc. then you move forward until you both know that you want that with each other. This is not about ALL men, it's just a couple that you've met. The guy who said he loved you so quickly, does probably want a long-term relationship but goes into instant relationship mode. I'm willing to bet that the first guy somewhere along the line in 4 months said things or did things that told you it was FWB but you didn't "hear" them. Just because an FWB cuddles, talks, strokes you hair, doesn't mean they feel they are dating you, it just means they like to cuddle, talk, and stroke your hair. When you started to realize this wasn't what you thought, you should have simply communicated with him. Of course, when you are younger and dating, it kinda just becomes boyfriend and girlfriend without communicating that because when you are younger, you aren't thinking about all the things that you do when you are older. Older people have been through the mill and get clearer in their heads about what having a relationship really means. And, decide to seek a relationship or be casual. By the time you're older, usually, you know what does and doesn't work for you. The other possibility with the FWB guy, is that in the beginning he "thought" he wanted to date you with the possibility of a relationship, but as time passed, he decided you weren't really what he wanted, but was comfortable enough to continue seeing you with benefits. As long as you weren't complaining or pushing the issue and going along with it, he'll take it. And, if you suspect it's just going to be FWB, don't continue to date them hoping they will "come around". 99% of the time it doesn't happen. This is the reason for communicating clearly in the beginning and then keeping up that communication periodically to check the "temperature" of the relationship. After a few months, you have another casual conversation about "where" you two are. And, short of that, observing the attitude and actions of the person you are dating. If you're gut starts telling you, he's not all in, you're probably right.
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