baman1 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Me and my ex were in a relationship for 10 months. no problems really but small arguments here and there nothing to serious. My ex decides to be friends out of the blue 2 months ago and I didn't chase but did try to talk to my ex every now and then after the break up before going nc 2 weeks after the BU. My ex broke nc a week after just trying to catch up on me and showing some signs of mixed signals but I eventually asked why I was contacted a few days of us talking and my ex said to be nice so I went NC again which was a month after the BU. Ex contacted me to wish my father happy birthday and I contacted ex with his response and went NC again which lasted until last week. Contacted me but I was indifferent and responded slowly to texts and caught me up some before asking to talk in person and calling me to talk about being together in person. I accepted and my ex showed all the obvious signs and hints of wanting to get back together, but I waited to talk more and actually get on topic. My ex got emotional and cried while explaining to me that they were wrong and regretted leaving when they should have talked to me and discussed things that may have been wrong in relationship and that they may have lost me for good since they had told me they tried dating someone else thinking it may have been better elsewhere and if I was really the one. I told my ex if all of it was true it would take some time and work on both parts to be able to work it out. Over the next few days I found something out each day, the day after meeting and being person working on things I found out my ex had tried dating a coworker which during one of the nc periods my ex told me it was a rumor, but when I was told the day after I asked why was I lied to before and why not just be honest before which the answer was that they both could have gotten fired and in trouble if it was known about by their job, I also noticed my ex had some bruises which I assumed was from the coworker and my ex stated some were from work but some were from the coworker but it wasn't from abuse, either way I didn't find it acceptable. The day after the second day of being around each other I talked to my ex about an issue that happened involving me feeling like things may not work as my ex said called me an a..h... during a stressful situation for my ex thinking I didn't want to be around to help support, which we talked about the misunderstanding my ex had. The next day everything was fine until randomly my ex started looking bothered which I asked what was wrong and my ex explained that they loved me and wanted to be with me and not lose me, but they had feelings for the coworker still but didn't want to be with them and would lose feelings over time but was confused somehow yet wanted to be with me and saw a future with me and wanted everything with me but couldnt see that with the other however still had feelings directed towards them. I told my ex to not be with or want to be with me if they felt that way because I wasn't worth that and didn't need to be with someone who couldn't feel 100% about me only. I didn't make my ex pick between me or the other, but tried helping come to a solution and resolution and left my ex alone for the rest of the night to let my ex evaluate and reflect on things. (Which what makes it confusing is that I did ask my ex everyday if they really wanted to be with me and with me for all the right reasons which I was told yes every time and I made sure to make eye contact each time I asked and every time my ex would not break it and would look back at me as if every word was true and meant with every bit of love that could have possible.) The next day my ex told me they were going to be alone and work on finding theirself to not confuse anyone and not contacting either one at all. I told my ex I was glad for the decision as it was mature but wouldn't be my ex's friend because I couldn't be friends with someone I had feelings for and was completely done and said goodbye and good luck. I apologized the next day for saying I was completely done because I did realize my ex was young and still growing and that their honesty and openness was with communication was valued by me and made me realize my ex was truly trying to go about things right and trying to grow, and let my ex know if over time we still had feelings for each other I'd be open to hear from my ex and be willing to try again. Which my ex agreed to and said if I was to ever lose feelings we could be friends and that if they wanted to try again i would be told, which I agreed to. We ended on good terms and my ex actually flirted with me with an inside joke about me after I told my ex to find a way to be happy each day and good luck in the future, so it was a good way for us to end things and I guess express that their was no hard feelings. I just wanted to know opinions on the situation because I do worry in a way about what or how long it may take my ex to find theirself as we both are going nc for each other but know we have feelings for each other still. A few things that may help is that I'm 24 and my ex is 22, I've matured at a faster rate than most people I know and have been told I've gotten an older person's mindset and maturity level. I was great to my ex and the best person my ex has dated, and have seen how I've helped my ex grow during our relationship. The other guy she became involved with is the complete opposite from me from what I was told and that my ex could not be theirself like they could around me. During the BU my ex said they went through serious changes of not being able to eat at first, then gaining weight, and trying to smoke due to stress and drinking some (which my ex didnt do this while we dated).My ex also stated the entire time the feelings for me never left as well. Opinions and advice about situations like this would be great.
lolablue17 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 (edited) I think you handled the situation very well (Much better than me if I were in your shoes). If she contacts you again, and wants to get back together you must assure that she has no feelings to her coworker at all. I think the best way to solve it if she quits her job, so she won't see him anymore. because if she insists seeing him every day after you agree to take her back, she can be confused again and again. Yes she is growing but it can take a while, and people have mixed feelings also at age of 50, So you can never know. The best thing is her quitting her job if she wants you back. If she refuses, it means she wants to be able to make mistakes in the future with no price on her side, only yours. you will be the one who's going to pay for her mistakes... it's a red flag. Edited May 24, 2015 by lolablue17
Author baman1 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 I think you handled the situation very well (Much better than me if I were in your shoes). If she contacts you again, and wants to get back together you must assure that she has no feelings to her coworker at all. I think the best way to solve it if she quits her job, so she won't see him anymore. because if she insists seeing him every day after you agree to take her back, she can be confused again and again. Yes she is growing but it can take a while, and people have mixed feelings also at age of 50, So you can never know. The best thing is her quitting her job if she wants you back. If she refuses, it means she wants to be able to make mistakes in the future with no price on her side, only yours. you will be the one who's going to pay for her mistakes... it's a red flag. When my ex contacted me to talk and meet, I was told that they had a problem at the job and hated it and was looking for another, so I think that may help as you said. During the period of being around my ex and learning of things it was mentioned that was trying to go back to old job before the current job to leave and in the process of waiting on the news of a job that was preffered. From what you're saying I guess signs of really wanting to get back together is in the works, but that was all prior to deciding to soulsearch.
lolablue17 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 From what you're saying I guess signs of really wanting to get back together is in the works, but that was all prior to deciding to soulsearch. If she doesn't work there any more, it's better. The thing is, she left you, developed feelings for another man, (She may have left you for him, girls turn to plan their way in advance), and now she says she love you both. You have a lot of flexibility in your approach, giving her the space. If it was me, my ego wouldn't let me be so tolerant with her. My ego would have forced me be done with her even if she comes back begging and pleading. By I like your approach better.
Author baman1 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) If she doesn't work there any more, it's better. The thing is, she left you, developed feelings for another man, (She may have left you for him, girls turn to plan their way in advance), and now she says she love you both. You have a lot of flexibility in your approach, giving her the space. If it was me, my ego wouldn't let me be so tolerant with her. My ego would have forced me be done with her even if she comes back begging and pleading. By I like your approach better. Update: I had a weak moment and gave in and reached out. It was casual until I felt as if I'd let it be known that I missed my ex even though I didn't want to confuse or mess with my ex's head since I knew how things were which all I got back was a sorry, but I got sidetracked into being open and found myself talking things more than I should before I was asked if we could change the subject which we did and I tried to make things less awkward.It was also mentioned before I continued to talk about the decision of what my ex decided to do for sometime before getting asked to talk about something else, that when I was explaining that I had second thought myself because I didn't want to confuse or mess with my ex's mind, but felt like it would help me feel better knowing I wasn't holding it in without confusing or bothering my ex, that I was told it was fine that I did, but the decision to not date anyone was still going to be the decision, but she'd be my friend still though. But I really feel like my moment of weakness and talking about things I thought related to the situation may have damaged chances of things between me and my ex, but during the talking of my weakness going on my ex did actually tell me things would work out and that I was an amazing person with a good future when I was explaining that I really was just bothered by not knowing how things would turn out, but that was before asking to change the subject too. So I feel like I took a step back and don't know what I should do next because I'm not expressing myself and it bottles up inside, but I know I can't really even though on social media if I login I do see my ex expressing how she feels. Opinions and advice? P.S. When we first were talking yesterday, I did get called to try helping with something my ex thought I'd know about to help, but I missed the call and called back to help also. So I know my ex is or at least was comfortable with making contact with me if needed. Edited May 25, 2015 by baman1 left info out.
Author baman1 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 I'm beginning to worry or think my ex is going to make the same decision as before and become interested in somebody else and rush into things without taking time to deal with issues already or cope with things even though my ex said they weren't going to date anyone and using time to focus on life. I get this feeling because before the decision my ex did mention not wanting to be alone and not liking being alone so my ex feels as if someone has to be there or with someone. Which at the beginning of our relationship I did find out/notice from my ex that she didn't stay single long which made me think she may rush into things to quickly.
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