Seeker12 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 (edited) Hey guys, recently i havent been as active due to exam period taking over, fortunately their over! But just to recap, i was in a 6 year relationship which ended Oct 2014, we were in staggered contact until December after that which was very painful. Eventually we went no contact since January. Anyway, everything deleted and all that and i spent 5 months recovering and getting better. Well, i met a really nice and awesome girl earlier this month, everything is seriously going fine i like being with her and having her company, she makes my heart jump when i see her, and its just all those initial feelings, yes i am alot more guarded and aware of how much of myself im giving away. I really just need some advice, the feeling between both of us is mutual, but my ex still pops up in my head, this time i dont dwell over it nor think of it, i just dont have control of it. What i am going through, is it normal? I really dont want to throw away what i could have with this new girl just because my ex is kind of haunting me. To be honest this new girl is also on my mind a good portion as well, and i try not to compare etc. and really treat and like this girl for who she is. I just dont want to be deceiving myself basically about my feelings, i know how i feel about this girl. We are at a point in our friendship where things are getting serious, and i want to be 100% in. Edited May 23, 2015 by Seeker12
Ruby65 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 You've only been No Contact four months out of a six year relationship.... Just saying. People will tell you to *go slow* and *be honest* and tell this girl where you are emotionally, but looking at it objectively it seems pretty early for you to be involved with anyone new. Ask yourself this: if your ex called and asked you today for another chance, what would your answer be? Would you choose to pursue things with this new girl... or would you go back to the ex? If you really feel you'd choose moving forward, then I'd continue seeing this girl. If not? You could potentially cause her serious pain if your ex comes back in a few months.... or if you suddenly realize 6 months from now that this girl is really just a rebound. Here's a guide that might help you, it has a section on "rebounds" and dating post-breakup: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck to you, whatever you decide! 2
Author Seeker12 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 The girl knows about me and my ex and the details basically, she even asked what youve just asked ruby, if the ex turned back up what would i do, deep down, i wouldnt up and go like that and leave, not when im involved with someone else, like i said i dont want to ruin this or lose this opportunity. Thats what im worried about, my feelings, i dont expect nor want my ex to come back, honestly, its too damaged for anything to be built there again. BUT i dont want to hurt this girl either, i honestly care for her a lot and hurting her is the last thing on my mind, i want to treat her right and do things properly and seriously dont want her to be my rebound. I know how i feel about her, i just dont know anything else, if im masking or hiding things from myself if you get what i mean?
aloneinaz Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Here's my thoughts. I was REALLY in love with my ex. She ended a toxic, roller coaster ride 1.4 year RS cuz I couldn't do it. We'd broken up for very short periods before and I said enough. I went strict NC and vanished from her life. After a horrific couple of weeks post break up, I felt better. At a month post break up I said this is nuts and started dating. Yup, many will say it was way too early. I needed to move on and sitting at home, ruminating over the ex wasn't going to get me there. At 3 months post break up, I'd had several dates, slept with several girls and dated one or two for several weeks. I then met my now 20 month GF who I live with today. Let me tell you.. I still thought of my ex frequently for the first 5-6 months post break up. It's normal when you loved them. My ex reappeared with major dumpers remorse at 6 months and pleaded for another chance. She pestered me several times over the next 2 months via email. Did I still love her then, I'm sure I did but I told her NO WAY.. Now, 2 years post break up, do I still think of her? Sure but generally it's when a song comes on that we listened to or I'm at a place where I was with her. It's normal. It doesn't mean I want her back because I didn't. I love my GF I'm with but it doesn't mean I don't think of my last ex or exes before her as well. We all reminisce about our pasts, even with people that we didn't have happy ending with. My opinion for you is to move forward with this new girl. Take it slow. Get to know each other with your guard up. I personally think again that you've had enough time to heal and you realize your ex wasn't a good fit for you anyway. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I read somewhere it's wiser to be alone for a month for every year you've been in a relationship. Since you were with the ex for 6 years, you need a full six months of NC and healing before dating. From a personal perspective, yes, the ex does still pop into my mind but as another poster has said, the ex shows up because the little things such as song or a place can trigger past memories. However, it does not mean I still love my ex. The past is the past but we cannot always forget about certain thing least of all, people. For you, I'm sure those thoughts will pass if you spend more time with your current date (or girlfriend). You will come to realize that as time progresses, new memories will replace the old ones.
aloneinaz Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I read somewhere it's wiser to be alone for a month for every year you've been in a relationship. Since you were with the ex for 6 years, you need a full six months of NC and healing before dating. From a personal perspective, yes, the ex does still pop into my mind but as another poster has said, the ex shows up because the little things such as song or a place can trigger past memories. However, it does not mean I still love my ex. The past is the past but we cannot always forget about certain thing least of all, people. For you, I'm sure those thoughts will pass if you spend more time with your current date (or girlfriend). You will come to realize that as time progresses, new memories will replace the old ones. Reading this made me want to add one more thing. I don't think we should WANT to wipe away memories of our exes. At one point in time, they were a very important part of our lives. Just because the relationship ended doesn't mean we should try and forget those times. My last ex was toxic and a nightmare relationship. I still enjoyed "some" of the I spent w/her and find nothing wrong in reflecting on them when them come to my mind. It's no different to me than reflecting on my first GF from the early 80's. Life's flipping short. To harbor resentment and anger towards someone we once loved and spent time with is not healthy what so ever..
dyna85 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Hey guys, recently i havent been as active due to exam period taking over, fortunately their over! But just to recap, i was in a 6 year relationship which ended Oct 2014, we were in staggered contact until December after that which was very painful. Eventually we went no contact since January. Anyway, everything deleted and all that and i spent 5 months recovering and getting better. Well, i met a really nice and awesome girl earlier this month, everything is seriously going fine i like being with her and having her company, she makes my heart jump when i see her, and its just all those initial feelings, yes i am alot more guarded and aware of how much of myself im giving away. I really just need some advice, the feeling between both of us is mutual, but my ex still pops up in my head, this time i dont dwell over it nor think of it, i just dont have control of it. What i am going through, is it normal? I really dont want to throw away what i could have with this new girl just because my ex is kind of haunting me. To be honest this new girl is also on my mind a good portion as well, and i try not to compare etc. and really treat and like this girl for who she is. I just dont want to be deceiving myself basically about my feelings, i know how i feel about this girl. We are at a point in our friendship where things are getting serious, and i want to be 100% in. I used to be of the mindset that you should wait until you're fully healed before entering another relationship, but having experienced this recent heartbreak, I have changed my perspective a bit, and don't think there is harm in putting your feet in the water even if you're still healing. I don't think we ever fully heal from past heartbreak anyway, so we're all carrying some sort of baggage into our new relationship. However, at the same time, I feel like carrying a full on torch for the ex can cause definite issues. I mean, if roles were reversed and the current girl were haunted by her ex and you were developing feelings for her and interested in taking the relationship to the next level, how would you feel? It is definitely normal to have recycled thoughts of an ex pop up occasionally, but I would say if you're still half in the door with this new girl, just make sure she's also half in, because if you're half in and she's full in, that's where you may have a problem.
Ruby65 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 BUT i dont want to hurt this girl either, i honestly care for her a lot and hurting her is the last thing on my mind, i want to treat her right and do things properly and seriously dont want her to be my rebound. I know how i feel about her, i just dont know anything else, if im masking or hiding things from myself if you get what i mean? I would say this is the beginning of a cycle of thoughts that could continue to take hold and could cause you to hurt this girl months down the line when she's even more attached to you. It's really up to you to decide how comfortable you are with taking that risk. That's something everyone has to decide for themselves. Personally, I'd rather stay alone for a while than risk hurting someone else.
SolidGoldTurd Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I read somewhere it's wiser to be alone for a month for every year you've been in a relationship. That's hogwash imo: Relationships and feelings are subjective, you can't just put a rule of thumb on it and expect it to happen with all relationships. To think it's OK/safe to date one month after the break up of a one year relationship is moronic. It should whenever YOU are ready to date.
frigginlost Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) My recent ex started dating someone full bore 2 weeks after dumping me. A month ago she started stringing me along. Last week she told me she did not love the guy and loves me. Friday she told all her friends that he is her true love. She is now on a weekend getaway with him. Needless to say, I have gone full NC with her... 6 months after the breakup. Bad move on my part to believe her while she was playing me. But oh well... Until you are completely over someone, it is absolutely cruel to the new person. I waited almost two years to date after my 17 year marriage ended. Even with that much time, I thought about the ex wife at times. But it was not a missing feeling. It was like thinking of a friend. There was absolutely zero percent chance that I would ever take her back, so I was at indifference. If there was even a 2% chance that I would have taken her back I would not date anybody beyond the stage of dating and I would not force myself to get closer thinking that in doing so, I will "learn to love, or give it time, etc". Do I think you should break it off? Nope. But you might want to take a step back and process your feelings. Don't try to bury them by trying to get even more close to the new girl. That would have disaster written all over it. Just go with the flow while you process... Edited May 25, 2015 by frigginlost
Author Seeker12 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 Thanks guys, i have been reading and keeping up to date with what you have said, i have been thinking a lot as well, my ex has been popping up in my head and my dreams recently, but all i see it as are just emotions, i have no control over that part, so i just let it have its moment then die out. As mentioned before i really dont want to lose this opportunity, shes a better girl than those who i have met over the past few months, hence taking it seriously, but i dont want to hurt her, seriously at a conundrum as mentioned i know how i feel about her, but anything else, well is a mystery even to myself.
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