I got dumped?

[longjohn]

I got dumped basically? The first time it's happened to me in a very long time and I'm neither happy nor sad about it to be honest. My gf or ex (lets see of she's serious) and I tend to have had a few arguments about her having had lied about a few wee things and about her contact via with an ex. A few messages here and there. We had quite an argument and she took her stuff and tossed her keys (to my place) at me left.

 

 

On the face of it.. seems fairly final however we've had a fight like this in the past and she came back a few hours later and apologized. Either way this isn't healthy. We both appear to be entrenched in that we are right and the other person is wrong. I'm trying my best to see it from her side but I keep coming back to.. I wouldn't do this to her.

 

 

Maybe I'm being unreasonable? I got and get upset that she maintains contact with an ex that she refers to as a "friend" however I see it as an ex not a friend. She isn't willing to even think about giving up the guy on social media as "he makes a good professional reference". Which leads to another argument.. I don't ever tend to date form work.. ever. Once a relationship is over I cut them off and move on. Yet to her it's a friend now not an ex and a professional reference and that irritates me to no end. The fact they broke up 10 years ago and still maintain contact I find strange even suggestive that there's something there.. even if it's only friendship?

 

 

Am I the weird, unreasonable one here or is she? I don't get it. I'll admit I see things at times as very black and white. Maybe I'm over reacting? I try as best as I can to self analyze and see if I'm being the "arsehole".

 

 

I'm quite confused at the minute yet my gut at this point says, let her pickup what stuff she's got left and wish her the best in life and move on.

[Fleur de cactus]

Let her go, she chose her ex over you. Trust you gut, dont keep pushing the relationship. It will not work.

[aloneinaz]

IDK.. I kind of get your reaction but at the same time, I'm friends on FB with a few ex's that were 20 plus years ago. They don't live near me nor do I do anything but occasional joke with them on posts on FB. I don't have phone conversations with them. My GF is absolutely fine with it.

 

If this ex is from 10 years ago, IDK? If she's chatting on the phone or going to lunch with them, yea, I wouldn't care for that. If she occasionally chit chats on social media, not a big deal to me.

 

The big issue appear that you guys need to learn to communicate better in a calm, rational manner. If you can't get on the same page about an issue like this, the relationship sounds doomed.

[Rewan]

If I may be blunt for a moment, I only see this as a lighter and a leaking propane tank.. Here's why..

 

On one hand, you really have no say in who she can and can't be friends with. That's a controlling behavior, and if you constantly are making an issue of it, then it becomes a real turn off in relationships. In addition, by making a big deal of it again and again, you're insinuating (whether it be intentional or not) that you don't actually trust her. That's another turn off in a relationship because, let's face it, who wants to be with someone who doesn't trust them? You have contact with your ex's, and she trusted you not to do anything with them. Why don't you trust her not to do anything with this guy?

 

And if you answer that you do trust her...how did you figure out that she was lying about those messages? Did you go through her phone or Facebook?

 

However, on the other hand.. You made it perfectly clear that you were not comfortable with her close contact. While it was not done in the best way, I think it still got the point across. By this thinking, she should have made those boundaries quite clear to the guy and been open about telling you about it. In addition, it was wrong of her to lie about it knowing that you were uncomfortable with it. If there was nothing going on between then, why couldn't she be honest with you, regardless of your feelings about the contact?

 

Lastly, your prior argument history suggests that there is a serious lack of communication skill in your relationship. This is will only get worse unless you both make a conscious effort to improve it and offer consideration for how the other feels during controversy. This is tricky because it has to be a joint effort, and while you may mean to do it, she may not.. And your apathy makes me think that you're emotionally drained from your arguments...not sure if I'm on the money in that thinking, so let me know if I'm wrong..

 

In conclusion, I do not feel that this would be beneficial to either of you to continue. My best advice would be to respect the other enough to sit down and have a serious one on one conversation about the fact that you both are two different people. Be respectful of each other. And then go your separate ways.. I know it's hard, but sometimes it's the only way we can grow. I hope you're okay, and best of luck..

[longjohn]

You are absolutely correct I don't and won't dictate who she can or can't be "friends" with however in my mind a friend is not an ex. Yet I feel like I'm dictating to her who she can or can't talk to and that's not what I want, it isn't me. In my mind (and I could be wrong here) you can't go from Friend - Lover - Friend? Can you?

 

 

Here's the reason I've made a "big deal of it".. A year ago I found out she went to dinner with another ex and had contact with him after stating she didn't maintain contact with him and never seen him. While talking a few things she said contradicted what she said previously so I prodded and asked questions. Thanks to a quick look at his (open to the public) social media there it was. This very nearly broke up the relationship. I stated then that I wouldn't stick around if she wanted to keep seeing (really dating) her ex. She maintained he was only a "friend" it wasn't a date and nothing was going on. Yet I brought her attention to his social media and his many praises of her and telling of how she was the one that got away etc. Either way I was very highly uncomfortable to put it mildly with it and I thought I got the point across then... Your past or the present/future. The ex from last year and this year are two different people.

 

 

The social media messages I seen when she opened her phone. I was sitting right beside her and asked who's that guy. I'm not a snooper, we all deserve privacy I respect her privacy and she respects mine. She at first stated that was me. I corrected her and said no that's not me. She paused then said it was (for arguments sake) John. So I asked who John was and she stated he was a friend, then she corrected and said he was an ex but just a friend now. She stated he lives 100 miles away and has is engaged. So of course I look up John the next day and guess what John is more like 10 minutes down the road but is however apparently happily engaged according to social media. Should I be worried?

 

 

As you might imagine things went downhill. From my perspective I felt like she stopped talking/seeing the other guy a year earlier to appease me without any understanding as to why I was ready to leave her. While I don't want to control who she talks to or maintains contact with and I appreciate the fact she's been honest and could have said John was an old coworker (I'd not have known different, although he was that and an ex) she knows fine well that it makes me very highly uncomfortable that she keeps in contact with her ex's after what happened the year previous. I don't know if she see's this guy in the flesh or any other ex's that lurk on her social media. For the record I don't keep in contact with my ex's, none are on social media, in my phone nor in my email. I tend to cut off the past and move forward whereas she tends to keep links with the past if the breakup was amicable which I can understand however I just don't like ex's lurking online nor the fact she has to keep them as "friends".

 

 

If I may be blunt for a moment, I only see this as a lighter and a leaking propane tank.. Here's why..

 

On one hand, you really have no say in who she can and can't be friends with. That's a controlling behavior, and if you constantly are making an issue of it, then it becomes a real turn off in relationships. In addition, by making a big deal of it again and again, you're insinuating (whether it be intentional or not) that you don't actually trust her. That's another turn off in a relationship because, let's face it, who wants to be with someone who doesn't trust them? You have contact with your ex's, and she trusted you not to do anything with them. Why don't you trust her not to do anything with this guy?

 

And if you answer that you do trust her...how did you figure out that she was lying about those messages? Did you go through her phone or Facebook?

 

However, on the other hand.. You made it perfectly clear that you were not comfortable with her close contact. While it was not done in the best way, I think it still got the point across. By this thinking, she should have made those boundaries quite clear to the guy and been open about telling you about it. In addition, it was wrong of her to lie about it knowing that you were uncomfortable with it. If there was nothing going on between then, why couldn't she be honest with you, regardless of your feelings about the contact?

 

Lastly, your prior argument history suggests that there is a serious lack of communication skill in your relationship. This is will only get worse unless you both make a conscious effort to improve it and offer consideration for how the other feels during controversy. This is tricky because it has to be a joint effort, and while you may mean to do it, she may not.. And your apathy makes me think that you're emotionally drained from your arguments...not sure if I'm on the money in that thinking, so let me know if I'm wrong..

 

In conclusion, I do not feel that this would be beneficial to either of you to continue. My best advice would be to respect the other enough to sit down and have a serious one on one conversation about the fact that you both are two different people. Be respectful of each other. And then go your separate ways.. I know it's hard, but sometimes it's the only way we can grow. I hope you're okay, and best of luck..