purplesoccer34 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 There are times when I cannot help but be slightly concerned about my sister's marriage, because there are things that really pop out at me. My brother in-law and I have always been close, but I don't know if I should be concerned about that now. For the past few years, he's shown a lot of interest in my love life, a lot more than I think is necessary. Whenever he calls me, the first thing he asks is, "How is your boyfriend doing?" And he says things like, "He's no good for you. I think you should dump him." About every single guy I date. Whenever I'm on my phone he leans over and asks me if I'm texting my boyfriend--every time. One time when he was drunk he said to his friend, "When she told me she hooked up with this guy, I couldn't get it out of my head." But I don't even think his interest in my love life is that big a deal. I've always seen him as an older brother, and I guess older brothers are protective to an extent. There are other things however that most definitely concern me. Most recently he has said to me that it would be better if he wasn't married. I asked him why, and he said that he'd have the freedom to date whoever he wants. He has said this not once or twice but several times. He then asked me if I would ever date a married man and I said "of course not," and he goes into an explanation about why I should consider dating a married man instead of a single one. He has also said several times that he knows couples where the age difference is 9 years (our age difference) and they are perfectly happy. We've also gone out for drinks before, just the two of us--all initiated by him. I never saw it as a big deal though, but now I'm starting to wonder. I don't know what to think about all this. I think he's a great person, and I'm not sure if I can really blame him for feeling this way. My sister is VERY demanding. Whenever I go to their house, I find that she's always telling her husband what to do, blaming him for things that are out of his control, and never ever asks him how his day is. He works very long hours, but my sister never offers to help him with anything, yet he does so much for her. When she doesn't get her way, she yells at him, but the guy doesn't say a word. He just does what he is told. She literally walks all over him like a doormat, and it's painful for me to watch. I confronted her about all this, and told her to at least show some appreciation for her husband, but she completely blew up on me. My sister also once told me that since they had their child a few years ago, they have had a nonexistent sex life, and I believe it. She's also terrible at showing any physical affection--my brother in-law often tries to hug her or whatever, but she brushes it off. She hates affection, which is something I cannot even fathom. When my brother in-law makes jokes, she shows visible exasperation about him making so many "dumb jokes," while I'm there, laughing hysterically wondering why she can't lighten up for once. My guess is that my brother in-law is getting tired of my sister's behavior, and it's all finally starting to come out. Whenever my sister yells at him he does what he is told without saying a word, but how long can a person keep everything inside? Despite the fact that we are sisters, we are polar opposites. My sister has always been overly demanding and always got what she wanted, so I think she's been conditioned to throw tantrums when things don't go her way--she still acts like that with her entire family. I like to think I'm much more patient--I can't think of the last time I have yelled at anybody. My sister also grew up not having any close friends, whereas I've always had a fairly active social life. I'm not sure but I think these may be the reasons my brother in-law confides in me more than he confides in his own wife. I can't help but be a little upset when I see my sister acting this way, and my brother in-law being walked all over, wishing he wasn't married. He's a nice guy and he doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Is there anything I can do, really?
preraph Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 I'm going to give you a piece of sisterly advice. If I was your sister, I'd want you to decline all invitations one on one with my husband. If I was your sister, I'd expect you to be loyal to me as long as I wasn't asking you to help bury the body and not be sympathizing with my husband while I'm trying to take of the my kid and hold the household together. If I was your sister, I'd want you to trust me to take care of my own marriage and not make me have to worry about what you and my husband are hatching. 2
Author purplesoccer34 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 I'm going to give you a piece of sisterly advice. If I was your sister, I'd want you to decline all invitations one on one with my husband. If I was your sister, I'd expect you to be loyal to me as long as I wasn't asking you to help bury the body and not be sympathizing with my husband while I'm trying to take of the my kid and hold the household together. If I was your sister, I'd want you to trust me to take care of my own marriage and not make me have to worry about what you and my husband are hatching. You are right. I will keep my interactions with him to a minimum. Despite her frequent impatience, it's true that my sister works hard to take care of her kid. 1
CC12 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 You are right. I will keep my interactions with him to a minimum. I think that's for the best. He's dropped some pretty obvious hints that he'd be willing to take things further with you. His behavior is pretty scummy and you should step away from it before you start being just as guilty as he is. You also seem to be asking if there's anything you can do to help your sister stop being so nasty to her husband, or how to help him stop being a doormat. There's nothing you can do. You already tried with her, and she wasn't receptive to your criticism. And since the relationship with your brother-in-law has become inappropriate, you can't help there either. And just in general, it's not a good idea to tell someone else how to fix their relationship if they haven't asked for your help. You really can't know what goes on in private. Maybe she's mean to him because of his wandering eye. Maybe he's even cheated on her. Not that it excuses her behavior, but you probably wouldn't be so sympathetic to him if you knew that he's done some ****ty things to her, for example.
Tayla Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Take his concern at face value. Your intuitions could be spot on that he is in essence an above board fellow. While your sister and you carry varying degrees of differences, the commoness is to the degree. that you both do things for family. My one friend is rather abrasive with his wife... and one day I brought it to his attention . Most adults don't like others pting out the glaringly obvious. Matter of fact he tried to justify it. In the end though He caught himself and redirected his manner of conduct and speech. Your Brother in law probably is the peacemaker and prefers to display such. Your sister counter balances it with chaos or less then positive remarks. State your view in an adult and loving way. Maybe she isn't aware of how its perceived as an outsider so to speak. After that, let it rest. Again, trust your intuition.
turnera Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 You are right. I will keep my interactions with him to a minimum. Despite her frequent impatience, it's true that my sister works hard to take care of her kid. And he doesn't? I'm just asking; it's weird the way you phrased that. Anyway, get a copy of His Needs Her Needs and give it to your sister. It's a fair bet she's not meeting his needs, so he's looking. Also a fair bet he wishes he'd married you instead of her.
anika99 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Hmm...I thought this sounded familiar so I took a look at your previous threads and sure enough you posted a thread about this back in December. In that thread you admitted that you actually have a crush on your brother in law and you werent saying nasty things about your sister. So I guess your crush is still thriving and now you're building a case against your sister to excuse your behaviour with her husband. Your sisters marriage is none of your business. Her husband sounds like a major slimy creep. Telling you that you should get involved with a married man is a creepy thing for him to say to any woman but to say that to his wife's sister puts him in a whole other league of creepiness. You think he's a great guy and feel bad for him? I feel bad for your sister that she's married to such an immature emotionally stunted man. Perhaps his unbelievable creepiness has turned her off over the years. I'm sorry to say that I find your disloyalty and lack of boundaries on the creepy side too.
turnera Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Hmm...I thought this sounded familiar so I took a look at your previous threads and sure enough you posted a thread about this back in December. In that thread you admitted that you actually have a crush on your brother in law What, so you learned from your last time here that you shouldn't tell the truth here, you should sugarcoat it to see if you get a different answer that doesn't make you look bad?
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