Girls: your advice please: New girl now gone silent...what should i do?

[walkingthedesert]

Met someone about 1 week ago - admittedly it was a nightclub night etc..., and she came home with me.

Thing is she spent the whole next day hanging out - talking, chatting, laughing, being v intimate etc... She needed to go to work, but chose to spend the day with me instead.

I was feeling good.

She gave me her number.

Asked me to call her that night.

She wanted me to paint her (i can paint).

She was very "into" me. She said she found me sexy etc...Kept on touching etc...

 

We were supposed to catch up during that week - but she had a work thing. And this weekend...

 

Now she's changed her mind - thinks her ex bf wants her back and can't see me at all.

 

I've done this kind of thing before and i know "the score" when it comes to one-night-stands etc... but to spend the whole next day, be very "girly and playful and intimate" the whole next day, then just walk away - and cancel via a text message on the phone!

 

I really liked her - i'm not easily won over either.

 

What is the best course of action from here? Do i tell her i really like her? or let her sort stuff out with her ex on her own?

 

I don't want to "crowd" her, but i don't want to not tell her that i really think she's lovely...

[MadDog]

You met her at a club and you went home with her. Do you really think she was looking for a relationship? Whether she was using you for a one night stand or she's really not over her ex, does it matter? (Although it seems weird to talk about a girl using a guy for a one night stand.) Time to move on to the next one.

[mental_traveller]

Send one message, just a friendly hello, asking if she's into meeting up sometime. Then don't contact her again, let her come to you. If she likes you she will reply, if not then she won't. Women sometimes do that romantic BS and don't actually mean it, just like guys sometimes do it but don't mean it. Also, even if she is not serious, she may contact you in a few months time when she is more open to a relationship. Whereas if you act all clingy or contact her too much now, she will dismiss you as an annoying dweeb and you'll screw up your chances of a future booty call or more. I'd advise you to assume you won't hear from her again, and be pleasantly surprised if she does get in touch. Meanwhile, go out and bed some babes, believe me that will ensure you forget about this girl soon enough.

[Skullcrusher]

What happens in the club, stays in the club. Learn from that.

[walkingthedesert]

Hey all,

Okay. Wanna get some things straight.

I'm NOT some clingy dweeb who hangs onto the first that that sleeps with him.

In fact I get offers on a regular basis (at least once per week) and I TURN THEM DOWN.

Why do I turn them down? Because they don't "get me" where it counts - my mind.

 

But this girl, dammit, she is intelligent, beautiful, has a voice that enchants me, and behaved like a little girl in front of me.

 

THat last comment about the "little girl" sounds weird, but trust me i ain't no weirdo. She was like 4 or 5 women in my past who have behaved like I was "the one".

 

I think I messed up by being "all cool" and relaxed about the situation.

 

I don't like "bedding" women anymore.

 

I'm 31.

 

I've done that for years. As a dark-skinned man, i've had my share of light-skinned women who - well, who just "use me" - and walk away AND I HATE THAT.

 

I hate being a 1 night stand.

 

I hate being a "trophy".

 

I hate being someone's little foray into race relations and peace-building, etc... I'm not just a credit-value trophy to sleep with and boast to your friends about.

 

I may be good looking, i may be black, i may be - according to them - "the best they've had in the bedroom" - but i do have a heart. I do have a mind. I am sick of being used to be someone's "credit point". Or their token "black boyfriend" so they can talk to their gf's about being "liberal" or whatever.

 

I have a heart as well as a black dick.

 

Don't treat me like a trophy, because I never treated you as such.

 

I always saw the "one-nighter" as the start of something new...

 

I don't want it ot be the reason why I have to double-take a look from a girl in a bar...

 

Or should I?

[katiebour]

Heya Walking,

As a girl who had a breakup from a long-term relationship four months ago, and who is back in the dating fray, I can definetely understand where you (and possibly your girl) are coming from. A few things about her behavior:

 

Girls can spend months and months pining after an ex, hoping to get back together, etc. Sleeping with someone else can act as a sort of "buffer" between the ex and her- he's not the person she thinks of automatically when she thinks about the last time she made love. That being said, if someone goes to bed with you after knowing you for one evening, they probably are looking for a "quick fix" rather than a permanent relationship. I had my first one-night stand after the breakup, and the guy blew me off after that. It was a hard lesson, but I realized that I was more interested in going to bed with him than in dating him- and I imagine he figured that out too. It wasn't a bad experience by any stretch of imagination- but it wasn't a precursor to a permanent relationship. How could he or I know if we'd be compatible for a LTR- we only knew each other for one night!

 

As far as the ex goes, I spent several months constantly imagining/hoping that my ex would want me back. The idea of going back to a known quantity is much safer and appealing than starting all over. It sounds like she is still very much in the process of getting over the ex, and unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it. Right now, he looks better to her than you do.

 

I have been seeing a guy for the last few weeks, a little older and wiser than my exes (he's 31 and I'm 25). One of the things he said that blew me away when we first started dating was that he wanted to be "friends first" and get to know me, since be both had come out of LTRs fairly recently. I had never heard this from a guy before! Someone actually wants to get to know me, instead of just sleeping with me!? Needless to say, this was a big turn-on for me. We still kiss, and cuddle, and the fact that we have great chemistry doesn't hurt at all- but we're waiting until we know if we want to have an LTR before we throw sex into the mix. Believe me, this is as hard for me as it is for him- but I really respect him for it. I also highly advise you to read "Mars & Venus On A Date"- this book is such a great guide to dating and understanding the opposite sex.

 

So- in conclusion, I would say to you, "Let this one go." It doesn't sound like she's ready for a relationship with you, and there really ARE other fish in the sea who are just as great. You might also read "Mars & Venus On A Date" for a woman's perspective on what a one-night-stand means/feels like. And let me reiterate that it feels wonderful to a woman if a guy indicates he's interested in more than her body, and wants to get to know her before making love.

[walkingthedesert]

Hi Katie,

Just want to say a big thank you for a thoughtful reply. Plenty there for me to also think about.

 

I think i was just a little frustrated at how well she and i got along, and how very keen she appeared to want to see me again (she asked me to call her etc...) and then for her to just decide on the day we were supposed to meet up again (she'd requested that she come to see me at my house on the next sunday) that she couldn't.

 

I understand that she may be fearful of the thing she doesn't know, and more comfortable with what she knew (her ex, etc...), so i can let her go now.

 

And I suppose i didn't want a full-on relationship just yet - there is a lot of things I want to do on my own and it could be difficult if i were in a relationship with someone.

 

She was absolutely lovely though.

 

I just wish that we could at least remain friends. But I suppose I'd maybe secretly, or unknowingly, always be harbouring thoughts that something more could grow from that friendship.

 

Back to the grindstone now...an old chinese proverb i heard said about looking for love etc...: "If you make the nest, the bird will come". And i suppose that's how I should see this time alone - time for me to become what I want to be. To become someone I am proud to "give" to someone else.

 

I'm sure at such a point in time i'll probably be a lot more secure in myself and in my status in any relationship.

 

Thanks!

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by walkingthedesert

 

I don't like "bedding" women anymore.

 

I'm 31.

 

I've done that for years. As a dark-skinned man, i've had my share of light-skinned women who - well, who just "use me" - and walk away AND I HATE THAT.

 

I hate being a 1 night stand.

 

I hate being a "trophy".

 

I hate being someone's little foray into race relations and peace-building, etc... I'm not just a credit-value trophy to sleep with and boast to your friends about.

 

If you hate being treated like this then quit sleeping with women at bars. If you want a meaniful relationship quit acting like a 1 night stand. You have control of your destiny. Look for women that want the same thing you want. Maybe even talk to them instead if just beding them and then complaining you got used.

 

Be a man and think with your big head hot the little one...