Sunyata Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 I was in a great relationship with a girl that ended in January. Perhaps I'm naive, but I do feel like there is still a lot of love between us. She has fairly defined boundaries, but we do text or e-mail each other a few times a week. She is seeing someone else who she is very emotionally attached to, but does not want a relationship with - and he may be moving out of state at the end of June. She sometimes texts me how much better I was than him in some ways. The biggest thing that ended the relationship was my trauma from my childhood and my obsession with righting the wrongs from my past and making "progress" in my self-healing. This often pulled me out of the moment so that I would spend nights by myself rather than doing stuff with her, or would lash out and over-react to fairly simple situations, especially with her getting emotional. I would often treat her like she was crazy and invalidate her feelings, or think that everything had ulterior motives. This would lead to her crying and me coming across as cold and contemptuous rather than supportive. Eventually she felt that if she stayed with me that she would have physical symptoms and sickness and had to leave. Despite that, the underlying structure of our love for each other (IMO) was very strong. But if we are ever to get back together, it would need a completely different narrative, with me being more of a man and less of a cute damaged boy. Does anyone have any experience getting back with their ex under these situations, ensuring to establish a different type of narrative, or to fix some of the problems that plagued the first relationship?
Author Sunyata Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 Rule #1...DON'T. I don't buy that. There are plenty of situations out there where getting back together after a long, healing break can work out. But I wonder if it will always have that sort of "2nd attempt" feeling.
Jonp219 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 I'm just going to tell you what I would do... If I knew my ex had her eye on someone else I wouldn't bother, **** that. If we eventually reconnected and started talking again after a prolonged period of healing and I knew she wasn't seeing anybody, then I'll just see where things go. However, in your situation I would just leave it alone. Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear. 2
Vercetti Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Ok, then make a long distance relationship with someone that's emotionally attached to someone not you work. 1
Author Sunyata Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 I'm just going to tell you what I would do... If I knew my ex had her eye on someone else I wouldn't bother, **** that. If we eventually reconnected and started talking again after a prolonged period of healing and I knew she wasn't seeing anybody, then I'll just see where things go. However, in your situation I would just leave it alone. Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear. Nah, it's the totally right thing. And IMO the only way to heal is to take focus off the other person, along with all the expectations you have on them. Let them be their own separate person and fully acknowledge that. I think there is an immense maturity in being able to do that, as its not a common thing between partners.
Author Sunyata Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 Ok, then make a long distance relationship with someone that's emotionally attached to someone not you work. I'm thinking longer-term. I see the possibility of us re-connecting in the future. Not trying to start anything now.
Dallers Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Rule #1...DON'T. I know people do. But this is the number 1 rule. Once it ends, it ends. You only have one chance with a person as it will NEVER be the same as it was the first time round. People who go back to their ex will say otherwise until it ends again, and again, and again. It's known as a toxic circle.
Jonp219 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Nah, it's the totally right thing. And IMO the only way to heal is to take focus off the other person, along with all the expectations you have on them. Let them be their own separate person and fully acknowledge that. I think there is an immense maturity in being able to do that, as its not a common thing between partners. I'm still struggling with those thoughts.Slowly I'm accepting it, but from time to time the pain strikes hard and I lose grip of myself. But you're absolutely right, this is something we all have to do at one point or another.
Jonp219 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 I'm thinking longer-term. I see the possibility of us re-connecting in the future. Not trying to start anything now. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Use the 'hope' you have of getting back together as fuel to push you forward. Push yourself to becoming a better man and show her that you're better than any guy she ever had her eye on. After a while you'll start to realize that all this work you're putting into yourself isn't for her at all, it's for you. 1
Author Sunyata Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Use the 'hope' you have of getting back together as fuel to push you forward. Push yourself to becoming a better man and show her that you're better than any guy she ever had her eye on. After a while you'll start to realize that all this work you're putting into yourself isn't for her at all, it's for you. You definitely understand the psychological nuance of all this self-improvement. Thanks for putting it into words.
Jonp219 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 You definitely understand the psychological nuance of all this self-improvement. Thanks for putting it into words. The strict NC crowd might deem my advice as 'misleading' but I'm only telling you that because it what did for my first ex. The ex I'm currently trying to get over is much tougher. I was with her for 4 years and the BU was only 3 months ago, so it's still fresh. Sometimes we just have to let go and let life play out on its own. While life does what it has to do, we'll just do what we have to do.
Author Sunyata Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 The strict NC crowd might deem my advice as 'misleading' but I'm only telling you that because it what did for my first ex. The ex I'm currently trying to get over is much tougher. I was with her for 4 years and the BU was only 3 months ago, so it's still fresh. Sometimes we just have to let go and let life play out on its own. While life does what it has to do, we'll just do what we have to do. Yeah for me the breakup was about 4 months ago. I go through periods of realizing it was REALLY beneficial for my self-improvement and has made me significantly more independent, and then periods of intense sadness at not coming home to someone, etc. I also have social issues due to childhood trauma which makes it hard. I am going to try to find a female roommate, I think, to at least challenge myself to socialize better with girls in a simply friendly way.
LadyDeadpool Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 First rule: Don't. The issues that caused you to break up the first time don't just disappear. I know you say you love her, but sometimes love just isn't enough. But if you do decide to break the first rule, I hope you have a good therapist, because your issues bled on to her the last time and may do so again.
Satu Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Live in the present. Do not judge the present by comparing it to the past. 1
Vercetti Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 I'm thinking longer-term. I see the possibility of us re-connecting in the future. Not trying to start anything now. In the future you will be with someone else and your mind will more or less erace / replace this girl. You might recall the #1 rule and laugh a bit at your good fortune. You welcome.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 . Push yourself to becoming a better man and show her that you're better than any guy she ever had her eye on. After a while you'll start to realize that all this work you're putting into yourself isn't for her at all, it's for you. You should heed your own good advice, Jon. OP, it's possible. BUT, you both have to want it badly enough...and you both will have to WANT to put in the work and self-improvement necessary to allow your new relationship to flourish. You're not the only one who could stand to self-improve; I'm sure she has areas of her personality that she can also strive to improve. Although your childhood trauma will forever be a PART of who you are, it's just a PART of you....and as such, it should NOT encompass the entirety or even mostly of who you are emotionally as a man and a human being. If she truly loves you and is willing to support you during your self actualization of your full potential (and she actually SEES and NOTICES that you are, in fact, making strides in your betterment), then your relationship DOES have a chance! Good luck and let us know if everything works out well! . 1
Jonp219 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 You should heed your own good advice, Jon. OP, it's possible. BUT, you both have to want it badly enough...and you both will have to WANT to put in the work and self-improvement necessary to allow your new relationship to flourish. You're not the only one who could stand to self-improve; I'm sure she has areas of her personality that she can also strive to improve. Although your childhood trauma will forever be a PART of who you are, it's just a PART of you....and as such, it should NOT encompass the entirety or even mostly of who you are emotionally as a man and a human being. If she truly loves you and is willing to support you during your self actualization of your full potential (and she actually SEES and NOTICES that you are, in fact, making strides in your betterment), then your relationship DOES have a chance! Good luck and let us know if everything works out well! . I suppose I just wanted to steer him away from the experiences I've been facing lately lol
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 OP, what steps have you taken to overcome this childhood trauma that caused you to treat her so poorly and disrespectfuly? Recovery is a long process and just because you miss her and think you have changed, you won't know that UNTIL you are back with her and once again face the same emotional challenges. So again what steps have you taken to recover and get healthy? Therapy? Deep introspection? Meditation? If not I would urge you to seek some sort of therapy. Your issues are deep, and if not treated and healed, all your relationships will suffer the same demise. I would advise NOT going back until you know you are fully healed from the past, which tales a lot longer than five months.
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