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Never been married and in one's 30s (or more) - your thoughts?

shamen

By shamen
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shamen Established Member

shamen

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This was originally posted in Alpha's "Why do women feel like they own you after you've slept together?" thread. I asked Goodnbad if I could make a new thread on this part of the discussion as I was curious as to what people thought (and I was about to get off-topic)...

 

It was suggested that the woman that he was seeing was a bit off...

 

 

Goodnbad said...

 

Maybe I'm totally off on this and she really is just a normal, balanced person but IMO, she sounds a little off-kilter to me. She is 39 with no kids and never been married? I wonder why that is.......

 

(hoping not to get roasted by all those single 39ers with no kids! )

 

 

I said...

 

36 here, no marriage and no kids. I just live with them and then kick them out! Marriage and kids are just not important to some people, eg. me! What good is a piece of paper?! Again, just MHO. (No offense to those of you that believe in marriage and all that.) I am a serial monogamist.

 

 

Goodnbad said...

 

No offense taken here! I will be honest, if I could go back in time, I wouldn't have married at all. In my family, however, there is mucho big pressure to do the following:

 

1/Get married

2/Have a baby

3/ Have another

 

Yes, I bowed to that pressure at a time when I was younger and with little self-confidence or sense of what I wanted in life. No way do I have a problem with those who don't follow the 'schedule' and I admit, I am also a little envious!

 

 

I always find this so interesting... I know that any time that I've been asked to get married, it was not my time. Now, I don't even think that this is even something that I really want to do. My family, especially my dad, has definitely been weirded out by the fact that I haven't gotten married. I just don't think that it's all that important. I don't see myself having kids and so therefore, really, what's the point of the paper?

 

I am a practicer, seriously, of serial monogamy. I, all too often, end up with one guy at a time and it'll last for years. The last one was 4, before that 2 years, before that one a 3 year long relationship, and even before him another 2 year long one. This really hasn't been on purpose, it just sorta happens that way. Yeah, I've dated guys here and there until I found someone that I clicked with in between, but by and large, I tend to have years-long relationships.

 

When I get bored, I leave. When it's not working out, time to go.

 

Maybe it's healthy and maybe not, but I'm curious as to what people think. Do most people think that people who've never been married and in their 30s are bizarre and off-kilter, or have serious issues? So many people that I know are the same way (serial monogamists), but then maybe it's just the kind of people that I know... :D

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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I'm 36, single, never been married. I could have been, if I wanted. But I wasn't ready. I am ready now but only because I met someone that I was head-over-heels in love with. Turns out, she wasn't head-over-heels for me. But the reason I waited is I wanted the feeling of being totally in love and it took me until now to find it. Call me a late bloomer.

 

Plus, I wanted to live the single guy life and have a good time and get all that stuff behind me so that when I do get married, I'll be 100% into it and never look back and say "WHAT IF?!"

 

I also think waiting this long is good in the sense that I have a solid career and can support a family. I could not have done that in my early 20's.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Interesting. You're glad that you've waited, but now you're ready. So, you still want to get married at some point even though you've been burned?

 

I'm with you in that I think that I am a lot more successful in terms of my profession and ready monetarily for marriage, but admittedly, I'm STILL probably not ever going to get married.

 

Yep, I first got asked when I was 21. He was a really good guy too, I was just not there with him like that. Knew in my gut that I had a lot of wild oats to sow yet...

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by shamen

Interesting. You're glad that you've waited, but now you're ready. So, you still want to get married at some point even though you've been burned?

 

Yes, I do. But again, I have to have the same "head-over-heels", "I'd do anything for you" feeling that I had with ex. They have to "complete" me. Yes, I know it's an overly used cliche but for me, but I desire the feeling.

 

I think if I let getting "burned" bother me then I'll quite possibly allow Ms. Right to pass me by. I don't want to do that. Things work out they way they do for a reason. Either she comes around and realizes I AM what she wants or she doesn't. Either way, I don't think I should wait around to find out. I'll keep my eyes open but with my lessons learned from the ex, be in better shape to love again.

 

I'm with you in that I think that I am a lot more successful in terms of my profession and ready monetarily for marriage, but admittedly, I'm STILL probably not ever going to get married.

 

Some people never will. It's just the way they want their life to be.

 

Yep, I first got asked when I was 21. He was a really good guy too, I was just not there with him like that. Knew in my gut that I had a lot of wild oats to sow yet...

 

Hmm, my Ex said these same words to me "I'm just not there yet...."

 

Bummer.

followingthru Member

followingthru

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Maybe it's healthy and maybe not, but I'm curious as to what people think. Do most people think that people who've never been married and in their 30s are bizarre and off-kilter, or have serious issues? So many people that I know are the same way (serial monogamists), but then maybe it's just the kind of people that I know... :D

 

 

i don't think it's weird. i actually think it makes perfect sense. back in the day when marriages lasted, it was b/c they were economically necessary. people couldn't make in life if they didn't get married and have babies. it just wasn't possible, unless their family was really wealthy or something. and for "pre-civilization" humans, it would have been completely out of the question.

 

nowadays, in an industrial nation, marriage no longer serves a serious economic function. so we marry for companionship. as it turns out, we aren't that good at lifelong companionship when we don't need each other for real.

 

so, anyway, i think it is perfectly normal not to be interested in getting married. i know i'm not.

 

it's too bad tho, b/c it is much better for children to have two parents who are happy together.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Yes, I do. But again, I have to have the same "head-over-heels", "I'd do anything for you" feeling that I had with ex. They have to "complete" me. Yes, I know it's an overly used cliche but for me, but I desire the feeling.

 

I think if I let getting "burned" bother me then I'll quite possibly allow Ms. Right to pass me by. I don't want to do that. Things work out they way they do for a reason. Either she comes around and realizes I AM what she wants or she doesn't. Either way, I don't think I should wait around to find out. I'll keep my eyes open but with my lessons learned from the ex, be in better shape to love again.

 

Hmm, my Ex said these same words to me "I'm just not there yet...."

 

Bummer.

 

I'm glad that you still feel positive about the thought of getting married. You're obviously keeping yourself healthy emotionally. Having someone complete me would be awesome, but I just don't know if I'll ever feel this crazy head over heels stuff... I think that that's only something that one can feel in the beginning. That love progresses into something else. Something simple, and quiet and beautiful...

 

It's funny, because I've been burned by a couple of somebodies recently and I've decided to date someone new even though the timing on my end is kind of bad. I don't want to let that make me not date someone that I connected to in terms of conversation and background.

 

Things do indeed happen for a reason. I'm also glad that you're not waiting around for your ex to figure things out. You're doing what you need to do to recover from your situation.

 

I'm sorry that I reiterated the statement that your ex said to you... :( I was a young kid then...

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by followingthru

 

i don't think it's weird. i actually think it makes perfect sense. back in the day when marriages lasted, it was b/c they were economically necessary. people couldn't make in life if they didn't get married and have babies. it just wasn't possible, unless their family was really wealthy or something. and for "pre-civilization" humans, it would have been completely out of the question.

 

nowadays, in an industrial nation, marriage no longer serves a serious economic function. so we marry for companionship. as it turns out, we aren't that good at lifelong companionship when we don't need each other for real.

 

so, anyway, i think it is perfectly normal not to be interested in getting married. i know i'm not.

 

it's too bad tho, b/c it is much better for children to have two parents who are happy together.

 

Interesting points, followingthru. Very social psychology. :laugh: You're probably right. That we don't NEED to get married like we once did. Marrying for companionship? Some people are into it and some just aren't, I agree.

 

I do get the feeling, though, that society in general continues to think that people like you and I who chose not to get married are aberrations and that there's something wrong with us...

 

I would also imagine that many of us who are not really interested in getting married probably aren't that into having kids either. Could be wrong... If I ever did have a kid, I would prefer to be married. But I don't really see that happening either. Again, just not really that interested in having kids.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by shamen

I'm glad that you still feel positive about the thought of getting married. You're obviously keeping yourself healthy emotionally. Having someone complete me would be awesome, but I just don't know if I'll ever feel this crazy head over heels stuff... I think that that's only something that one can feel in the beginning. That love progresses into something else. Something simple, and quiet and beautiful...

 

With time, I only grew to love my Ex even more. The more I learned about her, the more I loved everything about her and it only made my feelings stronger. If you're with someone whom you don't feel "head over heels" for, then I can understand growing apart. Wait until you find someone who blows you away in the sense that you're good friends, great lovers and you think of them all the time, even after a year of dating. In my case, I would have laid down my life for her. I would DESTROY anyone who tried to harm her. I would do anything to make her happy. I was considerate of her needs. I pampered her a bit much and was too clingy (I craved her attention) and in the end, that probably caused the demise of our relationship, but I learned what I did wrong and would never repeat those same mistakes. I just hope I am lucky enough to find someone else that I feel this way about.

 

It's funny, because I've been burned by a couple of somebodies recently and I've decided to date someone new even though the timing on my end is kind of bad. I don't want to let that make me not date someone that I connected to in terms of conversation and background.

 

Things do indeed happen for a reason. I'm also glad that you're not waiting around for your ex to figure things out. You're doing what you need to do to recover from your situation.

 

That's. That's exactly what I am doing though I should go NC with her parents. They're encouraging me to stay friends with her and be "around" when/if she changes her mind. I'm not counting on it. NC has been implemented and if she wants me, she'll have to have a heart to heart with herself and change her attitude and outlook on life. Otherwise it won't work.

 

I'm sorry that I reiterated the statement that your ex said to you... :( I was a young kid then...

 

No worries. She's only 27 so technically she's still pretty young :)

johan Established Member

johan

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I'm 34. No marriages no kids. It feels like it's time for me. I am healthier and happier with someone than without. Like Confused, the career is underway, I have a good income, house, cars, cats, etc. So I'd love it if my girlfriend (or whatever she is) would get it together and come join me.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

With time, I only grew to love my Ex even more. The more I learned about her, the more I loved everything about her and it only made my feelings stronger. If you're with someone whom you don't feel "head over heels" for, then I can understand growing apart. Wait until you find someone who blows you away in the sense that you're good friends, great lovers and you think of them all the time, even after a year of dating. In my case, I would have laid down my life for her. I would DESTROY anyone who tried to harm her. I would do anything to make her happy. I was considerate of her needs. I pampered her a bit much and was too clingy (I craved her attention) and in the end, that probably caused the demise of our relationship, but I learned what I did wrong and would never repeat those same mistakes. I just hope I am lucky enough to find someone else that I feel this way about.

 

That's exactly what I am doing though I should go NC with her parents. They're encouraging me to stay friends with her and be "around" when/if she changes her mind. I'm not counting on it. NC has been implemented and if she wants me, she'll have to have a heart to heart with herself and change her attitude and outlook on life. Otherwise it won't work.

 

No worries. She's only 27 so technically she's still pretty young :)

 

Wow! Guess I've never experienced the kind of crazy love that you had with your ex. I don't know, maybe I'm just not programmed that way. The only person I've every sorta felt that way about was a friend of mine... I screwed that up royally, but that's another story. And we never even slept together!

 

You're learning from your mistakes, good! The too clingy thing is a bit of a turn off for me too, no offense. I am so independent and love time with the girls and all my friends. I'm sure that you'll meet someone again that you feel that way about!

 

Ouch, you're still in touch with her parents? You're right in that you should probably go NC with them too... I've had some bf's parents in the past that I've missed more than the bf. I feel your pain.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by johan

I'm 34. No marriages no kids. It feels like it's time for me. I am healthier and happier with someone than without. Like Confused, the career is underway, I have a good income, house, cars, cats, etc. So I'd love it if my girlfriend (or whatever she is) would get it together and come join me.

 

Hi Johan,

 

I'm sorry to hear that things are kinda messy with your current gf. I hope that the two of you are able to figure out what's going on... Some of us (women, but I guess really, all people) have a harder time figuring out what we want than others. I know that you've said before in my "... counseling self discoveries" thread that I sounded like your gf. I truly hope that she can figure out what she wants so you can have some sort of knowledge about where the two of you are going.

 

Hang in there.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by shamen

Wow! Guess I've never experienced the kind of crazy love that you had with your ex. I don't know, maybe I'm just not programmed that way. The only person I've every sorta felt that way about was a friend of mine... I screwed that up royally, but that's another story. And we never even slept together!

 

You're learning from your mistakes, good! The too clingy thing is a bit of a turn off for me too, no offense. I am so independent and love time with the girls and all my friends. I'm sure that you'll meet someone again that you feel that way about!

 

Ouch, you're still in touch with her parents? You're right in that you should probably go NC with them too... I've had some bf's parents in the past that I've missed more than the bf. I feel your pain.

 

It's tough. I have no family here, they are the closest thing I have to that.

 

What's worse is, they want me to marry her. But both agree, let her figure out how great I am for her on her own.

Marshbear Established Member

Marshbear

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I'm 32 and never been married, no kids. I have gotten close a couple of times but the first one fell apart after I found her with my good friend and the second ended because she wasn't ready. I still feel that it is a good idea and am not opposed to marriage. If you close yourself off because you might get hurt again I feel you miss out on a beautiful, loving part of life.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

It's tough. I have no family here, they are the closest thing I have to that.

 

What's worse is, they want me to marry her. But both agree, let her figure out how great I am for her on her own.

 

Sorry to hear that you don't have any family where you are... that can suck. I don't have any family where I live either.

 

God, they want you to marry her? Yes, absolutely, let her figure it out for herself. I hope that she sees what a great guy you are too! But, you are definitely doing the right thing with NC. I wish you much luck.

 

 

Marshbear,

 

I hope that you find the person that you are looking for! Don't know exactly why I am opposed to marriage. Who knows, maybe if I felt the kind of love that Confused did for his ex then maybe I would want it too...

moimeme Established Member

moimeme

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I don't think it's so much an issue of whether you're married or not but whether you've been able to sustain any sort of long-term relationship that might be a concern. Each relationship is a learning experience so if you had not had any by now, you'd be 'way behind the game in terms of learning what you want, don't want, etc. You also may not have developed any of the skills it takes to sustain a relationship since you could be getting locked into certain patterns you're unwilling to change, meaning you may never be able to live with someone.

 

You've had several relationships; it's not as though you've lived a nun's life or anything ;P

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by moimeme

I don't think it's so much an issue of whether you're married or not but whether you've been able to sustain any sort of long-term relationship that might be a concern. Each relationship is a learning experience so if you had not had any by now, you'd be 'way behind the game in terms of learning what you want, don't want, etc. You also may not have developed any of the skills it takes to sustain a relationship since you could be getting locked into certain patterns you're unwilling to change, meaning you may never be able to live with someone.

 

You've had several relationships; it's not as though you've lived a nun's life or anything ;P

 

I agree wholeheartedly.

hotgurl Established Member

hotgurl

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Well I am so going against the grain here. But Mid-thirties ok but I would think that someone in thier 40's who had never been married or had a long term relationship has commitment issues.

 

By the way 2 - 4 yrs is long but not that long. I am younger than you and have been in a 6 year relationship and currently in a 4 yr relationship. Honestly 2 yrs your still in you honeymoon period and 4 yrs is when you should either sh*t or get off the pot so to speak.

 

Also I would question if someone was capable of being in a relationship for the long haul if after their thirties they only had a series of short term relationships. What happens when something happens to your partner. I understand waiting for the right person etc.. but marriage gives a little more security at least you stating out loud in front of everyone I will be there for you whether your broke or sick. I know it's not a guarantee it's more of an intention.

 

I couldn't just live with someone for a long period of time with out marriage. It's like saying I here for now until it gets too difficult or you piss me off to much.

 

I want a life partner someone to grow old with and hold hands with, to walk with me in my twilight years to to argue with, to cuddle with and love. someone who remembers me when I was 20 and knows me now when I am 70. not a series of short relationships. If you think about it if you have relationships that are 4 yrs here and there when you are 70 the person you are with wouldn't have known you in you 20s and seen how your have grown and shared it with you.

 

Just an opoion of a hopeless romantic. BTW I am waiting for a proposal he's the one.

Debster Established Member

Debster

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I was 30 when I met my husband, he was 33.

We were talking about moving in together three months after we met.

We lived together five months afterwards.

Got engaged after nine months together.

Married after 17 months.

Together now for just over two years.

 

He is an amazing, romantic, sexy, wonderful husband.

He says he was picky and was just waiting for the right woman.

I kissed a ton of frogs and finally found the prince.

 

Sometimes when you're in your 30s you know very quickly who is the right person for you.

Don't settle.

Impressive1 Member

Impressive1

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Hey Hey Hey!! I am 30 and not married without kids... but I look at it this way, I am not divorced either...still waiting on that damned guy to rock my world...where is he???

dgiirl Established Member

dgiirl

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Originally posted by hotgurl

I couldn't just live with someone for a long period of time with out marriage. It's like saying I here for now until it gets too difficult or you piss me off to much.

 

lol... Just cos you get married, it doesnt mean you're partner wont leave because you piss him off too much. Apparently, my ex saw marriage exactly as you described above. "I'm here now until you piss me off too much".

 

 

So, which is better? Being 30 divorced or never married.

 

/me fears the answer

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by moimeme

I don't think it's so much an issue of whether you're married or not but whether you've been able to sustain any sort of long-term relationship that might be a concern. Each relationship is a learning experience so if you had not had any by now, you'd be 'way behind the game in terms of learning what you want, don't want, etc. You also may not have developed any of the skills it takes to sustain a relationship since you could be getting locked into certain patterns you're unwilling to change, meaning you may never be able to live with someone.

 

You've had several relationships; it's not as though you've lived a nun's life or anything ;P

 

Cool, Moi! Glad that someone else out there doesn't think that marriage is the be all, end all (or at least doesn't feel like it is for all people...). You're right, if one has been able to sustain long-term relationships, that says that one is capable of doing so, but chooses not to get married. Never thought about it that way. Sometimes it just feels like I need to justify myself because I've chosen not to do so.

 

Um, no, absolutely not the nun's life! :laugh:

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by Impressive1

Hey Hey Hey!! I am 30 and not married without kids... but I look at it this way, I am not divorced either...still waiting on that damned guy to rock my world...where is he???

 

Same here (though I am 36). Had someone that rocked my world, but she wasn't ready for it.

 

They are out there, disguised as nice guys!

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by hotgurl

Well I am so going against the grain here. But Mid-thirties ok but I would think that someone in thier 40's who had never been married or had a long term relationship has commitment issues.

 

By the way 2 - 4 yrs is long but not that long. I am younger than you and have been in a 6 year relationship and currently in a 4 yr relationship. Honestly 2 yrs your still in you honeymoon period and 4 yrs is when you should either sh*t or get off the pot so to speak.

 

I couldn't just live with someone for a long period of time with out marriage. It's like saying I here for now until it gets too difficult or you piss me off to much.

 

Ah, so it depends on the person and what life experience they have, like Moi said. Man, I've certainly never had a two year relationship that was still in its honeymoon phase by the time it ended. It sucked or I wouldn't have wanted out.

 

I have no problem living with someone without marriage. I never want to feel like I'm trapped forever. Isn't that awful that I think about marriage like a trap? So sorry, everybody. It just completely freaks me out.

 

That being said, the only bad thing about the choices that I've made so far and the choices that I plan on continuing to make is not having kids... Now I have to rely on my nieces and nephews to take care of me when I get old. That kinda stinks.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by Debster

Together now for just over two years.

 

He is an amazing, romantic, sexy, wonderful husband.

He says he was picky and was just waiting for the right woman.

I kissed a ton of frogs and finally found the prince.

 

Sometimes when you're in your 30s you know very quickly who is the right person for you.

Don't settle.

 

Thanks, Debster. I do believe that waiting for a long time is the way to go these days. No need to get married and have kids right away anymore.

 

Maybe someday I'll feel like Confused and be so madly in love that I need to change my mind.

 

 

 

Confused and Impressive,

 

Hope that you all meet the people of your dreams! And Confused, if it's meant to be... it will be.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by dgiirl

lol... Just cos you get married, it doesnt mean you're partner wont leave because you piss him off too much. Apparently, my ex saw marriage exactly as you described above. "I'm here now until you piss me off too much".

 

So, which is better? Being 30 divorced or never married.

 

/me fears the answer

 

Good points as well. If I would've married every guy that asked me, I would be married and divorced 4 times already! Marriage is certainly no guarantee that your partner won't leave you...

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