jambes Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Hi all, To cut a long story short my gf (2 year relationship) recently broke up with me. Her main reason being that i didnt give her enough attention anymore and she felt tired struggling for it alone. What she didnt know at that moment was that i had relapsed in an old addiction (cannabis) and it got out of hand to a point where nothing really mattered to me anymore and i got apathetic. So she breaks up, we cry, we say our goodbyes and leave each other alone for about a week. I call her after a week and admit to her my problem and the true reason for our growing apart. I expected her to feel angry or betrayed but instead she gave me a shoulder to cry on and said well get thru this together. She even sent me an email later that night with a few adresses of places tending to addicts and recovery. The next days we have contact like we used to. Daily phonecalls, we went out to do a bunch of nice things (due to my addiction or behaviour we hadnt been doing nice things in a while prior to break up), we made plans for the next weeks. Then one night she calls me telling me she has the feeling nothing has really changed, and she needs space. I was starstruck again, as i thought we were working to make it work again. There was no conflict prior to this message, nor had i been un- or overattentive. I respect her decision and go into no contact for another week. I really struggle during this week, i was so confused... After that week she breaks nc, calls me up for something practical (we used to live together and it had something to do with the waterbill). That really hurt. She was cold and kept distance. She wouldnt respond to my questions as to why she shifted 180 that fast. She said she wanted to move on, could never forget what i had done, it would Always stand between us, and that she didnt miss me (this last one really hurt the most, she didnt respond to a question i might have asked like do you miss me, she said it spontanouasly) She asked me how i was doing. I told her the truth (i feel like ****). She then told me if it would help me if she called every once i a while. I said yes at the moment, desperately wanting to keep her in my life, hoping she would call me every day again. Offcourse she didnt and she hasnt called since (been a week). Now Im stuck, i dont know what to do. If she calls me it will be out of pity, thats my fear. She has clearly detached and sees these calls as her 'duty, at least thats how i feel now. I will never get out of that call or prolonged contact what i want. I should just ignore her when (if) she rings, for my own good, to let healing take place, to move forward. Or just tell her that same thing in person. but Im scared. What if she changes her mind about us, what if i throw out possibilities by throwing her out of my life... What if she wants to get back together and im not there to hear that... My question would be if she calls, what should i do... Reading this back out loud, i know it sounds silly. I know i should give up. It just hurts. Thanks for reading
Ruby65 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Well, you shouldn't wait or plan for a phone call from her, first of all. And really, it's time to cut the cord and go No Contact. This is the best way for you to heal. As you've already discovered, nothing good comes from staying in contact with an ex after a breakup. It only keeps YOU from moving on and keeps THEM from experiencing life without you. Check out the No Contact guide posted on this site. I think in your case, your ex wasn't really being honest about the reason for the breakup. You were hoping that if you solved the "problem" and started doing fun things again, she'd want to get back together. But really, she didn't leave because of your addiction issues or you taking her for granted because of them.... she left because her feelings for you changed. And lost feelings *usually* don't come back. In the rare cases they do, it usually happens after an extended period without any contact at all. At this point, your best bet is to assume this breakup is permanent and go about healing and taking care of yourself and your own issues. Finish any lingering bills/financial business between you, wish her the best, block her everywhere online and cut off her means of contacting you in the future. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck to you! 2
jen1447 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 I'd take her call(s) but tell her what you said here, that you don't really see any point and that you feel it would be best if you just mutually agreed to end it. Then start moving on on better terms. 1
Satu Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 You have a golden opportunity in front of you. You can focus on your healing, and the work of bringing yourself to your full potential. Dedicate some time to that, and you'll find things, good things, inside you that you that you didn't know were there. Good luck.
aloneinaz Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Great advice all ready give. You should get yourself over your addiction. Put that behind you. Shore up any other issues you know you need to improve on so your at your best for your next relationship. As far as your ex? I totally agree to resolve any final $ issues and then go NC so you can heal and move on. I personally wouldn't respond to any contact w/her after that. There's no point.
Author jambes Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 thanks for the advice and reality check... sucks to have been in denial when you swore you'd be smarter next time (it happened to me before obv) I took that final step and deleted her number just now (she was already 'defacebooked'). With it I (hope to) symbolize a marking point, indeed an absolute NC. I'm not taking her calls either. I must admit that brought slight relief for a while though now i'm not sure i'm not mistaking that feeling for some kind of vengeangefeeling if you know what i mean. Anyway, my mind seems to be going in the right direction (for a large part thanks to reading this forum) but my heart seems slow on following suit... There is some clearance in the mist and part of me looks forward to looking after ME and tackling MY issues. Still lots of hurting and missing too. The grieving part is Always a tough one to chew, i know. I can rationalize. On a good day. Still, goddam goddam
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