autigrgrad Posted April 24, 2005 Posted April 24, 2005 This is pretty long but I do need some advice. Thanks. I have been dating this guy for over 5 months. He is 41 and I am 36. He was married for about 2 years/divorced for 4 and has a 6yr old girl. I was married for 13.5 years/just divorced and have an 8yr old boy. Here is the problem. His ex wife is a very bad mom. My BF has primary custody of his child. They do split their time with her although my BF has her about 2/3 of the month. The ex thinks that she has her more than my BF. I have a schedule that my ex and I follow to a T. They have never had a schedule and set one up to work with mine. The problem is that my BF's ex is always calling at the last minute asking if he will watch his daughter so she can go here or there. This always screws up plans that we have made. I understand that he doesn't want her to stay with a babysitter. She went to Las Vegas last weekend and their little girl spent 6 nights with her dad. She did not see her mom until this past Wed. night. She was supposed to have her all the way through tomorrow, Monday. Here is the latest scenario. For example, this weekend...His ex's sister got married. Their little girl was in the wedding so she went to the rehearsal dinner and then of course the wedding and the reception. This was supposed to be our weekend alone with no children. Friday night at the rehearsal dinner, the ex called and said that their little girl wasn't feeling well could he come and get her. So of course he did and our night together was not what it should have been. She was not sick, she had a little cough and was congested. I came to the conclusion that the mom just wanted to party and her daughter was bored and she didn't want to have to deal with her so she pushed her daughter off on my BF. We spend the night together when we don't have our kids. I have spent the night over there when he has his little girl. He lets her sleep with him every night and he has a full size bed so it is very small for the 3 of us. I ended up sleeping on the couch Friday night because she cried about sleeping in her own room. Saturday night the ex calls 3 times and asks if he could come and pick her up from the reception. The first 2 times he said no but the third time he gave in because she told him that she found a babysitter and that she was going to have her spend the night with this babysitter that no one knew. I wouldn't want that to happen to my son either. So there I was on a Saturday night asleep in my bed at 9:30 all by myself because he went to get his daughter. I don't mind staying with him when she is there but she refuses to sleep in her bed. She is a spoiled brat and gets what she wants all the time. He does not reprimand her. She is daddy's little girl with a bitch for a mother. Of course she doesn't know that about her mom. I am a pretty strict mom and stick to my schedule. This is driving a major wedge between us and I have told him so. He feels that if he get his ex to keep to the schedule and get his little girl to sleep in her own room then there will be no problems. He loves me so much and I love him too but I don't know if I can keep doing this. I know that his daughter comes first. Am I asking too much? What should I do? He tells me that this has nothing to do with me and his feelings for me. He needs to be there for his daughter. I do understand that but I get very hurt. I think that I may be too needy of a person for him. I do get very disappointed/pissed off when our plans change because I am a schedule person and he is not. I know when I don't have my son I like to spend my free time with my BF. He lives 25-30 minutes away. He says that he wants to be with me all the time too. I do think that if we were to all be together under one roof things would be different. I have told him to file for full custody. He thinks that it would put more of a rift between him and his ex. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am too old for this ****. Thanks.
Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Posted April 24, 2005 My guess is your BF does a lot of what he does out of "Single Parent Guilt" when he has his daughter he doesn't want to do anything that would be upsetting to her because he isn't there all of the time.... While this isn't uncommon.. of course it can and often does cause a lot of problems in relationships that single parents find themselves in later. From your perspective his EXW is a B*tch and a bad Mother... while I can understand your frustration with her actions I can also say that on so many levels I do understand why your BF does the things he does in being accomadating... My EXH pawns our kids off on his Mother every other weekend that HE is suppose to be having parenting time with them... he doesn't have them over nights any longer and hasn't for about 2 months now because he and his GF have moved in with HER parents and he (My EXH) says they don't have enough room for my Kids in the house.. OR he will suppose to have our kids on certain days of the week and then not show up or will call to say he can't keep them... so yeah, I go and get them OR when he wants to pawn them off on his Mom and my Kids don't want to stay with her.. then yeap it's up to ME as their Mom to go get them... reason being.. I WON'T allow my kids to feel they are unwanted, or a pain in the a**.... I don't want them to feel displaced or not wanted. So I have to pick up the slack for my EXH because he's an idiot... but I don't do it for HIM I do it for my Little People.. This is something with your BF that probably isn't going to change any time soon if ever... I guess sometimes you have to re-evaluate what you can live with and what you can't... I just ended my relationship with my BF last night partly because although he is a single parent... he didn't want to give my Kids the same time or courtesy I gave to his... it was something I couldn't live with. Good Luck
Author autigrgrad Posted April 24, 2005 Author Posted April 24, 2005 Thanks Merin. You always give good advice. She has to be the world's worst mother. She said that she would watch her daughter today. My BF called and asked her when she was coming to get her and she thought that he was going to keep her all day. He told her no that he had to break both of his dates with me this weekend and he was coming over to see me. She said that was fine. She was going to dinner with her parents before they flew home and her daughter could join them. She only thinks of herself. I have spoken to her once on the phone. I am afraid that if I meet her I would have to kill her. LOL I am not sure about the "single father guilt" because he does have her the majority of the time. I just think that he spoils her and gives her what she wants because her mom doesn't do any of those things. When she is with her mom she will call my BF and say that wants to come and see him. I do understand why my BF does what he does for his daughter. She needs some kind of stability and her mom doesn't seem to be able to give it to her. I just don't know how much more of this I can handle. I think that if we were all under the same roof and saw each other every day, things would be different. I could handle his ex changing our plans because we would have ample time to spend with each other. I am just going to take this relationship one day at a time and realize when he has to change plans for his daughter it is in her best interest and has nothing to do with how he feels about me. I do know that he loves me. He tells me how much he misses me, loves me and thinks about me all the time. I am sorry that you and your BF broke up. My BF is so good with my son. Maybe your BF will come to his senses and realize what a good person he just lost. How long were you together? How long were you married and how long have you been divorced? This dating is all so new to me after being married for 13 years. I have so much to learn. Thanks again for all of your advice.
Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Posted April 24, 2005 Awe thanks! Well as for me.. I've been divorced from that fool for almost 3 years.. he was a crappy Dad when we were together and he's just maintaining the status quo... I can tell you that I have My Little people FULL TIME and I STILL have a lot of "Mommy Guilt" this is part of the break up between my BF and I last night... I wouldn't get a sitter for my Kids because they didn't want to go... I won't have my Kids feel like I don't want them or pawn them off because I have better things to do.. they get that enough from thier Dad... My BF always wants me to spend his weekends with him when he has his kids but has never been willing to spend even ONE DAY of the weekend with me when I have mine... when I let him know last night that I didn't get a sitter he wasn't all about it (no suprise) I WON'T have this kind of BS in my Life... my kids have been sh*t on enough by thier Dad and I won't let anyone else do that to them. Dating as a single parent is hard... the thing is... I DON'T NEED OR WANT a Guy to be my kids dad.. they have one (not a great one but I digress) but hell yeah I do expect them to treat my kids the way they would want thier own kids to be treated and if they can't give that then they need to keep stepping. BTW I was with my BF for 4 months... You've been with your BF for a month longer... so I guess I would say be strong in what you want, don't settle, and be sure of what you can live with.... Again.. best wishes
innerconflict Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 I can relate to this topic. I have been with my bf going on six months. He has a five year old son from a previous relationship. His son and I have become best friends. He is constantly by my side. I pray everyday that we continue to have a good relationship, no matter what comes along our path. His mother is a slack one. She will complain to my bf that their son is spending too much time with us. But when he suggests that their son spend an extra night with her, she than says she has plans. We even found out that when she says she wants to spend time with him, he ends up at her mother's house for the night. Go figure. Once the mother found out how well her son and I get along, she finds more ways to be a pain in the butt. If it is time for him to stay with us, she sends him in older, worn out clothing. With no change of clothing. I remember a few times where she complains about sending back the clothes she bought for their son. Sheesh....how petty. My bf is applying for full custody. He is tired of her games. I will be happy once it is all said and done. It gets pretty childish.
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