Guy trying to get close to my GF?

[minimus]

Ok so my gf and i have been together about 9 months. And so far things have been great. We both love each other and we're really happy together.

 

But recently my gf brought to my attention that one of her male coworkers has been hitting on her. She told me that hes invited her out to dinner and drinks at least twice, knowing that she is in a relationship. He has her number, theyre both part of an office-wide group text, so thats how hes been asking her out. Now it hasnt bothered me really because I do trust her and I dont think shed ever do something to hurt me. But the other day I noticed that she added him as a friend on several social media sites. And I cant help but feel a little uncomfortable. I mean, if there was a girl who made it clear that she was interested in me knowing I was in a relationship, the last thing I would do is try to get her more involved in my life by actively seeking her out and adding her on several social media sites. And its not even like theyre friends, and they barely qualify as acquaintances. The only real connection they have is that they work in the same building, have talked in passing, and that he is interested in her.

 

So Im a little confused as to why she would go out looking for this guy online unless either a) she actually is interested in him, or b) enjoys the attention he gives her. So I guess my question is, am I wrong in feeling a little bit uncomfortable with my gf adding this guy? Does that seem a little bit questionable, or am I just overreacting?

Edited May 22, 2015 by minimus

[sandylee1]

Why not tell her that she could be giving the guy the wrong idea by adding him on her SM. Give her the scenario as though a girl was hitting on you, then you added her as a friend. How would she feel and what would she think about it.

 

I find it helps to reverse the situation, as long as you are dealing with an empathetic person.

[d0nnivain]

You are not wrong for feeling uncomfortable. Social media is huge open window into someone's life.

 

I think sandylee's suggestion to remind your GF that adding this guy is sending a message that she may be open to his advances is a good one. Be gentle when you offer the insight & don't attack or accuse your GF. If she gets angry you may have more of a problem on your hands.

[minimus]

Thanks for the responses, I really appreciate it! Now I know if I discussed it with her, she would most likely understand where Im coming from. But the issue Im having is that I still cant understand why I would need to have this discussion with her in the first place. Im having trouble figuring out why she even went out of her way to look the guy up on -3- social media platforms unless theres more going on. I mean, wouldnt anybody be able to tell that doing something like that sends out the wrong message? Doesnt that show at least some level of interest on her part? Shes a really sharp girl so I know she isnt totally oblivious to that

Edited May 22, 2015 by minimus

[salparadise]

Im having trouble figuring out why she even went out of her way to look the guy up on -3- social media platforms unless theres more going on.

 

a) she actually is interested in him, or

b) enjoys the attention

 

I mean, wouldnt anybody be able to tell that doing something like that sends out the wrong message? Doesnt that show at least some level of interest on her part? Shes a really sharp girl so I know she isnt totally oblivious to that

 

Yes, absolutely.

 

If she's a sharp girl, not oblivious, then she's also aware that you're aware. She's phukking with your head.

 

My thought is that when she told you about him to begin with, an appropriate response might be, "ok then, it's up to you to shut him down." Perhaps you need to have this talk now. Of course, you'd just be telling her what she already knows with the expectation that she will behave as you'd like her to.

 

And of course we can't control what anyone else does, so even if she unfriended him on social media you'd still be wondering it there is something going on. I'd say you have a problem on your hands here OP, sorry to say.

 

Another strategy might be to just give her enough rope to hang herself, and if that's what she does then accept the reality and find yourself someone who is not predisposed to biting every time someone throws a hook her way.

[minimus]

Thanks for your input. My guts been telling me something isnt right about the situation. It just sucks to know how she would feel if she were in my shoes. I know how insecure she can be and how uncomfortable it would make her had I done that, yet she chose to do it anyway. Feels bad lol:(

[Clarence_Boddicker]

She's obviously interested in him to some degree, or she would have shot him down the first time. Added him is a huge red flag. How's your relationship really like? How much has her behavior changed lately?

[minimus]

a) Another strategy might be to just give her enough rope to hang herself, and if that's what she does then accept the reality and find yourself someone who is not predisposed to biting every time someone throws a hook her way.

 

So what exactly do you suggest, because Im kinda at a loss here about what I should do. So far it seems like my options are a) do nothing until she either breaks up with me or worse. b)talk to her about it but always wonder why she did it, or c)do nothing and hope I was just jumping to conclusions

[d0nnivain]

The only thing I can think of is that she's being nice to a co-worker without realizing the mixed messages. I could see myself making a similar mistake if social media had been around when I was younger.

 

Talk to her.

[minimus]

She's obviously interested in him to some degree, or she would have shot him down the first time. Added him is a huge red flag. How's your relationship really like? How much has her behavior changed lately?

 

Our relationship hasnt changed at all, which is why I was a little unsettled by this at first. But to clarify, she did shoot him down in respect to the dates. She did tell him she had a boyfriend. But my initial thought is that she couldnt have been to firm with him if this is still going on.

[Friskyone4u]

This guy can ask her out a million times. That is not the problem my friend. The problem is HER reaction to it. You stated the reasons

(1) she is interested

(2) she likes the attention

 

And adding him to her social media sites is a HUGE RED FLAG! What explanation could she have for that. As a matter of fact, she could have shut this down by telling him why she is REFUSING to add him, and that is that she has a boyfriend.

 

You need to ask her why she has reached out and enabled more contact with someone trying to interlope into your relationship.

 

understand also, workplace affairs are the hardest to detect and the hardest to stop. i suggest you NOT sit there and wait and hope.

[I_Give_Up67]

a) she actually is interested in him, or

b) enjoys the attention

 

 

 

Yes, absolutely.

 

If she's a sharp girl, not oblivious, then she's also aware that you're aware. She's phukking with your head.

 

My thought is that when she told you about him to begin with, an appropriate response might be, "ok then, it's up to you to shut him down." Perhaps you need to have this talk now. Of course, you'd just be telling her what she already knows with the expectation that she will behave as you'd like her to.

 

And of course we can't control what anyone else does, so even if she unfriended him on social media you'd still be wondering it there is something going on. I'd say you have a problem on your hands here OP, sorry to say.

 

Another strategy might be to just give her enough rope to hang herself, and if that's what she does then accept the reality and find yourself someone who is not predisposed to biting every time someone throws a hook her way.

 

 

^^^ Sounds to me like she may be interested in this guy as well.

 

If she has a narcissistic personality, then her telling you that he has been hitting on her, may be her twisted way of not being able to contain her mutual interest.

 

In other words, she just had to tell somebody. Why else would she add him on social media?

Edited May 22, 2015 by I_Give_Up67

[mammasita]

She's obviously interested in him to some degree, or she would have shot him down the first time. Added him is a huge red flag. How's your relationship really like? How much has her behavior changed lately?

 

THIS exactly.

 

When I was younger, and I imagine you are young 20ish (if not she has some maturing to do)? I could have been that girl. "Happy" in my relationship and telling my man that someone was hitting on me when in reality I was playfully telling this guy hitting on me that I was in a relationship which made him want to continue - like there was a chance for him.....because I liked the attention.

 

Key words in bold.

 

The only reason she has for adding this guy on social media is because she likes the attention and options.

 

With experience and the person I've become, I know better. Nip it in the bud - block and ignore.

[minimus]

Ultimately, the more I think about it, the more it seems like this is a case of her enjoying the attention as opposed to actually being interested in the guy. Not only does he not really fit the bill for the type of guy she'd be interested in, but she also does have self esteem issues. So I think this is a case of her feeling validated by someone being interested in her and making her feel desired (despite the fact she says I do this well). But dont get me wrong, I do find this totally inappropriate and disrespectful as well.

Edited May 22, 2015 by minimus

[d0nnivain]

Everybody like attention. We all want to feel desirable.

 

If the worst thing she does is add some guy on social media, try to find a way not to blow up an otherwise healthy relationship over this. I highly doubt she's doing it deliberately to disrespect you, which is why I counsel again coming at her with guns blazing.

 

Help her work on her self esteem.

 

Do keep an eye on things.

[No Limit]

What he does doesn't matter; if your GF respects your relationship she won't do anything with him that goes beyond polite work-related smalltalk. I wouldn't panic about her adding him - I mean, what is she going to say when he asks about the friend requests? "Sorry my boyfriend doesn't want me to add you?" The attention thing is fine as long as she has boundaries. The moment she goes for dinner (because we all know what that really means) etc it's over. He might be an experienced player judging from his approach but again, it's not like she's forced to play along.

[jen1447]

Why not just ask her about it? If you feel like you can't and that you have to go all cloak and dagger to get answers at this stage, your relationship probably has other more pressing issues.

[understand50]

Why not just ask her about it? If you feel like you can't and that you have to go all cloak and dagger to get answers at this stage, your relationship probably has other more pressing issues.

 

See above, you need to talk to her about it. Let her know your concerns. If you two are to last and have a good relationship, you are going to have to learn to talk to each other in a open and honest way. If you can not do this she is not the one. This can be solved by communication, as are all problems and issues between a man and a woman. Remember, no one likes to be bullied, so start by letting her know your thought process, and ask her if she could see her having the same if she was in your shoes. Keep it nice.

 

 

1085

[StanMusial]

Just ask her why she added him. It makes no sense.

 

I just ignore social media requests that I don't want to get mixed up in.

[preraph]

I imagine she felt pressured to add him, but you never know. Either way, it's a BAD idea. I would tell her how you feel about it and ask her why she would give him this view into her personal life when she knows he's after her AND when they work together.

[sandylee1]

Thanks for the responses, I really appreciate it! Now I know if I discussed it with her, she would most likely understand where Im coming from. But the issue Im having is that I still cant understand why I would need to have this discussion with her in the first place. Im having trouble figuring out why she even went out of her way to look the guy up on -3- social media platforms unless theres more going on. I mean, wouldnt anybody be able to tell that doing something like that sends out the wrong message? Doesnt that show at least some level of interest on her part? Shes a really sharp girl so I know she isnt totally oblivious to that

 

Some people add anyone on their SM. The younger you are , the more likely you are to add people without thinking. I know you feel you shouldn't need to have this talk and I understand your POCKET.

 

Hope the talk goes well

[salparadise]

So what exactly do you suggest, because Im kinda at a loss here about what I should do. So far it seems like my options are a) do nothing until she either breaks up with me or worse. b)talk to her about it but always wonder why she did it, or c)do nothing and hope I was just jumping to conclusions

 

I don't have an exactly for you, because I know so little about you or her or your relationship. It needs to feel right to you.

 

On the lighter side of your options is a talk, as most people are suggesting. You could start out by simply asking how the situation is at work with Mr. X and see what she volunteers. If she doesn't say much or tries to brush it off then ask if she friended him on facebook or whichever and see what she says. The the other two, and then ask what else is there. Do this as non-confrontationally as possible. Then ask her how she thinks it makes you feel and wait silently for her to answer and don't let her wiggle away. This progressive questioning technique will tell you how honest and forthcoming she is generally and about this specifically.

 

However, if you think something is actually going on between them you could schedule a trip out of town on a weekend (but don't go), and see what she decides to do with her free evening. But this is probably not where you are now- only if you're already very suspicious.

[bachdude]

Maybe this is a moot point, but how do you know she sought him out to add as a friend on social media and he wasn't the one to make the friend request?

 

 

It may be he made the friend request and she accepted. Maybe she feels she made it sufficiently clear to him she is not available and is just being polite.

 

 

Keep in mind she has been very open with you about this whole situation and doesn't appear to be hiding anything from you.

[sandylee1]

Some people add anyone on their SM. The younger you are , the more likely you are to add people without thinking. I know you feel you shouldn't need to have this talk and I understand your POCKET.

 

Hope the talk goes well

 

Mistype with the word pocket. I meant I understand your feelings.

[jen1447]

Hahaha ...I was wondering what the hell that was code for.