Zetec Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 Since my breakup I’ve been frequenting these forums nearly every day - looking for advice and guidance. It has been 4 months since we split up. She must have just stopped loving me and met another guy who she works with and started talking to him/meeting him whilst we were still together (about a month before we split up). I questioned her about it and she said he was just a friend, and she felt sorry for him because he didn’t have any other friends. She started acting distant and spent all her time texting on her phone rather than speaking to me. It all acted a bit quick to be honest. We didn't have sex for ages. She sat me down one day and asked me to leave the flat. I was dumped and then made essentially homeless. I had no-where to go so spent the next couple of weeks sleeping on a friend’s sofa. There I was lying on this sofa, feeling really lonely, thinking about her having him over in our flat, sleeping in our bed, so soon after I went. When I left she didn't contact me at all. Nothing. No, tell a lie, she called me a couple of weeks later and said that she wanted me to return the key, collect my stuff and for me to hand over the debit card to our shared bank account. Guess what day she asked me to come and get my stuff? Valentine’s Day, because she was going out for the day with her new guy. As you can imagine, that felt like another knife in my heart. So fast forward to today – I now have my own little place so that is good, but no matter what I do, she is on my mind every minute of the day. I haven’t spoken to or seen her (and she hasn’t tried to make contact at all) since she asked me to collect my things. I heard from mutual friends that she is happy with this new guy, really happy. Since then I haven’t spoken to these friends as they have been spending time with my ex and her new guy. The problem I am having, and the point of this thread, is the jealousy is destroying me. All day I have this image in my head of them being together, holding hands, cuddling, kissing and having sex. The sex part is eating away at me inside, I just can’t get rid of that thought. It makes me so depressed. The fact that he is so much better looking than me (she has upgraded) adds to the jealousy even more. I’ve looked for advice, and the answer is to just let go and move on – but how do I do that!? I have tried everything – NC (no phone calls/texts begging her to come back) stopped seeing her friends, stopped doing things that we did together, socialised with my friends, binned everything that she bought me and deleted every photograph, exercised…but still, I am jealous. I know that she is not ‘my property’ and it is her life, but that really doesn’t help, and the thought of another guy pleasuring her makes me feel sick. It is eating me alive and I just don’t know what to do. I feel mentally exhausted, and depressed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, or if you have also experienced this and what you did? I’m not just being petty, this really is becoming a problem. My anti-depressants help make me feel better, but they don’t help with jealousy. If there was medication for that, I’d be hammering at my doc’s door. 1
HBK3317 Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 Dude I completely get where you are coming from, trust me I was and I think still am in your position. I get it, the constant headaches and thoughts about her holding hands, kissing, talking, basically doing everything you guys did together, lingering in your mind. It's just something which no matter what you do you can't turn off. The thing is bro, you will have to man up and accept that this is the harsh reality and nothing can be done about it whatsoever. I know it's a stupid ass advice if you can even call it that but it is what it is. I myself asked on this forum a lot of times how to get all these feelings and thoughts and jealousy out of mind and frankly speaking no one had a direct answer to solve this situation. It's just something we have to deal with. I am eight months out of my relationship and God knows how much I have cursed myself and blamed myself for letting things get out of hand but now I feel stupid and am ****ing angry at her because I get it now, it takes two to tango. Now I feel if I could turn back time i wouldn't even want to meet her because she did what no one else could, she broke me. Broke me inside out and then some and I freaking let her, God damn it! Sorry I went into a rant there. The thing I want to say is that don't worry, what you are going through a lot of people go through it and soon you too will realise it's a ducking waste of time and slowly the intensity of those thoughts will reduce, trust me on this one, it will reduce. For now you need a diversion man, watch tv, surf Reddit or cracked, binge watch Netflix, do what you have to to take your Mind off of that girl because truth be told she doesn't deserve an ounce of your valuable time and thought. Just hang in there brother, you ain't alone, we will make it through together. Just hang on. Now go on and watch those lost episodes of whatever you always wanted to watch. 1
HBK3317 Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 Dude I completely get where you are coming from, trust me I was and I think still am in your position. I get it, the constant headaches and thoughts about her holding hands, kissing, talking, basically doing everything you guys did together, lingering in your mind. It's just something which no matter what you do you can't turn off. The thing is bro, you will have to man up and accept that this is the harsh reality and nothing can be done about it whatsoever. I know it's a stupid ass advice if you can even call it that but it is what it is. I myself asked on this forum a lot of times how to get all these feelings and thoughts and jealousy out of mind and frankly speaking no one had a direct answer to solve this situation. It's just something we have to deal with. I am eight months out of my relationship and God knows how much I have cursed myself and blamed myself for letting things get out of hand but now I feel stupid and am ****ing angry at her because I get it now, it takes two to tango. Now I feel if I could turn back time i wouldn't even want to meet her because she did what no one else could, she broke me. Broke me inside out and then some and I freaking let her, God damn it! Sorry I went into a rant there. The thing I want to say is that don't worry, what you are going through a lot of people go through it and soon you too will realise it's a ducking waste of time and slowly the intensity of those thoughts will reduce, trust me on this one, it will reduce. For now you need a diversion man, watch tv, surf Reddit or cracked, binge watch Netflix, do what you have to to take your Mind off of that girl because truth be told she doesn't deserve an ounce of your valuable time and thought. Just hang in there brother, you ain't alone, we will make it through together. Just hang on. Now go on and watch those lost episodes of whatever you always wanted to watch.
brokeNlost Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 I know how you feel. I felt those same emotions when my exgf of 4yrs slept with another guy 1 week after we broke up. The only thing I can tell you that you will feel better with time. There really nothing you can do but accept it for what it is. The way I dealt with it is to brace myself for the inevitable (meaning that you should expect her to do things with him that you rather not know about) so when something else happens (like for example: her marrying that guy) You will be emotionally prepared and not be caught off guard.
Cora Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 I don't really have any advice. I know nothing I say can take away the hurt and jealousy you're feeling. I only wanted to let you know how sorry I am this happened to you. I understand that people meet someone else and move on, but she could have went about it a whole lot better. She treated you pretty ****ty and you deserve so much better! Just know that you're not alone and you will heal in your own time. We all can relate in some way or another, but only you know the exact pain you're feeling. I hope things eventually start to get easier for you. Take care of yourself.
Author Zetec Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 Thank you for taking the time to reply guys - the responses did cheer me up and give me hope that things will get better eventually. The problem I have at the moment is finding the motivation to keep on going. I've tried so much to keep myself busy as this is the advice that everyone gives, and because that isn't really working, I've stopped bothering, and now just keep myself to myself. i really hope that I can find happiness within myself and get these thoughts and jealousy out of my mind. This is one of the worst feelings in the world, and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
sandylee1 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Don't let the past consume you. Try and see it that your not wasting any more time with her. If she really loved you, this wouldn't have happened. Put it down to experience. I personally find that it someone doesn't love me, as I love them, they're not worth my time. I deserve better than that and I tell myself I can get better. Think positiveand remind yourself of the things you didn't like about her. There must be some.
PMeintjes Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I'm going through the same thing.When I think about her with another man I want to rip my face off.But we gotta realize if she chooses another man,so be it.She's going on with her life and we should too.Why should we become emotional wrecks and she's moving on? What I do to keep calm is physical activities.Weight lifting,grabbing an axe and chopping down trees,walking,running,hitting a punching bag and telling myself she's not worth it. Hope this helps.
Plaster Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Mate it sucks doesn't it. When my ex finished with me, one year mates told her rumors that I had been shagging a mutual friend. My ex didn't believe me that it was lies and she went and met up with a 'friend' and ended up staying with him all weekend. She continues to see him, she is adamant it's just sex and that he's not a patch on me and she only goes to him because she has no one else ( she doesn't have many friends that aren't mine) and because it stops her running back to me as she needs to heal before she can come back to me (so she says). It hurts. I think I think it's worse than it is, she has even said that and she's told my mum that too (they are good friends) I know it's not as bad as your situation, but the jealous and sickness is still there.. Your not alone in this feeling. Good luck mate, you gotta be strong. As have I. Time will heal the pain.
anotheroneguy Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 I feel all of you guys (you could read my thread if you want to understand why I am here), even if I don't know if my ex has a new guy (she wanted to be alone so I guess she at least had fun). Those thought are often in my head, how could she touch another guy without puking after everything she told me. What those guys could have that I don't ? Why I am not like them ? I could do everything if she just would ask ... The only things that help me is : we need to be two to make the relationship works, she might sleep with someone, I will do too, there is no futur between us if she doesn't want to or love me and that something which need to be wanted and loved by her. If it will happen she will be able to knees in front of me as I could do to prove me her love and that she made a mistake. And she would realized that maybe even more easily if she sleep with someone else. Even if I love her from all my heart and want her back more than everything I try to slowly turn this into improvement for myself and become more attractive, stronger and turn to other women. I want that all of you to know something that might just hurt as well. My first love dumped me for almost the same reason and went out with another guy couple weeks after the BU. they stayed 3 years together (more than us). One of the more difficult thing for my estime was when everybody around her (I was really close to her familly), told me "he is just a big jerk and treat her poorly, we want you to come back with her". Those kind of sentences are really not a realief so don't try to compare you to those other guys!
OldRover Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Geeze, a lot of us are in the same boat, and wish all a success. I was the one that left her, but still loved her a lot. I didn't want to leave, but the pressure of a bad future was too much. She would love me one day and the next call me a lying, cheating, f...king a.. hole, idiot.... non of which was true. She was paranoid and thought I was looking for women while she was at work.... not even close, I was VERY happy with her. She had a basic distrust for all men with a horrible past (should have known). She was way too controlling and too many swings. I was convinced that her love would not grow, but be controversial...... had been for about a year before we permanently parted. Tried, but didn't work. Well, to get over her, I did the no contact thing (only as necessary to avoid seeing her), didn't see or email her. Put her on the back of my mind and started to get busy with other things, including a wonderful lady that helped me thru this. Exercise is also a great help, which I did a lot more of. I also see nothing wrong with dating..... doesn't have to get serious, but who knows, you may find someone special that clicks. Try not to compare them, but look at the good things in the new lady and remember them. Forget the good things with the ex and only think about the bad things occasionally. Best to forget all together. The more fun you have with the new one will help the old one fade. There could be an argument to disclose the ex to the new one, if things seem to be going in the right direction, but be careful not to hurt your relationship so it can grow. I'm not over her, yet, but making progress every day, and she will eventually fade away to the point that if I see her, it will be a non issue. Time is on your side. Best of luck to all....
misspond Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Having no contact is a great way to go. Now you maybe need to start controlling the images in your head? A really useful technique I've used lots of times (for all sorts of things) is when you begin to reel out a little "film" in your head that makes you feel depressed/unhappy, or if images start to flash across you mind that make you depressed/unhappy - grab hold of that film or image and turn down the sound. Mute it. Then make the image black and white rather than full-on technicolour, then make it fade into fuzziness and at the same time shrink the image, see it getting smaller and smaller until it "blips" off into nothing. Do this each time you're bothered by those images, and immediately turn your attention to something else. Do something, anything. Go look for clips on YouTube that'll make you laugh. But each time you find yourself wandering back to that dreadful cinema screen in your head use your ability to get of those images. It's free, and you can do it all day if you need to. You should find that it gets easier to dismiss these images that are only hurting you really quickly.
Author Zetec Posted May 25, 2015 Author Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you for those that took the time to get back to me on this and share their experience. Although it doesn't help with the pain, it is reassuring to know that I'm not the only person suffering from this, and some of your suggestions have been great. I just feel like the jealousy is the final hurdle, stopping me from finishing the race. It is what's stopping me from completely letting go. Yeah I miss her, but after what she has done I wouldn't take her back (not that she would come back anyway), I just wish she wasn't so fu**ing happy. Everything is so rosy for her right now. She still has the flat, a new boyfriend and an exciting new life. I want her to feel crappy, and to have suffered like I have/am. Damn...there I go again. Jealousy
thekarmacist Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 wow... i feel for you. i've been there, too, and that jealousy WILL wreck you, so you've got to find a way to release it. this might help: past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. do you think this guy is gonna get any better than you got? not a chance. she'll do the same to him. don't be jealous; she is a turd masquerading as something better.
anotheroneguy Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Nothing will help you with the pain exept time probably (if everyone say that it should be true no ?) but it is not about the pain but about who you are. Why I am here, why I am telling my life on the internet ? because for the first time of my life (and I went throught hard stuffs) something (I should say someone which is even worse) put me on my knees. I suffer as much as I love(d) her and I don't have her anymore to light my day and my thoughts. However, you have no choice that to be on your feet and go up, even in the case (which is I guess what you want) she is coming back because : 1. would you love you like that? or would you rather prefer be with the powerfull new you ? 2. you will need to be as strong as possible to forgive and believe in the futur. And I don't talk even talk why it is important for a life without her. Why did I talk about my first love that I loved so much (we are in a good relationship and I respect her especially for what she is for me) even if, now, if I had to punch her to see my ex gf come back I would do it without a once of regret. Anyway, because when people came to me to say what they say the pain was back and the question too. I could have punch him, I had more money, I was in the most selective studies in my country, I had more hairs (he was hald bald), he was just taller than me (yes I am a short man...), he sung "rap" I am a violonist etc.... but even with all those pain, I had succeed to heal enough for knowing that even if my heart was killing me I knew that the rest of my body was strong enough to feel that I was better than him. Did it change the pain ? not at all but I was proud of me !
Author Zetec Posted May 27, 2015 Author Posted May 27, 2015 I could have punch him, I had more money, I was in the most selective studies in my country, I had more hairs (he was hald bald), he was just taller than me (yes I am a short man...), he sung "rap" I am a violonist etc.... but even with all those pain, I had succeed to heal enough for knowing that even if my heart was killing me I knew that the rest of my body was strong enough to feel that I was better than him. Did it change the pain ? not at all but I was proud of me ! That's one of the problems. He is better than me, so I can't walk away thinking she has downgraded. She has upgraded. She has scrapped the Ford and driven off in a Mercedes. He is exactly her type. I wasn't. I realised this when I met her but it's true what they say - opposites attract. I learnt so many new things and so did she - music/places to visit/films/tv shows etc. I loved that we weren't completely similar because it meant we both were trying new things.
LastBluejay Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 One thing that definitely helps me in these situations is focusing on the person you want to become - I know it's hard. You kinda want some revenge right now - that's understandable and I have felt that way (and feel that way even now with my recent relationship ending). The best revenge is to make yourself as amazing as possible - to blow up in her face (not literallly :-) Initially your motivation to work on yourself and do these things might stem from her, but I think you'll find that 1) you start to think about her less and feel better about yourself and 2) your motivation will shift from trying to be vengeful to really just loving yourself and wanting to continue the positive work you're doing. The hardest thing for me during these situations has always been to switch the focus from her to me. I think that's your big struggle, I could be wrong. But if you think this other guy is a "Mercedes" - turn yourself into a Ferrari (cheesy I know but you get the point). By the time you do, you won't even care if she thinks about you or not and you'll meet someone better.
lolablue17 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) The ancient main source of your problem lies in the exact moment which you agreed to leave YOUR flat. WTF??!!! She initiate the break up, so why are you the one to leave? Why do I think it was crucial for you to stay in, and have her moving out instead of you? Because it would show that you're taking care of yourself. She, for example was thinking only about HER. In that situation you needed to think about YOU. That is the key to a successful healing process - Taking care of YOU! But you let her be treating you like %$it, and now you're surprised you feel like sh&^. Who pays the rent now? Do you still pay the rent? Edited May 27, 2015 by lolablue17
KBarletta Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 That's one of the problems. He is better than me. Just because you think he is better looking or has more in common with her than you did, that does NOT mean he is better than you. Better for her, maybe. But not better. You need to start looking at yourself and realizing that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for. If you don't like something about yourself, start about changing it. Work on yourself, transform yourself into the person you want to be. Work out, take a class, join a club, travel. Make your life into what you want it to be. Secondly, I would advise you to seek individual counseling. If you can't afford it, try a support group for recently separated/single people. Most towns have them, sometimes in churches or community centers. It just helps to talk to people who understand what you're going through and can walk through it with you. 1
Author Zetec Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 Some good advice from everyone here - thank you I am going to try my best to focus on me. It is hard... when I lie here at night on my own, and I know that she is in bed with her new guy. Slowly accepting, and coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. Its doing nothing but making me feel crap, so I need to stop.
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