Making changes in order to create change

[misspond]

It's bloomin' hard isn't it?

 

This will probably turn into a "poor me" post but this seems to be as good a place as any to do so (Turns out this is quite long so settle in...)

 

I've experienced an "average" (if one can call it that) love life I think. Between the ages of 16 - 21 I had a lovely relationship with someone a little older than me that was destined to fail because he was my first love. After that I was single, with a couple of adventures but nothing serious, until I was 29 and he and I split up two years later because that was going no-where too.

 

At thirty-three I met a man who I was involved with for 10 years and from that union we had two gorgeous children, but again it was not a love meant to last. I tried, I (and he) really tried to hold it together even to the point of, "Let's stay together for the sake of the children", for far too long and I eventually left him 4 years ago and since then have really concentrated on making sure that me and the kids have a stable home. I've got great (no, awesome) friends, a job I love, a great network of acquaintances and now that I have a regular schedule of every other weekend off (I'm the main parent and the kids go to their dads every other weekend) I have made more of an effort to get out with my friends instead of staying in at home and filling my time with my solitary hobbies and passions.

 

I'm now 48 years old and have realised that I don't want to be alone and relying on my children for company in my dotage. I figure I'm not bad looking (not everyones cup of tea but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that) and I look after myself. Since the beginning of 2015 I've been on a handful of dates with someone I met through friends (didn't work out, no hearts broken) and a couple of dates via OLD.

 

The point of this post is that I'm thinking about how I can change my options and opportunities. Making the changes in my usual routine that will bring me into contact with new people, or that will give me the confidence to respond to men who show an interest in me.

 

Anyway, I'm floundering a bit. I'm one of those women who is independent, keeps up with current affairs, has passions and thinks about things and can discuss a wide range of subjects. I'm not overly flirty, have boundaries, go out with friends as often as I can so am off to see a fashion exhibition on my next weekend off, have booked in to an outdoor cinema with friends over two weekends, always respond to invitations from friends when I'm free and have begun to explore the world of "doing things alone" and joining local Meet Ups.

 

That's it really. I'd love to tell everyone who is 20 years younger than me that this all gets easier but I'm not sure it does. I'm doing what I can and am being open minded.

 

I think I just want you all to wish me luck because I was in a place where I thought I needed nothing more than myself and my kids and now I've realised that it's not true. I'm in a weird place where I'm both happy and dissatisfied.

 

Maybe I talk too much?

[oldshirt]

I'm 51. Nothing you have said so far sends anything resembling a red flag and I don't have any reason to believe that you wouldn't be able to accomplish your goal of finding someone special to share your lives with each other.

 

I think it comes down to what your target audience is however.

 

If your target audience is a never married, 35 year old, ambitious studio executive with six pack abs and GQ model looks, you'd better be Catherine Zeta Jones if you want to even get a hello.

 

On the other hand if your target audience is a 45-60 year old, divorced father with thinning gray hair and the six pack is somewhat obscured with padding and is in roughly the same socio economic class as you, your chances are pretty dang good. ...perhaps even an eventual certainty.

 

The deal killers for women our age are bat$h!tcrazy, chemical abuse/addiction, a lifetime of chronic heavy smoking with that nicotine odor imbedded in your leathery nicotine-damaged skin and smoke-damaged vocal cords that make you sound like a truck driver with a cold, and lots and lots of personal and family drama and baggage.

A bitter, man-hating, woman-scorned attitude will get you crossed off anyone's list real fast too.

 

 

Those are the deal killers.

 

Things that aren't necessarily deal killers but that will hamper your success are obesity, old-lady butch haircuts, chronic unemployment, failure-to-launch adult children you are still supporting and a negative view towards getting out dating.

 

So basically if you are still mentally, physically and emotionally healthy, put effort into your dress and appearance and haven't given yourself the old-lady buzzcut, and you aren't such damaged goods that you belong on Jerry Springer, then there's no reason you shouldn't be able to connect with an age-appropriate, equally healthy and squared away man of roughly your own socio economic status.

 

Of course the more physically attractive and the higher your socio economic status you are, the more physically attractive and higher socio economic status your potential suitors will be.

 

Your chances of a 30-something, never married, hard bodied, commercial real estate mogul or shipping tycoon with no children are probably behind you.

 

But your chances of a middle age, divorced, successful professional with thinning/Gray hair and children of his own are very very good.

Edited May 21, 2015 by oldshirt

[misspond]

I'm just after a man of a similar age who looks after himself, who doesn't want to just sit on the sofa watching a DVD with a bottle of wine but that might be a nice option.

 

And I'm not looking after a step-father for the kids (who are young because I was a late-starter in that respect, they're 11 and 6), I'll keep them away from him for as long as possible. I'm not after a little boy, just someone in the same age range as me. Sadly most late 40-somethings are looking for a 20-something.

[oldshirt]

I'm just after a man of a similar age who looks after himself, who doesn't want to just sit on the sofa watching a DVD with a bottle of wine but that might be a nice option.

 

And I'm not looking after a step-father for the kids (who are young because I was a late-starter in that respect, they're 11 and 6), I'll keep them away from him for as long as possible. I'm not after a little boy, just someone in the same age range as me. Sadly most late 40-somethings are looking for a 20-something.

 

That seems realistic to me and barring any of the deal breakers and pitfalls I mentioned above, I don't see any reason you can't accomplish that.

 

Men in their 40s who are educated professionals and are in good shape can get women in their 30s at least but some are not going to want to deal with women who may potentially want more children and who may have younger children than you.

 

To be honest, the ages of your children is going to be a factor. Your challenge is going to be to show that you have your home and family well managed and that the kids aren't going to be constant source of drama and chaos and that you aren't just looking for some schlep to bring home the bacon to feed them.

 

As long as you are able to demonstrate that you can take care of them and manage your own personal and family affairs effectively,it shouldn't be an outright deal breaker.

 

I think if you can show that you have your $hit together and are able to take care of your business on your own, but you just want someone special in your life to do things with and to compliment your life rather than to "fix" it, I think you will be fine.

 

Guys in your age-appropriate range are going to have their own baggage and their own challenges as well so no-one is expecting a carefree 20 year old without baggage.

 

You are just going to have to show that you are able to carry your own baggage and expect him to carry his own as well.

 

Your goal here is to each carry your own baggage side by side heading towards the same destination. It's just that it will help both of you to give each other encouragement and companionship while you are doing it ;-)

[oldshirt]

......and in case you hadn't caught my drift earlier, don't give yourself the old-lady buzzcut. That's just a walking billboard that says you have dust falling out of your vagina.

 

A few 20something's can pull off the Dorothy Hamil and the cute butchy-girl look. 40 and 50something's can't. LOL

[misspond]

Well, I think I have my ***** together, and I'm not expecting anyone to not have some baggage and previous experience that will be brought to the table.

 

I appreciate your comments and will carry on trying to get myself into a place where I can offer support to others here and find someone who appreciates me, and me him x

[gaius]

Just from the vibe I get from you Misspond I think you'll be fine. You're kind of hamstringing yourself by only going for guys your age though.

[misspond]

It's more about not actually being able to get out and about into situations where I can meet new people, and I'm just feeling a bit lost when it comes to this aspect. No matter, I'll survive.