PetitePixie Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 So some of you might remember me posting on here about a guy (ex co-worker and friend) who I had been hanging out with (going cinema, drinks) for a while before Christmas and that he was confusing me because he seemed intrested but wouldn't make a move. Well to cut a long story short, he finally kissed me on Boxing Day and on New Years Eve we went out to party and went back to his and he finally admitted that he couldn't resist me any longer and we ended up having sex (yes we had drunk alcohol but was by no means drunk). Prior to this I had slept in is bed several times and we had cuddled and such but nothing had happened which I why I posted on here in the first place. Anyways we have pretty much hung out once maybe twice a week for the past 6 months, I'll go round, he'll cook, we will watch a movie, maybe play games then go to bed, most of the time we have ended up having sex but on some occasions we have just slept in the same bed and he's held me in his arms all night, the next morning if neither one of us is at work he'll cook breakfast and we'll spend till late afternoon early evening watching TV in bed. The one thing that as always been a concern of mine as been him cancelling on me last minute with a complete lack of respect for my time (where talking like half our before we where meant to meet up) this came to an head mid February when I had asked to go round, he said yes then cancelled on me an hour before he was meant to pick me up, I told him that if I'm inviting myself over to much he can tell me (he said no he doesn't mind) then I jokingly said to him it was his fault for turning me on so much and that I didn't mind him picking me up later because I wanted sex with him. I was trying to turn him on but this clearly didn't have the desired effect because he agreed to meet up the next day but decided that because of me getting so annoyed the day before about him cancelling on me I must have been developing feeling for him and said that maybe we should stick to being friends but the sex as to stop. I assured him that he'd got the wrong end of the stick, yes I don't like him cancelling on me because it's a lack of respect for my time when he would do last minute but assured him that I don't do the whole BF/GF thing (He said he doesn't do relationships) and that I loved is friendship first and foremost but the sex part of it was great to, if we meet anyone we are upfront with each immediately, we end up back at is and straight away he breaks is own rule and we sleep with each other again. Everything goes back to "normal" up until the end of April. I spend the Monday and the Saturday at is, he's even more touchy feely than usual, tells me that he loves spending time with me, I have an amazing body, the sex is great but he loves this even more and at that point pulls me into is arms and hold me like that until the next morning then drops me off at my house in the early afternoon. I spend the next 3 weeks being my usual self with him but is distant, barely messages me back and when I ask if I can go over he makes an excuse. Anyways I asked him if he could spare me an hour in is busy schedule (I know he's not that busy because he makes times for is other friends) this Sunday just gone so we could talk. I get into the car (and before we have even pulled out of the drive he's undressing me with is eyes) and ask him if he classes me as is friend or if having a friendship with me was just a means to an end and now he's bored with me. He says he is my friend but he's seeing someone "else" (he skip over this so fast that I have to actually clarify with him what he said) and we can keep being friends but some things have to change. I explain to him that is behaviour as been weird this past few week and that is lack of texts and evasiveness is whats caused me to confront him in the first place, he says it's understandable and apologised said that he will text more and not leave me to do all the planning of our arrangements, he says we will go for a drink and go back to the way before we started sleeping with each other. Now I first I felt guilty for doubting him (every person that knows him as said he's a prick, my best friend thinks he's a prick as does my sister and I had a complete stranger come up to me on a night out and tell me my "boyfriend" is a complete arse hole) but I don't see this in him that way and we are very similar people who bounce off each other when we are together. But then I go out of the car and into my house and started to ask myself why he's waited 3 weeks to tell me (and he wouldn't have told me had I not asked to talk to him) that essentially he has a girlfriend (remember this guy doesn't do relationships and we aren't in a relationship) and how he had ample opportunity to text me back and tell me how is status as changed and that we cannot keep doing what we are doing together yet all he's been texting me back with is "not tonight but I'll let you know when you can come over" He texted me Monday and Tuesday about silly stuff (but it definitely doesn't have the relaxed vibe we had before) I messaged him back yesterday asking if he wanted to go grab that cup of coffee and actually have a proper catch up since we haven't spoke properly in 4 weeks (and obviously where used to seeing each other 1-2 a week and text each other constantly) Again he said he could because he was busy so I texted him back that I understand it's tricky because he's seeing someone but I miss is company (which is true) and that I'm scared of loosing him as a friend, he's not replied yet I can see he's seen my message. I'm angry, I feel used and I'm really starting to think he's a complete bull****ter when it comes to being friends!!! I've been completely cool about this "thing" that we have had, I'm not in love with him (but I do care about him) and I feel as if he's let me down. I want to speak him again because this time I want to ask him if he was ever gonna come clean about having met someone and how long it's been going on for because we agreed to be honest with each other. And before you all start wondering, no I'm not jealous of her (I think it's is ex which he's split up from 3 or 4 times now) and I actually do wish them all the best but I want to try and salvage our friendship because it means something to me. My other friend say I should not even bother, what do you all think I should do, do I even have a right to ask for an explanation as to why he never told me?
ExpatInItaly Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 No, you don't really have any business asking him for an explanation. You weren't his girlfriend, which you already know. I think he felt you would be hurt if he told you the truth so he did the not-so-brave slow fade hoping you'd get the hint. From the way you describe it, it sounds like you're denying that you had any real feelings for him as more than a friend, but that you actually do. Don't try to push the friendship. It reads like you wanted more. Don't ask him to meet and catch up. Cut ties. Staying friends will only bring you grief, I think. You want more (even friendship-wise) than wants to give. I don't think he used you as you knew he didn't want a relationship and yet you continued sleeping with him. You knew what he wanted out of this. I get that it's not fun and that you're hurt. But this is the precise reason why FWB doesn't work in many cases. You got too invested.
ASG Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 No, you don't really have any business asking him for an explanation. You weren't his girlfriend, which you already know. I think he felt you would be hurt if he told you the truth so he did the not-so-brave slow fade hoping you'd get the hint. From the way you describe it, it sounds like you're denying that you had any real feelings for him as more than a friend, but that you actually do. Don't try to push the friendship. It reads like you wanted more. Don't ask him to meet and catch up. Cut ties. Staying friends will only bring you grief, I think. You want more (even friendship-wise) than wants to give. I don't think he used you as you knew he didn't want a relationship and yet you continued sleeping with him. You knew what he wanted out of this. I get that it's not fun and that you're hurt. But this is the precise reason why FWB doesn't work in many cases. You got too invested. Well... yes and no. You ask friends for explanations when they deceive you, do you not? And a FRIEND, even if you're sleeping together, is still that! Particularly if you do indeed do friend things, like hang out outside of having sex. But I do agree that it can come off as needy/clingy. He didn't use you, though. He was dishonest, but he didn't use you. You were a willing participant of the arrangement. He should have told you about his change in status and not left you hanging/wondering. But he's told you now, so you need to back off.If you want to cut ties, go for it. But if not, don't really push it on the meeting side, if he's not up for it. I was in kind of the same situation as you, but I was told straight away as soon as the status quo changed. My FWB told me, after I proposed getting together one time, that he wasn't sure when he'd be free. I immediately felt that meant something more than just not having the free time and told him that, if that was the case, to let me know and I'd back off. He told me right away that him and his ex had started talking again. I backed off straight away. No more flirty texts! We still do text, about other things, but a lot less. And even though we have slept together since he told me that (things with the ex are not progressing as he would have hoped), I am still keeping my distance and have not taken that one night together to mean we're back on a regular thing. He's still trying to get back together with her. So i think you need to do the same. Back off. Don't push to meet. Keep your distance.
Author PetitePixie Posted May 22, 2015 Author Posted May 22, 2015 No, you don't really have any business asking him for an explanation. You weren't his girlfriend, which you already know. I think he felt you would be hurt if he told you the truth so he did the not-so-brave slow fade hoping you'd get the hint. From the way you describe it, it sounds like you're denying that you had any real feelings for him as more than a friend, but that you actually do. Don't try to push the friendship. It reads like you wanted more. Don't ask him to meet and catch up. Cut ties. Staying friends will only bring you grief, I think. You want more (even friendship-wise) than wants to give. I don't think he used you as you knew he didn't want a relationship and yet you continued sleeping with him. You knew what he wanted out of this. I get that it's not fun and that you're hurt. But this is the precise reason why FWB doesn't work in many cases. You got too invested. No you're right I'm not is girlfriend I am is friend first and foremost, the sex was always secondary and no I don't have "those" kinda feelings for him even though I do care about him, I would do anything I could to help a friend, does that mean I'm in love with all of my friends? The plan was never to sleep together it just sort of happened before either one of us had a conversation about who wanted a relationship out of it, luckily neither one of us did so it worked but out of respect we agreed to tell each other if either ones status changed. He didn't tell me and didn't have the guts to put me straight when I was messaging him asking to go over to his, preferring to tell me that "he'll let me know when he's free" yet he could have said right there and then. The motto here was to always be honest and upfront with each other, I guess I believed him when I really shouldn't have.
Strength in Healing Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 I don't do the whole BF/GF thing (He said he doesn't do relationships) *Rolls eyes repeatedly to the point I get dizzy and fall over* In regards to the overall topic, though: Reason #1883 why friends with benefits doesn't work. No really, I keep count. 1
Author PetitePixie Posted May 22, 2015 Author Posted May 22, 2015 Well... yes and no. You ask friends for explanations when they deceive you, do you not? And a FRIEND, even if you're sleeping together, is still that! Particularly if you do indeed do friend things, like hang out outside of having sex. I feel like I've lost status as is friend because I slept with him and had I know that it would never have happened! I had been pre-warned about him and is behaviour but choose to make my own judgment on the man, I guess I was wrong. And yes we where both very willing participants in what we where doing but I feel used because while I went into it knowing I was physically attracted to the guy I valued is friendship more, I thought he did to but clearly he doesn't I feel like his behaviour was a smokescreen to get him what he wanted.
bolase Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 I'm sorry you're hurting over this. If it helps I think I have been in the exact same situation as you, but we were only a friends for a year, and we only slept together for 2 months, before it became obvious he was still in love with his ex. People warned me etc. I thought that we were good enough friends that after stopping sex we would still hang out and have a good time occasionally, and he told me that he really wanted that when we ended things, BUT after that he pretty much stopped talking to me unless we saw each other, as if we had never been friends to start with, which really hurt of course. Now I realise that his behaviour at the start of our friendship was to over-share, so that I felt a connection with him quickly and started sharing more about my own life than I would usually with someone I hadnt known long. It sucks that some guys do this if they think you're the type that won't give it up too easily and they need to form a facade of friendship to obtain your trust. If i were you, I would really refrain from any contact at all, and go your own way. You will feel way better for it, than asking for any of his time and being rejected.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 No you're right I'm not is girlfriend I am is friend first and foremost, the sex was always secondary and no I don't have "those" kinda feelings for him even though I do care about him, I would do anything I could to help a friend, does that mean I'm in love with all of my friends? I don't know. How many other friends have you had sex with? The plan was never to sleep together it just sort of happened before either one of us had a conversation about who wanted a relationship out of it, luckily neither one of us did so it worked but out of respect we agreed to tell each other if either ones status changed. I'm sorry, I hate to tell you this, but sex doesn't just 'sorta happen'. You had sex with him, because he had sex with you. And that's because you both wanted to up this status to 'sexual'. Sex doesn't just 'sorta happen'. It happens when two consenting adults decide they want to ball each other. However you might protest about your insistence that there was no more in it than that, having sex with a friend changes the dynamics of your friendship. It has to. hence my first question to you. Your friends are friends. Of course you're loyal and true, but this one's different. It's in a changed category. He didn't tell me and didn't have the guts to put me straight when I was messaging him asking to go over to his, preferring to tell me that "he'll let me know when he's free" yet he could have said right there and then. he got the precise impression you're giving here. That either you were beginning to get a little too attached, maybe even a bit clingy, or you were displaying a subtle sense of entitlement. I know you may not like hearing that, and I'm sorry. But that's how you're coming across. Like - "I know we're not in a relationship, but I'm a friend you've had sex with. That puts me in a class of my own and I deserve some special attention from you." To be blunt (and I apologise to the menfolk here who wouldn't do this, but) he frankly got scared, and took the coward's way out and backed off... reverse gear in overdrive... The motto here was to always be honest and upfront with each other, I guess I believed him when I really shouldn't have. It happened here not so long ago, with another member: She had a best friend with whom she entered into a relationship. The change in him from 'buddy' to 'beau', surprised and shocked her. He was uncharacteristically rude, demanding and childish. She saw a side of him she had absolutely no idea had existed. I guess that's a lesson, eh....? 1
kendahke Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 You developed feelings for someone who was marking time with you. He wasn't developing feelings for you; he gave you more than enough clues that he wasn't investing. Demoting yourself down to platonic friendship after having had a sexual relationship in the hopes of machining romantic interest in the future is bad policy. The friend who said don't bother is the friend you need to listen to. If you were the girl he is with now, would you want your boyfriend to have a friendship with a girl who he's been smashing since the beginning of the year? It'd be different if 3-5 years had passed and you had moved on to your own relationship with another guy. And yes we where both very willing participants in what we where doing but I feel used because while I went into it knowing I was physically attracted to the guy I valued is friendship more, I thought he did to but clearly he doesn't I feel like his behaviour was a smokescreen to get him what he wanted. ...But nothing. Sex is not a contract for future delivery on a certain behavior. If you feel used, it's because you let yourself down by lowering your value in order to manipulate an emotional outcome that he'd been giving you plenty of notice that he wasn't interested in providing (standing you up, etc). You put yourself on offer and he helped himself. If you'd kept the sex to yourself, he couldn't have taken what wasn't on offer by you. 1
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