We are growing distant. Should I keep going or let it go?

[santeria133]

Hello all,

 

I have found myself in a strange place these last few weeks and never before have I ever been so unsure of myself and had my ego reduced to such a low level. Generally, I am a fun and easy going guy who has no problem holding conversations or meeting new people whilst generally maintaining a high level of confidence in myself and whatever I do. Of course there are bumps along the way, but recently I haven't been able to find the words when talking to people. I'm not as approachable, fun or easy going when it comes to meeting new people anymore and most worryingly I feel very lonely a lot of the time when left alone, where before I would be perfectly fine in my own company.

 

Sorry for the long introduction. I just felt like I had to explain how my state of mind has been affected by a relationship that has had a profound impact on my life before seeking any advice. Basically, I began to grow close with a girl on the same course as me at university. At one point, where I felt like there was interest from both ends, I confirmed my feelings to her. I usually would have tried to kiss her but she is Muslim and I know I needed to be more sure before trying anything like that. Anyway, she didn't say anything except that she was glad I told her. After this, we grew a lot closer and her attitude towards me totally changed. She really began to open up and light up whenever I was around.

 

Eventually, I reached a point where I was sure there was something from her end too, and I tried to kiss her. It backfired as she has had serious trust issues(ex boyfriend cheated 3 times) in the past and due to her religion, she said she wants to be sure that if she ever lets herself be intimate like that with a guy again, she has to know it's for marriage. She also told me that it's true that she has feelings for me but its just not the right time. I understood and respected this point and really took some time to myself to grasp the magnitude of the situation. I have only ever had feelings for a girl once before and that ended very sourly with me immaturely promising myself not to let someone in like that again. The point is, here I let someone in again without even realising it. Furthermore, the feelings I have for this girl are a lot purer and clearer than in the previous case, as theyre not clouded by any physical intimacy. I care about the girl deeply without ever touching her in that way and thats why I decided to keep going with it and see what happens as at the end of the day you can never be sure.

 

From this point until now(around a month), we have had many up's and down's. It's almost as if deep down she wants a reason to be pissed off with me and kept getting moody and irritated over very small things. For instance if i'm busy and don't talk to her for a few minutes in class as an example, she will get very cold very quickly and it will take a lot of probing from me until she tells me whats up. Another time we were walking in a group to go and get something to eat. She was at the back talking to another classmate so I was just chatting with a couple of friends toward the front. At one point I notice she is not there anymore and when I go back to find her, she is furious because she believes I 'ditched' her. Its almost as if she expected me to act as if we were in a relationship even though we were not.

 

Things smoothed out for a while, after many talks about these misunderstandings and how they made us both feel. One day, she decides to bring up the fact that one of my good friends is cute and that she likes the way he talks. She noticed my obvious irritation when she said this but didn't say much more. Then, the other day whilst skyping, she brings the same thing up again and again I tried not to act bothered but she could see through it. I don't know if it was really jealousy that was bothering me or just the fact that she was playing this type of game with me but I was visually irritated. I told her look if you think these things, it's not right to be telling me to which she quicky replied she was kidding and what not. She mentions it again however, some time after, and this time I became more irritated than previously as she carried on going with more questions about his relationship status etc.. She actually already knew about him being single which I found out after, which just confuses me even more.

 

In my mind, either she really did have interest or she was just trying to piss me off/ test me. In either scenario, I felt I had the right to be annoyed and went on to tell her that if she is not kidding I have no problem who she pursues or talks to. My problem was that she was telling me. At this point, she became furious, and started saying that she couldnt believe that I saw her as that type of girl to go and come to me if shes interested in my friend. She continued to say if she was interested she would find a a way to talk to him herself rather than asking the guy who likes her. She finished by saying she was honestly in disbelief that I didnt realise it was a joke, whilst acting very cold. Something worth mentioning here, is that her ex was very possessive and jealous and I have considered the possibility she was trying to test for that trait in me as well?

 

Something that she does not know is that my ex infact did cheat on me with two good friends and I even remember similair questions to the one this girl was asking me. Needless to say, that is a source of insecurity however I honestly do not feel as If i went overboard. I calmly told her that I just didnt appreciate the fact she was telling me all this if she was actually interested in him and she took it very badly.

 

Since then, she has cancelled on a couple of skype dates (we are overseas right now) and her general attitude has been very cold and unwelcoming. She generally keeps conversations flowing but either replies very briefly or with nothing to pick up the conversation from. I brought it up to her where she has made an effort to sound more interested but I can tell that something is still up and have let her be for a couple of days now.

 

I apologize for the very long post, however I felt it necessary to give people a general background on the problem. Just writing all of this has helped me, and I would greatly appreciate anyones opinion on the matter .

[withregerts]

If you're still in school I am going to make the assumption that both of you are still in your early 20s. In my opinion as a girl, she sounds like she is in fact playing games with you. Maybe it is true that she has/had feelings for you, and is simply trying to get you "excited" to see that you do care for her and is her way of reassuring your feelings for her.

 

I think you should try to step back and give each other space. Don't let her mind games get to you. You should refrain from showing the care that you had for her, and maybe even bring up the fact that maybe she should pursue your friend due to her interest in him. Maybe she will realize that her game has backfired and will either seize the childish games or maybe she is in fact infatuated with your friend and move on.

 

You are still young, and you're in college. Enjoy your time, don't waste your efforts on one girl that wants to mess with your head.