Can our relationship survive med AND law school?

[josie06]

My boyfriend and I are both finishing our undergrad program next spring. He is then planning to go to med school - another 4 years, plus 3 (or more) of residency. I want to get my masters, then work and go to law school at night, which would take about 4 years. Yup, that's a lot of school.

 

We've agreed that our education is the most important thing right now. We at least plan to live together, but would we really be so crazy to make it official and settle down during our post-grad years? I know the stress of these programs is pretty killer and that could negatively impact our relationship. I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation, and how they coped - or didn't. Thanks!

[KissMyTiara]

No way on earth. Sorry...I know from experience. Literally 9 out of 10 people that start law school in a committed, serious relationship (married, living together, etc.) break up by graduation, and those that make it tend to be older couples with kids already and the person in school is really just making a huge career leap - not starting out. I have several friends who have made it through med school, and they experienced the same thing.

 

Med and law school is a selfish me-me-me time. Studying, study groups, long nights with books and papers, freaking out over grades and rankings, etc....and with you BOTH doing it, you're BOTH going to be in very selfish times, and your relationship will disappear. A relationship just cannot survive under those pressures.

[followingthru]

i think you can make it work - but you have to be very realistic, and you have to really want it to work. you will have to be able to understand what the other is going through, and get a big place to live in, so that you can have separate places to study. and, if one is studying and the other is watching TV, you won't disturb one another.

 

you guys will have to be willing to ignore each other a lot, and be ignored a lot. i don't know what your relationship is like now - but if you plan on doing this, i hope that it is good, b/c if it is already shaky, then you probably shouldn't live together at all.

 

and DEFINITELY be meticulous about birth control!

 

i also think that 4 years of law school at night is very different from going full time in the day. at least i hope so. that might help.

[simplyconfused]

Im in law school now and me and my boyfriend are in more or less serious relationship. Well he's already getting pissed off with me, cause im hardly meeting up with him for the whole month(or2 ), cause i got exams to prepare for. I guess it will be very difficult if you decide to settle down. In those type of subjects you have to be very committed to what you are doing, but hope it will work out and good luck to you both!

[ConfusedInOC]

Part of the reason I think the Ex left me is she plans on going overseas to a University for 5 years. No way we can survive that unless I move with her (which I offered).

[Cecelius]

It can, but there's no magic bullet. The fact that you would be living together will help it. You've also picked a pretty hard road - law school alone is not that big a deal, but it looks like you're looking at joint degrees, maybe working too.

 

Med school will suck; my guess is you might have more free time than he.

 

On the other hand, you're coming from a stable place, you won't need to worry about being in it alone.

 

Why not continue to live together and see where you are after law school/med school?

[reservoirdog1]

I think it COULD work, the reason being that you'll both be going through very similar experiences and stress levels. Living together could help too. I think it's probably a lot harder when one person gets home from work hoping to do something fun and couple-y but the other person is mired in term papers and exams. At least if you've both got piles of studying to do, you're in the same place. Hell, you could even study in the same room together, and take the occasional "coffee breaks" together.

 

RED FLAG, HOWEVER: being continually stressed sometimes leads people to search for outlets or releases. It's one of the classic situations where people cheat. Try your damndest to see that your relationship doesn't just become two people living parallel yet separate lives. To whatever extent possible, try to meet each other's new group of school friends occasionally.

 

Talk about this thoroughly with each other, NOW -- that way you'll hopefully both know what to expect. Schedule times to blow off steam TOGETHER during the coming years. Take spring break vacations together. And no matter how stressed you both are, try to remember to do the little things, to show that you still care about each other. Those things needn't take a bunch of time or money -- a small gift, a hug, even ordering in pizza one night when it's not expected, and eating it by candlelight. Anything -- just keep the connection alive.

 

It won't be easy, but it can be done. And if you can get through that and stay together, you can get through anything.

[billybadass36]

When I was in law school the only marriage that succeeded was an older guy who quit being a cop to go to law school. All the other ones failed...mostly because everyone at law school was hooking up with each other. Very weird dynamic was formed in my class...very weird. Anyway, every situation is different, but your relationship is going to face a much more difficult road than the "typical" relationship. If you're both real go-getters and if school really is what's "most" important to you, I'd suggest focusing on that and putting your relationship on hold until your relationship is what's "most" important to you. Just my suggestion.

[Cecelius]

I thought about a comment in this regard, but decided that was too much of a rainy day.

 

But, yes, law school was such a small group and ended up seeming like high school from that perspective.

[sarah12]

I think it's a bit premature now to think about these things when you haven't gotten there yet. Who knows what may happen, you may decide that after getting your masters, you don't want to do law school anymore. That's what happened to me -- I had planned on doing the phd after my masters but no way in hell was I going to touch another textbook after I went through the hell with the masters.

 

A lot changes in a short period of time - you still have another year of undergrad to go before you get to that point. And anyways, if you do both end up going to school for the long haul, you'll never know what could have been if you didn't try it out. So just take it easy, day by day and don't think too far ahead. If you're really meant to be, being in school shouldn't come in the way.

[HoldOn]

Literally 9 out of 10 people that start law school in a committed, serious relationship (married, living together, etc.) break up by graduation

 

Literally? No really, do you have back up for this info?

 

When I was in law school the only marriage that succeeded was an older guy who quit being a cop to go to law school.

 

Man, what law schools are you guys going to?

 

Besides, you can't judge your relationship based on other people in law school. Everyone is different. I think it can totally work.. And while we are using circumstantial evidence, one married couple in my law school just had a baby. They seem fine. I know several married couples in law school, sure it's stressful, but they are nowhere near breaking up!

 

And like KissMyTiara said, you have a whole year until graduation. Why not take it one year at time here? Relax, you have your whole life to figure it out. And living together will make it much easier.

[gersanos]

It will be very tough to pull off, unless you are both very committed to one another. The first time I heard of such a thing was when I read Scott Turow's "One L" my senior year of college. In the epilogue he sends his heartfelt thanks to his wife that somehow managed to stick by him, even though she was pretty much left to her new friends in the Boston/Cambridge area while he studied endlessly.

 

Me and my ex met in college, and went on to the same law school together. We talked about it. We planned it out. Well, we fell apart our first semester. Might have been the stress. Might have been the high school environment. More than likely, it was a multitude of things. I have also seen it happen with other students as well that were in serious relationships. They have fallen apart. You would think that going through a very similar experience would benefit us. I am just glad we're not in the same section.

 

Within my section there have been countless "hook-ups" that go awry after a very, very short time together, and then the gossip is endless about it. This isn't everbody, but a good part of my experience. I am friends with a few practicing attorneys that are older and they have re-counted a similar expereince about law school. Some loved it, some hated it. But the competition, the stress, the rankings, the grades, etc. It's endless. These are aspiring lawyers, and doctors as well in your case. They will be abrasive. They will be cut-throat. Whatever people say about camaraderie is a sham. The student body, at least in law school, is filled with plenty that are two-face. Am I exempt from this? I would be a liar if I said otherwise. These competitive fields attract a certain type of person. I can say that me and my ex began to go head to head in a sense, because we were in competition against one another and in a sense, one uping each other. Is this the way we really are? Maybe to an extent. I truly believe that the environment we were in accentuated it to the nth degree. Taught me the lesson to not date someone is the same profession as me, because egos will clash. You are all in competition against one another. Plus, this is professional school. It's not like in college where there were the slackers, the kids that always cut, the ones that were unmotivated, or didn't have the aptitude. Getting the A's in college was a walk in the park for most of us in professional school. For the most part, these are bright individuals. Add in the mandatory curve, and you have a nice mess. Heck, what I read in Turow's book about peers hiding books in the library actually happened my first semester. Kid in my section hid the main digests that were needed to do the research memo.

 

Can it be done? Yes, it can. Likelihood? I'd say about the same percentage as anyone has about graduating in the top 10%. 90% says no. This has been my own personal experience, my peers, those that have gone through it before me and told me about it, as well as any of the logs you read online at law school discussion forums.

 

In my honest opinion, it boils down to how committed you are to one another. Is school an excuse to break up in this case? Part of me says yes, and part of me says no. It is a transitional period for some. New school, new friends, new lifestyle, etc. But at the same time, we are a tad bit older once you reach professional school and you would think more mature in some aspects. But anyone undertaking a career in law, medicine, investment banking, and other high-pressure, demanding, etc., professions has career on there mind and relationships and the other pleasures of life are secondary. Not the case with everyone, but with most I would say. Professional school is not done as something for kicks, while dishing out an enormous amount of money, and a tremendous amount of study time. Law school, and medical school, requires the utmost of commit to do well in.

 

My intentions are not to be negative, or cynical on this post. Just want to offer a realistic perspective. It can be done, but it will be very tough. And to be honest, no amount of preperation can prepare you for it, even though it is very, very mature and wise to talk about it and plan for it. Me and my ex did just that, but unfortunately it didn't work out as we planned. Hopefully you will be one of the outliers here. Best of luck to you, and kick butt on the LSAT. I don't think most prospective students realize how important that test really is.

[HoldOn]

You know, before I came to law school, the horror stories were endless. They told me, "the professorts will berate you!" "They'll hide the books." "It's very competitive."

Bah! I never had anything like that happen, and I go to a very good law school.

 

I supposed some people have time to hook up with other people, but that has nothing to do with me. I love my boyfriend, I am studying all the time, also, my bf is very understanding about the time I need to study.

 

If you're mature adults, you can do it.

[billybadass36]

My law school had two sections of day students and one section of night students. My perspective is from the day students...by and large those that went right from college to law school. I was in a section of really great guys and gals. About half the class was real go-getters, the cutthroat a-holes that only cared about grades, etc. The other half was me and my friends. We had a blast. One exam per semester per class. It'll take about a month to get your bearings and then it's pretty easy. Law school for myself and my friends was a three year vacation. We went to class not because attendance was mandatory (it wasn't), but because that's where all our friends were. We'd cut class regularly, swipe outlines from girls in class that doted over us, and we'd get solid A's and B's on exams. It really isn't as difficult as most portray it. If you are gliding by in undergrad without much studying and pulling mostly A's, then you'll do just fine in law school.

 

I took the LSAT blind b/c I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Did just dandy on it, and decided to go to law school. The first week I thought to myself that "wow, all these people are really smart...." Then about another week went by and I realized that all these people that I thought were really smart, weren't. They were just scared little people that were putting up a huge front to make themselves feel better and to make their colleagues feel inadequate. Most of these people had a chip on their shoulder and something to prove to somebody...who that would be I do not know.

 

In any event, what I remember about law school is NOT the classes, the briefs, the exams, or any of that. I remember hooking up with two snobby roommates on alternate nights and making copies of their Torts and Contracts outlines a week before the exams.

 

Law school is not that difficult. It is, however, an intimate environment where a lot of young people with similar interests are thrown in together and feelings may develop. That's all.

[Israfil]

You can totally do it.

 

Don't let these nay-sayers deter you. In a relationship, it doesn’t matter what school you go to, or what degree you are getting, or what program your partner is in. The only thing that matters is that you are committed to one another.

 

My ex (we broke it off for non-school related reasons) and I were together since our second year of undergraduate. We both pursued professional graduate degrees (he in medicine and I in a professional program requiring many more hours than medicine – trust me on this one – I lived through it) and lived together throughout our tenure in our respective graduate programs. In a way, I think the fact that we were both so busy and committed to our academic and professional careers made it a lot easier to handle each other. Imagine for instance, that your boyfriend were a 9 to 5 office clerk. It would probably lead to a great deal more stress because he would be considerably more demanding of your time than someone in a similar position as you.

 

But again, what matters is your commitment level to each other. If you devote enough energy to the relationship and use what little time you have together in a meaningful way, things can definitely work.

 

Good luck.