acapelo_dp Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 3 weeks since he has contacted me and exactly three months since the break up.
annie0677 Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 last it was on March 9th, I dropped a mail sounding a little desperate. That was after a gap of 3 month (on 6th Dec). But changed my linkedin settings and removed him from my group yesterday. He had liked one of my post 1 week back and my heart had jumped in hope. But then, its over. Deleted him from phone contacts and I guess he can't see me on whatsapp n other phone apps.
mightycpa Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) You take away all the dumpers power and knock their ego back down to size when you vanish from their lives. They made the decision to end the relationship, now you're making the decision to not engage with them again. A dumper may be over you and the relationship, but, it will still bother them that you're not contacting them looking for another chance. Let's face it. We ALL hate to be ignored. They will start to subconsciously think "well, I must of not meant that much to him" and it will hurt their confidence, again, even if they are glad you're not contacting them. I know it feels good to think that, but the truth is that sometimes, the dumper doesn't even think about you. You think you're getting all these brownie points for not being a pest, or that you're making them second-guess their decision, but the awful truth is that while you are resisting your urges every second of the day, you haven't even crossed their minds, because they are totally absorbed in their new situation and/or new people. This is the most common reality, and it's what you need to get used to. I have many NC anniversaries... the oldest is over 14,000 days ago, starting the day after she broke up with me. It really helped me to be at school among all those girls. Edited May 22, 2015 by mightycpa 3
hunk Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 ^ I agree with this, and I think it's what makes the whole concept of NC and exes returning so twisted. You go through this self imposed torture, resisting urges 24/7, feeling as low as you think you possibly could, as if being dumped wasn't enough - all the while your ex isn't thinking about you. You don't cross their mind. It's only when their new guy doesn't work out, or they have one lonely night that they think back to you, their back up plan. They reach out because they miss the attention, they want to know you're still there, all the while you've been going through hell. They don't regret the break up and want you back, they just want to know you're still there. Eventually you get over it, because you've been forced to live with the pain every single day. They only come back when you're over it, and you can see their return for what it is - they haven't thought about you the entire time you were in NC and suffering, they just want reassurance and attention. The person you knew and were in a relationship with is gone, they died the moment they ended the relationship. This is why NC must never, EVER be broken by the dumpee, under any circumstances. I am a total, 100% advocate of permanent cold hard no contact. 6
soulforge Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 You take away all the dumpers power and knock their ego back down to size when you vanish from their lives. They made the decision to end the relationship, now you're making the decision to not engage with them again. A dumper may be over you and the relationship, but, it will still bother them that you're not contacting them looking for another chance. Let's face it. We ALL hate to be ignored. They will start to subconsciously think "well, I must of not meant that much to him" and it will hurt their confidence, again, even if they are glad you're not contacting them. A funny story I like to share. My sister got dumped by her long term boyfriend. He said he was done and moving on. She worked with the guy. She stopped all contact with him, even though they were in the same office. When she didn't chase him or beg for another chance, she took it one step further.. She mind ducked him and had a friend send her red roses 1 month after he dumped her. He slowly freaked out. He realized that maybe she wasn't all that in to him and had moved on all ready and he might lose her for good. He then approached her to talk. She made him struggle and suffer for a bit but agreed to talk. He ended up proposing a month or two later. Sometimes a dumper needs a reality check. They think the grass is greener. When the dumper immediately vanishes and goes NC, it can really change their thinking quickly. This is why so many dumpers reappear after a few months of hearing NOTHING from the ex. They realized what they had was pretty good. They tire of dating. A short rebound relationship sucked. They miss the stability of someone that loved them and the warmth of the relationship. I know I also read that dumpees should NEVER take the dumper back. Reconciliations rarely last more than a couple of months. Often times when the dumped have months of NC, they get the clarity that the relationship really wasn't that great and they are happy it's over. Some even get the pleasure of saying "no thanks" when the dumper comes back for another chance. I know I enjoyed saying that when my dumper came back after 6 months of NOT hearing one word from me.. What if the dumper, dumped that person for good reasons? And tried to work things out, before actualy ending it.. Why do we always assume that the dumper is the bad person.. i rather had stayed with my ex, but had no choice
FancyFace Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 Since 25 November 2014. Almost 6 whole entire months. Yey me! Man on D-Day and for a long while after, I really thought I wasnt gonna make it, I actually went slightly dramatic and thought I would die of a broken heart lol but look at me, living and living so well. Time really is a healer, but its also what you do with that time. Maintaining strict, unadulterated no contact, therapy and all the other things that people advised here really sped the healing along. To all those still in the early stages, just know that life goes on and one day (sooner than you think), you will be just fine and right as rain. Sending my love to the broken hearted. 4
Tone Loc Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 I like this thread Currently in round 4 of NC. It's been 13 full days (coming up to 14) and as far as the ex situation goes, things couldn't be any better. The real kicker is that I should be at 34 days of NC, had it not been for a slip up which caused me to lose out on 17 days of NC!!! I'm still kicking myself over that, so I'm just at almost 2 weeks NC now which isn't that great but it's something. I just need to sort out other areas of my life but that's a separate matter entirely. A few days ago I burned the letters she sent me, it felt good. Sadly I know she's going to send more letters, but from now on I'm going to burn all her letters without even opening them. I'm 90 percent over her, still thinking about her but I'm glad to be rid of her! I wanted to break up with her nine months ago but I mistakenly let the relationship flourish and develop. Bullet dodged and lesson learned. Keep fighting a good fight, this NC thing isn't impossible. We'll get through it and come out the other side better, stronger. 1
dangerbang Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 So yeah she's in the past now. But it has also led to some good things. I'm learning to sail this weekend, two full days on the sea. I've upped my Spanish lessons to daily now. I'm meditating twice a day. And I've set a goal to save 10 grand by the end of the year and maybe buy my own place. I set out these few small goals and pinned them to my desk at work. Fluent in Spanish Get my yachting licence Meditate twice daily and become at peace with my thoughts Save 10 grand They may be small enough goals but having them there and committing to them has made me appreciate myself more and once I achieve these realistic goals, I can move on to more goals next year. Self improvement is the only way.
hunk Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 What if the dumper, dumped that person for good reasons? And tried to work things out, before actualy ending it.. Why do we always assume that the dumper is the bad person.. i rather had stayed with my ex, but had no choice It's still clear cut. You either are together, or you're not. You did have a choice - you chose to end it. This doesn't make you a bad person at all, it just means you were the one to terminate the relationship. No matter what the reason, when you are the one to end a relationship you are communicating to the other person that you no longer want them in your life. You are telling them you have no desire to be with them anymore, you aren't interested in a relationship, that you literally want nothing to do with them. It is complete rejection, so the person being rejected has to take necessary steps to deal with this horrific blow to their heart/self-worth etc. The dumper is never a "bad person" for dumping someone, ever. They did what was best for them. By going straight NC the dumpee does what's best for them in a situation where otherwise they are basically powerless and hurting immensely 3
Tone Loc Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 For me, NC is about damage limitation. Everyone hurts after a break up, but you can choose whether to prevent any further suffering (by going strict NC, it's the path of least resistance) or alternatively you can choose to remain in contact and increase the pain significantly. 1
soulforge Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 It's still clear cut. You either are together, or you're not. You did have a choice - you chose to end it. This doesn't make you a bad person at all, it just means you were the one to terminate the relationship. No matter what the reason, when you are the one to end a relationship you are communicating to the other person that you no longer want them in your life. You are telling them you have no desire to be with them anymore, you aren't interested in a relationship, that you literally want nothing to do with them. It is complete rejection, so the person being rejected has to take necessary steps to deal with this horrific blow to their heart/self-worth etc. The dumper is never a "bad person" for dumping someone, ever. They did what was best for them. By going straight NC the dumpee does what's best for them in a situation where otherwise they are basically powerless and hurting immensely No i didn't have a choice.. she had stopped communicating with me.. was not willing to resolve the problem.. i reached out 3 times and even suggested meeting to talk.. She made excuses.. and made no effort to sort the problem out.. How much more groveling was i supposed to do.. If you care about a person, you communicate, you resolve issues.. 1
DJOkawari Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 Well "dumpee" and "dumper" are just semantics. Looks like she left you in that situation. 61 days NC for me. I can't really define what's wrong with me but I'm still affected. Much, much better than before though. 1
Dondon Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 Around 5 months for me. Few days more or less because i stopped counting days a long time ago. Went NC 2 days after my BU and i never looked back. Her not contacting me was helpful too. It was a roller coaster, especially in the first 2-3 months. But now i'm getting better day by day. I still have some bad days but i learned to accept them. Instead of being sad and depressed at home, i drag my ass to the gym and than i go out with my friends. Yes some days it's really hard to do that, but i know i will feel much better after. Tips? Go NC on a day of your BU and don't break it. Yes it will be hard in the beginning but you will get through it. Remove his/her number (avoiding drunk texts/calls), delete them from social medias and remove everything that reminds you of them. Keep yourself busy, do things that makes you happy, try some new things and let time do it's job. 1
Meli22 Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 Around 5 months for me. Few days more or less because i stopped counting days a long time ago. Went NC 2 days after my BU and i never looked back. Her not contacting me was helpful too. It was a roller coaster, especially in the first 2-3 months. But now i'm getting better day by day. I still have some bad days but i learned to accept them. Instead of being sad and depressed at home, i drag my ass to the gym and than i go out with my friends. Yes some days it's really hard to do that, but i know i will feel much better after. Tips? Go NC on a day of your BU and don't break it. Yes it will be hard in the beginning but you will get through it. Remove his/her number (avoiding drunk texts/calls), delete them from social medias and remove everything that reminds you of them. Keep yourself busy, do things that makes you happy, try some new things and let time do it's job. Why did you break up Dondon?
Omalley92 Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 I've been in NC ever since New Year's Day 2015, which sums up to some 4.5 months now. I did reach out to her three weeks into NC with a last letter of apologetic and thankful nature, even though she hurt me pretty bad with the way she ended things. Never received a reply. I live fairly close to her, and every time we saw each other she tried to go out of my way, not even look in my eyes... The relationship was my first and far from ideal, but I still enjoyed her presence very much, even though she's a complicated, self-absorbed, pretty non reflective person. A lot happened that should make me want to completely forget her, but truth is, I still can't fully. She did reach out on my Birthday two weeks ago. It was a cold, impersonal card but it was enough to get my healing mind thinking about her again... I did meet a couple of women after her, had sex... But it just didn't come close. I was and am still kind of looking for her good characteristics in any girl I meet. I will stick to NC because there is no other option. I'm pretty sure she has long forgotten about me and moved on quickly, might even be attached to someone else already. I still couldn't imagine the pain finding out about it. Ignorance is bliss here. I don't know what to think or feel. I can't even describe what it is. I just know NC has helped me learn to live without her. But it hasn't changed my feelings too much. I can only hope that'll happen in time as well.
hunk Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 No i didn't have a choice.. she had stopped communicating with me.. was not willing to resolve the problem.. i reached out 3 times and even suggested meeting to talk.. She made excuses.. and made no effort to sort the problem out.. How much more groveling was i supposed to do.. If you care about a person, you communicate, you resolve issues.. She ended the relationship, you formally "broke up" with her but you're still the dumpee in this situation. She was just too weak to do the dumping but was relieved you did it - her behavior clearly shows she wanted the relationship over. You are the dumpee here and should be going into damage control like the rest of us, your situation is not unique or different, neither is mine, nor anyone elses. 1
Author Moley87 Posted May 22, 2015 Author Posted May 22, 2015 Some amazing responses here and shows the courage of so many people. Whilst I agree a dumper isn't a bad person I do agree the hurt party (the dumpee) will generally feel worse off so understandably will use NC I don't think a Dumper can blame the dumpee for this and should be expected. Interesting to see such a vast period of NC from the posters, so goes to show it can be done I'm now on double figures 10 days - longest I have never spoke to the ex and feels strange not sure what to make of it . Love to see more responses . 1
imtrying211 Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 3 weeks of NC, 6 weeks since BU. Still having ups and downs, but the downs are lessening. Struggled with NC in the beginning because I wanted answers. The BU was a complete blindside, we didn't have a rocky relationship, and everything was great up until the day he left. But the more I pushed him for answers, the more irritated and mean he got. The last thing I said to him was F U, which kind of bothers me because I still care about him, and wish it didn't have to end like that. I think about forgiving him and talking to him again someday, but for what? It wouldn't be the same, we'd just be acquaintances that say hi when we pass each other in the hall (we work in the same building....). I feel like I want all or nothing, and being that he went back to his ex, it has to be nothing. As much as it hurts to think we are nothing more than strangers now, I have to accept that. I have to accept he is just someone I once knew, a memory. There's nothing I can say to him that will change that, change what he did, or how I feel. 1
Latino4Lyfe Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 I've been NC for 3 days now lol. She hit me up from a random number a few days ago that she was having a bad emergency only for the "emergency" to be that she was broke because she blew her money away and forgot to pay her electric bill smh.
Dondon Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Why did you break up Dondon? Well if you want all the details you should read my other threads. Long story short, we broke up because of her abuse when she was young (10) and her depression (probably the result of that abuse). That's what she told me anyway, i found out few weeks after BU that she met another guy. Few months in a relationship she told me about past abuse (i was the first she told), we talked about it and had a wonderful 1 and a half years after that. From what she said, i understood that she dealt with it. I guess i was wrong. 2 weeks before BU she was depressed and after a long emotional talk she confessed that she didn't tell me everything regarding her abuse. She told me that she's very afraid of that guy who touched her (it happened once) and for some reason she's very afraid of her father. Her parents are divorced and she see him few times a year. And than she told me that she started having same feelings towards me too. I was really shocked when i heard that, because i always treated her with the utmost respect, cared about her more than anything and loved her unconditionally. In 2 years i didn't hurt her once, we didn't fight at all. Just a few minor arguments. We saw each other almost every day, texted/called on days we didn't see each other and spent entire weekends together. We were practically living together at our families houses. Believe me after those 2 years i really believed that this was the girl i would spend the rest of my life together. We were just perfect together. Our families loved us and everyone said that it's a destiny that we ended up together. I just couldn't understand but i told her all that again. Well she told me she loved me too, that i'm the best and perfect guy for her and that we will do everything to work it out. She broke up with me few days later. Later i found out that she met a guy between our "talk" and BU (on stupid FB..). I guess she liked him enough to think it would be easier to just jump into a new relationship, than work on keeping ours. After all that happened, i guess it's normal that i will need quite some time too get over this. She was exactly what i wanted in a girlfriend. Oh well.. Like i said time and NC are really helpful in this situations. I would really advise everyone to go NC as soon as possible. Not to get them back, but to get yourself back. 1
sxbmb3388 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 7 months! I've started dating again also, and I actually really fancy this guy i've started dating, so it could be fun! i literally tried to go NC when my ex and i broke up, but i had to tell him 3 months down the line to stop contacting me as I needed space. And from there I haven't looked back. If you really want to move on, best thing you can do for yourself is to go NC. I'm literally past the point of worrying about my ex anymore- lots and lots of fond memories (we were together 5+ years), but I've realised a lot about myself at this moment in time! always let yourself feel what you are feeling, its healing, but also allow time for your growth. peace out homies! 1
BC1980 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 17 months. I don't even think of it as NC anymore. It's just life. I can barely remember the guy. 4
soulforge Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 She ended the relationship, you formally "broke up" with her but you're still the dumpee in this situation. She was just too weak to do the dumping but was relieved you did it - her behavior clearly shows she wanted the relationship over. You are the dumpee here and should be going into damage control like the rest of us, your situation is not unique or different, neither is mine, nor anyone elses. I see your point.. i,m not quite sure tho.. after i ended it, she texted me back and said.. "Its your decision fair enough & you blocked me from whatsapp" Either way, what it boils down to is the fact, she made no real effort to try and resolve the problem we had... Wether that was because she wanted out, or she needed time, or she was bieng stubborn and was expecting me to give chase.. we was both in no contact mode... and i had to officially end it.. I just did not see a future with someone who will not overcome little petty problems and drops all communication.. I was seeing her 4months... How long could it take, to get over a 4month relationship? It was pretty intense
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