Looking to understand what happened, whether he was abusive, and how to cope?

[lara1235]

We are seniors in college and graduate in 4 weeks. We dated 6 months. We started out really happy though he was worried because it's senior year, he had 2 relationships in college that didn't work out. He was worried because he has anxiety and depression and has this thing where he wants to make people happy to his own detriment, or that's what he claimed.

 

We were happy through our spring break trip together, though he is pretty critical - he's a neat freak and would call me dirty or disgusting sometimes even though I'm pretty organized. He also locked me out of his room one time because he didn't like something I said. However, he was also really caring, wouldn't have sex with me once when he thought I was too drunk, told me how much he cared about me and wanted me to be happy and be able to tell him everything I was upset about, planned stuff to do together, etc.

 

At the beginning of APril, he told me he doesn't see this being long term and that when he goes out he looks at other girls and feels like he's single but still dating someone but doesn't want an open relationship because those hurt people. I agreed in the sense that I'm religious and he's not and he was annoying me during our trip because I noticed at this point that he spends all his free time watching tv (including while at school) and we weren't having the deep conversations I wanted to have.

 

HE later apologized for hurting my feelings and that it made things weird between us and spent two weeks telling me how much I meant to him and how much he cared about me, wanted to spend time with me, was happy being with me, etc.

 

But then he got sick with a cold/fever for like 2 weeks and kept complaining about being sick, wanting me to take care of him, asking me to bring stuff over, being depressed, refused o go to the doctor, skipped classes, etc. I was studying for the MCAT and felt really burdened and like I didn't really even have a boyfriend anymore. He kept apologizing for his issues, for being sick, thanking me for taking care of him. I remember him saying "I like you more because you take care of me," which was obviously a bad reason and I fel like he wanted a mother.

 

HE got better, but he snapped at me for not understanding something he said right away on the Monday when he started feeling better since he had misexplained something and said "God, it's so hard tp explain things to you!" He later apologized for projecting his feelings onto me. We were hapy for another couple of days. Then we went to his friend's birthday party. He drank too much and spent a lot of time with me but also kept touching another girl's back. He said she was cute when we left, and when we were going home (he was kind of drunk and zig zagging), he blamed me for not looking out for him, for letting him drink too much, said I was bad at taking care of people, told me to shut up.

 

He didn't really apologize other than thanking me for not slapping him for being rude, and when I tried to talk to him about it the next day he apologized but then blamed me for it, saying he was upset because I had supposedly "encouraged him to drink" to compensate for my not drinking. That wasn't true at all, ane he was blaming me for his actions. He also interrogated me about how i got back from my friend's house that night, where I stopped on the way, why, etc.

 

I was gone the whole weekend (this happened a Friday night) so we didn't get to spend any time together. I had a bad week the following week because I had my period, midterms, lots of work, was worried about recommendation letters, etc. So I was coming over to his place pretty late (11:30) to sleep. I kind of joked around and laughed with him before bed just to get some relief from the stress.

 

I didn't let him know i was stressed because he had said before things like "We can't both be sad," or told me it upset him that I was worried about getting into med school when I do so much volunteering and he doesn't do as much. He has a low GPA and he's worried about finding jobs, still doesn't have one. He also started making fun for me for not knowing a medical abbreviation and stuff like that during this week. But he was also rolling oer in the night and really tenderly touching me and I was confused.

 

On Thursday he wanted to get dinner but I couldn't make it since he asked at like 5. Thursday night we were laying in bed and he asked to get dinner Friday. When we got dinner Friday, he told me he didn't think he could be in this relationship anymore, we weren't growing together, the religion thing (I'm religious and he doesn't really think deeply about it), this relationship was stressing him out a lot (he had been saying he wasn't doing well that week, bit his nails way down... actually he usually said he wasn't doing well througout our relationship because he has a bunch of issues IMO) and that was it. He told me to let him know if I wanted to talk.

 

I haven't reached out to talk, I've noticed from his online activity he's online kind of randomly throughout the night. What I"m curious about too is he used to rarely post snap stories but he's posted two since we've broken up that I haven't clicked on/ "viewed" but I could tell was him taking a walk around campus and another was a video game. Is he maybe reaching out for my attention? (or attention in general, he doesn't have many friends here). He also has issues trusting people but told me he trusts me.

 

I'm still struggling to make sense of this. On one hand, I agree with him that we're not long term compatible. On the other, I'm realizing how poorly he was treating me and how he seemed like he wanted other girls, and I don't know what to make of that or whether to label him as abusive or whether he was just frustrated with me and taking his frustrations out because he didn't want to be with me. I always thought he end of our relationship would be a discussion and instead he just did this. I'm not sure if it has to do with his control issues or him being kinda depressed and erratic or what. It's also sad that HE broke up with ME after he was being kind of mean and I didn't stand up for myself and I took care of him for a while when he was sick and clingy and whiny.

 

I keep feeling like I could have been more honest about my feelings or done something differently. I also keep wondering what he's doing, whether he feels freed, wants to enjoy the single life, stuff like that. I know we weren't compatible but we didn't even talk about it and he made a snap decision when we were both stressed (which I guess was easier to cut it off then and he felt in control). Can someone please just help me understand and process this better?

[minime13]

You shouldn't even be worrying about this if you both agree you're not compatible, long term.

 

He treats you like crap and expects you to be his mother. Not to mention openly hitting on other women in front of you. He's trying to physically transition your relationship into FWB right in front of you.

 

I'd never look back. That's not worth it in any relationship, much less one that you know is done.

[lara1235]

You shouldn't even be worrying about this if you both agree you're not compatible, long term.

 

He treats you like crap and expects you to be his mother. Not to mention openly hitting on other women in front of you. He's trying to physically transition your relationship into FWB right in front of you.

 

I'd never look back. That's not worth it in any relationship, much less one that you know is done.

 

I agree but I guess I'm confused about the fwb thing because we weren't really having sex because he was sick and then the week when we broke up we weren't having sex because I think he was so stressed. And I know I shouldn't be thinking about it but I'm like just starting to come to terms wih how I was putting up with him treating me because I really didn't think it was this bad when it was happening.

 

Forgot to say earlier that when we broke up I said he meant a lot to me and I would miss him and he reciprocated and I was sobbing and he had tears in his eyes when I left. He was kind about breaking up with me which makes it extra confusing. I wish he'd realize how he treated me.

Edited May 21, 2015 by lara1235

[aloneinaz]

Do me a favor. Re-read your post. What advice would you give to another girl who posted that? You'd say "OMG, be glad it's over"..

 

You guys are both very young and are transitioning from being kids in school to full time adulthood with jobs. You both have a lot of pressure and stress going thru this transition.

 

There's a lot of take home value and lessons you need to learn from that "college" relationship. Yes, it's painful when any relationship works but you appear to be intelligent and recognize that he wasn't a long term fit for you.

 

You need to enjoy your single time while you have it. We all have to date many different people to know what's truly a good fit for us. My Mom used to say "you need to sow your oats before settling down"..

 

My advice is to tell yourself he's young, immature and that's why you're getting his behavior. I'd also try and NOT have further conversations or contact as it will only drag out the drama and prevent you from moving on in your life..

[minime13]

I agree but I guess I'm confused about the fwb thing because we weren't really having sex because he was sick and then the week when we broke up we weren't having sex because I think he was so stressed. .

 

Or he was getting it elsewhere. When you guys were out at a party and he kept touching and flirting with another girl, then told you she was cute, he was testing that boundary. I have no doubt that he was trying to transition into no strings.

 

When you didn't fall for it, he ended it.

 

Been in a similar situation. Don't be surprised when he's out next week with someone else. Sorry you had to go through this, but you are much better off now.

[Satu]

Take a look at this list, and you will be able to decide for yourself if he was abusive or not.

 

 

Psychological abuse can look like:

 

1. Humiliating or embarrassing you.

2. Constant put-downs.

3. Hypercriticism.

4. Refusing to communicate.

5. Ignoring or excluding you.

6. Extramarital affairs.

7. Provocative behavior with opposite sex.

8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.

9. Unreasonable jealousy.

10. Extreme moodiness.

11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.

12. Saying “I love you but…”

13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”

14. Domination and control.

15. Withdrawal of affection.

16. Guilt trips.

17. Making everything your fault.

18. Isolating you from friends and family.

19. Using money to control.

20. Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.

21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

 

Source here.

[lara1235]

Take a look at this list, and you will be able to decide for yourself if he was abusive or not.

 

 

Psychological abuse can look like:

 

1. Humiliating or embarrassing you.

2. Constant put-downs.

3. Hypercriticism.

4. Refusing to communicate.

5. Ignoring or excluding you.

6. Extramarital affairs.

7. Provocative behavior with opposite sex.

8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.

9. Unreasonable jealousy.

10. Extreme moodiness.

11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.

12. Saying “I love you but…”

13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”

14. Domination and control.

15. Withdrawal of affection.

16. Guilt trips.

17. Making everything your fault.

18. Isolating you from friends and family.

19. Using money to control.

20. Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.

21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

 

Source here.

Thank you. I did find that and read through it yesterday which is part of what prompted my posting this but I'm like hesitant to label it as that bdcause he was so nice sometimes and I feel like this resulted because he was frustrated with being with me and stressed or something so it wasn't his fault. Sometimes I get super angry about it but if it was abuse then it was sandwiched in between him being super nice and caring so I'm confused I guess.

 

And also it seems like he only mildly did just a few of the things so it was just standard ****ty behavior but not abuse. I'm also hung up wondering whether he'll ever realize he did this or if he did.

[minime13]

Thank you. I did find that and read through it yesterday which is part of what prompted my posting this but I'm like hesitant to label it as that bdcause he was so nice sometimes and I feel like this resulted because he was frustrated with being with me and stressed or something so it wasn't his fault. Sometimes I get super angry about it but if it was abuse then it was sandwiched in between him being super nice and caring so I'm confused I guess.

 

And also it seems like he only mildly did just a few of the things so it was just standard ****ty behavior but not abuse. I'm also hung up wondering whether he'll ever realize he did this or if he did.

 

If he just slapped or shoved you sometimes instead of using a closed fist, would you feel like it wasn't as bad? People can be abusive and turn around and be nice. It's part of their own guilt playing on them.

 

He sounded abusive from what you described.

[Meli22]

Abuse doesn't necessarily have to be beating the living daylight out of you, and talking to you like a piece of s***. It can come in drips and drabs, in a not so obvious way. That's what causes confusion. They are nice sometimes, but then change. If he has dragged you down, blamed you for things that weren't your fault, guilt tripped you, made you doubt yourself, then to me that is abuse on an emotional level.

[TunaCat]

It's the cycle of abuse. After a period of abuse, then comes the honeymoon phase and then the buildup and then he goes back to abusing you. That's why he's sometimes nice. That's called the honeymoon phase.

[lara1235]

Thanks everyone. I went to sleep feeling better last night and realzing he was abusive and wanted me to make his life perfect but I couldn't. But then this morning I found him on Tinder and I saw on facebook that he became friends with a pretty girl last night and I'm all sad again and think he's having a great time being single and I'm so sad that he built all these memories with me for nothing and then dumped me. How can I move foward past this sadness?

[lara1235]

Hi guys,

 

I'm really sorry to post again but he just messaged me saying 'hi.' I've been feeling good today about moving on and realizing I deserve better. Should I respond, or should I ignore it? I don't know what kind of conversation he wants to start or if he regrets it or what.

[lara1235]

I'm sorry to be posting again, but I think we just had our last conversation. He kept messaging me and asked "Why can't you talk to me?" so I answered. This was our conversation.

 

Me: I just don't think that talking is healthy or helpful at this point.

 

Him: That's ok. It just feels like you want me completely out of your life which is sad. And I'd rather you tell me that because i still care about you as a person even if we had to break up.

 

Me: To me, being partially involved in each other's lives right now doesn't seem very conducive to moving on

 

Him: I'm sorry. It's very hard for me too. You just mean a lot to me so it's very hard to make a decision based on logic when i have emotions that feel slightly different. I just don't want to see another person I care about just write me off because we can't be together the way either one of us wished we could

 

Me: Maybe I can talk about it eventually but I don't think keeping an emotional connection is helpful to moving on and I'm not willing to just be placed into whichever role in your life you want me in

 

Him: That's not what I'm trying to do and I'm sorry you feel that way. I wanted to write more but words are failing me right now I respect what you are saying though. I also feel the need to apologize

 

Me: For what?

 

Him: For a lot of things. But firstly for putting a timestamp on a relationship. You never treated it that way and it was unfair to you And for all the other ways i hurt you

 

Me: I mean I also recognized this as temporary but the way you were treating me was just a poor way to treat someone in general regardless of circumstances.

 

Him: I'm sorry, for that. I wasn't the best person I could be and I definitely did not appreciate you as much as I should have. I don't want to make excuses for my actions because I know it was all my own even if it was done to avoid having my heart broken

 

Me: I’m not sure I know what you mean by that. I can understand the logic behind wanting to distance yourself from someone in certain ways to avoid getting hurt, but I don’t see how that applies to many of your actions and words.

 

Him: I should have been kinder. I self sabotage to keep others from getting close instead of distancing which hurts people. Not to mention my difficulty dealing with outside stress that i tend to channel outwards to people who care about me. For that and more i am truly sorry for all i put you through

 

Me: Okay. I don’t think it would be beneficial for me to spend more time asking you to explain things. Self-sabotaging doesn’t seem to explain all your actions. It isn’t a valid excuse, especially since I also experience a lot of stress and wouldn’t use another person, especially one who tried to treat me compassionately, as an outlet. But I don’t like holding onto resentment and I do forgive you and hope you can work on whatever you’re struggling with. It seems like you still want an emotional connection without having the parameters of a relationship which isn’t something I’m interested in right now, and I would appreciate the space to move on at this time.

 

Him: No i agree. No excuse is adequete as i stated before. I want you to be happy so I will give you your space now.

 

Would you guys just be able to tell me what you think of this conversation? I know it seems ridiculous to ask that. I'm just having a rough night since I don't think talking to him was helpful, and this made me miss him a lot. I'm torn between missing him but also thinking that the things he said were self-serving and emotionally manipulative, and I"m looking for an objective viewpoint to confirm that. I also feel kind of bad because I'm not sure if I was too harsh or I'll miss having him in my life, but it seems like he wants to keep me as an emotional support but not have to deal with a relationship.

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

Walk away and do you. Keep to the no contact rule and know he was ungrateful with you being caring. It's not worth thinking of him or worrying about him. It's your time to move forward and learn that these things were abusive. You don't need that in your life. You deserve the best!