GemmaUK Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 So how long then before I ask her out? She brings her own lunch in every day. This was the first time you met yes? You will see her again and again from the sound of things, just continue being friendly, don't be impatient. Give it a few weeks to get to know her before any asking out. Don't overly focus on her but if she is nearby then do say hello and give an honest eye wrinkly smile. Don't ask too many questions about her just let conversation happen. If she has any interest then you will see it, if she doesn't you will see that too. Just be aware of her body language and it'll be obvious whether she has interest or is happy to chat to you again. 90% of communication is non verbal after all.
Author johndoe2 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 They say this, but it is not true for all women. It's not even close to true for me. Don't rely on it as a rule. It only serves to discourage asking her out later, after chemistry may have been established. I hope to God it's not true. Otherwise my only shot is to find the rare woman who's into some weird pygmy fetish (because of my shortness, that is). I don't think that dating site exists yet, 'CougarLife' but for tall women looking to date halflings. Instead of 'cougars' and 'cubs' though, men would register as 'hobbits' and the women as 'ents.' There's an entrepreneurial idea.
jen1447 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I think it has more to do with initial physical attraction. Like if you see a guy out and about you think is hot and you say to yourself "I'd totally f**k that guy". Of course, his personality would have to push your buttons. But the potential would be there initially simply because you were physically attracted. That is how I take the "ten second rule" anyways. Got that xxoo? That's what you actually think. 1
Author johndoe2 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 This was the first time you met yes? Yes. But as I said in my last post (you were probably typing yours while I submitted it actually), it's a pretty big university. The only sure way to know that I'll see a woman who I approach again is if I approach her at her work (e.g. if she's a cashier or something). I don't like doing that, as how can you know anything when you're talking to someone who is literally paid to be nice to you? 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 (edited) Got that xxoo? That's what you actually think. Notice how I said "That's how I take the ten second rule anyways" at the end of my post? Yes. But as I said in my last post (you were probably typing yours while I submitted it actually), it's a pretty big university. The only sure way to know that I'll see a woman who I approach again is if I approach her at her work (e.g. if she's a cashier or something). I don't like doing that, as how can you know anything when you're talking to someone who is literally paid to be nice to you? EXACTLY. It's a huge school and chances are you probably won't see her again. I mean it's not like she's in one of your classes, your social circle, or you know what her schedule is. That's why I find it funny that some of the women are acting like it's a movie or TV show where you'll magically keep bumping into her over and over while you work up the nerve to ask her out. LOL You handled it correctly man. My only advice in the future is to be more assertive and not come off like you're asking permission for a date. Make statements. Edited May 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 OP / johndoe2-- I think you said you have seen her around before & you expect to see her again. All I can share with you is my experience. As a young college co-ed if I guy came up to me in the library, even if I thought he was cute, I would never leave with him. My yet to develop (non-existent) self esteem would have made me terrified that this was a joke he was playing on me. If I said yes, we'd step outside & his buddies would be there laughing at me saying cruel things like OMG you couldn't possibly believe someone as cool as him was interested in a dork like you. As I grew up & became more confident I learned those fears were unreasonable. There also is an element of fear. My freshman year of college I used to eat lunch by myself & read The New York Times. In the rural area where I went to school the paper made me a little less homesick. I liked to eat late after most other students were gone because it was quiet & I could have some alone time. Going from being a latch key only child to living in a sorority house was overwhelming because it was hard to get away from the other people. Anyway, one day this gorgeous guy comes in & asks to sit at my table for 10 because he hated to eat alone. I rolled my eyes at him because there had to be at least 99 open tables but I shrugged. He sat & tried to make conversation. I grunted but kept returning to my paper & tried not to have an anxiety attack because he was talking to me. I was shy & having strange boys talk to me was a new & frightening experience. God bless him; he kept up. I'd see him that day of the week for a whole semester & he grew on me. By the following semester where our schedules changed I was actually brave enough to say hello to him on campus. What I can do as a confident adult was not possible as a shy college coed. You are ahead of the curve if you can talk to strangers. Keep interacting with her. You will eventually break her ice. The excuse of she brings her lunch was not a flat out No. She probably went home & kicked herself for thinking she sounded dorky.
jen1447 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Notice how I said "That's how I take the ten second rule anyways" at the end of my post? While completely disregarding what she actually said ....you know, the actual opinion of a woman, about being a woman. It's no big deal FF but you always do that. 1
xxoo Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Notice how I said "That's how I take the ten second rule anyways" at the end of my post? Your take doesn't apply to me. Not even close. My strongest, most primal attraction is not visual, and my strongest feelings of lust appear after chemistry is established. By all means, strike while the iron is hot! (ask out on the first meet if you don't anticipate a second meet) But don't let this rule dissuade you if she isn't immediately interested.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 (edited) OP / johndoe2-- I think you said you have seen her around before & you expect to see her again. All I can share with you is my experience. As a young college co-ed if I guy came up to me in the library, even if I thought he was cute, I would never leave with him. That's the thing though. He said it was a chance encounter with a girl that happened to catch his eye. He has no idea if she goes there regularly or what her day to day routine is. Also when he asked her out, he didn't say 'Come grab lunch with me". He said "Would you like to grab lunch sometime?" So he was trying to set up a date in the future tense. Your take doesn't apply to me. Not even close. My strongest, most primal attraction is not visual, and my strongest feelings of lust appear after chemistry is established. By all means, strike while the iron is hot! (ask out on the first meet if you don't anticipate a second meet) But don't let this rule dissuade you if she isn't immediately interested. That's the thing though. We're not talking about the most primal, ultimate attraction that develops. We're talking about instant, immediate, initial potential to want to know more simply based on how someone looks. Are personality and chemistry ultimately what's important? Of course. I am not disputing that. But you're going to want to develop those things with a guy you're also physically attracted to right? That's all I'm saying. I mean it's not like you can see a complete stranger and magically get a read on his personality, sense of humor, etc.. It's human nature to start the process based on the visual, and stick around if personality/chemistry match up. Unless you're going to try and tell me that you have absolutely no physical standards whatsoever. Edited May 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Author johndoe2 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 Well, can you really trust oneself to know how much first impressions really affect you? Your take doesn't apply to me. Not even close. My strongest, most primal attraction is not visual, and my strongest feelings of lust appear after chemistry is established. I guess my question would be, have you ever found a man unattractive at first, and then later become attracted to him? How often do your attitudes toward someone differ from your first impression of them? If a person's feelings toward someone always seem to recapitulate what their first impression was of that person, then that would suggest that first impressions are almost all-determining. Obviously there's probably a spectrum, though I'd be curious to know where most women are on it. Unfortunately one can't really find out by asking someone since it's really a subconscious sort of thing.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 That's the thing though. We're not talking about the most primal, ultimate attraction that develops. We're talking about instant, immediate, initial potential to want to know more simply based on how someone looks. Are personality and chemistry ultimately what's important? Of course. I am not disputing that. But you're going to want to develop those things with a guy you're also physically attracted to right? That's all I'm saying. I mean it's not like you can see a complete stranger and magically get a read on his personality, sense of humor, etc.. It's human nature to start the process based on the visual, and stick around if personality/chemistry match up. Unless you're going to try and tell me that you have absolutely no physical standards whatsoever. I am MUCH more affected by personality (a certain, distinct personality) than looks. The physical really doesn't matter if those trigger personality traits are there. And if those traits are absent, a physically gorgeous body leaves me cold. A gorgeous body/face in addition to the traits is jackpot, though! I guess my question would be, have you ever found a man unattractive at first, and then later become attracted to him? How often do your attitudes toward someone differ from your first impression of them? Yes, I have. Usually my first impression of a man is completely neutral regarding attraction. Sometimes it's a little positive or negative. Very rarely, extremely positive or negative. But all of those initial impressions are subject to change after we interact. There have been times when I couldn't believe I was fantasizing about this guy, who I previously found unattractive. And just as often, I am soon thinking, "what did I find attractive about this guy?" after just a conversation or two.
jen1447 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I guess my question would be, have you ever found a man unattractive at first, and then later become attracted to him? How often do your attitudes toward someone differ from your first impression of them? I find that my impressions of people build fairly slowly, fwiw. I think it makes sense that they would - what do you really know about anybody without knowing them? I do have impulse attraction impressions, but those are moreso for women. Guys have to marinate a bit before I decide.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I am MUCH more affected by personality (a certain, distinct personality) than looks. The physical really doesn't matter if those trigger personality traits are there. And if those traits are absent, a physically gorgeous body leaves me cold. A gorgeous body/face in addition to the traits is jackpot, though!. Well I am definitely the same way. If a woman isn't engaging, funny, a good communicator, etc I get bored no matter how good she looks. However, at the same time, I am not going to start the process off with someone I am not physically attracted to. That's why I think that "ten second rule" came to pass. When you initially see someone, you have no idea what they're like. Only if you'd be physically attracted enough to potentially sleep with them..IF..their personality pushes your buttons. Like I said though, I definitely agree that personality/chemistry is the ultimate driving force.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 That's why I think that "ten second rule" came to pass. When you initially see someone, you have no idea what they're like. Only if you'd be physically attracted enough to potentially sleep with them..IF..their personality pushes your buttons. Ok, but I'm saying I don't know that at all in 10 seconds. If my husband had been counting on the 10 second thing, we wouldn't be together.
Versacehottie Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 You did nothing wrong and she didn't either. Better luck next time. This is EXACTLY right. Don't overthink it. There are a ton of reasons (a lot which are not even bad nor relate to you) of why she didn't accept. You are not a failure if an attempt with a stranger is not successful on first time. If you strike up a conversation, is a girl who has a boyfriend or not looking to date for whatever reason, supposed to turn and snarl and say "i have a bf" "don't talk to me". Lower the stakes. It's just a conversaton; potentially the beginning of a friendship, maybe more. You have to look at this situation as a success for most part. You struck up a conversation with someone you found attractive and then interesting. It's a numbers game. Both your number of interactions will build your confidence and lead you to the right person. Heck, it could even be this girl. It's a seed planted that's all. Guys with game are not looking at this situation like it's over forever. It doesn't really matter if it is or isn't. All that matters is how you view it. It was enough of a success to classify it as such. ps far too many times I've been the girl in exactly your story. Sometimes I haven't said yes because I haven't been interested, sometimes I have had something else going on or not really wanting to date for whatever reason. Sometimes I say no only to change my mind later on if we keep bumping into each other. My point is that 3 out of 4 of those reasons have nothing to do with the guy and what he did right or wrong. Good luck and keep doing what you've done. Don't be dejected at all.
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