johndoe2 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Hello all, This is isn't something I've done often and have little experience with it, so I'm soliciting feedback. A couple days ago I met a woman in a study area, who was, of course, studying. I started working on my computer, and while doing so started intermittently chatting with her; simple stuff, asking her what she was reading, trying to guess what she studied from her choice of reading material; turned out the book was for a required class not related to what she studied. Anyway, we talked for a little while (occasionally stopping to focus on her book, or me on my computer), at some point I introduced myself. She seemed responsive enough; I did most of the initiating but she occasionally asked a question back at me, laughed at some of my 'witticisms', so it didn't seem like I was too much of a nuisance. And eventually, as I started getting ready to leave, I asked if she wanted to get lunch sometime. She grinned and said no, offered an excuse of sorts, I said nice meeting you and took off. So did I likely do anything wrong here, or can I safely chalk this up to inevitability and assume I was okay? 1
ZA Dater Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Hello all, This is isn't something I've done often and have little experience with it, so I'm soliciting feedback. A couple days ago I met a woman in a study area, who was, of course, studying. I started working on my computer, and while doing so started intermittently chatting with her; simple stuff, asking her what she was reading, trying to guess what she studied from her choice of reading material; turned out the book was for a required class not related to what she studied. Anyway, we talked for a little while (occasionally stopping to focus on her book, or me on my computer), at some point I introduced myself. She seemed responsive enough; I did most of the initiating but she occasionally asked a question back at me, laughed at some of my 'witticisms', so it didn't seem like I was too much of a nuisance. And eventually, as I started getting ready to leave, I asked if she wanted to get lunch sometime. She grinned and said no, offered an excuse of sorts, I said nice meeting you and took off. So did I likely do anything wrong here, or can I safely chalk this up to inevitability and assume I was okay? I think you did well all things considering, to start a conversation with someone random is quite an achievement. In this case the rejection was probably because she wasn't single, that's the most likely possibility. 1
La.Primavera Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 She may not have been interested in more than a friendly chat but it sounds like it was a pleasant encounter that left her with a smile on her face. Next time try another girl who seems approachable, her reaction might be more encouraging. 1
Author johndoe2 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 I think you did well all things considering, to start a conversation with someone random is quite an achievement. In this case the rejection was probably because she wasn't single, that's the most likely possibility. I generally assumed that if a woman wasn't single she would just use that as her excuse? Especially considering plenty use it even if they aren't single?
organizedchaos Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I generally assumed that if a woman wasn't single she would just use that as her excuse? Especially considering plenty use it even if they aren't single? Probably wasn't attracted to you. But doesn't mean she can't be friendly. No biggie. Some will find you hot, others won't. That's the game. Chalk it up to a confidence builder. 3
ZA Dater Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Chalk it up to a confidence builder. How on earth you can link rejection with confidence building is quite beyond me. Care to elaborate?
La.Primavera Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 How on earth you can link rejection with confidence building is quite beyond me. Care to elaborate? I think he meant that since it wasn't something the guy had done very often, it was good practice approaching and talking to a woman. He may not have got a date out of it but he had a pleasant conversation. It's a good start. 3
jen1447 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Hello all, This is isn't something I've done often and have little experience with it, so I'm soliciting feedback. A couple days ago I met a woman in a study area, who was, of course, studying. I started working on my computer, and while doing so started intermittently chatting with her; simple stuff, asking her what she was reading, trying to guess what she studied from her choice of reading material; turned out the book was for a required class not related to what she studied. Anyway, we talked for a little while (occasionally stopping to focus on her book, or me on my computer), at some point I introduced myself. She seemed responsive enough; I did most of the initiating but she occasionally asked a question back at me, laughed at some of my 'witticisms', so it didn't seem like I was too much of a nuisance. And eventually, as I started getting ready to leave, I asked if she wanted to get lunch sometime. She grinned and said no, offered an excuse of sorts, I said nice meeting you and took off. So did I likely do anything wrong here, or can I safely chalk this up to inevitability and assume I was okay? Not "wrong" in the sense that you can do whatever you want, but as far as 'strategies' go (hate that term in this context), it was probably too much too soon imo. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 You did everything right. You were even bold confident enough to try. Problem is you probably scared her. You didn't know each other. If she was young, under 25, she may have mistakenly wondered if you were dangerous. She may have also had a BF. She may not have been interested. There are simply too many maybes & all we can do is guess. If you see her in the library again, strike up another conversation. She seemed receptive to talking. She may need a bit more persuading that you are not a serial killer. (I'm exaggerating there but a chance random encounter is a big leap of faith.) Next ask for a soda at the student union or perhaps mention somewhere you will be on the weekend & invite her to show up with her girlfriends. 2
Popsicle Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Hello all, This is isn't something I've done often and have little experience with it, so I'm soliciting feedback. A couple days ago I met a woman in a study area, who was, of course, studying. I started working on my computer, and while doing so started intermittently chatting with her; simple stuff, asking her what she was reading, trying to guess what she studied from her choice of reading material; turned out the book was for a required class not related to what she studied. Anyway, we talked for a little while (occasionally stopping to focus on her book, or me on my computer), at some point I introduced myself. She seemed responsive enough; I did most of the initiating but she occasionally asked a question back at me, laughed at some of my 'witticisms', so it didn't seem like I was too much of a nuisance. And eventually, as I started getting ready to leave, I asked if she wanted to get lunch sometime. She grinned and said no, offered an excuse of sorts, I said nice meeting you and took off. So did I likely do anything wrong here, or can I safely chalk this up to inevitability and assume I was okay? Awesome! Good on you for trying. You did everything right. It was just inevitability (with her). Keep up the good work, keep going. 1
Popsicle Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Some women need to warmed up through talking for longer. I chalk this up to that. 2
organizedchaos Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 How on earth you can link rejection with confidence building is quite beyond me. Care to elaborate? Practice makes perfect. Builds confidence and the more you realize not everyone will like you, the more you'll learn to brush it off. 3
elaine567 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Not "wrong" in the sense that you can do whatever you want, but as far as 'strategies' go (hate that term in this context), it was probably too much too soon imo. I agree, she maybe felt you make a habit of idly chatting to and picking up women in study areas. So whilst good on you for asking, perhaps there just wasn't enough connection there for her to say yes to you. BTW what excuse did she give you? 2
Satu Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 You did nothing wrong and she didn't either. Better luck next time. 1
Author johndoe2 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 Not "wrong" in the sense that you can do whatever you want, but as far as 'strategies' go (hate that term in this context), it was probably too much too soon imo. So how long then before I ask her out? BTW what excuse did she give you? She brings her own lunch in every day.
Gary S Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 She was not interested. She's probably got a crush on another guy she sees regularly, one who is probably in one of her classes. Instead of looking for girls you are attracted to, you should look for hints from your regular classmates - try to notice which girls are attracted to you first. If they have a crush on you, getting a date will be a whole lot easier.... it does not happen a lot, but sometimes they ask you out! And if one falls for you, she will be a lot of fun. In this way, you reduce rejection too.
lollipopspot Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 She brings her own lunch in every day. Since you see her everyday, I definitely think you should have gotten to know her a little better in that environment before asking her out. There wasn't necessarily a rush to get to the formal date, you might better have just interacted with her a couple days/week until you developed some comfort with her. 2
davidromero43 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 So did I likely do anything wrong here, or can I safely chalk this up to inevitability and assume I was okay? Was your zipper down? Just show up a few more times and keep the chatting going. One day she might say "You still want to get that lunch?". 1
jen1447 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 So how long then before I ask her out? Maybe next time, assuming it goes just as well as the first. If I were you I'd give it a little more time tho, being as you swung and missed early. It's best if she doesn't think that's your only agenda so she won't have to 'worry' about that at the end of each meet. Maybe try giving the impression that your only immediate goal is to enjoy her company where you both happen to be.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 How on earth you can link rejection with confidence building is quite beyond me. Care to elaborate? She smiled, they both had a pleasant chat, and nothing bad happened. That's great! It doesn't have to end in a date to be enjoyable. Life is full of pleasant little moments like this. OP, I think you did everything just fine. Repeat this, being friendly and connecting with people on a steady basis, and meeting someone who says yes is inevitable.
xxoo Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Was your zipper down? Just show up a few more times and keep the chatting going. One day she might say "You still want to get that lunch?". I agree with this, too. If you continue to see her on occasion, and she continues to be friendly, you can ask her out again. Just keep it light and flirty. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 (edited) Problem is you probably scared her. You didn't know each other. If she was young, under 25, she may have mistakenly wondered if you were dangerous. She may have also had a BF. She may not have been interested. There are simply too many maybes & all we can do is guess. . Could the OP have been a bit more assertive with the date invite? Yes. But I think he did the right thing asking her out in the moment. 1) The whole point of a first date is to start the getting to know you process. 2) It's not like a movie or TV show where two romantic leads happen to keep bumping into each other after initial contact. What if that's the only time she comes there, or what if she varies the days and times when she does? Since they don't have any classes together or run in the same social circle, there's a realistic chance that he might not ever see her again. Based on what he posted, this was a chance encounter with a girl that caught his eye. Not a girl he's been seeing there regularly on the same schedule. 3) They say that a woman knows within ten seconds if she'd potentially sleep with a guy. So if she wasn't feeling it on that first encounter, it probably wouldn't be any different later on. Edited May 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365
xxoo Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 3) They say that a woman knows within ten seconds if she'd potentially sleep with a guy. So if she wasn't feeling it on that first encounter, it probably wouldn't be any different later on. They say this, but it is not true for all women. It's not even close to true for me. Don't rely on it as a rule. It only serves to discourage asking her out later, after chemistry may have been established.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 They say this, but it is not true for all women. It's not even close to true for me. Don't rely on it as a rule. It only serves to discourage asking her out later, after chemistry may have been established. I think it has more to do with initial physical attraction. Like if you see a guy out and about you think is hot and you say to yourself "I'd totally f**k that guy". Of course, his personality would have to push your buttons. But the potential would be there initially simply because you were physically attracted. That is how I take the "ten second rule" anyways. In general though, it's still a good idea to ask a woman out on the first encounter in my opinion. The chances of running into her again are extremely small.
Author johndoe2 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 Awesome! Good on you for trying. You did everything right. It was just inevitability (with her). Keep up the good work, keep going. Thanks. I guess I'll keep trying. Just wanted to get an idea of how I was doing before I did this many times and failed only to find out later I had been doing something wrong all along. If you continue to see her on occasion, and she continues to be friendly, you can ask her out again. Just keep it light and flirty. I guess one issue though is that it's a big university. Really bug, one of the biggest. So the odds of running into the same person twice within a reasonably time frame isn't that good. So I assume that I pretty much need to ask her out or get a number (which presumably results from asking her out) after the first conversation. And finding out where a woman works or when she works out or something and going their regularly just to see her seems like stalking. Since you see her everyday, I definitely think you should have gotten to know her a little better in that environment before asking her out. There wasn't necessarily a rush to get to the formal date, you might better have just interacted with her a couple days/week until you developed some comfort with her. Well I don' actually see her every day, she told be that she brings her lunch every day. As per my above remark, it's a big place, so one doesn't see a lot of people again after seeing them once. Now, I could go to the same place regularly and talk with her if I see her again, but wouldn't the thought occur to her "why is this guy here every time I come here to study?" So that's why I asked in the first interaction. Thanks for your feedback everyone, btw.
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