6.5 weeks on break

[shawns77]

So my girlfriend of 3 years and I have been on a break for 6.5 weeks now.(her decision) We were engaged but that's been postponed. I've been keeping in contact with her via text, email, sending her letters, and gifts every few times a week. Sometimes she won't text back for 3 days after I contact her or not at all. She's being very distant and offers very little in return. I feel sometimes like she's too scared to actually break up with me and this is her way of dealing with it. I've been trying to give her space but at the same time show her I still love her and care for her very much. Yesterday she texted me this: "I keep getting messages and cards and your family is being sweet but maybe we need to talk again." Do you think this means she's actually going to break up with me this time or finally set things straight??

I'm trying to not read into things too much but stay positive and let her come to me.

[thekarmacist]

do you two have a set length of time for the break?

 

hard to be sure what she means as i'm not in her head, but maybe she wants you to back off for a little while.

 

since you aren't sure, why don't you clarify your position by asking?

[minime13]

So my girlfriend of 3 years and I have been on a break for 6.5 weeks now.(her decision) We were engaged but that's been postponed. I've been keeping in contact with her via text, email, sending her letters, and gifts every few times a week. Sometimes she won't text back for 3 days after I contact her or not at all. She's being very distant and offers very little in return. I feel sometimes like she's too scared to actually break up with me and this is her way of dealing with it. I've been trying to give her space but at the same time show her I still love her and care for her very much. Yesterday she texted me this: "I keep getting messages and cards and your family is being sweet but maybe we need to talk again." Do you think this means she's actually going to break up with me this time or finally set things straight??

I'm trying to not read into things too much but stay positive and let her come to me.

 

It is kind of impossible to say with what you've posted. Did you guys set parameters and a length of time that you would be apart? Did you agree to not contact each other, or did you just agree to separate for a while?

 

She may want to talk to you to let you know what she means by taking time apart. It's hard to clear your head and think about things when she's getting communication constantly from you and your family. You may want to prepare yourself for the possibility that she may want to cut all contact for a while.

[shawns77]

do you two have a set length of time for the break?

 

hard to be sure what she means as i'm not in her head, but maybe she wants you to back off for a little while.

 

since you aren't sure, why don't you clarify your position by asking?

 

There was never any set length of time...she said 1 or 2 months.

I think maybe I'm scared to find out the real answer that's why I haven't asked that specific question.

[thekarmacist]

it's ok to be scared, and understandable too.

 

even if she does break up with you, it doesn't mean it has to be over forever.

 

may i ask what the two of you needed a break for?

[shawns77]

It is kind of impossible to say with what you've posted. Did you guys set parameters and a length of time that you would be apart? Did you agree to not contact each other, or did you just agree to separate for a while?

 

She may want to talk to you to let you know what she means by taking time apart. It's hard to clear your head and think about things when she's getting communication constantly from you and your family. You may want to prepare yourself for the possibility that she may want to cut all contact for a while.

 

There was really no parameters set except for us taking time to figure ourselves out and also no specific length of time. She did mention 1 or 2 months. I asked if I could text her still and she started crying and said yes. It's just so hard when you've been in contact with someone you love everyday for the past 3 years to go to pretty much nothing.

[Country_Girl]

Shawns-

 

I've been on the receiving end of a "break" or "space".

 

I'll be honest, this is not good.

 

'Break' is short for breakup.

 

Did she start a new job recently or meet any new male friends? I think there's someone new and shiney in the picture, and she's not going to admit this.

 

Tell her you think the break was a good decision and offered you clarity of mind, when she asks why, do not elaborate.

 

Do not call, text, or email...let her come to you. Fall off the face of the earth.

 

I'm serious. You'll thank me later.

 

You do this and in a few days she'll wonder where the attention you gave her went. Don't go back full force, make her work for attention. Value yourself and others will soon follow.

 

I've been there.

[shawns77]

it's ok to be scared, and understandable too.

 

even if she does break up with you, it doesn't mean it has to be over forever.

 

may i ask what the two of you needed a break for?

 

 

 

Yeah, that's true.

We'd have conversations about having kids multiple times and I would usually change the topic or say no kids. The more and more she would bring it up, I would change my stance slowly in the back of my mind to want kids but would never tell her that. The night she decided we should go on a break I told her I was okay with having kids but was too afraid to tell her before cuz of my pride. She couldn't trust that cuz it seemed like I was trying to change overnight. The other thing was she felt lonely with me. I didn't support her as much as she wanted me to and do the things she always wanted to do like go to yoga, the gym, or volunteer with her. I was too damn stubborn and scared of what other people would think and never saw how much it hurt her.

[shawns77]

Shawns-

 

I've been on the receiving end of a "break" or "space".

 

I'll be honest, this is not good.

 

'Break' is short for breakup.

 

Did she start a new job recently or meet any new male friends? I think there's someone new and shiney in the picture, and she's not going to admit this.

 

Tell her you think the break was a good decision and offered you clarity of mind, when she asks why, do not elaborate.

 

Do not call, text, or email...let her come to you. Fall off the face of the earth.

 

I'm serious. You'll thank me later.

 

You do this and in a few days she'll wonder where the attention you gave her went. Don't go back full force, make her work for attention. Value yourself and others will soon follow.

 

I've been there.

 

She's been hanging out with her best friend(female) constantly who is going through her own separation. They've been hanging out with a not so good crowd so perhaps there is someone that interests her there. She's also added 2 of her ex's back to facebook but I know she'll never go back to them cuz one was abusive and the other was like a 2 week relationship.

 

 

Thanks for that advice.

[aloneinaz]

You really need to be the one to send an email or text and say you're moving on and the relationship is over. You'll feel better for doing this vs. LETTING her dump you.

 

I agree with the above.. I'd never accept someone who "loves me" telling me they needed a break from me and the relationship. It's the first step to ending the relationship in a gradual way.

 

If you're madly in love with someone, you'd never need to take a break.. PERIOD.. Cut your losses and move on.

[thekarmacist]

i don't see anything there that is a 'dealbreaker', except the kid thing, if, that is, you really don't want kids and she does.

 

everything else can be worked on if you're both willing.

 

people break up and they can and do get back together, but they have to know who they are, what they want, and be willing to compromise and make changes if necessary.

 

people are quick to make snap judgments about other people's situations. act based on evidence, and nothing else.

 

if you are suffering, ask her if she needs more time or wants her freedom.

 

hang in there. 3 years doesn't get erased in 7 weeks.

[shawns77]

You really need to be the one to send an email or text and say you're moving on and the relationship is over. You'll feel better for doing this vs. LETTING her dump you.

 

I agree with the above.. I'd never accept someone who "loves me" telling me they needed a break from me and the relationship. It's the first step to ending the relationship in a gradual way.

 

If you're madly in love with someone, you'd never need to take a break.. PERIOD.. Cut your losses and move on.

 

 

 

And part of me is thinking that's what she's doing. Gradually ending the relationship cuz she doesn't want to cut it off cold turkey. And she just expected me to go along with it and sign off along with her. I can't do that. I'm doing to continue to fight for her in my own way while showing her that I've become a better version of myself. I've thought about both worst case and best case scenario's in this situation and I'd truly be okay with both...eventually. I've never actually fought for any other relationship before though and I'm not ready to give up just quite yet.

[shawns77]

i don't see anything there that is a 'dealbreaker', except the kid thing, if, that is, you really don't want kids and she does.

 

everything else can be worked on if you're both willing.

 

people break up and they can and do get back together, but they have to know who they are, what they want, and be willing to compromise and make changes if necessary.

 

people are quick to make snap judgments about other people's situations. act based on evidence, and nothing else.

 

if you are suffering, ask her if she needs more time or wants her freedom.

 

hang in there. 3 years doesn't get erased in 7 weeks.

 

 

 

And that's exactly it. She never gave me another chance...yet. Unless there's something else that she's not telling me. I think the pressures of wedding planning really got to us both too. We weren't spending as much quality time together as a couple and that took a toll. Just everything built up and spewed out all at once.

 

 

I replied to her text saying that we can absolutely talk. Just waiting to hear back on when that can happen.

[thekarmacist]

good work. take the bull by the horns. you are doing everything right.

 

all is not lost.

 

i'm rooting for you.

[aloneinaz]

I'm doing to continue to fight for her in my own way while showing her that I've become a better version of myself.

 

And it's not going to work. Your only chance w/her since she's checked out is to disappear from her life. She has all the power and you're being her doormat. You need to turn the tables on her. If you emailed her and said "I love you but you're not committed to us, so I'm letting you go and moving on", you'd take some of the power back. It's not game playing. It's you standing up for yourself and gaining back your self respect. I'm sure she'll say that's fine or be dramatic but that's what she wants.

 

You then need to vanish from her life and let her do what she will. She needs to be away from you so she might miss you and reconsider down the road. In the mean time you should plan on her not coming back and move on. Find someone down the road who does want to commit to you and would never consider risk losing you by asking for a break.

 

Look up dumpers remorse on google. No dumper has ever returned to the dumpee for another chance when the dumpee kept begging, pleading and smothering them after the end of the relationship.

 

I speak from experience. My ex dumped me and I REALLY loved her despite what douche she was to me. I vanished from her life. Blocked her on everything. She never heard from me again. 6 months later, when she tired of the dating and her rebound relationship crashed and burned, she came back to me begging for another chance. She was told NO THANKS. She would of never of done that had I not vanished.

[shawns77]

And it's not going to work. Your only chance w/her since she's checked out is to disappear from her life. She has all the power and you're being her doormat. You need to turn the tables on her. If you emailed her and said "I love you but you're not committed to us, so I'm letting you go and moving on", you'd take some of the power back. It's not game playing. It's you standing up for yourself and gaining back your self respect. I'm sure she'll say that's fine or be dramatic but that's what she wants.

 

You then need to vanish from her life and let her do what she will. She needs to be away from you so she might miss you and reconsider down the road. In the mean time you should plan on her not coming back and move on. Find someone down the road who does want to commit to you and would never consider risk losing you by asking for a break.

 

Look up dumpers remorse on google. No dumper has ever returned to the dumpee for another chance when the dumpee kept begging, pleading and smothering them after the end of the relationship.

 

I speak from experience. My ex dumped me and I REALLY loved her despite what douche she was to me. I vanished from her life. Blocked her on everything. She never heard from me again. 6 months later, when she tired of the dating and her rebound relationship crashed and burned, she came back to me begging for another chance. She was told NO THANKS. She would of never of done that had I not vanished.

 

 

 

I've never once "begged or pleaded" for her to come back. I wouldn't exactly call a simple text saying "I hope you had a great weekend!" smothering.

 

 

At any rate, I will take your advice into consideration. I've never thought the "vanishing" part through before. It would be hard to do since we have so many mutual friends.

[minime13]

And part of me is thinking that's what she's doing. Gradually ending the relationship cuz she doesn't want to cut it off cold turkey. And she just expected me to go along with it and sign off along with her. I can't do that. I'm doing to continue to fight for her in my own way while showing her that I've become a better version of myself. I've thought about both worst case and best case scenario's in this situation and I'd truly be okay with both...eventually. I've never actually fought for any other relationship before though and I'm not ready to give up just quite yet.

 

There are two things that happen after a break: the person either breaks up or reconciles with you. Both do happen. I've been in two breaks, and one has ended in a break-up, and the other in reconciliation. So, it doesn't always just mean a break-up.

 

Given that you've explained some of your problems in the relationship, though, those are tough things to overcome all grouped together. Individually, they may seem like things you can work on. However, all put together - lack of support and interest in her activities, no kids - those are big things. Those are things that you have to show you would be willing to do. Have you given those things thought during your break? Have you figured out how you will show her that support and reassurance she will need? And can you show her that you are still committed to the idea of having children?

 

Those are the things she's been thinking about over the past 6+ weeks. Have you done things or said things that show you can be that person?

[aloneinaz]

I've never once "begged or pleaded" for her to come back. I wouldn't exactly call a simple text saying "I hope you had a great weekend!" smothering.

 

 

At any rate, I will take your advice into consideration. I've never thought the "vanishing" part through before. It would be hard to do since we have so many mutual friends.

 

At the end of the day, you're going to do what you want and what feels right to you. I know I learned a lot from this site when I was freshly dumped. I'd never heard of NC or dumpers remorse before. I read thousands of threads on here as I'd never been dumped before and was really hurt and struggling. Looking back at the time, it was frightening how accurate the information was. The different stages you go thru emotionally. The time frames..

 

All I'm suggesting is to keep reading here. Look up dumpers remorse or "how to get your GF back on google. There's lots of great advice from people who've "already bought that ground"..

 

The other thing to consider is this. So.. you give her more time. You "fight" for her. She agrees to one more try. How long till she needs "another break" to think things through? Read up on the success rate of reconciliations. Relationship break for many reasons. Most of those same reasons reappear after the initial "honeymoon phase" of the reconciliation end and the relationship ends again. I'm not aware of any long term relationships or marriages that included ANY break ups.

 

I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer. I'm just trying to share what I've learned over the years. I just remember reading on here so long ago where someone said "if they love you, they'd never risk ending a relationship and risking you moving on with someone else". When I'm massively in love with my girl, the thought of breaking up or asking for a break and her potentially sleeping with someone else is too much to bear..

[minime13]

I want to add to this - there isn't always just one person that causes any issues in a relationship.

 

What were issues you had with her? Was there anything that you wished she would work on that you felt she wasn't doing? Relationships are a two-way street, and she can't expect you simply to just be everything she wants without some of her own compromises.

 

It seems like you are willing to work on what she views as some of the problems you have, so what can she work on? It can't be all one-sided.

[shawns77]

There are two things that happen after a break: the person either breaks up or reconciles with you. Both do happen. I've been in two breaks, and one has ended in a break-up, and the other in reconciliation. So, it doesn't always just mean a break-up.

 

Given that you've explained some of your problems in the relationship, though, those are tough things to overcome all grouped together. Individually, they may seem like things you can work on. However, all put together - lack of support and interest in her activities, no kids - those are big things. Those are things that you have to show you would be willing to do. Have you given those things thought during your break? Have you figured out how you will show her that support and reassurance she will need? And can you show her that you are still committed to the idea of having children?

 

Those are the things she's been thinking about over the past 6+ weeks. Have you done things or said things that show you can be that person?

 

 

 

To say I've thought about those things would be an understatement. I have done lots of thinking, praying, and writing. I've written down countless ideas where I can show her that support and reasons why I might not have wanted to be as interested as I could've been before. So I've recognized quite a lot about myself in this time and really and truly believe I have found the "better" version of myself.

The fact that nearly every time I see friends with their new babies and families together I tear up thinking, "will I ever get to experience that with her" is proof that I've been thinking about it a lot. I've sent her a reply to talk things over, and I'll be sharing my complete heart with her and hold nothing back. It's the only way to get it all off my chest and to open up to her 100% however that may look.

[minime13]

The other thing to consider is this. So.. you give her more time. You "fight" for her. She agrees to one more try. How long till she needs "another break" to think things through? Read up on the success rate of reconciliations. Relationship break for many reasons. Most of those same reasons reappear after the initial "honeymoon phase" of the reconciliation end and the relationship ends again. I'm not aware of any long term relationships or marriages that included ANY break ups.

 

This right here is one of the most misleading arguments against a break. Look up the success rate of relationships, period. All but one are unsuccessful. Break-up/reconciliation has as much of a chance as working as any relationship. I think that's something people always seem to forget.

 

I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer. I'm just trying to share what I've learned over the years. I just remember reading on here so long ago where someone said "if they love you, they'd never risk ending a relationship and risking you moving on with someone else". When I'm massively in love with my girl, the thought of breaking up or asking for a break and her potentially sleeping with someone else is too much to bear..

 

There's also the saying, "if you love someone, set them free. If it's meant to be, they'll come back to you." Sayings are just sayings. A break isn't an opportunity for the other person to move on and find someone else, or sleep with someone else, or get involved with other people. It's a time-out that both people agree to. Breaking up is giving that freedom. Not a break.

[hunk]

If you listen to any advice seriously in this thread listen to aloneinaz and what i'm about to say.

 

Your relationship is done. She's stringing it out because she isn't strong enough to end it, is figuring out the best way to do it while she musters the strength, and is worried about how you're going to take it. It's been done for a long time, possibly months. Every single text, email, letter and gift you have sent her has pushed her further away from you. Sorry but this is the harsh truth. Your actions have repulsed her and while you think they are making you a "good boyfriend" and "caring", you are simply communicating that she can do whatever she wants (like instantiate a break for 6.5 WEEKS) and you're not gonna do anything about it, that you're not going anywhere. You look needy, weak and dependent. EVERY SINGLE time you've reached out her respect for you has dropped.

 

You are basically telling her you're a puppy dog waiting around for her to decide if she wants to play with you again. You need to man up and terminate this bull-****. If I were in your position I'd disappear with zero notice. Completely block, delete, the whole nine yards. You've been disrespected for 6.5 weeks and embarrassed yourself while kissing her ass the entire time. Her sexual attraction for you right now is non existent. If you want any hope of salvaging anything you have to take the initiative and exit her life indefinitely and realize for yourself that you've been made to look like a eunuch.

 

If you keep doing what you're doing it's irrecoverably over.

[Ruby65]

A break isn't an opportunity for the other person to move on and find someone else, or sleep with someone else, or get involved with other people. It's a time-out that both people agree to. Breaking up is giving that freedom. Not a break.

 

Seriously? Breaks almost always lead to breakups!

 

I've been a dumper and done this myself when I was younger -- used a break to check out someone else. I've also been on the other side and had a boyfriend ask for a break.... which of course lead to a breakup.

 

I don't personally know anyone who's had a break that DIDN'T lead to a breakup! Certainly it must happen, but it's rare. Couples who want to be together work through their issues IN the relationship, not by walking away from it.

 

Also this wasn't mutual -- she instigated it, not the OP. He's been clinging to hope, sending her gifts and texts and emails, while she's been moving on.

[minime13]

Seriously? Breaks almost always lead to breakups!

 

I've been a dumper and done this myself when I was younger -- used a break to check out someone else. I've also been on the other side and had a boyfriend ask for a break.... which of course lead to a breakup.

 

I don't personally know anyone who's had a break that DIDN'T lead to a breakup! Certainly it must happen, but it's rare. Couples who want to be together work through their issues IN the relationship, not by walking away from it.

 

Also this wasn't mutual -- she instigated it, not the OP. He's been clinging to hope, sending her gifts and texts and emails, while she's been moving on.

 

So do most relationships. One is not any more or less successful.

 

Mislabeling something doesn't make it the same thing. If you went on a "break" to hook up with someone else, that was a break-up. Sometimes they do end up in break-ups, sometimes they don't. No more or less than a relationship, period, though.

 

And, whoever instigates it is relevant, but if it wasn't a mutual agreement, again, it isn't a break. It's a break-up.

[Ruby65]

So do most relationships. One is not any more or less successful.

 

Mislabeling something doesn't make it the same thing. If you went on a "break" to hook up with someone else, that was a break-up. Sometimes they do end up in break-ups, sometimes they don't. No more or less than a relationship, period, though.

 

And, whoever instigates it is relevant, but if it wasn't a mutual agreement, again, it isn't a break. It's a break-up.

 

YOU were the one who said breaks are something "both people agree to"... which isn't the case here.

 

And I did NOT break up with my then-boyfriend of decades past. I told him I needed "a break" and "time to think" while I quietly checked out (not hooked up with) someone else who was on the horizon and captured my interest. Then I decided against it and let my boyfriend know our "break" was over. He never had any idea what was really going on.

 

I don't know one person who's had a "break" that didn't lead to a breakup. I don't see stories on sites like this about "breaks" leading to reconcilliation.

 

You don't see posts like "wow, things are so great between us now that we took that mutually agreed upon break!"

 

You see posts that say: "my girlfriend/boyfriend wants a break" and these stories usually lead to breakups. I can't remember reading a successful reconciliation after a break.

 

But seriously, why give OP false hope at this point?

 

WHY defend "breaks" or pretend they're a positive thing?