Feel like my partner treats me 2nd best compared to his ex.

May 21, 2015

Sooo, I've been with my partner for nearly 2 yrs, we have a son together and one on the way.

Recently his ex has decided to try to creep back into the picture but instead approaching my partner she's decided to taunt me on what "they had" etc.

I ignored it all at first but then my insecurities got the best of me. This girl has really gotten into my head she told me how they were going to name their child the same name we named out son, she told me all about the things he did for her and gifts he lavished on her.. I sat and thought long and hard and you know what he does NON of that for me and I'm the one sat here with his child and carrying another.

He told me he doesn't celebrate birthdays, valentines day or even Christmas but yet I came to find out he did when he was with her. He's told me we won't ever get married because he doesn't believe in all that but then I find out he bought his ex a ring and they planned to be married a few mths before the broke up..

Like... What did I do/ not do to be treated like a last resort?

I'm beyond hurt at this point.. Everything he does now I see and compare and it's driving me into a depression..

Am I just being stupid?

May 21, 2015

how do you know she's not lying about all of that?

Why are you having babies with a man who has told you to your face he will not marry you?

May 21, 2015

I'd believe everything she says. Your guy is a tool & you're a fool for being with him. He doesn't love you. If I were you I wouldn't raise my kids with someone like that.

You absolutely don't have to be with a douche like that. Dump him & let his ex have him. You would be losing nothing.

Not stupid, but a fool. Learn to respect yourself & only let those in your life that respect you.

May 21, 2015

Okay question, were you questioning your future with this guy before the ex resurfaced?

If so, then it's not the ex's fault.

Another question, is marriage important to you? If it is, and this guy already says he won't marry you, maybe you do need to walk away from the relationship.

May 21, 2015

I have a divorced guy friend who has an almost pathological fear of gift giving. Why? Because his xW made such a big friggin' deal about it! She even made him celebrate their wedding anniversary EVERY month, and every occasion for gift giving was made into a big broohaha. He would almost panic in the lead up, and she was continually expressing her disappointment in his choices.

He will never be in an R with kind of expectation again. Maybe your SO has this kind of baggage and what his x sees as soooooo perfect, he sees as an unpleasant accommodation. There's always two sides to every story. Why don't you find out his?

May 21, 2015

how do you know she's not lying about all of that?

Why are you having babies with a man who has told you to your face he will not marry you?

Exactly the questions I would ask.

I would also inform his ex that if she continues on like this that I will be reporting her for stalking.

May 21, 2015

you were perfectly happy til she turned up, i think she is lying and trying to find out how he treats you by discussing it all, she must be blocked from your life

not easy to find the right guy with two little ones around, and do you have a good ten year plan for being single, lonely too

how did she know where to find you?

May 21, 2015

Everything was fine before she raised her ugly head.. Infact, I'd never been happier than I was with him in all my relationships.

My SO confirmed all the stories she told me where the truth but when we got into a debate about the fact that they were only actually "together" for 6mths and that 5 mths of that were spent apart so how does this woman feel like she has one over in me? he seemed to rush try and defend her because they tried dating when they were teens.. Smh

Then I overheard him talking to a relative about the whole situation, he seemed to be surprised by the fact she had come into the picture and went on and in about how he hadn't talked to her in 3 yrs.. The kicker was when he admitted to the relative that "NO! I don't do the s*** for her like I did the ex! I treated the "ex" like a queen and looked were it got me!! Like WOW THAT HURT LIKE HELL, to me that's almost admitting I'm being treated like 2nd best.

Marriage is important to me, especially marrying someone I love as much as I love him, but he's seriously just made me feel like I'm not good enough after finding out his double standards...

May 21, 2015

Everything was fine before she raised her ugly head.. Infact, I'd never been happier than I was with him in all my relationships.
The kicker was when he admitted to the relative that "NO! I don't do the s*** for her like I did the ex! I treated the "ex" like a queen and looked were it got me!! Like WOW THAT HURT LIKE HELL, to me that's almost admitting I'm being treated like 2nd best.

I think if you have been happy then it looks like he is just focusing his energies in your relationship in different places than he did with his ex.

I think what happened is there was a big change in how he approaches relationships after his ex. He is, in a sense, a changed person after the pain of her breaking up with him.

In light of this, I don't think you can compare the two relationships and how he treated her verses you. It is comparing the pre-heartbreak boyfriend vs the post-heartbreak boyfriend.

It sounds to me he is giving himself to you in ways he didn't to her and maybe his ex can't stand to see you happy like this. I wonder if SHE feels second best. And so she is trying to show you what he gave to her and not you, all the while seeing he loves you more.

Remember, you have been happy. He must be doing something right.

And another word about the ex. She is toxic. She is trying to hurt you and him and she is succeeding.

Edited May 21, 2015 by bachdude

May 21, 2015

I really hope your right... Since all this happened I don't feel he's putting effort into anything anymore.. He's not slept in the same room as me in te last six mths and has admitted he's really not interested in the pregnancy, he says he's seen it all already with our first so it's not interesting to him.. Even though he was gone for the last 4 mths of my first pregnancy.. But if I get mad in just over reacting

And YES I KNOW THAT WOMAN IS POISON!! I just wish I had a rewind button and a wand to make her disappear

May 21, 2015

I think you're in total denial about the relationship being good. There's too many red flags with your boyfriend. How much history of other relationships do you have to compare this one to?

May 21, 2015

I was in my last relationship for 14 yrs.. And if I compare the two, this one is or should I say was wayyyyy more balanced than the last.. As for him, from what I've gathered from his previous relationships he seems to be a runner.. Slightest bit of drama and he's gone... Think that's the whole reason why I'm treading in broken glass right now as I'm tryin to keep him from running because if I speak my mind it's done.

May 21, 2015

Agree with the posters suggesting that things seem to be far from perfect in your relationship...ex or no ex.

But to stay on topic, the thing I would like to know is: why on Earth have you two allowed this ex to insert herself into your lives after all this time? You're obviously upset about it, so why don't you just stop communicating with her then?

May 21, 2015

I really hope your right... Since all this happened I don't feel he's putting effort into anything anymore.. He's not slept in the same room as me in te last six mths and has admitted he's really not interested in the pregnancy, he says he's seen it all already with our first so it's not interesting to him.. Even though he was gone for the last 4 mths of my first pregnancy.. But if I get mad in just over reacting
And YES I KNOW THAT WOMAN IS POISON!! I just wish I had a rewind button and a wand to make her disappear

Ok this is new information but I wouldn't give up on this.

How much of a blow up did the whole thing result in? I am guessing it was huge and not just the slightest bit of drama. BTW, why does there ever have to be any drama? Problems can be discussed calmly and reasonably. So this whole thing happened 6 months ago?

For him to say he is not interested in the pregnancy of his own child is very worrisome.

Clearly this whole problem never got resolved and has resulted in a huge wall. Please bear in mind that I am not putting this on your shoulders, but at some point, if the relationship is going to move forward, you are going to have to let it go he is going to have to feel that you don't hold this against him.

And for the relationship to move forward, he is going to have to stop withdrawing and being passive aggressive.

Someone is going to have to be the bigger person here to get the ball rolling.

Correct me if I am wrong, but did it go something like this?

You find out

You confront him and a big fight happens with a lot of finger pointing and accusations that he doesn't love you

He gets very defensive

He's hurt, withdraws, and becomes passive aggressive

A huge wall goes up

In your mind you just want reassurances that he really loves you

In his mind he's thinking he is misunderstood and no matter what he does with women it never works out and he can't make them happy.

He stops trying and caring

You are still left wondering

I know you can't read his mind but does this sound about right and plausible?

Edited May 21, 2015 by bachdude

May 21, 2015

Wait...you're pregnant with his child and he has refused to even sleep in the same room as you for the last six months?

The ex is the least of your worries.

You two have some serious issues to work through, and with one child already and another on the way, I suggest you two get some professional counselling to help you through this.

Ignoring it won't make it go away. Time to get to work.

You can be happy if you work for it, with or without this guy. Good luck <3

May 21, 2015

It started 6 mths ago by her contacting me through Facebook so I closed my account and so did he.. Then 2mths later she tried adding me on Instagram so I closed that but then she started emailing me (god knows where she got it from)

About 3 wks ago but I blocked her and reported her to the police.

I've never once screamed and shouted at him about it because as I said he will run if things get too intense and I'm trying to avoid that.

I think the lalat part of what you said is right though. I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug though now. And yes the whole uninterested in the pregnancy is VERY messed up, iive literally had no support from him with it from the start.. And he often gives me the speech off well " I'd given up on having kids " as if that should excuse why he's actin this way (meanin when he broke up with his ex) but yet they planned on having 4!! He sat at my first appt with the dr and literally turned to him and said "yeah I wasn't planning on ever being back again" when the dr congratulated us..

I just see a lot of double standards and I'm really trying but I just don't feel like it's being reciprocated.

May 21, 2015

It started 6 mths ago by her contacting me through Facebook so I closed my account and so did he.. Then 2mths later she tried adding me on Instagram so I closed that but then she started emailing me (god knows where she got it from)
About 3 wks ago but I blocked her and reported her to the police.
I've never once screamed and shouted at him about it because as I said he will run if things get too intense and I'm trying to avoid that.
I think the lalat part of what you said is right though. I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug though now. And yes the whole uninterested in the pregnancy is VERY messed up, iive literally had no support from him with it from the start.. And he often gives me the speech off well " I'd given up on having kids " as if that should excuse why he's actin this way (meanin when he broke up with his ex) but yet they planned on having 4!! He sat at my first appt with the dr and literally turned to him and said "yeah I wasn't planning on ever being back again" when the dr congratulated us..
I just see a lot of double standards and I'm really trying but I just don't feel like it's being reciprocated.

OK, well, with the bigger picture now, that he is not supporting you when you are carrying his child, is really serious and very sad. I don't know the inside of his mind, but his actions and words sound VERY passive aggressive and hurtful.

No matter what has happened between you, to behave like this while you are pregnant is not acceptable at all.

Have the two of you ever just sat down and had a heart to heart talk about it with a mind to really resolve the issue? Or does it stay as the big elephant in the room?

Will he go to counseling with you? If he agrees, maybe pick a male counselor; just a thought. If he refuses to go, then I strongly suggest going alone.

If he refuses to have a heart to heart about it and refuses counseling, then I don't see what else you can do. The relationship will not get better until he is willing to work on resolving the issue. Please don't be offended but it sounds like he needs to grow up.

May 21, 2015

We've talked on several occasions, problem is he's the type to be set in his ways and believes what he says is right. He says I'm childish for letting his ex have an effect on me but you know, it wouldn't hurt for him to at least tell her to back off and defend me but nope I can't even get that and when I spoke about the pregnancy his response was "well, would you rather me Lie to you?"

I brought up the not sleepin in the room and I swear he's given me about 10 different excuses ranging from me supposedly needin all the room to move around because of me being pregnant to the air in the room.. I doubt he'll go to councilling.. His attititude seems to be that he wants me to put up and shut up.

May 21, 2015

We've talked on several occasions, problem is he's the type to be set in his ways and believes what he says is right. He says I'm childish for letting his ex have an effect on me but you know, it wouldn't hurt for him to at least tell her to back off and defend me but nope I can't even get that and when I spoke about the pregnancy his response was "well, would you rather me Lie to you?"
I brought up the not sleepin in the room and I swear he's given me about 10 different excuses ranging from me supposedly needin all the room to move around because of me being pregnant to the air in the room.. I doubt he'll go to councilling.. His attititude seems to be that he wants me to put up and shut up.

Talking from experience and looking back at my life, including having a divorce under my belt, that approaching conflict with an "I'm right, your wrong" attitude will only result in failed relationships. If a person is not willing to really hear what their partner is saying then nothing gets solved.

I believe relationships very often fail because of poor conflict resolutions skills. Couples often approach conflict with, "I am right, you are wrong", instead of approaching the issues with, "How can we get this fixed?". Both need the attitude of, I value your feelings because I value you. How can we work together as a team instead of opponents? Both need to put ego aside.

I can see myself in your partner when I was younger; passive aggressive behavior coupled with poor conflict resolution skills. It will get him nowhere in life but a string of failed relationships.

Keep talking with and telling him how you feel. Refrain from accusing him of anything. Tell him what you need from him right now. Take responsibility for your own emotions. You could say, " I felt very hurt when I found out how you treated your ex. It may very well be my own insecurities, and I don't blame you in anyway, but I need some reassurances from you. I need you to ......."

You could use a similar line of communication regarding the pregnancy. "I feel abandoned and very much alone in this pregnancy. I feel I really need this from you ........ Would you please do this for me and the baby?"

May 21, 2015

Wow, if this is your best relationship I feel really bad for you. I think his ex did you a huge favor. Since you can't seem to see the obvious, your bf is a major douche & is not father or relationship material. Put your kids needs first & get them out of that abusive & neglectful environment. Work on whatever self esteem issues you have that makes you want to stay with him.

May 21, 2015

Start getting your affairs in order and get yourself in a position where you are able to take care of yourself and your children on your own because this relationship is going to fail.

He is simply not committed to you or the kids. He's a roommate that is allowing you to stay in the house for now. As sure as the sun will set at night, the day will come where either you can't take his neglect any more and will leave, or he will find some fluzzey without kids and he will toss you out.

We've all seen guys like this before, this is inevitable.

Start making preparations now. See a family law attorney and learn your rights and responsibilities in terms of child custody, child support, division of property etc etc.

Are you gainfully employed and do you have a means of supporting yourself and two children? If the answer is no, start working on getting yourself employable.

You need to be prepared to the point where if he starts to hit you or the kids you can walk away right then and not look back.

And you need to be at the point where if he walks in the door and tells you that you need to leave, that you are able to pack the kids up and leave that day without any fuss or arguments or begging or pleading or trying to negotiate.

You need to be able to just walk without a moment's notice.

Edited May 21, 2015 by oldshirt

May 21, 2015

Cant imagine what OP's past relationship was like if this one is the best

May 21, 2015

We've talked on several occasions, problem is he's the type to be set in his ways and believes what he says is right. He says I'm childish for letting his ex have an effect on me but you know, it wouldn't hurt for him to at least tell her to back off and defend me but nope I can't even get that and when I spoke about the pregnancy his response was "well, would you rather me Lie to you?"
I brought up the not sleepin in the room and I swear he's given me about 10 different excuses ranging from me supposedly needin all the room to move around because of me being pregnant to the air in the room.. I doubt he'll go to councilling.. His attititude seems to be that he wants me to put up and shut up.

I can see why you feel the way you do. I find it bizzare he wont sleep with you. It seems the relationship was okay but nothing fantastic... especially when you describe his feelings on your pregnancy. From what you wrote its hard to tell if things have gone a bit down hill as a result of the ex contacting you both. Maybe not much more in terms of his behavior but what she said has definitely made you see the relationship in a different light. You only thought it was okay because you bench marked it against your previous crappy relationship. At first I thought the ex was strictly a shyte stirrer, and she is but there is truth it seems to what she says.

In posts from men complaining about how the gf/wife treats them different from her past exes/lovers (and its usually sex), the general feeling is that people are allowed to change and its their prerogative if they want to treat some partners better than others, and the problem is not with them, but there dissatisfied partner who is insecure. Well I tend to not buy that and feel the partner has a right to feel less special (of course it depends on how big the issue is in the scheme of the relationship and is it generally a positive one otherwise). I've had an ex that used to treat her exes more special (not just sex) but because her relationships did not work out and she feels the guys were jerks, she is 'not doing that shyte no more'....a real turn off. I suspect there are quite a few people who bend over backwards to please former lovers and get burned and so change their ways like your ex has. I also think there is more to it and there also often a case of them not viewing you as special as their past lovers. Once you know this info its very hard to just let go of those thoughts, and its typical to be told something like 'your just overreacting'. If he wont go to MC then for him its a case of just deal with it.

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Feel like my partner treats me 2nd best compared to his ex.

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