We've been together for close to 3 years now and he doesn't see himself being married

[MiaMckenz]

So I had a conversation with my boyfriend today of close to 3 years regarding his plans for his future. He’s 27 and I’m 25. I asked him where’s he sees himself in 1.5-2 years and he stated the following:

1.) being where he wants to be in his career

 

2.) traveling the world

 

3.) and having his own place (he didn’t specify whether he wants to get a place with me or not, but he knows that I don’t agree with living together until marriage)

 

So then I asked him, do you see yourself being married or at least engaged? And his response was that (1) he’s not thinking about marriage right now and (2) he think that one day he’s just going to wake up and be like “I think I’m ready to get married”

So then he asked me the same question “where do I see myself in 1.5-2 years”, and I told him the following:

 

1) I will have my own place by then

 

2) I’d like to be married since we’ve been together for awhile now, if not engaged.

 

3) traveling a lot

 

He said “okay” to my response, and I told him that I’m glad I asked him this question.

So it’s really bothering me that he doesn’t even see us being engaged given that we’ve been together for so long; Like he didn’t mention anything about us at all. I know that he wants to marry me (I have no doubt about that) because we talk about our future together all the time, but I feel like he’s not where I am mentally in terms of our future together.

Thoughts on this?

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been in your shoes. I stayed for 7.5 years before I finally realized it was never going to happen. When I finally got the courage to lay it all out on the table, he admitted he wasn't going to marry me. And that we needed to move on from each other.

 

He was right!

[preraph]

Does getting his own place mean he still lives with his parents?? If so, then he is nowhere near ready for marriage. You can't even mature while you're living with mommy or a mommy figure. If he just means get rid of his roommates, that's a start.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Water's wet, the sky is blue, 27 year old dude has no thoughts on being married in the near future and 25 year old chick has a chapel, colors, a ring and a boy's and girl's name picked out.

 

What thoughts do you want exactly? I mean honestly, your relationship/situation is stereotypical.

 

If you're sure he wants to marry you, then whats the problem with waiting? Or are you not really sure?

[losangelena]

I think, too, that this is very typical arrangement that you're in. You asked your BF what he saw himself doing in the next year and a half, and you expected "marriage" to be on that list? If you'd asked about five/ten years, then maybe.

 

Why did you ask him this in the first place? What were you hoping to hear? It's one thing of you to tell him that you saw yourself marrying him in the next couple of years; it's another thing entirely to ask him that question when (I think) you had a specific answer in mind. I'm pretty sure he failed the test.

[lana-banana]

Not only does he not see himself being married, he doesn't see himself as being married to you. I think the absence of talk about your relationship is the biggest red flag. It's clear you guys are on different paths with no reconciliation in sight; stay with him at your own peril.

[Gaeta]

I think at your age and his, after 3 years dating, it's totally legitimate to ask him if he sees a marriage in his future.

 

If your life plans are to get married and start a family in the next couple of years this is not the man for you.

 

Your boyfriend sounds happy with what he has now and doesn't sound he's inspired for anything more.

[rester]

Did you say that you want to have your own place and be traveling a lot because that's what you really want, or because he said those things first and you are trying to find common ground? Because in his mind you are probably both on the same page regarding your future, although in your mind you're not.

 

I find it odd the conversation ended without any deeper questions or discussion. Where do you both want to travel to? Where do you both want to live? Where does he see himself in his career? Where do you want to get married, and why? Those are the questions to discuss amongst yourselves.

 

You also might want to ask him at what age he envisions himself getting married. And you need to be honest about what you want. If you want to be married and traveling a lot, and have your own place...what is your plan for that? Marriage doesn't just happen, and neither does saving money for travel and renting an apartment or buying a house. In fact, those can be very conflicting goals. The 1.5-2 year time frame may need to be extended...it will go by much faster than you think.

[KatZee]

I was with a guy for three years who I was "sure wanted to marry me." Because we would talk about the future.

 

Looking back, we never talked about the future. He only spoke in vague generalities. "Maybe one day this..." "Eventually that..."

 

I also asked him what his thoughts on engagement/marriage were. And I was also the girlfriend who wouldn't move in with him unless we were at least engaged.

 

If a guy wants to marry you, he's going to know if he wants to marry you. Especially after three years. Yes, it's true that he's still young. That doesn't mean he has to get married right this second, or within the next year, but if he SEES marriage with you, he would say: "I see us living together in our home, married."

 

Instead, it's all about him. Him traveling. His working on his career. Him owning his own place.

 

I don't see anywhere in this conversation where you're a part of anything.

 

Spoiler alert: My ex never wanted to marry me. He only dangled those carrots to keep me in a relationship with him. He never had any intention of proposing, or anything. No guy needs years to determine if they'd marry you. And if he needs years, he's not the right guy for you.

 

Further proof, we spent 3 years together and he wouldn't even concretely talk about it. He moved in with his next girlfriend after 4 months. Proposed before they even hit a year together.

 

I wasn't the girl for him, I doubt you're the girl for your boyfriend.

[Redhead14]

So I had a conversation with my boyfriend today of close to 3 years regarding his plans for his future. He’s 27 and I’m 25. I asked him where’s he sees himself in 1.5-2 years and he stated the following:

1.) being where he wants to be in his career

 

2.) traveling the world

 

3.) and having his own place (he didn’t specify whether he wants to get a place with me or not, but he knows that I don’t agree with living together until marriage)

 

So then I asked him, do you see yourself being married or at least engaged? And his response was that (1) he’s not thinking about marriage right now and (2) he think that one day he’s just going to wake up and be like “I think I’m ready to get married”

So then he asked me the same question “where do I see myself in 1.5-2 years”, and I told him the following:

 

1) I will have my own place by then

 

2) I’d like to be married since we’ve been together for awhile now, if not engaged.

 

3) traveling a lot

 

He said “okay” to my response, and I told him that I’m glad I asked him this question.

So it’s really bothering me that he doesn’t even see us being engaged given that we’ve been together for so long; Like he didn’t mention anything about us at all. I know that he wants to marry me (I have no doubt about that) because we talk about our future together all the time, but I feel like he’s not where I am mentally in terms of our future together.

Thoughts on this?

 

You didn't have this kind of conversation early on? Was he looking for a relationship leading to marriage for himself in general (he wouldn't know then if it would be you, but it was a goal for him) when you first started dating you?

 

If he told you he was looking for that in the beginning and has gone down the road with you for 3 years and now doesn't want marriage, he either changed his mind in the mean time because he's got all that without the commitment for this long or he now knows he doesn't want to marry you.

 

If he told you he was looking for something long-term without marriage or something casual, you have been stringing yourself along.

[spiritofjosh]

Some guys don't like the idea of marriage anymore. Personally I used to but I don't anymore because lets be honest, it's 2015 and it's apparent marriages fail all the time with how accessible everybody is to everybody else through social media and everything else.

 

I'm not saying all marriage is bound for divorce and perhaps one day if I'm in a relationship that is the "right" one maybe I'll change my mind. But what somebody else said; your relationship seems typical. The woman wants marriage and the guy holds off. To me this is normal.

 

Also, I may add that in a couple years he's looking at his career, living situation and such so maybe he has doubts about that within himself? Maybe not amounting to what he may or may not want? If so marriage can be something he may not be putting so much thought into yet, especially if you are both happy with each other he may just assume "she'll be there no matter where my life leads me in a couple years."

[BC1980]

He doesn't want to marry you. When you asked him about his future, he didn't even include you. I'm sorry, but that says it all. Look, you've spent 3 years together, and you are only 25. You can get out now, and you have your entire life ahead of you. Yes, you can always get married at any age, but you can't have kids at any age. He's 27. He's not a child, so he's capable of knowing if he wants to get married or not.

[minime13]

You've been together for 3 years, and when you ask about his future in the next 2 years, he doesn't really mention you.

 

He is focusing on establishing himself, not your relationship. Some of that isn't a bad thing, but I'd be concerned that there was no mention of anyone other than just him in his 1.5-2 year future.

 

Maybe it's time for the "where is this really headed" talk.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I concur with everyone that says this guy is not going to marry you.

 

Too many red flags for me.

 

OP, I find it very interesting that you KNOW that he wants to marry you (you have NO DOUBT about that) just because you talk in future tense? If he hasn't actually brought up marriage or kids, gave you a ring, asked you to move in with him or even included you in his 2-5 year play, I think the writing is on the wall with this guy. I think you're reaching and desperately clinging to tiny nuggets of hope.

 

Be very careful. There have been countless women who've stood by their men for far too many years in the hopes they'll eventually pop the question and don't.

 

After 3 years together and being at the age when people start thinking about their futures, it's not out of line to have the talk about YOUR future together. I agree it's time to lay it all on the line before you invest anymore time and energy in this relationship.

 

Good luck.

[davidromero43]

He just wants to have fun. And right now that includes you. To him you are just having fun as well. He is not seeing this as a progression. He is not seeing a 3 year relationship. He is seeing someone that has also chosen him for the last 3 years. Ask him at what age he thinks he will get married. I bet he says 35.

[KatZee]

He just wants to have fun. And right now that includes you. To him you are just having fun as well. He is not seeing this as a progression. He is not seeing a 3 year relationship. He is seeing someone that has also chosen him for the last 3 years. Ask him at what age he thinks he will get married. I bet he says 35.

 

That's actually really funny that you said this.

 

When I had the: "where is this going talk" with my ex, he said: "I'm not ready for marriage right now. What if I'm not ready until I'm 35? Because that's what I feel right now." (He was 27 when he said this)

 

Fast forward one year. He's engaged to someone else.