Versacehottie Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Funny thing is my ex wasn't even that special to be honest. I guess her devotion is what really made me fall in love with her. You just can't find devotion like that anymore, everyone wants to sleep with the next comment or like on Instagram. I constantly hear on this site from the older crowd that devotion isn't really that hard to find. I vehemently disagree with that assessment. Well that's disappointing after 4 years. Hmm, maybe she saw you as your best self rather than how you view yourself? You should at least give her credit for that even if relationship is no more. Or do you think she was desperate and just wanted a bf? The real question is: if she was not so impressive, why don't you think enough of yourself or your time to move on? I do agree that narcissism and looking for next best thing is rampant now. Perhaps when you find the next one who seems genuine you should look at the other parts of her that bring out this in her. In a way, forgive me, you seem to, in these brief posts so I could be totally wrong, to only look at a gf or your past gf in relation to yourself. Now you wouldn't be the first or last guy to do that--and guys are very ego-driven which I happen to like to an extent but don't let it be a pitfall of your dating. You sound like you are hoping an amazing gf will give you value that you don't already believe you have. That's a bottomless pit if you are doing that from point of insecurity and a not a very deep relationship and sadly another form of narcissism and selfishness. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Have you been to NYC? I thought his assessment was spot on! Actually used to live there. I'm not saying it's totally wrong but if that's what you are focusing on, it's what you will see. Focusing on barriers and limitations will stop you from what you want. Yes, is it more materialistic than a rural area in general? Of course. I know what my excuse for living there was, what's yours? I'm being sarcastic but really if you know you have good personal qualities as it seems you do, would it be possible that someone else there has similar qualities? Actually I'm thinking of a couple that I know there, who met there and they are great-hearted people--be lucky to find them in New York OR Nebraska. That's just a quick example of it being possible. I've been a little tough on you but I hope it's obvious from my posts over time on this board that I also have a good heart and I lived there. Whoever said you should do some hobbies that are you is right. You will be most likely to bump into like minded people within your hobbies. 1
Author Jonp219 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 Jon, you're starting to sound like a guru! Yeah, I don't know what's gotten into me.
Author Jonp219 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 Well that's disappointing after 4 years. Hmm, maybe she saw you as your best self rather than how you view yourself? You should at least give her credit for that even if relationship is no more. Or do you think she was desperate and just wanted a bf? The real question is: if she was not so impressive, why don't you think enough of yourself or your time to move on? I do agree that narcissism and looking for next best thing is rampant now. Perhaps when you find the next one who seems genuine you should look at the other parts of her that bring out this in her. In a way, forgive me, you seem to, in these brief posts so I could be totally wrong, to only look at a gf or your past gf in relation to yourself. Now you wouldn't be the first or last guy to do that--and guys are very ego-driven which I happen to like to an extent but don't let it be a pitfall of your dating. You sound like you are hoping an amazing gf will give you value that you don't already believe you have. That's a bottomless pit if you are doing that from point of insecurity and a not a very deep relationship and sadly another form of narcissism and selfishness. She was whatever, she was good in some regards, but I really don't want to give her TOO much credit. It's only going to make me place her back on that pedestal, and that's something I'm really trying to avoid. And I think everything you just said was absolutely true. My desire for a girlfriend does come from a selfish place. I feel like there's another me inside my mind sometimes. I'm not sure what to call it, I always say it's the person I want to mold myself into. Through out my life, I've been searching for answers on how to bring that individual out of me. I couldn't find it on my own, I couldn't find it through my ex, I couldn't find it anywhere. I look back at the relationship and say it was my fault it ended, but what the hell does that do for me? I don't look at it as a learning experience like everyone else does. "Oh, I see what I did there. Well, I'll make sure to be a better boyfriend next time". No, a relationship is a life, and you have to live with the fact that YOU killed it. It ceases to exist because of YOUR selfishness, your ego, your own equivocal mood swings that sent mixed signals to all within striking distance. I laugh sometimes because she was probably the best person that ever walked into my life, and of course, I pushed her away. It reminds me of my childhood but that's another story... And I can take a guess on what you might tell me next. You're going to tell me that I need to face this ordeal. Well, I face it every morning when I look at my phone, I face it when I see places we use to go to, I face it on holidays, I face it when the weather is warm, and I face it when I hear her favorite band on the radio. I hope you don't think I'm angry at you or anything. I get passionate when I express my thoughts, especially when I elaborate on sensitive topics. 1
Author Jonp219 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 Actually used to live there. I'm not saying it's totally wrong but if that's what you are focusing on, it's what you will see. Focusing on barriers and limitations will stop you from what you want. Yes, is it more materialistic than a rural area in general? Of course. I know what my excuse for living there was, what's yours? I'm being sarcastic but really if you know you have good personal qualities as it seems you do, would it be possible that someone else there has similar qualities? Actually I'm thinking of a couple that I know there, who met there and they are great-hearted people--be lucky to find them in New York OR Nebraska. That's just a quick example of it being possible. I've been a little tough on you but I hope it's obvious from my posts over time on this board that I also have a good heart and I lived there. Whoever said you should do some hobbies that are you is right. You will be most likely to bump into like minded people within your hobbies. I was born and raised here. New Yorkers do have a good heart, but I'm talking about the natives, not these hipsters. It's OK to be hard on me, I like a challenge from time to time. It helps me gain insight on myself and the person I'm having the discussion with. Overall it's good the soul. 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Yes of course she's not going to throw herself at you. Maybe some of them will, but I don't think those are the type of women you would want as girlfriends. Working on yourself helps you learn about your capabilities as a functioning member of society. Becoming a better you raises status and women will see this when they meet you. However, that doesn't mean you have to be a rich millionaire tycoon who works on Wall Street. Some of the most charismatic people I've ever met were regular people working 9-5 jobs. My friends dad is a good example. He can strike up a convo with ANY individual whether it be a man, woman, child it doesn't matter he's very open minded. He works maintenance at an office building and he even meets some women on his job. He's very confident and loving towards his family and others and that sort of energy makes others gravitate towards him. Getting yourself together is for YOU. And after that, everything else will follow. Even when you're in a relationship you can't focus on her all the time. You need to have a life of your own, that way you and your girl have something to talk about. The women that throw themselves at men, why are they the wrong types?
Author Jonp219 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 The women that throw themselves at men, why are they the wrong types? To each is own. I'm not a fan of quick women they make me suspicious, but that's just me.
Versacehottie Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 She was whatever, she was good in some regards, but I really don't want to give her TOO much credit. It's only going to make me place her back on that pedestal, and that's something I'm really trying to avoid. And I think everything you just said was absolutely true. My desire for a girlfriend does come from a selfish place. I feel like there's another me inside my mind sometimes. I'm not sure what to call it, I always say it's the person I want to mold myself into. Through out my life, I've been searching for answers on how to bring that individual out of me. I couldn't find it on my own, I couldn't find it through my ex, I couldn't find it anywhere. I look back at the relationship and say it was my fault it ended, but what the hell does that do for me? I don't look at it as a learning experience like everyone else does. "Oh, I see what I did there. Well, I'll make sure to be a better boyfriend next time". No, a relationship is a life, and you have to live with the fact that YOU killed it. It ceases to exist because of YOUR selfishness, your ego, your own equivocal mood swings that sent mixed signals to all within striking distance. I laugh sometimes because she was probably the best person that ever walked into my life, and of course, I pushed her away. It reminds me of my childhood but that's another story... And I can take a guess on what you might tell me next. You're going to tell me that I need to face this ordeal. Well, I face it every morning when I look at my phone, I face it when I see places we use to go to, I face it on holidays, I face it when the weather is warm, and I face it when I hear her favorite band on the radio. I hope you don't think I'm angry at you or anything. I get passionate when I express my thoughts, especially when I elaborate on sensitive topics. i dont really have anything else to contribute at the moment. u got this! in a good way :-) dont be so hard on yourself 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 And yes it is frustrating seeing them around because I feel I can't have them even though I have lost a lot of weight, I'm in a lot better shape physically than I was 3 years ago
Author Jonp219 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 And yes it is frustrating seeing them around because I feel I can't have them even though I have lost a lot of weight, I'm in a lot better shape physically than I was 3 years ago You should also pay attention to the way you dress that can make a huge difference (Now that I mention it, I have to buy new clothes ). The way you dress is a form of self expression and it shows others (not just women) how you carry yourself. A few nice clothes here and there would be nice to have. I'm a business graduate (well, almost). And the same way a company markets a product, you have to market yourself to women. We market ourselves every single day. We market ourselves at networking events, at a parties, at our jobs, and especially at job interviews and dates. Look at yourself and ask yourself, "Would I want to be with me? Should I make some adjustments to my lifestyle? Should I stop smoking and drinking? Should I exercise more? Am I comfortable in my own body?" That last one is very important, because if you don't believe in your product (i.e you) how can you expect anyone else to? 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 You should also pay attention to the way you dress that can make a huge difference (Now that I mention it, I have to buy new clothes ). The way you dress is a form of self expression and it shows others (not just women) how you carry yourself. A few nice clothes here and there would be nice to have. I'm a business graduate (well, almost). And the same way a company markets a product, you have to market yourself to women. We market ourselves every single day. We market ourselves at networking events, at a parties, at our jobs, and especially at job interviews and dates. Look at yourself and ask yourself, "Would I want to be with me? Should I make some adjustments to my lifestyle? Should I stop smoking and drinking? Should I exercise more? Am I comfortable in my own body?" That last one is very important, because if you don't believe in your product (i.e you) how can you expect anyone else to? Personally, I don't think that's a good way to think. You should do those things for you. The difference is that when you get rejected or dumped, you don't chalk it up to your inadequacy and furiously try and improve those things so that you can get/keep the next one. And ask yourself. "Yea, she's a gal who's got a few extra pounds who shops at Kmart, gets haircuts at Supercuts, and works as a pre-school teacher. But she's a great person who won't refuse to talk to anybody and she's loyal to her friends." Would you buy that product? 1
Author Jonp219 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 (edited) Personally, I don't think that's a good way to think. You should do those things for you. The difference is that when you get rejected or dumped, you don't chalk it up to your inadequacy and furiously try and improve those things so that you can get/keep the next one. And ask yourself. "Yea, she's a gal who's got a few extra pounds who shops at Kmart, gets haircuts at Supercuts, and works as a pre-school teacher. But she's a great person who won't refuse to talk to anybody and she's loyal to her friends." Would you buy that product? Nobody would know that unless they talk to her, and most likely no one will unless she's involved in some social circles. My advice only works where I'm from, it definitely wouldn't work anywhere else. Sadly, what I laid out is the mindset you have to have in my city, or else no one would even think about talking to you in a casual setting. New York is very fashion conscious, and you either have to get with it or be single forever. This is simply just based on my perspective. The 'product' you mention would only catch my attention if I were to see her niches first hand, it doesn't exude attraction off the bat otherwise. But ultimately, I would give a girl like that a chance. Edited May 24, 2015 by Jonp219
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 Nobody would know that unless they talk to her, and most likely no one will unless she's involved in some social circles. My advice only works where I'm from, it definitely wouldn't work anywhere else. Sadly, what I laid out is the mindset you have to have in my city, or else no one would even think about talking to you in a casual setting. New York is very fashion conscious, and you either have to get with it or be single forever. This is simply just based on my perspective. The 'product' you mention would only catch my attention if I were to see it first hand, it doesn't exude attraction off the bat. I'm from NYC too, or the area at least. I was just in Manhattan yesterday and I'll be there tonight. The irony of what you mention is that 10-15 years from now, 85% of the people you see in that club/party scene will be: 1) Pushing strollers around the suburbs. 2) Could care less about walking into a Diesel, Kenneth Cole, or Armani store and will be walking into daycare centers and baby stores. 3) Will barely ever go drinking or eating at the 'hip' places again. People who choose based on those things have no idea how little they mean in the grand scheme of the future. Compatibility and outlook on life. Those are the things that stay with you as we change and evolve as people. You should try and push through the other BS to try and find it because it is really hard to find. Anyway, just my opinion. I myself went through a stage of trying to make more $, spend $100 a pop on jeans and dress shirts, and work on my pecs like a madman to try and impress women. Ask me if it worked? 1
Author Jonp219 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Posted May 24, 2015 I'm from NYC too, or the area at least. I was just in Manhattan yesterday and I'll be there tonight. The irony of what you mention is that 10-15 years from now, 85% of the people you see in that club/party scene will be: 1) Pushing strollers around the suburbs. 2) Could care less about walking into a Diesel, Kenneth Cole, or Armani store and will be walking into daycare centers and baby stores. 3) Will barely ever go drinking or eating at the 'hip' places again. People who choose based on those things have no idea how little they mean in the grand scheme of the future. Compatibility and outlook on life. Those are the things that stay with you as we change and evolve as people. You should try and push through the other BS to try and find it because it is really hard to find. Anyway, just my opinion. I myself went through a stage of trying to make more $, spend $100 a pop on jeans and dress shirts, and work on my pecs like a madman to try and impress women. Ask me if it worked? I agree... In a decade or two none of that is going to matter the slightest. However at my age I have to render myself to the bull****, and hope to God I can find a diamond in the ruff somewhere. It hard enough meeting a good woman out here, it's going to be even harder not putting myself out there for them to see. I much rather be in a basement with my friends drinking a few beers and watching a game instead of being at a night club or a hooka lounge. But hey, what can we do lol 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 24, 2015 Posted May 24, 2015 I much rather be in a basement with my friends drinking a few beers and watching a game instead of being at a night club or a hooka lounge. But hey, what can we do lol Heh, heh. You and me both. I wish you well, brutha... 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 You should also pay attention to the way you dress that can make a huge difference (Now that I mention it, I have to buy new clothes ). The way you dress is a form of self expression and it shows others (not just women) how you carry yourself. A few nice clothes here and there would be nice to have. I'm a business graduate (well, almost). And the same way a company markets a product, you have to market yourself to women. We market ourselves every single day. We market ourselves at networking events, at a parties, at our jobs, and especially at job interviews and dates. Look at yourself and ask yourself, "Would I want to be with me? Should I make some adjustments to my lifestyle? Should I stop smoking and drinking? Should I exercise more? Am I comfortable in my own body?" That last one is very important, because if you don't believe in your product (i.e you) how can you expect anyone else to? I have been going to the gym lately, but obviously that is not enough, for guys it is never enough, it seems guys have to be more well-rounded than girls do
ZA Dater Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 I have been going to the gym lately, but obviously that is not enough, for guys it is never enough, it seems guys have to be more well-rounded than girls do I don't think this is particularly true BUT I think there are many guys who prefer a female who is not as smart as them because my experience is the smarter females really battle with dating, almost as much as many guys do. There is definitely a reverse side to it. A good example was someone a friend tried to set me up with, by all accounts a very attractive female, bar perhaps her face (face is NB for me) and she looked amazing in a bikini but one dinner party was enough for me to totally not even consider trying to date her. Why because she had no substance at all, there was nothing to her, no opinions, limited knowledge. My point being you cant chase looks on their own unless you place an absolute premium on sex.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I don't think this is particularly true BUT I think there are many guys who prefer a female who is not as smart as them because my experience is the smarter females really battle with dating, almost as much as many guys do. There is definitely a reverse side to it. A good example was someone a friend tried to set me up with, by all accounts a very attractive female, bar perhaps her face (face is NB for me) and she looked amazing in a bikini but one dinner party was enough for me to totally not even consider trying to date her. Why because she had no substance at all, there was nothing to her, no opinions, limited knowledge. My point being you cant chase looks on their own unless you place an absolute premium on sex. Besides going to the gym, I'm also working out with a personal trainer at the gym, and I'm trying to stop my frequent masturbation
Elam Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Besides going to the gym, I'm also working out with a personal trainer at the gym, and I'm trying to stop my frequent masturbation Why would you stop masturbation? Are you part of that nofap sub? Seriously, that stuff will cause you problems.
johndoe2 Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Why would you stop masturbation? Are you part of that nofap sub? Seriously, that stuff will cause you problems. Out of curiosity, I must ask, what is the nofap sub?
mario_C Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 I agree... In a decade or two none of that is going to matter the slightest. However at my age I have to render myself to the bull****, and hope to God I can find a diamond in the ruff somewhere. It hard enough meeting a good woman out here, it's going to be even harder not putting myself out there for them to see. I much rather be in a basement with my friends drinking a few beers and watching a game instead of being at a night club or a hooka lounge. But hey, what can we do lol Well, there's other stuff in between. What else do you like to do? Do you have creative interests, career goals, hobbies? Who do you want to be? Go where other people who share those goals and hobbies and interests are - everyone, not just women - and talk and have a beer and laugh. This is NYC, for Gdsake, you can't throw a stick without hitting two Meetups and a networking party. Out of curiosity, I must ask, what is the nofap sub? For the skinny on "nofap" go to yourbrainonporn.com. It started from the featured Ted talk and has turned into a movement.
johndoe2 Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 For the skinny on "nofap" go to yourbrainonporn.com. It started from the featured Ted talk and has turned into a movement. Oh, so it refers to the anti-porn movement? Mmkay. I think it's sensible to just abide by Randy Marsh rule: twice a day max. We don't want the internets to dry up after all.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Why would you stop masturbation? Are you part of that nofap sub? Seriously, that stuff will cause you problems. It affects your dopamine receptors
Author Jonp219 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Well, there's other stuff in between. What else do you like to do? Do you have creative interests, career goals, hobbies? Who do you want to be? Go where other people who share those goals and hobbies and interests are - everyone, not just women - and talk and have a beer and laugh. This is NYC, for Gdsake, you can't throw a stick without hitting two Meetups and a networking party. Mario, my problem isn't the amount of choices I have here, it's just culture. Yes, plenty of people network and socialize in NYC, but how many people actually build off of that in terms of a relationship? It's usually hookup-hookup-date-hookup-date-follow by a 8 month relationship. If that's the goal of it all then what's the point? Why bother? Yesterday I went to a rooftop lounge with a friend I met on a Meetup group. He's really good with women, you could even consider him somewhat of a coach since he's taught me a lot. He just makes it look so easy, while I struggle to have a word come out of my mouth. Anyway, this other guy I met there started talking to these 2 blondes and I somewhat had to jump into the convo (I was with him). But these women were so vapid and full of themselves that I just didn't want to talk anymore. Although I finally spoke to a woman, I didn't feel good about it because I didn't do a good job at the conversing with them and my new friend was leading the conversation most of the way. The women were immensely more interested in talking with him than they were with me. Although my friend was trying his best to get me to talk to someone I couldn't bring myself to do it. All these women were in groups or they were with someone already. I didn't have a horrible time, but I was a little frustrated with myself and still am. Point is I can't even talk to women I'm NOT interested in, imagine meeting ones that are. I just feel like such a wuss and so incompetent. I have a good image of the type of person that I want to be like, but I just can't find the courage to bring that guy out of me. I make it hard on myself, but New York makes it even harder. Women don't want someone like me, normally I would be the type to get shoved to the back of the line.
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