Seeing beautful women around you--Frustrating...

[Versacehottie]

I understand how to talk to women, I just can't get out of my own way. I bring myself down before ever giving it a shot. My problem is introductions, how the hell does someone introduce themselves and start a conversation without asking too many personal questions? It sounds so simple yet I find it challenging. When I see some of my friends do it they look like magicians the way they have them laughing and stuff. Yet, I could only wish lol.

 

Well listen you have pinpointed your problem for sure. It's between the lines of your original post. You just have to understand that most people have moments where they don't feel 100%. Let's say your having a good day, do you think you could talk to a pretty girl at that point? Probably more likely, right?

 

First step is change how you talk to yourself and LIKE yourself first. That will level the playing field out quite a bit. Second lower the stakes. Don't think of the end result (date/girlfriend), just try to entertain yourself all day by having conversations that present themselves or make new friends, then let things evolve. If you want to, conversations present themselves MUCH more than you are imagining. I think your friends just talk to girls with goal of being entertaining and light flirting--that's why the girls are laughing and having fun. Anyone who is trying too hard is transparent and not as attractive. Also you have to realize that it's a two way street. As much as you think she is judging you, you are determining also if she has the goods to make her a good prospect for you. That should reduce anxiety too. Lastly, the truth is a lot of good looking girls don't get asked out as much as you are imagining. Guys either make desperate attempts (wrong kind of guys), are shy or involved (either with another girl already or are not really paying attention to meet girls out in public).

 

Like you said, you see couples all the time where you are wondering "why". Your looks are good and if you add self-confidence and a good personality to it and treat a girl well that makes all the difference. You just need to work on your confidence and practice. I've said it before on this site to answer similar concerns--start by talking to people that don't mean anything to your dating game. Along the way in your daily travels. It will put you in the right mindset and is low stakes practice. Good luck

[Jonp219]

Specifically, What have you done to work on yourself?

 

What books have you read for improvement?

What's your career and education?

Describe your physique. Tell me about your exercise and eating habits. How big is your belly?

What hobbies and skills have you developed? What sports do you play?

What have you done to build a quality social circle? How do your female friends help you to get dates?

What kind of psychotherapy are you using? How often do you see a therapist?

What medications do you take for anxiety and depression?

Do those female friends help to improve your fashion? Have they helped improve your hairstyle? Are your teeth white?

 

What books have you read for improvement?*

The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle

 

What's your career and education?

 

I'm currently a security guard. I'm just finishing my Bachelor's in Business Administration this summer. And I'm probably going to enter a MBA program for February (Not sure yet).

 

Describe your physique. Tell me about your exercise and eating habits. How big is your belly?

 

I'm fit/little extra weight on me. I rarely go to the gym anymore, but I do exercise with a kettle bell in my home at least 3 times a week. I believe my eating habits are healthy just need to cut back on rice and bread. I also drink plenty of water and try to eat fruit everyday. My belly is the one part of my body I dislike.

 

What hobbies and skills have you developed?

I write and play video games (sometimes). I don't know what else to do.

 

What sports do you play?

 

I play basketball, but only in the summer.

 

What have you done to build a quality social circle? How do your female friends help you to get dates?

 

I've gone to 2 Meet up groups, and I started hanging out with my friends more. Female friends? I only have 2 (really 1) but she's not much help in that department.

 

What kind of psychotherapy are you using? How often do you see a therapist?

 

Cognitive behavioral therapy. Last time I saw him was 3 weeks ago...

 

What medications do you take for anxiety and depression?

I don't take medication. I used to when I was 21 but never again.

 

Do those female friends help to improve your fashion? Have they helped improve your hairstyle? Are your teeth white?

 

Hmm not really. They do tell me I look like certain actors and that I should emulate their style more, but at the same time be original. My teeth are not white, more like a light shade of yellow.

[Jonp219]

Why the focus on beautiful women? Are you giving average woman fair consideration?

 

How is your overall social life, outside of dating?

 

When I say beautiful i'm being subjective.

 

It doesn't get more average than my ex, and I spent 4 years with her. I have no problem with average girls but the girls I see as average might be 'ugly' to you or 'beautiful' to another. Looks are just subjective overall, there's no way to pinpoint it. I'm not looking for "Americas Next Top Model", but I guess that wouldn't be too bad either.

 

My social life is rather average. My closest friends are still people I went to high school with.

[Jonp219]

This. This is it.

 

I get so frustrated with Jon's posts because he's everything Satu just said.

 

A completely normal guy. Looks like tons of other people I know in NY who are all pairing up, talking to girls, etc.

 

I'm not kidding about taking you out with my all female friends, Jon. If I could post pictures on this forum, you'd have a heart attack.

 

If you want to do that after I get back, I'm more than willing. As a reader of your posts and a guy who was in your situation a couple years back... hell.. i think i was in a psychosis... I'd like to help you get past it.

 

That sounds awesome

 

It's really nice of you to try to help me out like that. I'll definitely consider it.

[William]

Please feel free to continue that conversation privately, since it is not appropriate for the public forum. Thanks!

[Jonp219]

Please feel free to continue that conversation privately, since it is not appropriate for the public forum. Thanks!

 

No problem:)

[PogoStick]

I applaud you being brave enough to answer those questions.

 

Read read read. Books, magazines, the news; politics, current events, local and world coverage, read science articles. The more you know the more interesting conversations you can have with a wider variety of people. I impressed a Russian date when we went to a bar called Sputnik, and I was able to name the first Russian cosmonaut.

 

You need social hobbies and sports. Volleyball is awesome, also softball, even kickball. Those are all great coed activities. I love playing basketball too. It's good for guy time, but it's not going to land any girls.

 

And obviously, you need more female friends. You don't need to F them all! Get comfortable spending time and having conversations with them. They give you social proof. They have friends. They'll teach you how to be more attractive. They are invaluable. Start friend-zoning girls and it will change your life!

[Versacehottie]

What books have you read for improvement?*

The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle

 

What's your career and education?

 

I'm currently a security guard. I'm just finishing my Bachelor's in Business Administration this summer. And I'm probably going to enter a MBA program for February (Not sure yet).

 

Describe your physique. Tell me about your exercise and eating habits. How big is your belly?

 

I'm fit/little extra weight on me. I rarely go to the gym anymore, but I do exercise with a kettle bell in my home at least 3 times a week. I believe my eating habits are healthy just need to cut back on rice and bread. I also drink plenty of water and try to eat fruit everyday. My belly is the one part of my body I dislike.

 

What hobbies and skills have you developed?

I write and play video games (sometimes). I don't know what else to do.

 

What sports do you play?

 

I play basketball, but only in the summer.

 

What have you done to build a quality social circle? How do your female friends help you to get dates?

 

I've gone to 2 Meet up groups, and I started hanging out with my friends more. Female friends? I only have 2 (really 1) but she's not much help in that department.

 

What kind of psychotherapy are you using? How often do you see a therapist?

 

Cognitive behavioral therapy. Last time I saw him was 3 weeks ago...

 

What medications do you take for anxiety and depression?

I don't take medication. I used to when I was 21 but never again.

 

Do those female friends help to improve your fashion? Have they helped improve your hairstyle? Are your teeth white?

 

Hmm not really. They do tell me I look like certain actors and that I should emulate their style more, but at the same time be original. My teeth are not white, more like a light shade of yellow.

 

Ok, can you take a little constructive criticism that will help (first small step). I applaud you also for answering these questions and given the context in which you answered them (in a hurt state and frustrated with dating) I will allow you a little leeway. However, do you think you can answer them with less of a defeatist or pessimistic attitude? I'm not saying it to be mean at all so forgive me. But if you want to know one big reason why you are having trouble attracting women, this is it. A few of the questions when you just actually answered factually even if the content was somewhat negative were not terrible answers. That's just honesty and necessary in this context.

 

I bolded the 3 areas where even a factual or positive answer comes off as depressive and hopeless (hobbies, sports, girl friends--you negated everything you said about your life in those areas rather than speak positively, be proud or enthusiastic or present them with passion). Sorry, really I am. I am just wondering if you speak like this all the time. I know guys like that and trying to prevent some of the same trauma they go through which mirrors your current. I think if you can really be cognizant and work on this part, life will be much better. It will probably feel better and in turn your results will be better. I think the fact that you want to make changes is great and pointing out these things is only meant to help not tear you down. Switch your thinking. These were concrete examples I saw. Good luck

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

At least you've had a girlfriend before OP, you probably had the typical dating life/sex life of a guy in his late teens and early 20's

[PogoStick]

You don't know what else to do regarding hobbies. You need something that helps define you. Learn guitar, a foreign language, painting.

 

You can also get involved in volunteering. Volunteering is dominated by women and it shows you are caring. It's a total win/win. You could volunteer at a hospital, seniors living community, or an animal shelter.

 

This year I'm looking into a Children's Hospital dance fundraiser. It pays for children's medical expenses. Check this out, they do it all over the country. Think how WIN this is. It's a dance event with a college, meaning college girls everywhere. Being part of organizing shows major man qualities. You'll learn practical skills in organizing, communication, and fundraising. It's helping KIDS which will melt every girl you talk to. You'll even end up networking which could lead to advances in your career.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Ya because I feel its easier for women to enjoy their youth than it is for men, as in they don't have to put forth as much effort

[johndoe2]

Ya because I feel its easier for women to enjoy their youth than it is for men, as in they don't have to put forth as much effort

Well, it may be a stretch, but here's something of a silver lining, in that we may be at a disadvantage now, but time may change that. Right now, lots of young women are trying to get hold of the top echelon guys, because they think they can. As they get older, however, more and more will become increasingly desperate, especially when the top echelon men marry the top echelon women, and the rest have to increasingly lower their standards as they get into their 30s, especially since the female reproductive system (and female attractiveness) has a shorter shelf-life than the male one. And then there'll be the first round of divorced women entering into the market in their 30s who will have dropped down a few pegs, having both aged and been out of the dating scene for a long time.

 

Add to that the hugely disproportionate number of men who will die in car accidents, industrial accidents, or suicide by the time they reach their mid 30s, and, if you can stay out those categories, who knows, maybe when you're 36 or 37, the woman who wouldn't even look at you today and thought you were a creep will be trying to buy you a drink.

 

Just some speculation.

[misspond]

Ya because I feel its easier for women to enjoy their youth than it is for men, as in they don't have to put forth as much effort

 

This isn't necessarily true, just take a look at the threads started by young women here questioning their own dating lives. The truth is we're all unsure at some stage or another.

 

It's the constant self questioning that gets in the way (and I'm as guilty of this as the next person) but when it comes to the OP's feelings about how he can change his dating prospects the he needs to relax a little, fully (or as fully as he can) get over his last relationship and then just start chatting to people/women (we are people after all) with no expectations.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

This isn't necessarily true, just take a look at the threads started by young women here questioning their own dating lives. The truth is we're all unsure at some stage or another.

 

It's the constant self questioning that gets in the way (and I'm as guilty of this as the next person) but when it comes to the OP's feelings about how he can change his dating prospects the he needs to relax a little, fully (or as fully as he can) get over his last relationship and then just start chatting to people/women (we are people after all) with no expectations.

 

Well its more rare to hear of a girl who is over 25 and never had a boyfriend, still a virgin, than to hear of a guy who is over 25, still a virgin, never had a girlfriend

[elaine567]

Ya because I feel its easier for women to enjoy their youth than it is for men, as in they don't have to put forth as much effort

 

So are you really saying that young women put little effort into dating... and that men put more effort in??

[fireflywy]

I understand how to talk to women, I just can't get out of my own way. I bring myself down before ever giving it a shot. My problem is introductions, how the hell does someone introduce themselves and start a conversation without asking too many personal questions? It sounds so simple yet I find it challenging. When I see some of my friends do it they look like magicians the way they have them laughing and stuff. Yet, I could only wish lol.

 

Don't let the title fool you. It isn't about love. However, examine the three icebreakers the guy presents and he develops rapport. You DONT have to ask a lot of questions; just the ones that get HER talking.

 

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

OP, if the pic in your avatar is you, then I don't understand what the problem is. If I saw a guy like you out at a venue or somewhere and you approached me, I'd talk to you and probably flirt with you a little bit if you were a normal person and you were respectful and polite towards me.

 

It's probably your confidence that's making you feel this way. Fake it 'til ya make it. Seriously. You're wayyyy over-thinking this. Plus, you're fresh out of a break up. Whoa. There's no rush. Take time to grieve over the relationship....recover....do things for yourself that makes you feel good about yourself. EVERY TIME you look at yourself in the mirror - SMILE. Seriously! I did that for FIVE months after my break up. I felt SO lame doing that EVERY time I caught my reflection in a mirror. But, I did it. After a while, I started laughing at myself for being such a derp lol. But then, when I saw myself smile in the mirror, I realize that THAT was what OTHER people saw when I smiled AT THEM, y'know?! Seriously.

 

 

You'll be fine. I'm not worried about you in the least. You'll get your swag back, yo lol.

 

Let me know how the smiling at yourself every time you see your reflection is going. You'll feel derpy most of the time doing it LOL. But seriously, let me know how it makes you feel as you do it more and more. And, SMILE at OTHER women when ever the mood strikes you. This $hit WORKS. For reals!!!! And when it does work for you, and you get yo swag back and you have women wanting to date you and flirting with you and all that - you'll OWE me a drink or at least an awesome POST about how things are going with ya.

 

Seriously.

 

.

[BlueIris]

How does anyone ever escape this wretched hell hole and become a member of a functioning society?

 

I give up...

 

Sometimes I felt lonely and sad when I was single, after a break up. So, for me, the approach was to make peace with being partnerless for the rest of my life, and ask, “so what will I do now?” I’m an old broad! But old broads also live and laugh and do interesting, valuable or wacky stuff sometimes. And you know what is GREAT about getting older? Realizing that there are very few limits on what we can do.

 

So… I could have meaningless sex with sleazy guys in bars now and then. Eh. No thanks. Icky. What else? I could drive up into the mountains Friday afternoon and chat with everybody I meet. I could work at Starbucks in the mornings part time because I love morning and coffee, and pre-coffee people crack me up. I could start a business. I could take up rowing, hot yoga, get a dog. I could tear apart my bathroom and make it very cool. I could learn Mandarin. I could move to Idaho. Or Tangiers. Hmmmm.

 

OP, Find out who you are with your toes in the soil and the sun (or rain) on your face. Try stuff. Succeed. Fail. Enjoy. Get bored. Permit yourself to be more than a guy in a relationship or not in a relationship. That's far too small for any human being.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

So are you really saying that young women put little effort into dating... and that men put more effort in??

 

well this is how I see it, young women just have to make an effort to look good as physically as possible, and all she has to have is be nice and friendly, a good personality, like have similar things, common interests with a guy, but a guy needs more than just being nice, a friendly personality, similar or common interests aren't enough, and even if he looks very good physically, in very good shape, has a handsome face, that usually won't be enough.

 

 

He needs to be very outgoing, have a lot of friends, they say women are strongly attracted to guys with "social proof", and the guy is very busy, as in he has a "life", he has a passion, is passionate about something, has ambition, long-term goals, is financially stable, or on the right path towards financial stability, has his own place. He is a leader instead of a follower, has great social-skills and conversation-skills.

[fireflywy]

This. This is it.

 

I get so frustrated with Jon's posts because he's everything Satu just said.

 

A completely normal guy. Looks like tons of other people I know in NY who are all pairing up, talking to girls, etc.

 

I'm not kidding about taking you out with my all female friends, Jon. If I could post pictures on this forum, you'd have a heart attack.

 

If you want to do that after I get back, I'm more than willing. As a reader of your posts and a guy who was in your situation a couple years back... hell.. i think i was in a psychosis... I'd like to help you get past it.

 

Dude... if you've got a bunch of angels circling your orbit I'LL fly out to NYC to hang with you both.

 

Lol:lmao:

[aloneinaz]

well this is how I see it, young women just have to make an effort to look good as physically as possible, and all she has to have is be nice and friendly, a good personality, like have similar things, common interests with a guy, but a guy needs more than just being nice, a friendly personality, similar or common interests aren't enough, and even if he looks very good physically, in very good shape, has a handsome face, that usually won't be enough.

 

There are a lot of women who like the quiet type. Not every girl wants the strong personality, alpha male. You have to remember there are many introverted women and that type of guy would scare them off.

 

A guy only needs to be decent looking with an average body and a reasonable personality to hook up with a girl that's the same.

 

He needs to be very outgoing, have a lot of friends, they say women are strongly attracted to guys with "social proof", and the guy is very busy, as in he has a "life", he has a passion, is passionate about something, has ambition, long-term goals, is financially stable, or on the right path towards financial stability, has his own place. He is a leader instead of a follower, has great social-skills and conversation-skills.

 

This is simply false. Girls can be attracted to the loner type who enjoys his own company as well.

Everyone has their own tastes in looks and personality. A girl can be a 5 in looks but have a nice figure and a killer personality and have male models chasing after her. The same can be said of a guy that's average but has good people skills.

 

What's a MAJOR deal breaker for anyone is a person who has zero self confidence and low self esteem.. I've had dates with many hot women with killers bodies that had zero personality or self esteem issues. Those are deal breakers for me. I also had a buddy who extremely handsome. The girls loved him until he opened his mouth and started talking. He's was not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree lights. That turned many women off as well.

 

My rambling point? Everyone has likes and dislikes in people they are attracted to. There's no one size fits all.

Edited May 22, 2015 by aloneinaz

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

There are a lot of women who like the quiet type. Not every girl wants the strong personality, alpha male. You have to remember there are many introverted women and that type of guy would scare them off.

 

A guy only needs to be decent looking with an average body and a reasonable personality to hook up with a girl that's the same.

 

 

 

This is simply false. Girls can be attracted to the loner type who enjoys his own company as well.

Everyone has their own tastes in looks and personality. A girl can be a 5 in looks but have a nice figure and a killer personality and have male models chasing after her. The same can be said of a guy that's average but has good people skills.

 

What's a MAJOR deal breaker for anyone is a person who has zero self confidence and low self esteem.. I've had dates with many hot women with killers bodies that had zero personality or self esteem issues. Those are deal breakers for me. I also had a buddy who extremely handsome. The girls loved him until he opened his mouth and started talking. He's was not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree lights. That turned many women off as well.

 

My rambling point? Everyone has likes and dislikes in people they are attracted to. There's no one size fits all.

 

well a girl can also be needy, desperate, clingy, and it won't hurt her chances as much as getting a date or a boyfriend.

 

 

If theres anything I've observed, it's more important for a guy to have a "life" than it is for a girl, as in, the guy can't or shouldn't make himself too available, respond to calls and texts too quickly, otherwise, the guy is at strong risk of coming across as needy or desperate, clingy.

[aloneinaz]

well a girl can also be needy, desperate, clingy, and it won't hurt her chances as much as getting a date or a boyfriend.

 

Yes, that may be true in some cases, but.. If she's any of those things, she'll become a confident guys one night stand or an insecure, low self esteem dudes GF..

 

If theres anything I've observed, it's more important for a guy to have a "life" than it is for a girl, as in, the guy can't or shouldn't make himself too available, respond to calls and texts too quickly, otherwise, the guy is at strong risk of coming across as needy or desperate, clingy.

 

Um, all things things apply to women as well. Again, a confident guy would run from a girl that also has no life as well. The same applies to a girl who's too quick to text, is desperate, needy, etc..

Confident people don't have the time or patience for these types of folks. They know there are plenty of other people out there w/out these poor attributes. I know I have and women friends have had a date or two with these types. We may screw them once and run or if they are really annoying, we'd have a drink or two and say "nice to meet you"..

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yes, that may be true in some cases, but.. If she's any of those things, she'll become a confident guys one night stand or an insecure, low self esteem dudes GF..

 

 

 

Um, all things things apply to women as well. Again, a confident guy would run from a girl that also has no life as well. The same applies to a girl who's too quick to text, is desperate, needy, etc..

Confident people don't have the time or patience for these types of folks. They know there are plenty of other people out there w/out these poor attributes. I know I have and women friends have had a date or two with these types. We may screw them once and run or if they are really annoying, we'd have a drink or two and say "nice to meet you"..

 

an insecure, low self-esteem guys girlfriend? I highly doubt that, because girls generally will not accept a guy as a potential boyfriend if he has low self-esteem, is insecure, meanwhile a girl can be insecure, have low self-esteem.

[jen1447]

You're mistaken if you assume that insecure and low self esteem automatically means a shy guy with little experience. Those are quite commonly traits of abuser/controller types. They generally abuse and control because they're insecure, and their outward show of ego and aggressiveness is actually a compensation tactic for low self esteem.