Sameold Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Hi, I was on this forum quite some time ago now regarding me being dumped by my gf of over 3 years. It really messed me up but I changed career, moved state and really picked myself up. I still think of my ex from time to time but genuinely I am over her in the sense that I never hope for a reconciliation or contact etc, NC for nearly 3 years since splitting. After many rubbish experiences on the dating scene I was introduced to a girl that has now been my gf for 9 months. We get on very well, laugh and joke but some of the things about our situation grate on me. For example, her family is very different to mine regarding background and whilst I think her sisters and brothers are great her mother has serious mental health depression that basically means she doesn't live a normal life. I think this makes me feel awkward as I guess I one day expected to meet a girl with a family background more akin to my own. Furthermore I have noticed my gf often does not dress in a way that I find attractive, she has also put on weight from when we met. She often doesn't wear heels or sexy lingerie like my ex did either. When I met her I thought she was gorgeous. I normally go for brunettes, but she is blonde. But now whilst I still love her for her personality and laughter and think she is cute I sometimes struggle to see her in a sexy way, especially when I'm not with her and am thinking about our situation/looking at photos. She also has a few other annoying habits such as needing to repeatedly burp when she is hungover to relieve the symptoms. Overall like I say I think part of me is comnparing her to my ex. I do really care about this girl and it is really tough as we get on well, share a lot in common about our careers and I do get on great with some of her family. We also have good sex. I guess I'm finding out flaws that I didn't know about to start with and it is worrying me, making me think if I would be better to end things now rather than waste her time. On the other hand I do know that following my ex it took me nearly 2.5years to find this girl, someone who I had a natural rapport with. The thought of losing her andd some people I have met through her is scary. At the moment I am trying to plan more things for us to do to see if I can get back to how I felt about things in the very early days. Any advice please? Please try and not judge me.
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Other than the mother's medical condition, the stuff you are complaining about is superficial. You don't have to deal with it if you don't want to but really you are going to dump an otherwise great woman over: hair color failure to wear uncomfortable high heels which are damaging to her musculoskelatal system failure to wear lingerie (hint: have you bought her any recently?) a few pounds burping People have broken up for less but I would not consider any of them deal breakers.
NC-Thomas Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Couple of my thoughts: 1. Every person has it's flaws, in the end I think if we love somebody enough, we are able to overcome these flaws, because that person is worth it. For me personally, I would not care if she was brunette or blond, if the personality was the same... In the end that's what matters most. 2. Perhaps you are over the honeymoon stage of your relationship and now that reality kicks in, you start seeing these flaws. It's common. But if the core is OK, flaws don't really matter that much. 3. Should you truly despise her flaws, don't stay with her for scarcity reasons. Just because it took you 2.5 years to land a suitable woman, doesn't mean you should stay with her because "it took so long to find someone".
Author Sameold Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 Thanks for your quick replies. So for now is the answer simply to give it more time? I agree we are out of the honeymoon phase. I agree things many of the flaws I speak of are superficial and I am trying to change my mindset regarding this. My problem is I am a very visual person to an extent. I feel quite stressed trying to assess if she is going to end up being the right girl for me. I am trying to control this as best I can but already I have been considering whether or not I would want to live with/marry her. I'm 29 so I guess I'm at an age where I don't want to waste anyones time, mine or hers.
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 You have to do the balancing act & it is your life / future.
NC-Thomas Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) Well, ofcourse you have the option of subly letting her know you like certain clothing. Go shopping with her, make her try that type of clothing you like, maybe hint her. You cannot change her, but perhaps if you make your preferences know, she is willing to make the effort to get some extra sex-appeal. However, this must be done with great care without trying to change her as a person. Also she must be willing to do so. In my relationships I always complimented the things I liked about her or whatever she wore for clothing. In the end she started to dress more in ways that fit my liking (and hers at the same time). Edited May 20, 2015 by NC-Thomas
KBarletta Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Other than the mother's medical condition, the stuff you are complaining about is superficial. You don't have to deal with it if you don't want to but really you are going to dump an otherwise great woman over: hair color failure to wear uncomfortable high heels which are damaging to her musculoskelatal system failure to wear lingerie (hint: have you bought her any recently?) a few pounds burping People have broken up for less but I would not consider any of them deal breakers. ^ I agree that these reasons are fairly superficial annoyances, not the kind of deal breakers to end a relationship over. And, if you really care about this woman, the little annoyances like this could end up being the things you miss the most after she's gone.
aloneinaz Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I'm 29 so I guess I'm at an age where I don't want to waste anyones time, mine or hers. This is very key. You're not wearing the honeymoon phase googles anymore. So, you're seeing her more clearly now. I think your radar is on strong to see if there is true core compatibility between you and her. You know what you like and there's nothing wrong with it. Give it a few months and if these issues are still bothering you, it's a sign to move on.
coryreply Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 What qualities/attributes are you looking for in a woman you'd like to marry? Nice personality? Good humor? Specific body type? Certain interests? How does she measure up to what you want?
Author Sameold Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 Thanks for all of your thoughtful replies. I need to give us more time but I will start keenly considering if I genuinely feel we could be compatible long term. I will see how things go for the next 3-4 months, the weather should improve and she is also starting a new job soon with a higher salary meaning she might be more open to treating herself etc. At the end of the day though I know that if in my heart the doubts keep returning I will have to end it 1
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