Lansing Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Curious, the common thing you see on forums is where a guy asks a girl out but she is "busy' and people say that she probably isn't busy and she just isn't interested otherwise she would offer another day she was free or try to make other plans with you. I am wondering if girls actually make the effort to ask the guy out or will just wait for him to ask again (because, the girl will figure... if he is really interested he will ask me again). And, then if the 2nd time you are busy, do you just wait again or make an effort? I ask because I am second guessing a girls interest. She seems enthuastic in her responses but has had reasons why she can't that particular night (dates have been time/event specific). So, I am taking it as a sign that maybe she is trying to let me down easy but at the same time would prefer someone to be more short/abrupt if there isn't interest vs. being enthusiastic. Maybe I should put her more on the spot and leave it more open on the day/date but usually I take the approach of inviting girls along to things that I am doing already until I actually hang out with them once to see if I want to pursue things further.
Redhead14 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Curious, the common thing you see on forums is where a guy asks a girl out but she is "busy' and people say that she probably isn't busy and she just isn't interested otherwise she would offer another day she was free or try to make other plans with you. I am wondering if girls actually make the effort to ask the guy out or will just wait for him to ask again (because, the girl will figure... if he is really interested he will ask me again). And, then if the 2nd time you are busy, do you just wait again or make an effort? I ask because I am second guessing a girls interest. She seems enthuastic in her responses but has had reasons why she can't that particular night (dates have been time/event specific). So, I am taking it as a sign that maybe she is trying to let me down easy but at the same time would prefer someone to be more short/abrupt if there isn't interest vs. being enthusiastic. Maybe I should put her more on the spot and leave it more open on the day/date but usually I take the approach of inviting girls along to things that I am doing already until I actually hang out with them once to see if I want to pursue things further. If you ask them and they are busy but don't offer an alternate day or time, you leave the ball in their court. You tell her when you are available next and ask her to call you if that will work for her. If she doesn't come back to you by X day to accept/confirm, you make other plans and move on from her even if she comes back after that. 7
Author Lansing Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 BTW, this is a girl I met in real life (i.e. not internet dating).... And, part of me has been hedging my bets because I will probably keep running into her in "real life" so I didn't want to be too bold until we first hung out to get a feel in person if there is interest there or not.
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 If I am actually busy but interested I will a. apologise and offer an alternative date or get his number so I can check my calendar and ring him back with an alternative date b. apologise and ask him when I am less busy and can start to think about dating him If I can't really be bothered I will wait for him to ask again. he may catch me in a good mood in which case I will say yes but I will probably decline.
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 The ones who say nothing other than I'm busy are playing head games or not interested. If I liked a guy I'd offer up counter dates / times but wait for the guy to say OK great how about we do something then but leaving it as I'm busy to see if he chases is BS game playing. Immature girls may want boys to prove their interest that way. Smart men don't fall for it. 3
Author Lansing Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 Hmm.. Maybe I set myself up for failure by making the invite very specific. Like, if I am going to an art gallery opening that is a specific night and say "hey, want to join me for this" or going to some other special event at a specific time/place maybe it makes it less likely for her to respond " I can't for " (and she provided reasons why she couldn't that night) and then to offer another random get together. Anyway, I guess I need to reconsider my style going forward and get to the heart of the issue and just ask "hey, want to grab a drink on Wednesday" and then if she says "sorry, I am busy" with no counter offer I will know for sure there is a lack of interest.
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Hmm.. Maybe I set myself up for failure by making the invite very specific. Like, if I am going to an art gallery opening that is a specific night and say "hey, want to join me for this" or going to some other special event at a specific time/place maybe it makes it less likely for her to respond " I can't for " (and she provided reasons why she couldn't that night) and then to offer another random get together. Anyway, I guess I need to reconsider my style going forward and get to the heart of the issue and just ask "hey, want to grab a drink on Wednesday" and then if she says "sorry, I am busy" with no counter offer I will know for sure there is a lack of interest. No you set yourself up for success by doing that. Specific invites are sooo much better then "hey wanna hang out" but sometimes the other person is legitimately busy. When I first met DH I had a F/T job, a P/T job, served on 3 boards, was president of a statewide business organization and did weekly volunteer work. I also had standing family obligations & an active social life. He learned pretty quickly that if he wanted on my calendar on his schedule he needed to make plans in advance. Last minute invites routinely got a negative response from me. I was happy to allow him to accompany to my stuff but I was genuinely busy. When I said No I can't go to something it was because I already had other obligations. 3
angel.eyes Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 There is no right or wrong way to go about this, but I personally prefer specific requests. It can be hard to tell either way. Not every women is going to automatically think to offer up an alternative date/time, and certainly many won't ask you out even if they are interested. Ask her out a couple of times. If she has specific reasons why she is busy (and you say she has), I would then put the ball in her court. For example: "I was hoping to do XYZ with you. If you're interested, let me know when you're free and we can plan something together."
angel.eyes Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 The bolded is true for me too. If I'm going to do something with someone, they generally have to ask a couple of weeks in advance. Fortunately, almost everyone I've dated tends to be organized and to plan ahead because they also lead full, busy lives. It's worked out well so far. No you set yourself up for success by doing that. Specific invites are sooo much better then "hey wanna hang out" but sometimes the other person is legitimately busy. When I first met DH I had a F/T job, a P/T job, served on 3 boards, was president of a statewide business organization and did weekly volunteer work. I also had standing family obligations & an active social life. He learned pretty quickly that if he wanted on my calendar on his schedule he needed to make plans in advance. Last minute invites routinely got a negative response from me. I was happy to allow him to accompany to my stuff but I was genuinely busy. When I said No I can't go to something it was because I already had other obligations.
katiegrl Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I dunno...when I am *really* interested, if my previously-made plans aren't life threatening, I have been known to reschedule *those* plans, and go out with guy I am interested in....:bunny: 1
MissBee Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Curious, the common thing you see on forums is where a guy asks a girl out but she is "busy' and people say that she probably isn't busy and she just isn't interested otherwise she would offer another day she was free or try to make other plans with you. I am wondering if girls actually make the effort to ask the guy out or will just wait for him to ask again (because, the girl will figure... if he is really interested he will ask me again). And, then if the 2nd time you are busy, do you just wait again or make an effort? I ask because I am second guessing a girls interest. She seems enthuastic in her responses but has had reasons why she can't that particular night (dates have been time/event specific). So, I am taking it as a sign that maybe she is trying to let me down easy but at the same time would prefer someone to be more short/abrupt if there isn't interest vs. being enthusiastic. Maybe I should put her more on the spot and leave it more open on the day/date but usually I take the approach of inviting girls along to things that I am doing already until I actually hang out with them once to see if I want to pursue things further. If I'm interested but can't do something the day or time a guy suggests I always suggest an alternative like "I can't this Saturday, but how does Friday look or next Tuesday or whenever..." It's never gone beyond that. In that once I suggest an alternative we can usually work something out from there and there is not much back and forth after. I've never been in a situation where a guy asked me out and I liked him and couldn't go and then suggested an alternative and he couldn't either.
I_Squared_R Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 This is my exact problem when asking women on dates. They are always extremely busy. I usually do a three time rule with significant time between each attempt. After the third strike im most definitely out and seize communication with them. I've had women use the same lame excuse consecutively, but I never call them out on it... It's never a big deal! In my experience, if they're busy the first time and then they give you the "maybe next week/weekend" then you're finished. If she can't make time for you then she has no interest in you.
alphamale Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 If a girl is really interested then she will find the time.
preraph Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Yeah, if she was interested, she'd find a way to make sure you knew she did want to go out. The ball is in her court.
PogoStick Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Be straightforward. "I'm attracted to you and would like to get to know you. Give me a call when you're not busy." Then start looking for other girls to date. If she calls, great. If not, you will already have another girl to pursue.
TunaCat Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 If I was asked out by someone and I was interested but I had other plans on the night in question, I'd ask him if another date/time worked for him. However if I'm not interested, I'd tell him that. I'm not a game player. Saying "I'm busy" without actually being busy is rude & childish.
phineas Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 If a girl is really interested then she will find the time. And she will offer an alternative if she is truly busy and interested.
Jame22 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 And she will offer an alternative if she is truly busy and interested. What if she never offers an alternative but asks for a "raincheck"? Is it still the guy's job to initiate? A girl just rainchecked me and I told her to "let me know when your free." haven't heard from her in 3 days.
Vintage79 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I'd hope she'd say, "how about a different day, because I'm busy", or just outright propose something different, but if you didn't get that and only asked once, sure, you could wait, but I don't see the harm in asking again, in particular if she was enthusiastic. I doubt you'll regret asking again - you either figure out that she's not interested, or you get her to go out with you...if she says she's busy again, just ask her to suggest a different day that does work for her. All of these games about who's turn is it any way are a bit ridiculous...just don't turn into the guy that's asking her out all the time and getting shot down... 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 This shouldn't be difficult to navigate... If a guy asks me out and I'm busy, I'll suggest an alternative date there and then or come back to him shortly after to rearrange. If I asked someone out and they were busy, I wouldn't chase asking him again, I would think well he knows I am interested, if he is too he will be eager to arrange something. 1
La.Primavera Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I take the approach of inviting girls along to things that I am doing already until I actually hang out with them once to see if I want to pursue things further. Perhaps you should consider changing your approach by asking her out on an actual date, even if you aren't sure about pursuing things further. If she thinks you only want to hang out as friends she may not think you are interested in her that way. There are some women who will not make another date because they would consider that pursuing a man which would break some sort of old fashioned rule of courtship. It is up to you whether or not you continue to pursue that type of woman. It might be less time consuming and confusing to just come out and ask, "Would you like to go out on a date?" 1
La.Primavera Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 What if she never offers an alternative but asks for a "raincheck"? Is it still the guy's job to initiate? A girl just rainchecked me and I told her to "let me know when your free." haven't heard from her in 3 days. Asking for a rain-check is an opening. Wait a week, ask her out for the following weekend. If she fobs you off or mucks you around, you are probably wasting your time and should move on.
Els Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 If I'm interested and genuinely busy, I'll offer a counter date/time ("How about next Saturday instead?"). If she doesn't mention anything, she's probably trying to hint that she's not interested IMO.
Author Lansing Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 Perhaps you should consider changing your approach by asking her out on an actual date, even if you aren't sure about pursuing things further. Thanks for your post.... I guess for me most of the time I meet girls it is in situations where I will see them on a ongoing basis (either a club or group I am part of, or a place I volunteer at, etc). If I met a girl randomly at a concert or something I haven't hesitated to ask her out on a "date" (i.e. want to grab a coffee... which is pretty clear "date" message nowadays). I guess with this recent girl I also have wanted to leave an "out" for her in case she isn't interested and just being friendly... but, at the same time, I feel like by asking her out for something specific both times that were only happening on one night (and two totally different types of things) there is a possibility that she might not counter "well, I can't go to the art gallery opening on that night but how about we go for drinks the following Tuesday" . She might be thinking that I am just looking for someone to keep me company for that event vs that I am interested in her.. Anyway, in this case I am going to leave it for now. I hoping that if she is interested and feels like she missed out on hanging out the last two times that she might pick up her "flirting" and give me an opening to ask her out in a more general sense (i.e. we should grab a drink, how about Wednesday) . Thank posters, I guess in general I agree that if I asked a girl out on a "date' or something like a drink/coffee/movie that could happen any day if she was interested she should offer another day/time.
La.Primavera Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 If you see the person on an ongoing basis it might be a bit awkward so a more casual invitation seems like a better low risk option. If you have asked her to do something twice, I probably wouldn't bother asking again. I think two invitations express enough interest in spending time with her. If she wants to see you she has to make the effort.
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