mefisto Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) I have been dating this new girl for almost 1.5 months now. She is great, very good personality, honest and modest. She left me impression that she is committed person with noble character. She was with her last boyfriend for 4 years and they broke up because she had serious life-threatening operation that involved tumor removing and he couldnt support her during this time. She doesnt drink at all and very opposite of "wild party girl" image, that i despise. She has good relationships with both of her parents, that also says a lot about her, because i think many cheaters have psychological issues that stem from bad relationships with parent, especially with a father, if we talk about a girl. So, she had great relationship with her father, as far as i know. Her parents are not divorced like mine and have been living together for more than 20 years, so she saw example of commitment in her life. Basically, the only red flag (if it is) i saw about her is her...best friend. Its a guy and she said that they were best friend for almost 10 years, they knew each other from children's camp. This guy doesnt have girlfriend as far as i know. She showed me picture of his and i must say that he is pretty handsome. From what i heard from her - they are good friends and talk almost everyday via social media. Sometimes he gives her rides to home on his car (last time it happened, she was in his car exactly for 20 minutes, that was no more than car ride required, i noted the time) and sometimes she visit him in his home, she said that she was on his mother birthday and they played playstation a little. She says that this guy not very smart and pretty arrogant, she told me that he uses bad pickup lines and thinks that all girls are more stupid than guys and i guess his arrogance prevents from getting girlfriend. Anyway, i got jealous about this. I've read that if all the friends of a girl are guys that it is red flag. If i understood right, she has one female friend, but she left in another town and they see each other few times per yer. And this guy is pretty much her best friend and the only one male friend, because they live close to each other. I wonder if i should ask her if they had any sexual relations in the past. She most probably say that they had not, but there is tiny chance that she will say that they had, but no anymore. And this answer i wont be able to handle well enough. Im kind of insecure person and it would bother me a lot. Maybe i should remain in obscurity for the sake of our relationship, because it matter to me a lot? Also, the one thing i learned from my past relationship - it doesnt make sense to try and control someone relationship. If i would ask her to stop communication with this guy, she not only will remain communicating with him, but also will be see me as controlling and manipulative guy. So my questions are: 1. Should i ask her if they had anything sexual in the past (the answer might mess with my obsessive mind) and if they had, how should i react to it? If i should ask her, in which manner i should do it so she wont think that im insecure and jealous? Another issue: Recently i was diagnosed with prostatitis. This condition might make me less sexually attractive. Men with this condition almost always have premature ejaculation. It also has another health issues that diminish quality of my life. Question is - should i tell her about it? Its kind of delicate thing and im not sure if she has to know about it all. Edited May 20, 2015 by mefisto
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Your jealousy between them may be a red flag... Doesn't look to me as though anything has been going on. Perhaps speak to her about your medical conditions and see if she can deal with them...
Author mefisto Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 Your jealousy between them may be a red flag... Doesn't look to me as though anything has been going on. Perhaps speak to her about your medical conditions and see if she can deal with them... Thanks. I forgot to mention that every time we have a date, she talks about this friend at least once during the day. Like we would discuss some subject and she put some irrelevant thing like "yeah, my friend also like/dislike this". She is obviously emotionally invested in their friendship. Is it normal?
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Basically, the only red flag (if it is) i saw about her is her...best friend. Its a guy and she said that they were best friend for almost 10 years, they knew each other from children's camp. This guy doesnt have girlfriend as far as i know. She showed me picture of his and i must say that he is pretty handsome. As an outsider who's just seen him he's an handsome man. To her he's a childhood friend, she doesn't see him as a handsome man no more than I see my brothers as handsome men. You have to understand that people that grow up together don't have sexual attraction like brothers, cousins, childhood friends. My best male friend is a very attractive man but we've known each other for so long and we spend a lot of time together so he's like family. No sexual attraction. From what i heard from her - they are good friends and talk almost everyday via social media. Sometimes he gives her rides to home on his car (last time it happened, she was in his car exactly for 20 minutes, that was no more than car ride required, i noted the time) and sometimes she visit him in his home, she said that she was on his mother birthday and they played playstation a little. She says that this guy not very smart and pretty arrogant, she told me that he uses bad pickup lines and thinks that all girls are more stupid than guys and i guess his arrogance prevents from getting girlfriend. Anyway, i got jealous about this. I've read that if all the friends of a girl are guys that it is red flag. If i understood right, she has one female friend, but she left in another town and they see each other few times per yer. And this guy is pretty much her best friend and the only one male friend, because they live close to each other. I wonder if i should ask her if they had any sexual relations in the past. Don't go there. It's her private life BEFORE YOU it's none of your business. What if they slept together back in 1995? It means nothing in who she is today and how she conducts herself while in a relationship. Also, the one thing i learned from my past relationship - it doesnt make sense to try and control someone relationship. If i would ask her to stop communication with this guy, she not only will remain communicating with him, but also will be see me as controlling and manipulative guy. And I have a feeling you are a little controlling. You cannot ask a woman to drop a childhood friend for you. Especially a close friend that stood by her during her health ordeal. Be glad she has such a friend instead. What you need to do is meet him. Get together the 3 of you and stop seeing him as a rival, he's not. My ex-boyfriend's best friend was a woman. I made sure I got to know her. After spending time with her and her husbands and kids I was satisfied of what I saw and never worried about her after that. Recently i was diagnosed with prostatitis. This condition might make me less sexually attractive. Men with this condition almost always have premature ejaculation. It also has another health issues that diminish quality of my life. Question is - should i tell her about it? Its kind of delicate thing and im not sure if she has to know about it all. My friend's boyfriend has prostatitis so I know a little about it. It's not something you can hide. In his case he does not suffer from premature ejaculation and it does not affect his sexual performance but once in a while he is in a lot of pain and he needs to withdraw and be by himself till the pain goes away. At first my friend thought he was emotionally distancing himself but after he told her about the prostatitis she became understanding, supportive and let him deal with his pain. So yes, at some point she will need to know about your condition.
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 . She is obviously emotionally invested in their friendship. Is it normal? You're not emotionally invested in YOUR friendship? I am. Whether they are male or female is a detail.
central Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I think you should mention to her that she talks about her friend all the time. Ask why they aren't a couple if they have so much in common. The answer may reassure you - or give you reason to bail. If reassuring, also mention that it is distracting to always have this third person virtually present in all conversations, and you'd like to focus on just the two of you. Oh, and do not ask about any prior sexual connection - no good can come of it. What does matter is her ability to have and honor boundaries with her friend.
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I think you should mention to her that she talks about her friend all the time. Ask why they aren't a couple if they have so much in common. The answer may reassure you - or give you reason to bail. If reassuring, also mention that it is distracting to always have this third person virtually present in all conversations, and you'd like to focus on just the two of you. She mentions him ONCE when they go out together, that's not talking about him 'all the time'. If her best friend was female would it be inappropriate for her to mention her best friend once per date? I don't think so.
Author mefisto Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 As an outsider who's just seen him he's an handsome man. To her he's a childhood friend, she doesn't see him as a handsome man no more than I see my brothers as handsome men. You have to understand that people that grow up together don't have sexual attraction like brothers, cousins, childhood friends. My best male friend is a very attractive man but we've known each other for so long and we spend a lot of time together so he's like family. No sexual attraction. Don't go there. It's her private life BEFORE YOU it's none of your business. What if they slept together back in 1995? It means nothing in who she is today and how she conducts herself while in a relationship. And I have a feeling you are a little controlling. You cannot ask a woman to drop a childhood friend for you. Especially a close friend that stood by her during her health ordeal. Be glad she has such a friend instead. What you need to do is meet him. Get together the 3 of you and stop seeing him as a rival, he's not. My ex-boyfriend's best friend was a woman. I made sure I got to know her. After spending time with her and her husbands and kids I was satisfied of what I saw and never worried about her after that. My friend's boyfriend has prostatitis so I know a little about it. It's not something you can hide. In his case he does not suffer from premature ejaculation and it does not affect his sexual performance but once in a while he is in a lot of pain and he needs to withdraw and be by himself till the pain goes away. At first my friend thought he was emotionally distancing himself but after he told her about the prostatitis she became understanding, supportive and let him deal with his pain. So yes, at some point she will need to know about your condition. Thanks a lot for sharing your view! You're not emotionally invested in YOUR friendship? I am. Whether they are male or female is a detail. Yeah, i am, but i mention them more seldom that she does with this guy. She mentions him ONCE when they go out together, that's not talking about him 'all the time'. If her best friend was female would it be inappropriate for her to mention her best friend once per date? I don't think so. Sometimes she mentions him 2-3 times per date. But usually once. But you are right, im probably just over thinking things.
central Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 She mentions him ONCE when they go out together, that's not talking about him 'all the time'. If her best friend was female would it be inappropriate for her to mention her best friend once per date? I don't think so. Yes, it would be too often. It may not be ALL the time, but EVERY time would be an issue for me, especially for an opposite sex friend.
Author mefisto Posted May 20, 2015 Author Posted May 20, 2015 I think you should mention to her that she talks about her friend all the time. Ask why they aren't a couple if they have so much in common. I think the reason they are not a couple is - they dont have that much in common. From her stories i can make conclusion that he doesnt share her interests and passions like i do and he is not sensitive and smart enough to have relationship with her. I think she admires his sense of humor and they live close to each other so that made them close. Im afraid this kind of question would reveal my insecurity, thats what im trying to avoid.
deadelvis Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I would bet money that... 1. She is not interested in him as more than a friend 2. She is not cheating 3. They HAVE had sexual relations in the past 4. If you ask her if she ever had sex with him you can kiss the relationship goodbye 5. He is not a threat to you If you really need to know about their sexual background you have to wait till she's talking about him, specifically talking about his love-life and phrase it like this "I'm kinda surprised you two never dated each other. You're so close it just seems natural you would have dated at some point." Be prepared for an answer you won't like. Her reaction will tell you more than the actual words she says. Be immediately prepared to change the subject. Pretend you don't care, no matter what her reply is. The best place for this conversation would be a place like a sporting event where you can quickly change the conversation naturally "wow, what a great tackle! you want a hotdog?"
Author mefisto Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 I would bet money that... 3. They HAVE had sexual relations in the past 5. He is not a threat to you I am sorry, but isnt it a contradiction?
planb1973 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Just because they had sex in the past does not make him a threat. I had sex with my sons mom, obviously, and we are friend. Zero threat to any woman. I have ex gf's who turned into friendships. Zero threat. Having sex does not automatically make someone a threat. Some relationships simply work best as friendships. Your jealousy will kill your relationship if you don't get a handle on it. You should just go out and have sex with lots of different women, then you will realize how it can just be sex and not be a threat to future women.
deadelvis Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Yeah, my GF has banged half the dudes she's friends with and had "feelings" for the other half. It really doesn't make them a threat, it just makes hanging out with her friends uncomfortable for me because it's NOT a good feeling knowing half the guys in the room banged your girlfriend (back when she was young and hot) and the other half could have but didn't because they thought she was crazy. Welcome to hell. I left a bullet in the chamber for you.
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