blackcat777 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 In dating, I think the idea of never digging into a partner's sexual history is wise, because nothing ever good will come from it. I'm dating my boyfriend now... and if we married tomorrow, I still wouldn't want to know the details of every other person he banged, because nothing good would still come of that conversation. At the end of the day--he's with me. I'm with him. None of those other people he screwed, however he screwed them, were worth sticking around for. (And I'd never want to touch any of my exes with a ten foot pole! Ugh!) So there's no sense in being insecure about the past... the present is much richer, full of possibilities. I don't think it's out of bounds to ask her about what you heard... I overheard something my man said once and seriously misunderstood him (assuming the worst); I thought about how it made me feel--sad, because he felt like he couldn't be open with me--and expressed that it made me have a fear, and how I'd never want him to feel like he couldn't be open with me. It turned out that I heard something out of context and the issue was a non-issue. I was pleased I handled it the way I did, because I didn't accuse him of anything or start a fight, and found a way to voice my feelings in a way that was true to myself. SO. I'd suggest expressing the distress you would feel IF you understood correctly and she felt like she couldn't be straight with you--but beyond that... I wouldn't press for details. (Every now and then I remind my boyfriend we're welcome to try certain things he says he's not interested in, just to make sure I'm tickling all of his fancies. You could maybe add that at the end. ) If she has people-pleasing issues... that's a bigger problem. I'm hoping it isn't, and you'll never know for sure unless you start a conversation in a place of love that won't put her on the defense.
SJS Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 What!?! Where did I say sex was shoes? In the next quote... Why would you lie about liking a pair of shoes if you doing? I don't understand that. I will say I am happy they love them, I may say I would Like to love them if not for x, y, z. But I don't lie to someone about liking something if I don't. My point was that they are not a good comparison.
spanz1 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 well, she asked you and you blew her off. she is now afraid to confide her true likes to you, for fear of your disapproval. if she has a penchant for anal sex, you should probably at least try it. maybe you will like it, and she will be thrilled. maybe you will hate it, and never do it again, and she will say "at least he tried". Having a kinky wife who craves certain sex acts and you just blow her off....is a potentially good way to encourage her to find a lover. 1
Popsicle Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Both of them are lying (and they both know the other is).
Author iloveyourbrains Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 I was too tired to get online last night, but here is how it went. I came home and brought it up, explained to her what I had heard and how I interpreted it. Turns out she was just being supportive of her friend and didn't want to spoil her mood by mentioning what she finds bad about anal sex (the pain). In reality she doesn't like anal sex at all, despite the fact she got orgasms from it. And thats ok with me, as long as she is being real about it. So in short, she was just putting up an act to her friend. This brings up another issue she's been working on though: she is a bit of a people pleaser and I suggested to her that it's ok to be honest about such small things with friends too. E.g. if you don't like the new shoe, you don't like it. So say it. Anyway, this belongs to a world I don't fully understand, which is the world of girl talk as someone mentioned earlier. 2
elaine567 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 So in short, she was just putting up an act to her friend. As I thought, she was just supporting her friend. It is not always the best policy to tell the truth in situations like this, if she had said "Ewwww!, I hate anal." her friend would clam up, feel uncomfortable and most likely never bring up her sexual preferences again to her. It would most likely have put a damper on their entire friendship. Discussing personal sexual practices is usually best friend territory and if your best friend is not on your side, then she is not going to stay your best friend. As it is, with a few encouraging words to her friend re anal, they maintain their friendship. Such "white lies" lubricate social interactions. 3
autumnnight Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I am so glad you talked honestly with her about it and she cleared things up...especially before 157 people told you she cheated or something dumb like that. Yay for communication and sanity! 6
Satu Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I came home and brought it up, explained to her what I had heard and how I interpreted it. Turns out she was just being supportive of her friend and didn't want to spoil her mood by mentioning what she finds bad about anal sex (the pain). In reality she doesn't like anal sex at all, despite the fact she got orgasms from it. And thats ok with me, as long as she is being real about it. So in short, she was just putting up an act to her friend. You handled that really well.
davidromero43 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I agree they should just freaking talk. But I don't get the pain. Really? She said something to her friend about anal and suddenly she's hurting him, or cheating, or minimizing her past, or any other number of nefarious things.... I think forums make people paranoid He said she "cheated" at the start of their relationship. That is like sawing half way through the trunk of a tree. When other issues come up, they get amplified. And the tree gets shaken. I'm glad he talked to her and worked it out, instead of running all the different scenarios though his head. And yes, men have feelings and insecurities. 2
understand50 Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I stated it several times, past cheating in a relationship will rear its ugly head again and again. It will color everything. When it does, it needs to addressed and dealt with. I think this is one case. He was not out of line, because, I think he is not quite sure he had all the story, but in talking to the wife, he was able to resolve it. I am glad it worked out, but this will happen again. 34013414
Author iloveyourbrains Posted May 21, 2015 Author Posted May 21, 2015 As I thought, she was just supporting her friend. (...) Such "white lies" lubricate social interactions. In most cases I would agree with you entirely. What caught me off guard in this instance was how enthusiastic she sounded about the whole thing. Thanks to everyone else! Today feels much better 1
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